Maybe just a pep talk. Maybe nothing. I really don't know.<P>He's been gone more than 4 months now. I miss him as much today as the day he left. Amazes me.<P>A lot of you know already that he has almost attained the status of the King of Wafflers. His situation is strange. Nothing makes sense. I rarely see him, sometimes a couple of times a week, sometimes a couple of weeks go by. He rarely calls.<P>According to my inside info, he's not in love w/ PT. Can hardly stand her, but feels some obligation, I guess, he's still living there. In filth, with no freedom, no money. He cleans (when he's there - working 14-16 hours per day), cooks, does laundry and takes the wee one to the babysitter in the morning. Broke as can be - even with all the extra work. I was angry with her earlier this week. Found out she read and threw away my letters to him and never gave them to him. I'm over that. Anger is hard to come by in me and over as soon as it begins. <P>PT made a fool of him and herself on T-day. The family now is saying that she will never be welcome in their homes again. Even MIL. She actually told H she could only come by to pick up some soup if she stood on the porch and let her pass it to her. <P>The day she told him that, they talked about me and d. He started crying, she said. Talked like H for the first time in months. <P>"It's a shame that you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone. Lori and I had everything. We were always meant for each other. We got along, built a life. But, somewhere along the way, something went wrong. I don't know when she stopped loving and needing me, I can't even tell you when it happened. I only know that the fact that it's over hurts more than anything."<P>Mom's like "HUH?" She knows I adore that man, always have. She tried to talk to him for a while, telling him that it could be better than ever. He listened, but had to leave for work.<P>I'm not sure what to do. 3 weeks ago, he was talking to everyone about coming home. 2 weeks ago, he wanted a divorce. T-day, cold as ice. But his hugs are warm. And long, like he can't let go. Just like the day he left, when he told me he couldn't bear to tell me goodbye.<P>I figure I need to do something. I can't figure out what. I think of things, but can't get going - I can't get him to come by. Have I (like Sidney said) been TOO passive in my endeavor to Plan A properly? No pressure, just I love you. Never mentioning what to do or PT. <P>But I'm not crying. I'm not happy. I feel really...........numb, I guess, or dead. I want him. I miss him and I need him. But I'm not sure what's happening to me. I've told the stars "I love you, H" every night, many times a night for months. I pray for him, for me, for us (and all of you) many times a day. <P>In ten years +, I slept w/ my head on his chest every night. Even the last night he was here. Every night, same thing. "C'mere Baby." and I'd come over. I sleep now w/ my arms wrapped around his pillow.<P>I need to cry. Or yell, or do SOMETHING. I need to feel what my heart is saying to do so that I can DO it. For myself, for him - maybe for us. I don't know.<P>I guess that's all - or nothing, whatever the case may be. Thanks for listening.<P>Lori

ah sweetie...<P>what can I say? Love ya, wish you weren't going through this crap, wish he'd pull his head out from the fruit filling...<P>Big hug honey!!!!<P>~Sheryl

Lori -- I'm still waiting for the "ridiculous post for the week". This one was genuine, real and heartfelt. I admire your courage, your tenacity and your true love for your H. In your corner is PT(even if she doesn't realize it). Every day, she makes your H realize what he had in you and what he lost. Unfortunately, male pride and ego sometimes get in the way of what should be done, but it appears that this may be wearing down. He obviously loves you and you can take that to the bank.<P>Pressure won't work. You are doing the right things even if it doesn't seem so now. Keep doing this for as long as you can. That's all anyone including yourself, can ask. <P>Treasure the memories you have of the time when he was still there. Use them to reinforce your resolve. I won't be able to recall being together the last night she's here as she moved into another bedroom Tuesday night.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I need to cry. Or yell, or do SOMETHING<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Do them all. Do whatever it takes to feel better or, at least, not feel so bad.<P>You are so good at replying to others' posts especially mine. Do some more posts of your own and let the rest of us talk to you. You help the rest of us so much, let us help you.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Thanks for listening<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You know I always listen, we all do, just keep talking.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>

Hi Lostva,<P>I know you read my new approach thread. Try it!<P>Be your H's friend first and foremost! Everything else will fall into place. It's working for me.<P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Oh lostva,<P>I am so sorry for your pain. I have no advice because I think you are being so strong and doing so well. Heartpai is right and so is Medic I believe. Pressure doesn't work. My is H is (knock on wood!) starting to come around and one of the things he tells me is that I gave him space and no pressure and OW was very demanding of his time and of commitments. He has also said he felt trapped in relationship with OW. The difference is he has now gotten a new job offer and I think it has given him the courage to act (I hope so anyway!) <P>But that said, sometimes it takes them more time to come around than you can stand to wait. Don't lose sight of yourself in all this..<P>Hugs,<BR>Starpony<P>I too have been separated 4 months and have passed many nights like yours. Please take care of yourself....

Lori<P>you're sick you need H more than ever, you love him more than anything. How can he get this message? The message he keeps getting is you are managing fine w/out him. <P>Write everyone he comes into contact with (except PT), tell them to tell him you need him, you are sick. Write to his boss, his doctor, his minister, his mother, brother, everyone and anyone who will listen. Don't give up with this message. Why doesn't he believe you? We'll probably never know. This is just one idea, but I agree you should try something different.<P>I really wish it were this easy, but I don't see the harm. <P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

Hi, all. Maybe I just needed to say it. I read your replies and started crying again finally. Always been the "strong one". Tired of being the "strong one."<P>Sheryl - Thanks for the hug. I need one of those right now more than anything in the world. Funny what you miss the most. Luv you, too. You doing ok tonight?<P>Heartpain - Thank you so much for your post. I know you're going through He!! right now. I COULDN'T let myself cry or yell. It just wouldn't come. You know, I'm sitting her and looking at his things. Except for some clothes, most everything's still here. The computer is in "his room", a study type thing d and I decorated for him as a surprise LAST Christmas. It's full of everything he loves, racing, hunting, books. Sometimes it feels as if he'll just walk in the door.<P>I try NOT to post all the time. This situation's so screwy, changes constantly, I just don't want to ...oh I don't know. I post plenty, I think. When I can't stand it anymore alone.<P>Sending prayers and hugs your way to help you through tonight.<P>Medic. I LOVED that post. It made a lot of sense to me. Still thinking about "borrowing" some of your attitude!! Thanks for listening. I have tried to be his friend. Just don't see him enough to do a good job.<P>Starpony - Thanks. Sometimes I feel that my sitting back and "letting him go" might have encouraged the thoughts he has that I don't really love him. If he only knew how hard it was. <P>Mom (MIL) still thinks the tragedies of the last couple of years through him off his rocker. Maybe my having to be w/ mom so much during her cancer and my grief over my dad left him feeling "second place". Who knows.<P>I'm doing ok. I work (until the end of the month anyway - I hope!), take care of daughter and all the rest of the stuff I should. Glad to hear that "no pressure" could be a good thing. <P>Hey, for right now, I got all the time in the world. (Except for being laid off, putting the house on the market, etc. AAUUGGHHH!!)<P>Ya know the weirdest thing? It didn't FEEL like pain until I wrote it out and read it. My brains have turned to mush, I guess.<P>Thanks for the encouragement.

Lori,<P>Hang in there I feel like the objective is in sight for your marriage.<P>I can be a bit devious at times. Here's an idea. You get along real well w/MIL right. Ok, set him up. Talk to MIL, get him at her house spilling his guts to his mom about how things are messed up and he doesn't think you love him. Do you live near MIL? My plan kinda requires that. Anyhow while he's doing this have MIL call you and tell you he's there doing this, then you just drop by, and see what happens. Confess you love for each other, ride off into the sunset, happy again.<P>I know thats blatant manipulation, sometimes it works.<P>In the meantime keep loving him in your heart.<P>Praying for you,<BR>Bill

no lori, i'm not... check out my marathon posts tonight... i've never ever done that ever here... i feel like a fool.

Awoken - thanks. I've been wondering the same thing. Actually, on my Friday night "love bust" I TOLD him all this in my letters. They arrived when he decided to come home. Changed his mind since then.<P>He's more or less broken contact w/ most everyone except his mom - and not much w/ her. She's been my best friend and greatest ally through all of this. He probably does have the impression I'm doing fine. I've always just "handled" things, no matter what. Had to since I was a kid. Not a bad thing, actually, but COULD have given him the wrong impression. If you have more suggestions, I am open to them. Thanks.<P>Hey, guys. At least I got to have a good cry. Needed that. Thanks a lot.<P>Lori

Lostva,<BR>I am right there with you. I know exactly how you feel. Especially the numbness. And that fact that the feeling for H hasn't really changed. Even after four months I still think about sharing things with him. I still want to call him up to tell him things all the time. <P>I have no advice I wish I did. I just take one day at a time and work toward taking care of myself, which I know you are doing too. <P>I know you read Genie's post and I hope it has given you some hope, h ope that at least there is a chance. Sometimes I think that is all that keeps me going, the hope that there is a chance. <P>I hope you are feeling a little better.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Lori -- Everything you send to me, I send back in triplicate. You deserve so much and get so little. <B>This is going to change!!!</B> you will see.....<P>Sheryl -- Don't feel bad, I think I've doubled my post count today. This PC has been on since about 5am this morning. I've hit the "reload" button a million times today to see what has changed. The trouble is that I feel more at home here in the forum now than I do here at home....Anyway, gotta go to bed now, it's 9:22pm and my alarm goes off at 3am...But I <B>will</B> be back on by 4am tomorrow!!!<P>Good night the both of you, my thoughts are with you....

Heartpain - question for you. One of the statements he's made to me WAY too many times is "I made my decision, I'll never look back, whether I realize it's a mistake or not." How DO you get past the pride and ego thing? Frustrates the LIFE outta me. If it weren't for that, EVERYONE thinks he'd have been here w/in a month.<P>WilliamJ - I love the way you think. MIL and H live more than an hour away. Hard to just "drop by". She's with you, though. Trying her DARNDEST to set up all sorts of things.<P>Sheryl - heading for your posts now. Have been a little selfish today. Hang on, ok? <P>SDS - thanks a lot. I know what you've been dealing with too. I do feel a little better, I think. Feels good to cry sometimes. I'm gonna check some other posts now. <P>Thanks, everyone.<P>Lori

Lori -- Checked one more time before shutting this bad boy off....To answer your question with one word: Pride and EGO, OK, two words, Pride, Ego and <B>justification</B>. OK, it was three words. Primarily number three and it doesn't mean anything is permanent. The fact that he makes this statement again and again points to justification. If he's the really the man you married, all of this will somehow disappear when he returns, and he WILL!!<P>I could use a good cry right now, but I just don't feel like it.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Heartpain - glad you checked back in. My alarm goes off at 4:30 and it's almost midnight. I sure hope you're right. Thanks for looking one more time. And for the hugs. I miss them so damned much. (Oops, too much wime for Lori tonight!)<P>Lori

Lori<P>My heart pours out for you, it must be so hard. You have been an inspiration to many of the members here who you have helped so much, keep up the good work.<P>I know most of how you feel as I am going through similar circumstances (separated for 3 months), W is obviously still very attached to OM so it is very diffficult at the moment.<P>Unless I am missing something it seems to me that your situation could be changing. The talk he had with the MIL regards your not loving him is probably a smoke screen for his mothers sake (makes him feel less guilty if he can put the blame on you).<P>I would say that there is definately hope on the horizon in your case but I know the waiting seems for ever.<P>You don't think perhaps you should try and let go a little, as any attempts to tempt him back may be smothering him a little. I know the temptation is always there for me to do the same with my wife but I also believe it has a negative effect so I don't pursue that line.<P>I am convinced that my wife isn't back to planet earth yet but certainly the orbit is getting closer rather than further away. Please accept that your H is not himself at this point in time but all could change in the future.<P>Hang in there Lori, you certainly deserve a lot better than you are receiving at the moment but remember what goes around comes around.<P>Fondest regards and a big hug.<P>Fairenough

Lori - sending you a hug....<P>(((((Lori)))))<P>Beef up your plan A, and F I G H T!!!!! You may have been too passive. FIGHT for him! He seems to enjoy a good fight!<P>God bless.<BR>TNT

HI Lori,<BR> Just got back. First off:<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LORI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR> I think it's just a matter of time. I know HOW MUCH TIME???? Well, the thing that worries me about your Plan "A" is PT has been throwing away your letters. That could be why he told MIL that YOU don't love him anymore. But, it probably IS a smoke screen. <P> About the "pride" thing and "never looking back" THAT'S BULL!! Even the STUPIDEST of us men figure out the "Pride Thing" after a while. I guess we just look for the RIGHT opportunity to bow out gracefully, but we do.<BR> (It would have taken us men a LOT longer figure it out if the Beatles hadn't said "Pride can hurt you too" in their song "She Loves You") <BR> He's come around when TWO things happen<BR>1) He finds his way to "Bow Out" gracefully<BR>2) PT runs out of Pop tarts. Fried green Pop Tarts, man you are beautiful. That will be a classic FOREVER!!<BR> HANG ON. WE'RE ALL PULLING FOR YOU!! FRANK<P>P.S. Something else just accrued to me. Do you think he's afraid of what PT will do WHEN he leaves? Do you have a rabbit? Know what I mean? Maybe he's waiting for HER to end it so she won't FLIP and hurt people. Maybe he's trying to turn the light OFF but she's too stupid and controlling to see it??<BR>

fairenough - thanks for the encouragement and the good advice. But I'm not sure how I could really let up. I've only called him twice in 4 months. I write once a week or so. I've never discussed PT, what his plans are. Just keep things light most of the time. I've never even asked him to come home or if he was THINKING about it. If anything is said, he just says it.<P>Glad your wife is heading in this direction, even if it's just a little bit. You never know what's gonna happen.<P>TNT - Thanks. You think so?? Sometimes I wonder if I SHOULD have fought a little harder. Got any suggestions, oh Wise One!!!<P>Frank - Welcome back. And thanks for the hugs. I don't really worry about time too much, believe it or not. I mean, now's better than later, but hey, I'm patient.<P>Mom believes he's looking for a way out, too. I don't know about the pride thing. This man is...................!!!<P>About your PS. PT's conversation to mom the day after H threw her down when she was gonna come after me. Mom told her it was obvious he was miserable, why did SHE just send him home. "He HAS to stay with me through the holidays. After that, I'll make sure he can never go home again."<P>Mom's been worried ever since. And SIL has been screaming something like this since day one.<P>Thanks every one.<P>Lori