Ok, for all of you who know me,this is a much needed vent,No one in my seemingly"wonderful life"knows about my H's affair,I have told no one partly because of shame,and partly because i do not believe family or friends can help.I've talked to Steve h who has suggested plan B after exhausting plan A,but deep in my heart I feel it is a step I fear,I still view my H with love and regard him as suffering from temporary insanity,a MLC or from simply being a flawed human who is still unable to face the reality.Perhaps i am being too lenient ,perhaps I am mistaken,perhaps i am wrong to continue to provide for him a cover for the double life he is leading.<P>I need support that what i am doing is right,and that is being the "doormat"and putting up with all the absurdity of this crisis ,despite the fact that I know it is so unfair and that my H would never be as tolerant had the situation been reversed.<P>Coming here to share my frustration has been the only outlet i have.I know there are many of you out there whose spouses are in the midst of their craziness and i just wanted to say thank you to all those who have expressed my thoughts,fears,insecurities,and hopes in their posts.We are all on a mission and I am thankful for all the support I get here... <BR>

Haven't seen any posts from you in such a long time. Sorry to hear your h is still in the insanity mode. I'm glad you're talking to Steve. His sister, Jennifer has helped us a lot.<P>But in the final analysis you have to decide when you can't take it anymore and should move to a plan B.

nabilqad,<P>Is the overseas OW still in the picture?...<P>Has your Plan A (5 months) been good?...<P>I'm praying for you!<P> <P>Jim

Dear Schizzo and Jim<BR>Thanks for your replies.I know you Jim are going through tough times yourself,my prayers to you as well.<BR>Well, my plan A has been a rollercoaster ride,there have been days i just could not keep up the act of being upbeat and cheerful and he would immediately regress into withdrawal and defensiveness.It seems i hold the key to the atmosphere in the house while he is at home,If i am Ok ,he is relatively calmer and less tense.If however,I demonstrate any pensiveness then he is too.I am the one to demonstrate affection,love..etc and he is very passive,neither rejects me nor embraces me with much enthusiasm,but I can tell he is more at ease when i show him love and affection.The problem with me I am at a loss when to give and when not to smother and appear too clingy and needy.What a dilemma!!!<P>He is getting more and more frustrated ,schizzo,I can tell..He lashed out at me last week for the 1st time in his life .I had been quiet and a bit subdued and went out for a walk without telling him .He got worried and was fuming when i got back.We had a talk(I talked,he was reading the paper)the next day to discuss his uproar and he admitted he never thought he was capable of acting that way,and thats why he said our M has to end,he is miserable with me,he has another life in him...etc...I just feel he is so trapped in his emotions and what makes it worse he hasnt been away for a month now.I know he is leaving next week(I found out from a friend)and will 100% see her.I am sure he cant wait to go to her.We havent even mentioned summer plans ,I am thinking of taking my kids away and leaving him to ponder his fate and go to her without the need to make up excuses anymore. <P>The sad thing is I still love him,and miss him..But i need to take control of my lif.How can he overcome this insanity if he hardly see her and all he has is the fantasy of anticipating a wonderful few days with her????Is that enough to sustain the affair and prolong it?

nabilqad,<P>I'm really starting to come to the conclusion that the addiction of an affair...<BR>...can cause real mental/physical/biochemical changes in some people (your and my spouse and others) that are as unhealthy as drug addiction or alcoholism. Once the damage is done... if the resentment from the WS continues... the "abuse" of the resentment <B>towards</B> the FS can't go on forever!<P>Of course I still love my W...<BR>...but it is getting harder to see how she could come back home and regain a sense of "family" and a sense of "union with spouse".<P>I do continue in Plan A...<BR>...until divorce/(her marriage to OM)<P>I hope and I pray...<BR>...but in the end... it is in God's hands.<P>I agree with schizzo...<BR>...a Plan B may be in the near future.<P>You're a good person... <BR>Better than you'll ever know... <P>Thoughts and wishes for you. <P>Jim

Hi nabilqad,<P>Just wanted to say...it sounds like you are doing a terrific job. It's so damn hard and frustrating. I too feel like a doormat sometimes. I find myself listening to my H justifications for all he has done, and I literally have to dig my fingernails into my palm to keep my mouth shut!<P>It's unacceptable to me that he is going off again to meet his OW and has not bothered to even tell you he was going. I could not put up with that kind of behavior with my H living in the house. How are you doing it? I had my husband leave upon discovery, a month ago..and while I can't reccomend this scary step for everyone, the pressure has sure been relieved around here and H and I are getting along great and enjoying the time we spend together.<P>I don't know if we are making much progress, as he is still in a "fog", but we can sure talk openly now...all honesty by my H is rewarded with my thanking him for it. As much as honesty hurts, it's nothing compared to being lied to.<P>I think your idea of taking the kids and going away for a bit is great. He will see that you can function without him, and it will give him time alone (hopefully) to think about what he can loose.<P>allison

Dear az<BR>Thanks for your concern.I admire your courage for asking your H to leave upon D.You are right ,it is unacceptable that he is going to her again and not letting me know,he thinks he is sparing me additional pain by not letting me know till the last minute that he is going.Also is there anything"acceptable" about an Affair?<P>The counseler i talk to recommends to continue providing a safe comfortable environment for him,despite the fact it is pushing me to the edge.I do have choices,and till now that is the choice I have abided by for the common good of my family.I have to pit MY needs,pride,..etc on hold for a while and hope that somehow my efforts are not in vain.<BR>I cannot admit I have been entirely successful,there have been days I am consumed with anger and resentment.What irritates me most is the long distance factor which means he is not in constant contact with her and therefore there is more to imagine,anticipate,look forward to..etc I wish he can go over and live with her for a while and see for himself what it's all about.He always says he cannot leave his "work" and do that.Pathetic.