This is for those long term plan Aers.<BR>How do you get the strength to hang on? How do you keep positive in the face of your loved one telling you they want a divorce? How do you keep going on plan a when they tell you they want out or leave the house. What do you tell yourself to make it easier? Are you just totally self confident that you are the best person for them? How are you so sure you can change in the right way?<BR> I found a divorce website in H things and I realize the worst could be yet to come. I don't know how I will stay strong and confident if he starts seriously talking divorce. I might be a wimp, started thinking maybe I could be happy alone without this stress in my life.<BR>Lora

Hi Lora ,<BR>Iam with you.Iam greiving for H ,like a death.But no more intense emotional pain.Write me in MB.beth

Lora,<BR>Beth,<BR>...and the multitudes...<P>As I wait to take my kids out to a Birthday Lunch...<BR>...I'll add a few thoughts...<P><B>How do you get the strength to hang on?</B><BR>There mostly has to be strength from inside.<BR>The people on the forum... can and do provide me with an immeasurable amount of it when I'm on-line... but <B>that</B> isn't the bulk of the time. You have to dig deep. You have to rely a lot on faith too... knowing you are being carried... in your greatest distress... even if it doesn't feel that way.<P><B>How do you keep positive in the face of your loved one telling you they want a divorce?</B><BR>All I can do is think of how sick my W is...<BR>...losing faith/moral/values/family is a part of the disease called infidelity<BR>...if I lose any of it... and become negative... it gains neither of us anything<BR>...allowing negativity to enter is an open invitation to depression.<P><B>How do you keep going on plan a when they tell you they want out or leave the house.</B><BR>I have to constantly remind myself to "love my neighbor"...<BR>...my spouse is my closest neighbor ever.<P><B>What do you tell yourself to make it easier?</B><BR>I used to tell myself... my spouse will 'get better'... because that's the way it <B>should</B> be.<BR>I can no longer take that dillusional stance. I tell myself... what way it <B>could</B> be for me to be a better father/man... I must take control of my life. I haven't completely done that yet, myself, but I'm working on it!<P><B>Are you just totally self confident that you are the best person for them?</B><BR>No...<BR>That is not a question, for me, worth asking....<BR>"Am I the best for what God wants of me?"... is what I need to be asking...<BR>...whether that's for the kids/family or self.<P><B>How are you so sure you can change in the right way?</B><BR>Constant affirmation by the people here on this forum...<BR>...By doing Plan A and Plan B<BR>...By hearing and internalizing the "rules of a good marriage"<BR>...By thinking of, and trying to resolve other's problems so that if a similar situtation happens to me... I can help myself.<BR>I've seen many changes already...<BR>...I know there are more to come!<P><B>Could I be happy alone without this stress in my life.</B><BR><B>Abosultely</B>...<BR>But... happiness is relative...<BR>...it could be that being alone you would be happier... <BR>Being a healthier (mentally/emtionally) will definitely make you happier.<P>I'm sorry your H is investigating a divorce...<P>I'll be praying for you!<P>You too Beth!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 13, 2000).]

To Lora & Bethn, I pray for both of you to find that inner strength and peace that comes with love....I too am now taking the initial steps towards leaving my H. I am very sad but I came to visit my sister just for moral support. I gave Plan A my best shot while living with him and it was just too painful for me to maintain a loving feeling towards him. Lostva was such an inspiration to me and I realize that my H is still living with me and wants to be friends first again, but as long as there is such a chasm between us, I am unable to bridge the gap with love and acceptance. I guess I have a lot to learn about unconditional love.<P>NSR, your words are powerful. I know that you are speaking truth and I wish I could have looked upon him as my closest neighbor but I find I am unable to..<P>You guys & gals are great to share your experiences. Thank you.

Hi Beth,<BR> Will write you in a day or 2, Going out today.<P>Jim,<BR> Thank you for taking time to give me your prospective. I am working on strenght, but get so distracted by outside influences. I do not think I have that inner strenght you speak of. <P>Hannah,<BR> Yes, my H is still living with me too, but the gap is so big I don't have the ability to close it by myself. I am feeling not to opptimistic these days.<BR>Lora

Jim,(AKA NSR) If you don't mind I would like to ask you a question. Are you getting advice from many people (like friends and family) who just keep telling you to get over this and move on with your life? When so many people keep telling me that, I start to question myself about my decisions. Maybe I am the one who should let go. Since you appear to me the most steasfast in your strength and values I wanted to ask you that.<BR>Thanks, Nancy

Hi.....<P>my H is still with me too..... but I see he is making steps to leave... yes there is a big gap.... he still in contact with OW she lives in another country... sees divorce as the only option... I'm very sad today.... he wants the Divorce and for us to remain friends... bbq's and all.. I just don't see it... I wish I could just sleep the rest of my life away.... says he can't change his feelings for me... see he has been prentending for 18+ years...(right)... any hoot.... I always pray for people on the board....yes, my friends and family ask me how I could be hanging in here so long and when am I gonna get on with it.... I feel the decision to destroy our family should be his....<P>Happy Mothers Day !!!!..........s

NSR, you are truly a God-send. Your inspiration is immeasurable.<P>I wish everyone could be touched by the power in your words. Our society, our humaness is so inflicted by the "whatever makes you happy" attitude. I so wish we could all "do the right thing", take the higher ground. <P>And yet you are doing it. I am not, even though I am the betrayed. My H and I are going to our first joint counseling session this week. He has apologized to me. He is taking responsibility for what is happening to our eldest D by calling her counselor and meeting with her and going to counseling together.......and yet...I find myself focused on what I thought of my H before the "possesion". I am focusing on what i assumed was the reality of my life before the "possession".<P>A BIG part of me wants to make my S and definately OP suffer....... I want to go ahead and make a new life for myself with a new companion and stepfather for my kids and say...."hey...this is what you get"<P>I want to tell Op..." This is your legacy in life....having my H lose all of his respect ( from colleagues and family and friends), having his children lose their faith and trust, bringing out the worst in a man who was good and kind. <P>I read your words and they sting in my eyes. Thank you

<B>Hannah</B>...<BR>Faith... dear Hannah... faith...<BR>I know as you look into the eyes of the devil... (across the chasim your H places between you)... and you can't always be his friend... that's OK...<P>Your H is <B>not</B>your closest neighbor...<BR>...but he'll always be a neighbor.<P>He can, however, always be loved by you... <B>with a prayer.</B> And sometimes... it's the <B>only</B> way to love... to be a neighbor... to be a friend.<P>Divorce is <B>not</B> a sin...<P><B>Lora</B>...<BR>Inner strength...<BR>...is found in giving your pain away...<BR>...and dropping it off for someone who can handle it better than we can!<P>Hanging on to the pain...<BR>...prevents us from finding our own strength.<P><B>Nancy</B>...<BR>Yes... <B>everyone</B>(family and friends) tell me to give up...<BR>They know that my W's continued actions...<BR>...like today when she dropped off the kids<BR>(completely ignoring everything I said... and ending with the response... "put it all in e-mail"... and stabbing me with daggars in her eyes every time she looked upon me... and bitterness in her tone.)<P>Yes... the only way I continue... is seeing all of this as my W's sickness... infidelity!<P>I am most saddened by her hanging on to hatred of me beyond all reason.<P><B>scoick</B>...<BR>"...the decision to destroy his family..."<BR>Yes... even though the temptation might come from elsewhere... the WS must accept this decision. To see <B>a</B> consequence... and... if in time... they come to "light" on it... great...<P>...but it might not be...<BR>...free will means we(the FS) can't control it...<P><B>tootrusting</B>...<BR>Taking the "high" road comes at a price...<BR>...a bit of humiliation<BR>...a bit of beating up ones self-esteem<P>Focusing too much on the past is no good...<BR>...using it as a measuring post... that's OK.<P>Will the WS and OP suffer...<BR>...I really believe... in time... they will.<BR>And it will be much worse than what the FS is going through. We just don't always see their suffering.<P><B>Ladies</B>...<BR>Happy Mother's Day to you and your mom's... <P> <P>Jim

Hey All!<P>Since Jim covered this subject very well as far as I am concerned, I can only give you some personal points of view.<P>I always wake up happy. Must be some type of genetic disorder. My first W hated that!<P>I head into the BR in the morning and smile back at my reflected image. Hey, what a nice guy! Good looking except for the big nose.<P>This is very different from a year ago. I was sad, depressed, suicidal. I just found out that my Best friend, confidant, W was cheating on me. I got over that because of this site and you guys. I only lost a few months of waking up happy. <P>I asked a very close friend of mine after a discussion of my marital problems if she was happily married. She replied that she is always happy and it didn't matter if she was married or not. Makes you think!<P>A lawyer I spoke to years ago on a totally unrelated subject asked me what I really wanted as the find outcome. That made me think. Situation today, I would like nothing more than to get back together with my beloved Valerie.<P>That's what keeps me going.<P>I want to live out my life with my Bunches!<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>