Well Gawwleee! <P>For those who have not seen my posts, here's the short version.<P>I was asked to leave 6 weeks ago because my wife needed time to figure things out in her mind and couldn't do it when I was in the house. I had suspected an affair and always gave her the benefit of the doubt until then. I was even following plan A before I knew there was such a thing.<P>I have found OM (co-worker) at my house at 7am and later found liqour bottles, a pizza box and vaginal contraceptives in the garbage the same week. She lied about the whole thing. Said she had a few drinks one night, ordered a pizza and then used the apllicator from the contraceptives as a lubricant to help insert tampons. OM was there because he worked a night shift and then stopped in to say hi on the way home.<P>I have found 3 new lingerie outfits and seem to find things in the laundry everytime I go home. I have to go over 3-4 times a week becasue of work schedules and kids. When I'm there I plan A my A%% off but always seem to see things that are not quite right. Too many dishes in the DW, extravegant meals being cooked..... ( maybe I look for things)<P>She also continues to lie about here whereabouts. Says she is going to the gym, comes home from the wrong direction, no workout clothes, booze on her breath, no name on the sign in sheet at the gym ( I checked).<P>Last night I went home to look after the kids while she went to work and had to explain to my 5 year old why we cant go play on the swings at OM's house.<P>I've read all the reponses to my past posts and continue to follow the wonderful advice, reading SAA and just received HNHN, but just felt like blowing off some steam.<P>We are under some kind of deadline as we bought a new house 2weeks before I was asked to leave. Moving is at the end of August. I have suggested that we start with counseling so the new house can "represent" a fresh start but she doesnt want any part of that. <P>I gave her SH's article on how affairs begin, kinda scary as it is our life on paper. She read it and had very little response. I've always been the affectionate and loving one in the relationship and I am having a really hard time dealing with this whole situation. Everyone keeps telling me that I am handling it very well but they don't see the countless hours of tears and depression that I feel. I pray every night for her, OM and his wife, my kids, everyone on this board and all of my supporting friends.<P>Why won't she just admit what is going on? I feel like as more and more time goes on she gets deeper and deeper into a relationship with OM. I still get treated like I'm a goober I'm actually not, I just like the name. I'm finding it really hard to justify why I shouldn't start spying on them, trying to catch them in the act. At least that would put all the cards on the table.<P>I know that if she gets upset about that and wants a D, I can go out with my head held high knowing that I was not the cause of the breakup. Or can I, did I just not wait long enough? If it is in the open, maybe she will want to work on resolving things. If she admits first, then its a good chance that the affair has split. If I force it to end, it would be fifty/fifty. If I stay living as a doormat, I have no idea how it will go.<P>Maybe I should go to an Island and limbo dance, since I come from a state of limbo, I should be pretty good. (Humour helps me deal with things).<P>Well better go check on the chickens, The chiken coupe door hasn't been the same since Barney broke it and Thelma Lou is coming over .

Dear Goober, From my name you can see that I'm just plain crazy, which explains why I accuse my H of having an affair. Nice to meet you.<P>My spouse says very little when I point to evidence of an excessive EA - just says he stopped lying to himself at long last and that is why he became quieter than usual, withdrawn, and completely 100% unaffectionate, non-flirtatious and so forth. The story about using the contraceptive applicator to lubricate in order to insert a tampon - bogus. (coming from a woman) No gory details, this is mixed company, but uh-uh, Goober. <P>The guy coming over to say "hi" - the lingerie, liquor on W's breath, not signing in at the health club (good move, checking it out) You know what's going on. That she doesn't want to discuss the obvious is further proof that she's in the emotional/erotic fog.<P>Your'e not nuts, and in spite of the name you're using you're probably not stupid either. And yeah, it's too bad when the kids get caught in the cross-fire. Our kid wanted to know why we don't see the other family any more. Choked me up to hear that question, took all my self-control not to go into a rant right then and there. <P>Spying? Been there. The size of the phone bill the month H was most withdrawn and cold was the highest in years. He won't admit it but it could have been then that the involvement got most emotionally intense. (She was getting ready to make a career move). <P>The books from this website just came this afternoon, I can't wait to get into them. Our Kid keeps coming in looking for homework supplies, telling school stories, it's not a good time to read them right now. But the no sexual interest, emotional withdrawal symptoms of an affair are classic. And when I pointed them out to H, was when he gave me the "That was just when I stopped lying to myself."<P>Welcome to Purgatory, maybe it looks like Mayberry RFD from where you're standing, we all see it through our own filters. Have you talked to a D attorney, to protect yourself, the kids, etc? BTW, where are the kids when W entertains the OW? They shouldn't be seeing Mom entertaining another guy while Dad is gone. Creepy.<P>Thanks for your prayers. Now you're in mine as well! <p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited May 11, 2000).]

Hi Bellevue, a pleasure to meet you to.<P>The kids are around when OM is there. Just the other day I had to explain to my oldest daughter why we couldn't go to OM house even though he has a great swingset to play on. Later that night she "helped" me fold laundry and said "Hey Dad, this is the outfit I wore to OM's house". That must be the hardest part to deal with.<P>Well I'm out of the house this weekend, gonna golf, work out at the gym, read SH's books... anything but start spying on the house. Should I try and get proof of the affair or just let it fizzle out. Right now it looks as if things with them are sizzlin not fizzling.

Bad idea to have moved out without your kids. You need to get yourself back home and make HER move out to continue her affair. Are you not entitled to a Discovery Day? Maybe call Steve Harley for a consultation on that. I'm pretty straightforward and would probably have a flash camera over at the house to catch them in the act. <P>Prepare for moving into PLAN B if you must, but do it in such a way that She won't be getting full custody of the kids. See a really good kids rights divorce attorney right away. You need to know how to maximize your odds of getting the kids in YOUR county.