I and other betrayers here are struggling with letting go of the OP. We hold them so tightly in our hearts. It's difficult and sometimes, we just plain don't want to. <P>I thought it might be a good idea to come up with some ways to let go symbolically.<P>I'll start:<P>1) Write the name of the OP in block letters on a piece of paper. Cut out the individual letters. hold them tightly in your hand. Go outside on a windy day. Lift your hand up over your head and open it. Watch the OP's name fly away.<P>2) Visualize your heart as a cage with a beautiful songbird (the OP) in it. Open the door to the cage. Watch the bird fly away chirping a happy tune. <P>Know that you are releasing the OP to find true happiness either in his/her own marriage or with someone who is 100% available to them. Not the tainted kind of 'happiness' that comes from an affair since that kind of 'happiness' only leads to pain. <P>Any other ideas?<BR>

A few times when I have been alone, it has helped to speak out loud quietly. Something like: "Good-bye, (name). You were never mine to begin with. I have to say good-bye now and let you go." <P>It helps me to speak the words out loud, helps me to realize that the "good-bye" is real. I need to hear those words so I keep moving the way of "good-bye" and don't turn back. Hearing myself say "good-bye" out loud puts a finality to it in my mind. I feel like I am making a determined decision. I don't dwell on where my heart is. First comes the decision in the mind and the actions to support that decision.<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 07, 2000).]

As a betrayed, I'd like to add a couple of suggestions:<P>* Invision your OP 25 years from now, gained 40lbs, bald/grayed, massively wrinkled with dentures.<P>* Invision your OP's family, W/H and children at home. The kids are too upset to sleep and are crying for mom/dad to come home. And W/H is too upset to console them and has no answers.<P>* Then invision you being that W or H that was betrayed and think of all the emotions they've felt. All the hardships they endured "alone", all the gut wrenching hurt and pain they suffered.<P>Jo

Put the name on a helium baloon and watch it getting ever-smaller in the distance as it floats away.<P>Visualize your marriage as a strong, happy growing flower.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

You guys are great! Those are all good symbols. This is so encouraging. I can say I have trouble letting go. I do often picture something Resilient said: my children crying because they can't see my H or vice versa. Not having my H in my life daily. There are more. I know how very much I have to lose, and I'm not going to lose it! Thanks to you all! Keep up the ideas!! <P>

I hold my palms up, as if they were holding the relationship, then flip them over, symbolically emptying them. Actually, I did this gesture about my H, when he was so intent on pulling away and I felt I was grasping him too tightly.

I was telling my counselor this morning about the ideas here and after thinking about the paper letters and the balloon I made the comment "But that would be polluting" and she suggested using a handful of birdseed to symbolize all the little pieces of the relationship. Each seed represents some other aspect of the relationship. Grasp a big handful so you can feel the bulk of it in your hand. Get on a hilltop if you can and throw the seed as high in the air and as far away from you as you can. In addition to helping you let go, it will feed a few birds and won't hurt the environment.<P>I think I'm going to actually do this after my dance class this Sunday. When I get into the park I'll climb on top of the jungle gym and throw that bird seed as high and as far as I can. Then I'll sit on a park bench and allow myself to mourn the loss as I watch the birds eat the seed. And when I go home I'll have begun to put it all behind me. Finally.<P>This will be the last class until fall. I hope this will work. It seems like a good way to say good-bye. And to follow another suggestion here, I will say it out loud, too. Get as many of the senses involved as possible and really FEEL the letting go.<p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited June 08, 2000).]

Well, I tried, but Mother Nature didn't want to co-operate. It started raining just as I left my dance class. I tried it anyway, but I felt numb to it. Maybe it's because of the rain... I was thinking more about not getting wet. And I couldn't just sit and fell the loss, either, because of the rain. <P>I guess I'll have to try something else.<BR>

If I let the balloons go, they would float north, to where my friend lives, and I would wonder if she got one of them and if she was doing OK.<P>If I threw birdseed, and saw the birds gather, I would want to negotiate with them to pick me up and fly me and my breaking heart to where she was.<P>I hear it can take anywhere from 6 months to a year to "get over them."<P>I don't think I can last that long. I heard someone say recently that they were told to "stop loving the other person so much". <P>They replied: "RIght....and how in the h**l am I suppose to do that...just turn a button off?"<P>I would think the key here...is coming to a place where you no longer "WANT" to have these feelings for the other person. I don't know that I will ever come close to that place.<P>***sigh***

Face it: it had nothing to do with the weather.....In fact, you said it best yourself, "...sometimes, we just plain don't want to."<P>As a betrayed, I guess I just don't "get it"...why is this so hard, for you the betrayer, to let go of OP?<P>Why is this any harder for you to do, than it is for me to forgive and accept that my H had an affair? You may have to let a "loved one" go--BUT SO DID I--In fact, you get to choose when you get to let go...whereas, I had to deal with abandonment....I didn't get to let go slowly...I had the love of my life "ripped away"...I didn't get to do any well thought-out, symbolistic ritual...I didn't get to choose when he would leave...he had already gone, before I even knew it.<P>If we, as the betrayed, are willing to "let go" of the resentment...the anger...the disappointment...and accept the betrayer back with OPEN ARMS than what is the big deal with you, the other side, "letting go" as well?<P>Face it, we're both "letting go" in our own ways....<P>We have to--for our own sanity...for our marriage...for our spouses.<P>Quit telling yourself that it's too hard... Make a grown up decision and get on with your life. It can be done. It is mind over matter. You must WANT it to happen. I "wised" up when someone told me to quit my own personal pity-party--to decide if I wanted to love my H, or punish him--it wasn't very flattering. I realized I couldn't continue to feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life. I had to accept that I chose to renew my marriage with my H. I had to accept his betrayal. I had to move on. I had to love HIM. I had to "let it go"....<P>Symbolisms can be great...but you have to act it out...and MEAN IT!<P>If you can find it in yourself to be so concerned about the environment--by refusing to pollute it--than show the same consideration to your H and your marriage. YOUR MARRIAGE DESERVES ALL OF YOU--a 100% effort. Don't pollute it with thoughts of OP. Let it go....<P>JUST DO IT! <P>Peace, Marie<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited June 13, 2000).]

Marie,<P>Yes, you did have to do a certain amount of letting go. I wonder sometimes if the trouble for us is the fact the we do have a choice. If something happens to you, the only thing you can do is accept it and move on. When given a choice, and the idea that you have to cause something to happen that will be very painful for you, you agonize over that choice. You doubt your ability to make that choice. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I had to accept that I chose to renew my marriage with my H. I had to accept his betrayal. I had to move on. I had to love HIM. I had to "let it go"....<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You let IT go, but not HIM. When given the choice of letting HIM go or letting go of the act of betrayal, you chose to let IT go. Why? I bet it's because it would have been more painful to you to let HIM go. When given a choice of actions, people usually choose the one that will bring them the least pain. And sometimes, the short-term pain of one choice is so bad, you can't see the long-term pain of the other choice quite so clearly.<BR>

Truthseeker<BR>I don't usually get involved in these threads. I have a great deal of empathy for the betrayer since my favorite person on this earth is a betrayer.<P>I do however have a problem with your assumption that the betrayed makes the choice of less pain when choosing to accept the betrayal. <P>It is a fact that I would have suffered far less pain if I had kicked my H out on discovery. He is a wonderful man and has made many changes since D-day. The fact remains that the easiest thing for me would have been to end our marriage. My soul might have remained intact. I could give you a thousand reasons that I know this. I won't do that because I don't want to start a debate.<P>I'm sorry that I intruded on this thread. I wish you all the best of luck. I hope that someday you can all achieve the peace that my H has found. I simply ask that you don't make assumptions about what would have been less painful for others.

NoMas said:<P>"They replied: "RIght....and how in the h**l am I suppose to do that...just turn a button off?"<P>No Mas, I don't mean to sound sarcastic, but do it the same way you separated your mind and heart enough from your wife to have an affair. I have read here and have experienced in my own marriage, how quickly a WS can detach emotionally from their wife or husband. The "charges" against the betrayed don't have to be true, they just have to make the betrayed look at fault so that the WS is free in his or her own mind to be with the OP. <P>You once loved your wife enough to want to spend the rest of your life with her, yet you morphed her in your mind into someone you could easily leave or disregard. Try to use some of the same techniques when thinking about the OW now.<P>See, it is possible to forget, you have already done it once! <P>[This message has been edited by Dancer812 (edited June 12, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Dancer812 (edited June 12, 2000).]

Truthseeker: Please read my words again, carefully--<P>quote:<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>I had to accept that I chose to renew my marriage with my H. I had to accept his betrayal. I had to move on. I had to love HIM. I had to "let it go"....<P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Notice the word "chose". I did make a choice .<P>And, yes, it was a difficult choice for me to make. And, yes, I did agonize over the decision--for months in fact. But, when I finally CHOSE, when I finally committed to the CHOICE of healing my marriage, I knew what I had to do. I had to pour my very heart and soul back into my marriage--no floundering--I had to give it 110% of my being.<P>My intention was not to debate who has the harder choice. My intention was to point out that we all have choices to make...and that we all--betrayed/betrayer alike--must be "true" to ourselves. We must make a decision or choice and stick to it...give it 110% of our heart and soul. For, I am convinced that this is the only way we will find peace....both with ourselves and our choices.<P>I feel as though--at last--I have found my peace. And, to those of you that are still searching, I hope that you find your peace soon. ~Marie<P>

TS<BR>I did think abt the ballon polluting, but figured it would be in a good cause...if you like the idea of birdseed, that's great. Sorry about the weather. I do agree that symbolism is often useful...maybe you will want to try this again. Hugs to you!<P>NoMas.<BR>I hope you will get to the point whre you want to be able to let go. Try focusing on your wife and your marriage...it is a way to help you focus your thoughts and will become easier with practice, or so I'm told. Hang in there!<P>

NoMas,<P>I think you're right about needing to get to a place where you WANT to get rid of the feelings for the OP. I have no idea how to get there. I guess focusing on your wife and reminding yourself of all the reasons you don't want to leave her is somewhere to start. You seem to have already made the decision not to leave your wife, so that gives you an advantage. I haven't decided to stay with my H yet, regardless of what happens with the OM. <P>Dancer812,<P>It may seem as though the WS detached quickly from their spouses, but in many cases it is really something that happens slowly over many years. It's like a fraying rope and as long as it isn't broken yet, the fray can go unnoticed. Once that last thread is broken, though, the problem becomes obvious. I don't think the same process can be used for the OP. I think in the case of the OP, the strength and courage to just cut the rope is needed. Where does one find the strength and courage? Keep praying, I guess. <P>wasstubborn,<P>Please don't consider yourself an intruder. All opinions are welcome here. <P>I didn't say that ALL people will ALWAYS take the choice that will cause the least pain. I said that people in general USUALLY do. Of course there are exceptions.<P>But I still think there was some type of weighing and balancing of "Yes, this will be easier now, but in the long run..." type of thing in your decision. Of course I could be way off. I just don't understand why anyone would choose to stay in a situation unless they thought that the rewards outweighed the risks in some way or another. Maybe level of pain isn't the only factor.<P>Marie,<P>I see that I was taking what you said in one paragraph (about choosing WHEN) and applying it to what you said in another. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I'm glad you have found your peace and as you know, coming to a decision does not happen overnight. I'm getting there, but I guess I'm not there yet.<P>Kathi,<P>Don't feel bad about the polluting thing. I didn't think of it until later when I tried to imagine myself doing the thing with the paper letters. I saw myself running after them to pick them up and put them in the trash. The effect just wouldn't be the same. <P>I will try again. <P>I think maybe I will write him a farewell letter and then run it through the shredder.(Shredded paper can be recycled)<P>Or use alphabet cookie cutters and cut out the letters in some bread. I could then rip bits off the bread and toss it to the birds. (This was my H's idea. Do you think there's some hidden need for ripping the OM apart in there? No, I can't say I blame him for feeling vengeful.)<P>Or I could use grass seed and toss it out my bedroom window (there's a bare patch of lawn out there that needs patching anyway. )<P><BR>

I have a question....what if your W who said she was in Love with the Om now says he is out of the picture (never met...only internet, phones and love letters) says she doesn't talk with him anymore wants to try to make our marriage work...but I know she still talkes with him a couple hours a day both phone and internet...I know she has been telling him that she has been doing things with other people but it has been me...I'm not sure what to expect next...she fell in love with this guy within a week...confused

TS<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Or use alphabet cookie cutters and cut out the letters in some bread. I could then rip bits off the bread and toss it to the birds. (This was my H's idea. Do you think there's some hidden need for ripping the OM apart in there? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Too funny...maybe, just maybe...<P><BR>Vol:<BR>I hate to tell you, but this sounds like she is still emotionally entangled with him. Have you read the infidelity stuff on the homepage here? And the stuff on Plan A?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Do you think there's some hidden need for ripping the OM apart in there? <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I mentioned this to my H. He chuckled and didn't deny it. I think I was right...

Ah, I knew it! <P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi