Well, the weekend was indescribable. I don't even think they make words that could describe how wonderful it went. All my prayers were answered and all my faith and perseverance paid off. My H went to the weekend with the attitude of getting to "unload" on me for all the things I did to hurt him. We even started early by him showing me a folder he had that had all of his "hurts" in it. I was kind've let down because I had hoped he would see his part in all of this too. I put a happy face on, took the "unloading" with a smile and prayed that God would open his heart.<P>Well, he did... By the end of the weekend, Bill had realized his part in all of it through self-reflection... NOT through anything I said or did. His attitude started out as one of "I didn't do anything wrong" and changed to an attitude that included him asking for my forgiveness and saying he was sorry.<P>I truly hadn't expected such a miracle. This program was the best thing I have ever did. Even if one spouse goes with a bad attitude, usually it is that spouse that grows the most over the weekend. I learned things about him I never knew. He also learned about me. He came to appreciate the determination I had in saving my marriage and thanked me for it. I never thought I would ever hear those words. I also never expected to hear him take responsibility for his actions. <P>I feel so blessed! I feel like I experienced a miracle. I feel healed. God is truly wonderful and can do awesome things if we let him.<P>I have my marriage back. I feel happier than I ever have. I feel like I have been blessed with a second chance for a happy marriage.<P>I would recommend Retrouvaille to ANYONE!!! Even people who only have small marital problems! It is awesome!!!<P> <A HREF="http://www.retrouvaille.org" TARGET=_blank>http://www.retrouvaille.org</A> <BR>

I am happy for you. Congratulations.<P>My wife and I are scheduled to go a Retrouvaille weekend on June 23. I am hoping for the same sort of enligthtenment for my wife as you recieved of your husband.<P>I am curious as to what your state of mind was approaching the weekend? Were you expecting big things? What allowed your husband to open up to you? Can I look forward to some progress?<P>I am hurting so bad over being separated physically, spiritually and emotionally from my wife. We just seem to be at an impasse when it comes to reconnecting on nay level. She is afraid to jump bak in the "boat" as she put it.<P>I am hoping Retrouvaille can help. What do you think?<P>I cried at lunch. My heart is hurting.

Well, my state of mind was that "nothing was impossible with God", but I didn't expect a lot.<P>I wasn't sure if my H would see his part in the separation/almost divorce. He went with the attitude of "this is what you did to hurt me". It was important that I didn't mirror that attitude on the outside. <P>The presentations given by the priest and presenters will work the magic needed. Don't try to change her. Only work on yourself. God will reach her his own way. <P>It is a very powerful experience and most of the couples there had one spouse that was in the same frame of your wife and my husband. <P>The presentations from the weekend helped my husband to open up to me. The dialogue process they teach you helped him to share his feelings and allowed me to share mine in a SAFE environment.<P>I saw many miracles experienced by the couples there. The weekend starts out with nobody touching and some even not talking. It ended with EVERYBODY (100%) touching, holding hands, kissing, etc. and smiling! <P>Just make sure you go to the post-follow up sessions. Make sure you work hard and work on yourself.<P>That is really hard to do and I actually didn't even do it myself. I wanted to "work" on my husband...not on myself. It doesn't work with that attitude. <P>I had so many hurts and things I wanted to get out. Just make sure that you take it slow and don't be in attack mode.<P>I think you can look forward to some progress if you make a conscious decision to work on you and to work on your feelings. Let your wife work at her own pace. You are probably "ahead" of her in the desire to work things out. Just remember this and be patient. Pray a lot and have others pray for you.<P>Meet her needs in the meantime and selflessly give. Don't worry about feeling it is "unfair" for you to be giving and giving. That is part of the process I had to do for months and months. I didn't see any rewards until just recently.<P>GIVE, GIVE, GIVE...Lock up your taker for now!<P>NO LB's!!! VERY IMPORTANT!!

Thank you for the insight.<P>I am diligently working on myself and exploring my contribution to the relationship. It is painful becuz some of the stuff I did was very contrary to what I really wanted and would have desired. Why do we do that?<P>So you really believe Retrouvaille is effective and can reach people. How do they do it? Does it really open comm. lines that have been broken or dowm? Was your husband and is your husband now in love with you? How many nights do you spend on the weekend. When do you check in? Do you get to work right away?<P>I have been asking my wife to attend since Feb 00, she has put it off and things just got worse. Commmunication was nill and she was very stand-offish? I did not handle this well and fell into anxiety and depression. I wish we had gone earlier.<P>How much of a role does GOD play at Retrouvaille? My wife's spirituality has fallen off these days and I am worried about her.<P>Please respond.<P>

I had many questions like you. I was frantically trying to figure out what to expect. I had all of my hope for my marrige based on the weekend.<P>I think R is EXTREMELY effective. It teaches a method of communicating that is basically fail proof as far as I'm concerned. Even with their BAD attitudes, it works. <P>We checked in at 7pm. We did work some that night.<BR> <BR>The meals were GREAT! <P>I hadn't heard my husband say I love you in over 4 months. He said he wasn't sure he was "in love" with me. I heard all the usual stuff that WS's say. <P>We checked in Friday morning and checked out Sunday afternoon.<P>My H had been very cold to me. He left when I was 2 months pregnant. I suffered extreme weight loss, depression, anxiety, and eventually the loss of our baby due to it.<P>I have never been so low in my whole life. Thinking back to those months amazes me that I got through it. It was only back in January when he left.<P>They realize that a lot of people have drifted away from God spiritually in this state. They address that later in the weekend in a non-critical, non-judgmental way. <P>They don't focus on religion at all during the weekend. It is structured to not "scare anybody off" so to speak. <P>It will be a good experience for you and your wife. Please just work on feeding her love bank and getting to her a point in which she may be open to communication if they show her the right way. She may not show signs of progressing, but she is with every deposit!<P>I owe Retrouvaille my life! I am restored and I praise God he directed me to attend.<P>

I am trying to be a friend to my wife as much as I can. I do feel isolated from her but am extending myself freely to her each day.<P>I hope that when the 23rd rolls around she will be ready to open up completely and move forward toward a more open, intimate and loving relationship with me.<P>We have two sons. And they are so beautiful and well adjusted. She has been a wonderful mother to them. But it seems we both have neglected our relationship and it has suffered. We just seemed to focus on all the wrong things and never tackle the relationship issues. Then it just exploded and we have not been able to pick up or identify the pieces objectively.<P>Can Retrouvaille help here?<P>Sorry for all the questions. If we make it through this crisis we are going to attend marraige encounter late this year or next year. What do you think?<P>We are in counseling, how about you? IS tit helping? What kinds of things does your counselor talk about. Ours has not helped much. To much psycho-analyzing; no love building or communication techniques to run with. Kind of disappointing. Catholic Social Services, I though would be better; we just have not progressed very far. But my wife was just treading water; not opening up much.<P>She is opening up more now. Hope Retrouvaille is safe place for her to reach her true feelings about the marriage.

You mentioned Marriage Encounter in your post. My H and I attended ME back in February. Though they are similar programs retrouvaille seems to be more for very troubled marriages involving separtion, infidelity, verge of divorce. Since you are separated and there is a possible EA Retrouvaille would probably be more helpful than ME> Marriage Encounter is less intense than Retrouvaille-there is only one followup session. It really helped our marriage but again there was no separation, infidelity or other very serious issues in our marriage.

JM:<P>Retrouvaille can help in all of the things you mentioned. Give it a chance to work. Don't fret over it. Have faith!<P>I would definitely try Retrouvaille before ME. ME is not geared toward "exactly" where you guys are in your relationship. Retrouvaille is!<P>Good luck!

I was thinking of ME for additional follow up after the new year or into the summer. I want to give this marraige every effort to be as good as I know it can be. My wife and I loved each other very deeply and have suffered through lossing connection with that love.<P>I want to learn how to establish and maintain that love. I want to live long days with my wife by my side in a loving, committed and safe relationship. I will extend myself to learn the why's and how's of a good marraige.<P>That is what I committed myself to on my wedding day. It is apparent that A lot of couples fall short of this commitment when dealing with everyday activities and stresses. Thankfully we can turn to those of experience to help us learn.<P>I hope my wife develops the same desire to learn and grow. She has not read any marriage materials or books, she thinks that they are only opinions and can not possibly be the "right way" solve marriage problems.<P>How can I get her to read?

teddy bear,<P>I am happy for you that the week-end turned out to be such a blessing! I remember your posts before you left and your anxiousness about how it would all turn out.<P>If I may, I would like to add a few comments to john meade.<P>john meade,<P>I think it is very good you will be attending Retrouvaille. It is definintely a good thing to do and part of the "doing all you can to keep the marriage". My husband and I attended Retro. in mid May. It was a good experience, but somewhat different than teddy bears. So, I wanted to give you another side of it.<P>First, I am the WS. Even so, I was the one who showed it to my husband (read about it on these boards in April and by some "miracle" there was a weekend in our area in May). Before I attended the weekend I did not have "in-love" feelings for my husband (I still really don't). In fact, at times I was quite hostile. I thought it was good to go, though, because I can't see divorce as an option, do desire to have a good relationship with my husband (don't want to live in a "resigned misery state") and so decided I've got to really try. Attending Retrov. would be part of that really trying.<P>The weekend was emotional (for all people there), it did get us communicating and most importantly, helped each of us to see things from our spouse's side. When that happens, at the very least, a compassion for the other person does develop. It is a good start. I did not experience the euphoria that teddy bear did. My husband was more excited about it all (I am still struggling with internal "feelings"). Some couples did definitely have an experience like teddy bears during our weekend, but not all of them. Even though I didn't have that "in-love" feeling come rushing back, I do not think the weekend was not effective. Feelings cannot be forced or made-up. I can control my actions (attend the weekend, all the follow ups, do all the assignments, take it seriously, be honest, cooperative and so on), but I cannot force my feelings. That sometimes takes longer and I don't want to feel responsible thinking I should feel a certain way. My actions I am responsible for, my feelings just are. So, please also don't expect your wife to "feel" a certain way. For now, be thankful she is willing to attend. If she does that she is cooperating and doing her best. Give her feelings some space.<P>Another good thing about Retrov. is the follow-ups and assignments you do everyday for 90 days (hopefully for the rest of your marriage, but the committment is at least 90 days). Plus they have a very good support network of people to help. If you are separated from your wife, the assignments will at least get you communicating every day.<P>My suggestion to you is: just be thankful your wife will go with you. Let her know you are thankful. Do not express to her what you expect and hope from her. That will put too much pressure on her and is a way of trying to control the outcome. Also, if you are a christian, then pray for the weekend and for your wife. Expect great things from God, put aside any expectations of your wife. Just go with an open hand and see what God will do. <P>It is a good thing. I am glad you are going!<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 05, 2000).]

HI TB,<BR>DO YOUR DIALOGUE!!!!! GO TO FOLLOWUPS!!!!!<BR>So happy to read that your weekend was a success. <BR>John, will add that when you and w go, wear comforatble clothes, take kleenex and a pen that you like to write novels with. <BR>Stay on track, you are going to do fine! cl

My wife and I have been separated for a month now. Do you think I should move back in before Retrouvaille? I do not like the separation but he anxiety of dealing with her indifference was somewhat unbearable. I am on antidepressants now and am feeling a little better. But I have some down times.<P>Not getting her love or at the very least genuine affection is very hard. This state of limbo or impasse that we are in is disconcerting. How do we get through this? I am trying to focus on me and what I can do for myself but it is hard. When you want the marraige to move forward and it is stuck it is frustrating.<P>I just want to begin practicing solutions. Our therapist has given us very little in terms of solutions. Should I push for more solution based therapy or change counselors?<P>Please help.

John,<P>The counselor my H & I went to in December actually encouraged him to just leave if he wasn't happy. He even claimed to be a Christian counselor. I did some counseling with Jennifer Harley over the phone and that helped more than anything.<P>I would suggest looking for a solution-based counselor or asking that your counselor make a "plan" with you that would include the principles from His Needs Her Needs.<P>My H saw this guy for months after he left and I believe that is a HUGE part in him staying gone so long. <P>I think counselors can be very detrimental to a marriage if their goal isn't to save the marriage and that it takes hard work to do it!<P>If you left and it would be appropriate to return home, DO IT! If it would be uncomfortable and an LB to your wife, just wait.<P>I would also suggest that you go to <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> and order the book "How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage". Get the male version. It has helped me "let go and let God". <P>I hope I've helped. Just be upbeat and set a goal to "let go" even just until after the weekend is over. I'm anxious to hear how the weekend goes for you.<P>TB

Hi,<BR> John,let me chime in if I may. Although H and I did not go to retrouvaille,we did go to a marriage retreat sponsered by my best friend's church Calvary Chapel)she and her H gifted it to H and I(they saved our marriage with their gift).It was a weekend long religious based retreat. H didn't want to commit to going at first but he finally did.Have NO doubt,God is working in all this!<P> Our retreat saved our marriage and much much more! We had been separated a month also, when we left for our mountain retreat. Things started out a little tense but we were able to enjoy each others company. NO LB's allowed on a weekend like this.By the time we were driving back down the mountain H and I were discussing when he would be moving back home.It took awhile still,and there was no contact w/OW from several days past discovery. H had started counseling and stated that he wanted to be absolutely sure that when he came home he was commiting forever this time.He knows there are no second chances anymore.Our kids are part of the glue that binds us,I have to admit that.He didn't want to put them through what they went through(watching daddy move out,ever again.<P>The experience of a weekend like this is extremely powerful.I recommend something of this nature for anyone sensing a distance between themself and their spouse.Repair things before the rift gets too wide.<P>My main point for you,John,is that I would wait on moving back in for right now,your retreat is just around the corner.I think it's not worth the risk of making her feel pressured in any way,when the idea of the retreat itself might already have her feeling uneasy.I am quite sure and I pray that you and your W will experience great healing and appreciatiopn for each other during your weekend.<P>The weekend helped my H to see that he clearly wanted his family.It was as though the "fog" is able to be lifted during this time.I had lots of people praying for my H to have clear thoughts.I am convinced now that God used this nightmare of infidelity to stir us to greater thngs as a couple.I never would have imagined that my H would have been excited about being in a couple's bible study 8 months ago! It's truly amazing what God can do.He wants your marriage to work,take your greatest comfort in that thought! Have a great weekend!

Did anyone attend a R weekend this week. I would love to hear about it. My wife and I are preparing to attend a R on the 23rd of June.<P>We are working on our relationship and communication is getting better. Some issues are still causing an impasse. She staunchly wants me to straighten myself out with respect to my career before she "gets back into the boat" so to speak. I agree with her but it cannot be done overnight.<P>What I want from her is a commitment to work on the love relationship from the inside. I am asking her to commit to learning and studying fundatmental ideas and methods for building a long lasting loving relationship.<P>She refuses until she sees progress on my side of the fence. <P>Maybe Retrouvaille will get us started on building that relationship.<P>I would love to hear some R stories.<P> <P>