I guess my main question is, CAN you?? <BR>My SO of several years and I have had a rocky relationship due to many circumstantial problems, and this past year has been really rough (including health problems, family conflicts, and my suspicion - which turned out to be groundless - that he was having an affair). Throughout these years, although he's a good man and has basically been good to me, some of my most important emotional needs have gone unmet. <P>This all reached a crisis point a few months ago when "the final withdrawal" was made and I suddenly fell out of love with him. Seeing this and recognizing that it wasn't a bluff, he finally realized how serious the situation was and began showing me how deeply he (all along) loved me. Since that time, he's done everything in his power to meet my every need and make me feel loved and cherished, yet - although I still love him - I can't seem to get that feeling of "in love" back again. <P>I don't know if it's because I don't trust the change (although I really think it's for real) and am afraid of being hurt again or because once that feeling's gone, you CAN'T get it back, but I very much WANT to. I'm familiar with the "love bank" theory, and it seems that basically says that love deposits can make you fall in love, so why can't deposits make you fall BACK in love?? They seem to be having no effect on me (whereas I'd have given my right arm for them before this change of heart, which took us both totally by surprise, by the way). <P>I should add that after I really gave up on us in my heart, I did, for the first time in all these years, consider another man as a possible partner. Since then, I've had a hard time dismissing the thought (of a new, exciting, and "problem-free" relationship)from my mind. Can anyone help?? I so much want to get back what we had!!!<P>

quandry,<P>Please...<BR>...go over to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A> forum and ask yourself...<P>Is it really <B>"a new, exciting, and "problem-free" relationship"</B>?...<P>Get the book... <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman<BR>and read it... and again ask yourself...<BR>is it really <B>"a new, exciting, and "problem-free" relationship"</B>?...<P>To bring yourself to that "in love" feeling...<BR>...extra efforts on your part may be needed.<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 31, 2000).]

From our experience, I say it can!! In fact, I have become a convert to Harley's therories after I've seen them work.<P>I allowed resentment to build up for years as my needs went unmet and I covered at home so he could travel all over for his job. Late last year I found out he had two affairs in the past 18 months.<P>I thought this was the last straw, but decided to try Harley's principles, especially because we have two little ones.<P>I think he had given up feeling in-love with me BEFORE he had the affair (but he faked it). I set out to fill his love bank and make him fall in-love with me. I figured I had nothing to lose. If I still did not fall in-love back, it would hurt a lot worse when I left if he had feelings for me (back then he loved the OW, but thought we were the right thing to do).<P>I hope I'm making sense, sort of hard to explain. We have fallen very much in love again. My story is in bits and pieces on this site, maybe I will write it one day. We were working with Jennifer Harley. Every time I said it wasn't working, she said just stick to the plan. I told her she sounded like a broken record.<P>It was an extremely painful experience for both of us, but our eyes were gradually opened to what each of us really needed and how we could meet that. We were trying hard but really missing the mark for years.<P>Do you feel he is missing the mark, or have you not given it enough time? Have you struggled with the needs questionnaires until you are truly satisfied with your answers? When I first filled them out, I really couldn't say what was important to me. Now, I am very clear about it.<P>I'll keep writing if you want to answer those questions. My love is out of town and I don't feel like doing housework today, sort of lonely after all the wonderful time we've spent together.<P><P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Thank you, schizzo (and NSR) for replying... <P>I don't know that he's "missing the mark" (between bringing me flowers, holding my hand, professing his love, making time for "dates," etc., I think he's covered ALL the bases)... But I think you may have hit on something with the resentment angle... I'm sometimes shocked at myself when, instead of feeling touched or grateful for these gestures, I feel almost angry that he waited until it was "too late" (although I hope it's not); for years I begged him to listen to me, and he never heard; now that my feelings seem to have changed, NOW he decides to give this relationship what it needed to survive... So I guess that's something I have to overcome, as well... <P>I'm totally convinced that, as he says, he was simply blind before and took me for granted, never believing I would leave (until I was, even against my will, emotionally gone). I believe in this love bank theory and am committed to sticking with it until it DOES work; I tell him he has to be strong and persist, even if the results aren't instantly gratifying. He's "in love" for the first time in his life and wants me to suddenly be back there with him, and I just can't be right now. We do love each other, though, and are being kind to and patient with one another, so I think there's hope. Thanks again. <P>Other opinions???

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by quandry:<BR><B>Thank you, schizzo (and NSR) for replying... <P>I don't know that he's "missing the mark" (between bringing me flowers, holding my hand, professing his love, making time for "dates," etc., I think he's covered ALL the bases)... But I think you may have hit on something with the resentment angle... I'm sometimes shocked at myself when, instead of feeling touched or grateful for these gestures, I feel almost angry that he waited until it was "too late" (although I hope it's not); for years I begged him to listen to me, and he never heard; now that my feelings seem to have changed, NOW he decides to give this relationship what it needed to survive... So I guess that's something I have to overcome, as well... <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear, if you really want your marriage, you will have to chuck the resentment. In one very real sense the past does not exist, only the present. On top of not meeting my needs, my h had these affairs, so I could have also reacted as you say, BUT I KNEW I WOULD ONLY HURT MYSELF IN THE LONG RUN.<P>Start at ground zero, like you were dating. Evaluate this guy on who he is today. I guess I ended up doing that since I almost lost him. He was thinking of leaving us for the OW. Would another woman find your h attractive? It actually helped in a way to realize how tender he could be (in his emails to her) and that someone else was falling hard for him.<P>And let me ask again, is he covering the bases the way you need?? I was surprised to realize that flowers did nothing for me. I guess I'm weird. I needed lots of affection (which at first was very mechanical) and tenderness.<P>

Hi Quandry,<P>The short answer is yes you can. But it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time and it takes thought. <P>Clearly your SO is trying, but you have to try too. Look at him with new eyes, look at the man he is now, rather than the man he was then. Focus on what the two of you can be.<P>We have been through some pretty rocky times but I think we are more honestly in love than we have ever been.<P>Take care.

Yeah, you can...<P>Resentment is a big stumbling block. What helped me was to realize that I played a role in his not meeting my ENs...yes, I tried to communicate, but apparently not clearly enough and in a way that communicated that this was not a minor "it would be nice if" issue, but a BIG deal. He just didn't get it for years...until I also withdrew and stopped meeting his ENs. <P>But, I realize now that neither of us did it on purpose...we may have been deaf, dumb and blind, but as soon as we really understood, we immediately started changing things. It helped me a lot in letting go of the resentment to realize that it was not out of malice, or uncaring that my needs went unmet so long...and, that I;d let him down too at times.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi<P>

I am going thru a similar situation....my W has fallen out of love with me and in love with OM...never met face to face though...I am truly trying to change the way I was for 13 years and like what I am becoming....I will try until the very end but I know and realize that she will lose something special for a "new exciting, problem free relationship"....I truly loved her thru all of our past problems (unconditionally) but was unable to show her...I desperatly want to keep our family together because we could have a beautiful future...I hope that she will look at me in a different light and see the things that I can give to her....but as long as there is an outside influence she will still look at me as the old used car....I will continue to on my path because I am committed to my relationship and the serious vows I took when I married....I believe that we can fall in and out of love many times in a relationship....it is very easy to find that other person that fulfills all of those immediate needs and appears to have everything that a person could want....but wasn't that what you saw in your H when you met him...my point is that a marriage is based on commitment and learning to go thru the ups and downs of other forces...I will continue to be patient, giving and understanding until the end...please try to refocus on you H and see the good that once was there....it may not come but you owe it yourself to try...

I don't have a reply. Only a question. Not sure if this is the forum to do that in, however...If my wife has fell out of love with me, and in love with another am and have not had sex with him, does this constitue an affair or infidelity? She says that it doesn't since she is now committed to working on our marriage for the family and to give her time and be patient.

Martel,<BR>Dr Harley calls that an "Emotional Affair", here on the forums we shorten it to EA sometimes. A married person falling in love with someone not their spouse is an affair, even if it does not include sex (PA--Physical Affair). PA generally follows EA as soon as time & opportunity permit. Your wife needs to end this relationship in order to really work on your marriage--but don't order her to, encourage her to do so, have her come to this site or read Harley's materials, especially SURVIVING THE AFFAIR. <P>Give her love, patience and some time.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10