How do you deal with your spouse when you know she is getting ready to go out with OP? I know its a wonderful opportunity for LB's, but how do you stay away from them?

Goober,<P>There is no good (satisfying) way to handle this.<P>What do you do when your spouse slaps you in the face?...<P>What do you do when your spouse cusses you out?...<P>What do you do when your spouse says he/she hates you?...<P>There is very little to do...<BR>What I did (take my current situation into account before you follow me)...<BR>...was to let her go<BR>...and tell her she needed to find out how imperfect their relationship would be (i.e. "grass isn't greener")<BR>...even this was a LB... (trying to educate her)<P>I always told her I loved her...<BR>...and she had a safe place back at home!<P>She moved out 9 months ago...<BR>...and minimizes her contact with the kids...<BR>...divorce is emminant.<P> <P>Jim

Step back, detach, take care of yourself.<P>Tell yourself you are not in control of anyone but yourself...<P>Not always easy....and try not to beat yourself up too much when you do LB....we all do...it's only human

Even though my H doesn't live at home right now, he comes over every chance he gets to see the kids and (he says) to see me. But I know that when he goes on long motorcycle rides or he leaves his kids a little earlier than usual that he's probably going to see her.<P>I hate it. But I say I love you and be careful and then I cry my heart out.

I told him I loved him.<P>I didn't ask any more questions. (We had agreed he'd be honest about where he was going and he was. I asked him to call me if he was going to be late so that I wouldn't worry something had happened to him. OK, maybe it sounds stupid, but I did. And HE DID!) <P>When he came home, I greeted him pleasantly and talked a bit (not about anything serious) and went to bed.<P>No, before anyone says a word, I did NOT condone this behavior and he knew I wasn't. We had discussed how I felt about it once. That was enough. Believe it or not, I don't believe in harping on stuff (ok, so here doesn't count! ) He knew, he knew it hurt, he felt terrible (and usually dealt with it by being mean to me, but, well, that's to be expected.)<P>Then he couldn't stand it so he left and moved in with her. When I saw him, I just pretended "they" didn't exist.<P>Wanna hear something interesting? One night, before he left, he had gone over to her place to watch a movie. She lives over an hour away and they were late starting the movie, so the phone rang around 11:00. It was him, telling me that he was tired (he hadn't slept for a month hardly, bless his heart) and he was too tired to drive home. He said that PT had offered her sofa for him to crash on and ASKED ME IF I WOULD MIND! Ok, so my first instinct was to scream, yell, cry and say "DUH!". But I didn't. I said, "Well, yes, actually, I would. But I understand that you're tired. You're not far from your mom's. Could you call her and see if you can spend the night there?"<P>He was grumpy about it, said ok, and hung up. 'Course I figured that he'd just turn around and get ready for bed at PT's. Well, I'll be darned. 10 minutes later, his mom called me. "Robert just called and said he was too tired to drive home and asked if he could spend the night with me. I told him fine and I just wanted to call and let you know so you wouldn't worry about him. I've unlocked the door and I'm waiting up to talk to him if I can. (She was my greatest supporter!) I didn't know if he'd tell you." And He DID!!! Darnedest thing I ever heard. Can you BELIEVE THAT?<P>We've talked a lot since he came home. There were a lot of weird little things like that and I asked about them when they came up. Know what he said? "Through this whole mess, I could not believe how you treated me with such respect, no matter what I was saying and doing to you. It always made me stop and think. I realized at the strangest moments that if you could treat me that way with everything you were going through and all I was doing to hurt you, I could at least treat you with as much respect as I could, under the circumstances. I know it didn't seem that way, but I was really trying to."<P>It's touchy. But you CAN Plan A with dignity and self-respect.<P>Good luck.<P>Lori

Much easier to read than it is to do, but hey, Plan A is not for wimps as MB Guru Jim says. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Goober (edited May 24, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goober:<BR><B>How do you deal with your spouse when you know she is getting ready to go out with OP? I know its a wonderful opportunity for LB's, but how do you stay away from them?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Goober! Wish I had the answer. Right now H is not seeing the OP, but only because he says he is "waiting for me to see how silly I am being about her" and hoping I will get over it and that counseling together will help. <P>Avoiding the LB's is my biggest hurdle. I have nasty things to remark about her, sarcasm is one of my strongest weapons and also my own worst enemy.<P>But yesterday in counseling my counselor let drop the following formula:<P>Hostility + Agression = Opression<P>It summed up the interraction between me and my H. I keep trying to educate him, beat him verbally into a corner and believing that I can force him to see the light. WRONG. (I posted this formula elsewhere today.) Not saying or doing anything hostile in the situation where you know your spouse is going to see or talk to the OP is like trying NOT to blink when debris blows into your eyes - for me anyways.<P>What's happening with you? I havent' been able to check the boards recently - been too busy. Are you still thinking about moving home?<BR>

Hi Bellevue<P>Nice to hear from you. I actually found concrete evidence that my wife and OM were doin' the nasty in our bed and confronted her about it. I told her that I knew what was happening and that I was moving back in because I don't want that happening in our house while the kids are home. It makes me sick even thinking about it.<P>Check out the complete story at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002991.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002991.html</A> <P>I know I did this with major LB's but it was the only way I could get back in the house to protect my kids and myself.<p>[This message has been edited by Goober (edited May 24, 2000).]

Well it is hard to deal with the issue of the OW or OM. I think that you need to take the high road.. ignore it. If you have kids, than you will have to deal with it if you do not want the kids to be exposed to the other person.. otherwise, ignore it! Trust me they know they are wrong..they just can't help themselves while they are in the throes of this addiction.. all we can do is wait and see if they throw the addiciton off.. that is all we can do.. that and do things to help ourselves.. Good luck!

What do you do when you find your wife has fallen in love with someone on the internet and now has a phone relationship. This is the second guy in less than 1 month but she says it is real...I know I have not met her needs but I'm really willing to try....but with his influence it's hard....we separated for a few days but she wants to live together but seperate until she decides what she wants....she says she know she is in love with him and he with her....my kids are destroyed that Dad is not home with them....I'm at a loss<BR>

Bellevue,<P>Wow!!! are you me???? I have done my best in this situation by stopping myself from educating him........ Op sent her best weapon out to get me....her H.....this has made me try to educate him about her....and even though he doesn't defend her, in fact says he isn't interested in a relationship with her.......he becomes mean to me when I do that.....<P>YOu are right....avoid those triggers.. be prepared to detach when those situations occur........