Although I haven't initiated a post for quite some time, I regularly read others' posts and, from time to time, reply. I have followed most everyone's story here over the last 4-5 months and have become 'close' to you from afar...if that makes sense. I have been full of negative energy over the past 3 months or so and thought it wise to not post so as not to infect those who have hope.<P>I can't say that I feel any better however, but I thought I'd drop in to vent a bit. I'm presently in Phoenix, AZ for a conference and the unfamiliar surroundings are making me a bit more meloncholy (sp?) than usual. Although its a beautiful place (the conference is in a resort here in Phoenix), I have noone to share it with. Many of my co-workers have brought their wives and are making a mini-vacation out of the opportunity. If my W were still with me, I'd would have brought here here too.<P>Anyway, the point that I want to whine about (sorry folks!) is that almost without exception, every story here at MB seems to follow the typical path of infidelity as outlined in SAA. My W's affair has defied all expectations. She has been living with OM for over 6 months now and has shown NO inclination to ever stop. I haven't spoken with her since August...her family (who she is close to) hasn't talked with her since July.<P>I feel like an oddball because I see so many of your situations that follow the typical ifidelity path as described by Dr. Harley...my W has shown NO signs of ending her affair let alone remorse. It seems that I may now hold the dubious honor of 2nd for length of affair with the spouse absent(behind Chris)...he's at 9 months I'm now at 6.<P>I get very inspired reading about how most everyone here is able to successfully follow Harley's principles. For the betrayers, moving from Plan A to Plan B (if needed) with the usual accompanying stages of grief (despair, bargaining, anger and acceptance) and then, lo and behold, the wayward spouse comes home in most of the cases! For the betrayers, I consistently read stories of how they "fell in 'love'" with OP, went through the insanity of the affair, had an epiphany, came home with true remorse and are willing to work on the marriage.<P>Like I said, my W's affair does not exhibit ANY of these characteristics. For that reason, I feel that she might become one of those 3% that do make it.<P>The divorce train is now full steam ahead.<P>------------------<BR>He who has a "why" to live for can bear with almost any "how".<P>-Nietzsche-

Hi Shattered, <BR> Me again......when is the D final? I think maybe the only consolation you could get is that you WILL feel better eventually ,from what I have read and read, there is life after, the loneliness will go away and your life will continue in some way or other, ....I'm sure it's too hard to even see that at the present time....Please keep posting , .....LU

Thanks Lu for the encouraging words. I am (slowly) preparing myself for life after the divorce. I haven't had to be 'single' in almost 10 years so that's going to be rough. Although my in-laws invited me to share a Thanksgiving meal with them, my W's absence was very conspicuous. My father-in-law could not hold eye contact with me for more than 2 seconds when we spoke and I felt everyone there was a bit uncomfortable having me there.<P>I HATE infidelity...<P>------------------<BR>He who has a "why" to live for can bear with almost any "how".<P>-Nietzsche-

Shattered, You and I are on opposite sides of the "bad" spectrum, my H walked out, came back, walked out, came back now numbered at 6 times. I have memories of all them, promises made & reconciliation began, once, twice, thrice, etc again broken. Now I feel like I will never believe him. I'm going on to 2 years of bad memories/ruined holidays.<P>What you are going through is bad and I can't imagine, although he was gone 3 1/2 months the first time. But there are a lot of oddball situations, you aren't alone in that.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Shattered,<BR>Unfortunately, I share that dubious honor with Chris - my H left a few days after his wife did. My H is pushing hard for divorce, and has never shown any signs whatsoever of remorse.

Lor - how do you do it? 2 years...that's incredible. You must have one strong constitution to put up with that behavior for 2 years. I'm at a point where I'm so emotionally exhausted that I want out...even though there is a small part of me that still loves her.<P>On top of all this crap, I learned on Friday that my mother (who I am very close to and love dearly) has breast cancer. As if this infidelity sh1t is not enough...

Shattered,<BR>How do I do it? Day by day. My faith--not that my marriage will be saved, but that I will be okay/stronger for this. I've had good friends who pray & listen. The MB board is here 24 hours a day. I have an excellent counselor--after one ineffective one and my pastor who exhausted his abilities (other than prayer). My kids are wonderful and I appreciate them. I try to take care of myself with exercise, rest, things that comfort me...and Paxil and then Zoloft the last couple months.<P>When your stress is as high as it is, do everything you can to take care of you. And trust God for the rest.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Shattered, <P>Glad you are still around. Please take care of yourself.<P>Post here to vent and also exercise. That has really helped me the last few weeks that I have been in a funk.<P>The feelings for my stbx are pretty much gone. I guess the only thing is the 17+ yrs we were togther formed a lot of memories, and I can't seem to let them go. Now I'm full of bitterness and anger and I don't like feeling that way.<P>I know that somewhere, sometime, I will find someone else to love me. But right now it seems so distant. The same is true about you.<P>This terrible pain we have all gone through will make us better persons if we let it.<P>Please hang in there.<P>Bob

Shattered-<P>I was JUST thinking about you. I was going to post and see if you were still out there.<P>Sorry things are not going as you had hoped. I know that it seems like a life time ago that your W left. My H left in July, and he too, has made no moves to reconciliation (well, unless you count the fact he told his atty he wanted too!!)<P>You are not the oddball. Each affair, each situation is different. I know it seems like your W is living the life of leisure, but, I really wouldn't bank on it. She is still in the thick of her fantasy. If she really thinks that a MM, who won't divorce his W, w/ 4 kids is luxury, well, one day the lights will come on.<P>I know that you believe God will guide you Shattered. Just give it to Him and let Him do His job. He is the Almighty and NOTHING is impossible w/ Him.<P>I'm lighting a candle for you.<P>Take care of yourself.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

Shattered,<P>I was worried about you, your last posts were so down.<P>I'm really bad with words and it's hard for me to explain but there comes a day when you have an internal switch flip and you say to yourself, enough is enough. And you really mean it.<P>I don't want to infect hope out here either but I think you do see some slight difference in your W and other infidels. There are those that never return to just talk, never express anything .... they just go, and they are done,done,done with you. That totally sucks and these infidels are the scumiest of all. There is no plan anything with this type.<P>You and RWD will find yourselves and will find someone to love you honestly. I'll get in trouble with this one but, I don't see why you need to wait for divorce papers. Once your heart/mind is made up, leave yourself open for anything. I have found someone who I can talk to about the pain of all this and what a pain buster he is !! <P>My xH is out of his fantasy I suppose ... 11 months later. Too bad, too late, I'm gone.<P>Hang on Shattered .... support your Mom, heal, you'll be okay. I hope Mom does well too.

Hey, I get to share that honor with you too. My H left 8 months ago and shows no sign of remorse or regrets. Although he is not living with the OW (I'm not sure her H would like him as a house guest) he has no intentions on coming back to this "hell hole". I do not have the support of his family, they all think I'm mental now too. He is a big liar, and has snowed anyone who will listen. I almost laugh now because if I heard his story today, I would be able to tell he is just validating his behavior. But oh well, his loss. I and our girls are beautiful, caring people and he just loses all around. They are only 7&9 but have already decided they have no place in their lives for him anymore. But the saddest part of all is he doesn't even care that they feel this way. Of course I know he is the "mental" one nowadays. I wish you good luck that she wisens up. I wished they all could before the detruction is far to emence to repair. Nancy

Oh Dear....my heart is so saddened by all the pain I read on here. My H has been gone for 9 months...and we are in the midst of a very messy divorce, which makes me so angry. What a waste of energy, emotion and money etc.<BR>My H never showed any remorse when affair finally discovered in Jan (said 'sorry, but it was mostly my fault that he went out to indulge after 20 years of fidelity. It was not a surprise as he had been emotionally abusing me for a year and i had been questioning him on this with massive denials from him) Had he been asleep at the wheel for 20 years?????<BR>Ow was hidden by h during reconciliation, but despite promises there was contact(she is unmarried so has nothing to lose and is in awe of what he can provide for her - shades of "Cinderella and her Prince") OW recently reinroduced to one and all as he never gave her up. BIG issue for 13 year old d, but sons are much more accepting as this "makes dad happy" Oh well.<P>I cannot wait for some normalcy and pleasant stuff in my life right now, but have no choice but to limp along as though crippled, which i am in some respects at this point.<P>My negative energy is so terribly consuming<P>

Shattered,<P>I could FEEL your pain as I read your post. So sorry that this continues for you. <P>I don't kinow why some betrayers can walk and keep walking and never look back. I think they have to CONVINCE THEMSELVES that there is NO possility that they might be making a mistake, so they forge ahead without EVER turning around.<P>My H has been gone since July 5th, with one 2 1/2 week "reconsiliation" in which he never gave up the OW. Yes, it does suck!<P>My life is slowly moving forward again. Like you, what keeps me going is knowing that I will find love and happiness again in the future - with or without my H! YOU will, too.<P>I also understand the melacholy- last night I wnent to my staff Chtistmas party alone. Reminded me that H always went to the party with me. I was one of three people there alone - felt a little self-conscious, too. I am going to Key West for a conference in January, and normally H would be going, too. Oh, the changes we are forced to make.......!<P>We WILL survive. Sending you care and hugs via e-waves........<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Shattered}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Shattered<P>I know how you feel about posting. When the Divorce train hurtles on there only seem to be anti-MB trains of thought. <P>My wife has finally left without a glimmer of a second thought. Is it better to have someone leave if they are steadfast in their quest or is it better for them to be at home constantly making you feel like sh*t. In the end it makes no difference how you get there. Once divorce is the outcome you can only be prepared as best you can not to let this happen again, protect your family and make yourself the best person you can be if only to spite the betrayer.<P>Thanks to MB and this board I feel at least prepared for a better life than the last 2 years that this affair have wrought on my family. I can hold my head up high because I tried my best.<P>I too think that my wife and her MM will become one of the 3% club. I can only hope they do for my kids' sake, but for me I care not anymore. There will always be part of my heart reserved for my wife, but I can no longer wait for her to "come out of the coma". If it happens it happens, and I will deal with it accordingly. IMO your wife will not become part of that club, but when that will happen no-one knows. <P>Shattered when the betrayed are like your wife the awakening could happen anytime, but there is nothing you can do to make that happen. You must be prepared to move on and accept a bright new future. You know you deserve it! <P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

Hey, I’m only gone for 5 days & my name gets plastered all over a thread? <P>Coming up on 10 months now. Geez, what a “dubious” honor. I did see the Wife for 2 days at BIL’s funeral.<P>Shattered, it sucks. No other way to explain it. Part of the 3% club? Don’t bet on it. First you guys have to be divorced. Then they have to get married. Then they have to make it. Very unlikely although I know it seems very probable. Hang on guy. You can make it through all this crapola.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

shattered, I really feel your pain and I share your outlook on a better tomorrow. I guess I will be third in line on the male betrayed side. My wife is still gone into her apt (almost 4 mths) and 6 mths into affair. We spoke right before thanksgiving the day I gave her my hybrid plan B letter. Told her I needed to "pull away" some, cut off some funds, but told her I loved her and of my hopes for our marriage. She still came back with that, "never had desire for you" phrase. It's tough for me to not understand part of it, since our mutual passion was pretty nonexistant in our marriage. <P>I actually still think her affair will crash long term, but I'm not sure I want to wait beyond the 6 months. I just don't know if all this past 6 months can be put behind both of us, not to mention the lack of passion before. I had been wondering about where you were? Maybe, just maybe both of our wives were looking for an exit affair, and will run into the ground with the one their in just to get out of an unhappy marriage.

Hi all - just dropped in to say hello and to thank you all for your very kind and compassionate replies. Although I don't have time to respond to you individually, (I'm at a conference in AZ)please know that your thoughts, hugs and prayers are greatly appreciated. You all are in my thoughts. I'll try to post more often.<P>Thanks again - <P>Shattered1<P>------------------<BR>He who has a "why" to live for can bear with almost any "how".<P>-Nietzsche-