Oh, I must be OUT OF MY MIND!<P>H came for visitation tonight. As usual, I joined them. We went to McD's (D favorite).<P>H made SEVERAL comments on how nice I looked, did I do something new w/ my hair, your dress looks great, etc.<P>He asked how my life was, what's new, am I happy; so many questions! I was a perfect Plan A-er! I smiled, was gracious, looked good.<P>I invited him to spend some time at the house after dinner; he accepted. He played w/ D for a while and then got quiet.<P>H said , "I need to tell you something, and it's bond to upset you. Would you call me after D goes to bed?" I told him that whatever he had to say to me, it would be fine.<P>He told me that OW is coming to visit him this weekend. I told him that I was not comfortable w/ D being around a woman I had never met. He said he respected my wishes, and I thanked him for that.<P>He left, and said, "Well, since I won't be seeing D on Saturday, I'll see her Wednesday". I said, "Fine, see you then".<P>Not 2 minutes later, he called from his cell phone. He asked if I would be willing to meet OW on Saturday. He said that she REALLY wants to meet me and be a part of my life (blech!). I thought about it and said, "Yes, I would like to meet her too!". <P>Then, he said, " OW thinks that it will make you feel better once you see her, well, because, well, she isn't very attractive. She thinks that will make you feel better!"<P>Well, I kinda lost my mind for a moment, and replied, "Oh. yes, H, it REALLY makes me feel better that you left me and D for an UGLY B!" ok, little LB there, but it just came out.<P>I regrouped quickly, and told him that I think it is time for us to meet. She has been a ghost to me for nearly 1 1/2 yrs!<P>He called me back and we agreed to meet for breakfast on Saturday. He told me he was nervous. I told him he had nothing to worry about. It would just be 3 people getting together for breakfast. I told him if he thought it would be to uncomfortable for him the me and OW could just meet, and he could take D to the park or something!! <P>This, of course, did not go over well !<P>So, I need prayers. Lots and lots of prayers. I don't want to feel jealous. I want to be a perfect lady, with all the clas I can muster.<P>So, please, keep me in your thoughts and prayers on Saturday. I WILL need them. Pray that I am able to show them BOTH, the power of love!<P>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl

Cheryl,<BR> I don't know how you can do it.If I was to go meet the BoyToy,somebody would get hurt.But I guess that's a guy thing,huh?<BR> Why would she want to be part of your life,after what she helped do to it?Would it ease her guilt?<BR> Just in case,leave the.44 Magnum at home(you know,"Do you feel lucky?").Prayers are with you. <BR> --Murph

Cheryl,<BR>Oh my gosh.....I must say that I am not sure that I could do that. <P>Good luck.......but I am not sure how this is going to help the situation. Will it make you feel better to know who your H has left his family for? I couldn't do it. I don't mean to sound negative....or make you feel upset.....just letting you know that you are much stronger than me.<P>Nancy

you go girl!!!! Be yourself, hold your head up high. <P>It's funny when our ws"s ask us to do these things...it makes me think of adolecence. My H who sat across from me at a restaurant telling me that he wanted to explore a relationship with his co-worker.... (11 year marraige...no complaints prior to this night)<BR>floored me...but I smiled looked him in the eye and treated him like a friend . I just listened....\\<P><BR>He said "wow" youre taking this better than I thought.. He considered me rational that night......I remember looking at him and thinking "who is this man"?<P>Then when he moved into his apt. he would come over and tell me about all the furniture he bought and plants like a college kid talking to his mom....(difference is he looks like my dad!!!)<P>I will pray for you on Sat. You can do it........I know for me, I am like Murphy...if I ran into her (which I could in this small town) I might lunge at her and rip her heart out!!!!<P>The good news is that the rest of the community is already looking down on her..even more than my H....double standards you know!!!!!

Cheryl,<P>You are a better person than I. I would agree to meet LRB just so I could beat him fistly about the facial area until her was a bloody pulp. Well that is what I wish I could do...LOL<P>That being said I admire your strength, I wish I had it.<P>Yes I still resent him for worming his way into my life.<P>I will pray for you.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

No way in H#!! would I go meet her! She isn't actually a part of your life until those 2 get married.<P>I think that it is too confusing for your child, but that is only my opinion.<P>I know that if I were to meet the OW, then someone would be getting physically hurt and it wouldn't be me.....but then again, that's me!<P>p.s. They might think that you are giving "your blessing" that what they are doing is okay. I don't think that this is normal. Again, this is my opinion only.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited May 18, 2000).]

Oh Murph! You make me laugh! Fortuneately, my bullets are gone!<BR>I guess I am feeling that this may bring some sense of closure to me. Our divorce is almost final, and I kinda look at it that, IF this woman is going to be in my H life, than she will be in my D life, and as a mother, I want to know who my D is spending her time with.<BR>As for her wanting to be a part of my life, well, who the h#ll knows! Maybe it's guilt on both their parts. I have stopped trying to figure out what goes on in their minds!<BR>Thanks for the prayers. I will need them!<P>Mental-<BR>Honey, you ARE strong!! The mess you've been dealt- PLEASE! I'm not going because I want to know what my H left me for (obviously- an attrative spouse is not on his top ten of emotional needs !). I think I am really going to show them both that I am bigger than this situation they have thrown me into. I think it's important, esp. to my D, to show her what her mommy is made of.<BR>I'll be honest, I am hoping to look so good, and be so good, that their insecurties get the best of them and ruin their weekend!! I know I am bigger than this, and I guess I need to prove something to myself!<P>tootrusting-<BR>Thanks. I am going for it. I have nothing to lose at this point. Nothing!<BR>Aren't they just amazing! The things that come out of their mouths. Amazing.<BR>Thanks for the support. I know a lot of people that would like to be a fly on the wall on Saturday!<P>WJ-<P>hey you!! It's good to hear from you. Try not to get blood on your clothes. It's very hard to get out !<BR>I am not a better person than you. I've just been dealing with this crap longer. Plus, I've lost almost all of my resentment for her and HIM! I'm truly not bitter about this. I know that God does have something better in store for me. I think He just wanted to make sure I was ready for it.<BR>You will be fine. You WILL make it through this.<P>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl <BR>

NoTrust-<P>I value your opinion. I feel, however, that she IS in my H life. And because of that, she WILL be in my D life. This is something I Can't control. So, I guess I look at it like this. I can't beat them, so why not join them.<P>As far as me "blessing" this relationship, I DO NOT. But, my blessing has NOTHING to do with it. I DO NOT like the fact that my H has left his family, or that she left her family, for that matter. Is THAT normal? No.<P>I agree that this will be confusing to my D. But, won't it be just as confusing when/if they Do get married?<P>I am not discounting your opinion, just trying to let you see where I'm coming from.<P>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl

Cheryl,<BR>That probably is the right attitude to have, that this woman will be in your childs life so you may as well get to "know" her. I was told something similiar to this last year when I was fighting tooth and nail to keep my kids away from om. My friend, who is a minister, asked me what would I do if we divorced and they married, then he would be in the kids life anyway.<P>I have another friend whose counselor made him meet the om.He and his sons then played soccer with om. I asked how he didn't kill him while playing(he was drafted by the NFL) and he said it was very hard.<P>God luck to you and I will keep you in my prayers.<P>Bob

Cheryl,<P>I'm praying. <P>You can do this. The first time I just saw ow # 1 I blew it, I yelled get that b**** out of my house, she was sitting outside on the steps when I got there. Hey it was only a couple of weeks after he left. <P>But the first time I really met her, I blew their socks off ! I was as calm as was possible, told her what Mike was allergic to, what to do if he got sick ect. and then, though it killed me I told her, be good to him, he deserves it. Of course this was after she ran upstairs and hid ! My friends had warned her if I ever got my hands on her I'd most likely kill her.<P>They were both just shocked, not what they expected. But I will say watch your back, don't let her think you want to be her bosom buddy, and watch what you tell her, always. She could and probaly will twist your words to use against you.<P>Why do they always think that if the ow is not as pretty or not as smart as we are we will feel better. It just ticked me off more ! Man, if you're gonna make a step, make one up not down for petes sake!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

Hi CeeCee,<P>Thanks for NOT taking offense to my reply/opinion.<P>You definitely are stronger in that area, than I am. I know that I couldn't get myself to do it, no matter what (unless they were married, and then I would have to force myself).<P>You sure are strong!<P>p.s. As Deb said, DO NOT become bosom buddies with this OW. You can't trust her. She is deceitful. After all, she is in an affair with your H, right? If you have to see her, then treat her diplomatically (even though she doesn't deserve it), similar to a business associate.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited May 18, 2000).]

oh Cheryl, <P>you amazing amazing woman..<P>You will be fine, you have all the class in the world that you need to get you through this. Like we've talked about, when the feelings have just about gone, you CAN look at them as if they are just someone else, and not someone that you were once married too.<BR>I totally agree with you, that your D needs to see Mummy behaving impeccably. If she knows that she doesn't have to choose between Mummy and Daddy, and that it's ok to like and love both of you, you, my friend have won.<BR>The truth will win out where the OW is concerned, and when your D is old enough she will realise what happened, and who is to blame. Sure as eggs not you.<P>I'm so proud of you. After all we have been through, that you can still behave with such class gives me such a good feeling, about the people I choose to be friends with. I think you're just wonderful.<P>It also does make sense ;that if she is going to be in your D's life, and therefore yours, why have acrimony and animosity. You will never move on with your life in a positive manner holding on to such negativity. Your H has lost so very very much. One day he will realise that.<P>Just know girl, that I am so proud of you, and I'll be thinking of you all day (well, all night here.....)<P>I've even come out of lurkdom for you my friend, I really miss this board, but have been so down and revolting lately, I haven't wanted to 'infect' anyone else !!!!<P>You've got mail<P>love you, and big hugs<P>Jo

Ceecee:<P>I think it is an outstanding idea, if you're strong enough, up for the emotional sunami you will walk into and are completely in control of yourself, you'll gain a lot of insight. Be charming and disarming. Walk in with confidence and poise and be friendly and lighthearted. Above all, be gorgeous. =^^=<P>My Grandma always said "class will tell" and if you keep your dignity in check, you can't loose.<P>On August 4, 1999, I suddenly got the urge to meet the OW. She was pregnant with my husband's child. He had been out of withdrawal for two months and working very hard on repairing our marraige. I knew I had to meet the OW to determine whether or not I could stay in the marraige. It was just something I had to do.<P>Without any forethought, I bought a plane ticket and flew 1800 miles to NY. I did not make hotel reservations and had no clue where or what I was going to do. When I got to JFK, I got a cab to take me to her house, not to see her then, but to scope out where she lived. I had the cab driver find me a hotel nearby. I called a car rental agency who brought me a car and a map.<P>I spent the next three hours in my hotel room taking a hot shower, washing my hair, put on my make-up (I took the same care that I did for my daughter's wedding!)and had a cup of coffee and wrote for a while in my notebook.<P>I prayed. I took my time. I relaxed. I got dressed in my most flattering outfit I could find and took a deep breath and drove to her house. <P>I sat in front of her house for about 40 minutes waiting for her to pull up. When she arrived, I watched this pregnant woman get out of the car and get packages out of her trunk. I was incredulous. She was nothing like I thought she would be. <P>At first I was relieved she was so unattractive-and fat. But then, it worried me because I thought that she must have something really special about her that runs much deeper. That was scarier. I thought she must be a scintillating conversationalist. Or maybe she was really funny and a hoot to be around, or maybe she was really sweet and nice, even more than I was. Maybe she had a trick pelvis!<P>I get out of my car and ask her if she was so and so. She said she was and I introduced myself. She rolled her eyes into the back of her head and groaned "Why are you here, what do you want?"<P>I explained that I had to come unannounced because I was afraid she wouldn't see me if I had called first and I had to meet her, to talk to her, to see if I could stay in my marriage or not; that I had a lot of unanswered questions and perhaps I had some answers for her. I told her I meant her no harm and that I had come all this way on the spur of the moment just to see and talk to her.<P>We ended up chatting for six and a half hours, and I found out everything I wanted to know. I left NY feeling satisifed and reassured and even confident. She wasn't the threat I feared her to be. In fact, while I was talking with her, I felt a little sorry for her that she had deliberately gotten pregnant in the hopes my husband would divorce me and marry her just after three weekends.<P>It was the best thing I could have done. My curiosity was killing me. I had built her up in my head for months fretting that she had an outstanding personality, humor, depth and looked like a Victoria's Secret model and had some kind of enticing secret how to make my husband happy where I could not. UGH The pictures in my mind.<P>My husband didn't know where I was for 24 hours and was frantic. i called him from my hotel the next morning and told him what I had done. He was absolutely incredulous and he kept laughing in disbeleif and said over and over, "My God, you are an amazing woman". He sounded proud of me and said I was gutsy and that I never ceased to amaze him. I think he was flattered beyond words that our marraige was so important to me and that he meant so much to me that I would go to such lengths to meet this woman in an attempt to make an important decision.<P>It worked for me anyway. Everyone's situation is different, though, and each of us knows what we are capable of facing and what is too painful. I remember looking at her belly and thinking, "My God, that's my husband's child in there and it should be MY child, not hers." It was very surrealistic.<P>Catnip =^^=

Hi:<P>My OW weighs 300 pounds, and when my H commented that he likes the "au naturel" look proceeded to stop using makeup, coloring her hair and started wearing granny glasses. When I last saw her (she was my so-called "best friend" who had pursued my mid-life crisis crazed, clinically depressed, just lost job H for a whole year to have an affair), she looked like H**l, really. She's actually quite pretty in reality.<P>Anyway, it took me a long time to realize that his "trading down" like that was really more a symptom of his desperation than anything else. And now that he's back from "lalaland", he is his usual visual self -- and he loves the things I do to make myself look good. So...hang in there. The fact that your H is taking note of how nice you look is a really good sign, in my opinion.

cc, i've actually been considering mending fences with ow...ive said some pretty nasty stuff to her, and my h never had the courtesy or decency to respect my wishes that my son/daughter(?) not meet her. but what the he!!....<BR>he is still very clear that he wants a separation, and last night he was moping around until she called, then he was all cheery happy (ugh), so im wonderining if it's time to throw in the towel and make peace.<BR>you will do wonderfully meeting your OW, remember it is all in your D's best interest that mommy is the best she can be. also, you'll need practice at this, your H has a track record of women, huh? you'll have to meet them all <BR>

Hi Cheryl,<P>Sorry I'm so late responding.<P>I'll give you my take on it. You probably won't like it... but hey.. what are friends for. <P>I can understand the arguments for the OW being part of your D's life...<BR>...and there will be the need for occasional contact simply because of the logistics of dealing with kids...<P>However...<BR>...as much as possible...<BR>...I would/will have as little contact with the OP as possible.<P>Love the OP... by praying for her.<BR>Love your H... by praying for him.<BR>I've always felt you can love your enemies best... by praying for them.<P>To reach out and get deeply involved...<BR>...when there is/should be little opportunity to admonish<BR>...when morals are presented to your D, in the light of their actions<BR>...when their flaunting "themselves" in front of you and you D continues<BR>...when their unrepentant "sins" remain...<BR>all of this would cause me to withdraw from substantial contact with either of them.<BR>You can't teach them right from wrong... <BR>You can't teach them sincerity... <BR>You can't teach them discretion/modesty... AND<BR>You can't teach them repentance.<BR>You can only show them... you are whole and happy and the best parent your D will ever have, and a loving child of God.<P>I do understand your need for closure...<BR>...that's part of the Plan B/Plan D road you take. Closure doesn't have to be a long drawn out process though. In the end... decisions about your D's life will still be between you and your H... not the OP!<P>I agree, since you are definitely going to meet them, that you be cordial, and respectful...<BR>...because that's what shows to yourself(not them or anyone else) that you've grown through this.<BR>But again, I'd make the encounter brief. You being there doesn't have to be a tacit approval of all they have done.<P>I've missed your posting Cheryl...<BR>...I hope everything is going well for you..<BR>...I <B>really</B> do!<P>God's Love coming your way. <P>Jim

Cheryl,<P>I will keep you in my prayers for sure this weekend. <BR>Be strong, be loving, and be yourself. You won't go wrong.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Hi Hon,<P>Yeah, I'd go meet her, but not to be her friend... <P>Keep your eyes and ears opened... it's either gonna be the mush parade with her saying things like, "he loves us both" or maybe "I just need you to accept me" or WORSE yet, "you're so pretty".... <P>OR<P>it will be "You need to let go Cheryl, because he's mine"...<P>Best wishes.... love ya, Sheryl

Hey Cheryl,<BR> When I met Jeff's OW I really put on a good show. I was gracious, sweet, laughed alot and when I looked at Jeff I made it clear in my expression that I truely loved him. I made her look like an old hag. Jeff to this day says that when he had us two togeather in the room he couldn't believe that he left me for her. She tried to be friends but I told her that there was no way I could ever be her friend and well that wasn't the end of it but you got the picture. <BR>Good Luck and let us all know how it goes!<P>Jill

Good luck tomorrow! It will be very hard for you. If you have sleeping pills.. take some tonight so you can rest instead of staying away all night in anticipation!<P>I agree you should meet her.. first and foremost to assure yourself as to what type of person she is.. will you feel comfortable having your D exposed to this woman. Also, lets face it.. it will give you the peace of mind of putting a face to a name.<P>While It is possible that you will like her.. I would not go looking for that or expecting that and I would be on my guard with her and your H. <P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.. for you will need all your strength... I hope I can be as strong when my time comes!