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Joined: Apr 2000
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missy9 Offline OP
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I have been fighting my feeling for my h for 5 months now. I have wanted this marriage to work in the worst way. Those of you who have been around for awhile know my story. <P>His actions today actually for the first time made me feel like I don't want to fight to keep my hopes alive any more. I honestly feel like he is so far gone in his fantasy that nothing will ever wake him up<P>Tonight My son had his band concert that he has been practicing all year for. My h sent an e mail to his mother today to inform her of the event and he wanted to warn her that he was bringing OW with him. My mother in law was very upset by this. She hates what he is doing. She called me at work to give me a heads up of what to expect. She told him that he is still a married man and he has a wife and 2 kids that he just doesn't even seem to care about. He only cares about his feelings. <P>I guess he and his mother started to e mail each other back and forth today about the whole situation. Well on one e mail my h had written on the top " here the last one she sent me" and accidently sent it to his mother. Well, she now knows that he was forwarding all her e mails to the OW to read..<P>Things are not good. His sister then got involved and wrote him an e mail telling him that she is very upset by his actions and that she would not believe him if he told her that he didn't let OW read the letter she wrote to him about a month ago.(she wrote him about a time when she was in a bad relationship.) What she did was copy me in on it but forgot to blind copy me in so now he knows that she sent it to me as well<P>So, I am sure he believes that I am behind all of this today when in fact I had no idea he wanted to bring her. <P>Turns out he shows up but did not bring her with him. Me and my other son sat on the other side of the building from him and did not even make eye contact with him. My sons did not know he was there. As soon as the concert was over I went and got my son and we went out side door to my car.<P>I just could not face him. I would have LB bigtime. He does not care one bit about my sons feeling. How would he have felt if he saw his father sitting in the audience with his girlfriend? He would have been so embarrassed in front of all his friends. <P>Also, the OW is a person that used to work with my h at this school. So, it was a school function that he was at tongiht with many of his colleagues present as well. <P>It think OW is putting pressure on him to bring her out in public. Although he will not admit that. This is the woman my h had arrested for her behavior. My kids can't stand her and they say she dresses like a slut. This from 11 year olds mouths..<P>I am losing all respect for my h. I am finding that I am asking my self Why? WHy do I hold out hope? He has been living with her for 5 months now and all he cares about is her. <P>Do you think its time to go to plan B?<BR>Is it normal to ask yourself why? Does anyone else out here ever just want to give up?????<P><BR>Please help me...

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Missy,<P>Sorry you are feeling so frustrated. Ive wanted to give up alot too. <P>Your H sounds deep in the fantasy. I don't know what to tell you, but I will pray for you and your family. <P>Lora

Joined: Feb 2000
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I forget where I read it.. but someone who has been where we all are now.. said on one of these boards.. that she had decided to move on with her life.. make her choices and try to find happiness.. but at the same time, one of her decisions was to leave her mind open to the possibility of reconciliation if her H approached her.. She felt that this way she was moving on.. not keeping her life on hold... but also remaining open minded to the possibility.. to the concept that reconciliation might be possible. I would urge you to think about the same approach.. move on.. make choices to make yourself happy and to care for your sons. Your H will keep make his choices and it may be that he will snap out of his fantasy.... but don't wait for it.. don't think about it.. just move on in your life and be aware that if he wakes up.. and approaches you that you will be willing to listen to him and than, depending on where you are in your new life, you can make some choices... but in the meantime, you are taking control of your life back!

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Well said Nikki. I'm going to print that one up and keep it.

Joined: Mar 2000
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Missy, I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Believe me I understand. I do think plan B would help you. It would allow you to detach from the situation and begin taking care of and learning about yourself.<P>I don't want to upset you, but Stop worrying about your husband! Think about yourself and your kids.<P>I went away for my b-day to a sort of retreat in which I participated in many challenge activities. The whole concept of the activities was on being mindful.<P>Their premise is that you have everything you need to be happy right inside of yourself.<P>And without going into details about all that I did.....I took away (along with many others) one reality I want to share with you.<P>You are responsible for 100% of 50% of any relationship that you are in!!!! That means 100% of 50%. NOt 100% 0f 80% or 50% of 50%. That also means that the other party in the relationship is responsible for their 100% of 50% of the relationship.<P>We cannot make our H's responsible for either thier part of our relationship or their relationship with their children. <P>Iam trying to focus on the things I learned...to watch carefully for my triggers and put my newly acquired tools for dealing with those triggers to use. This is for me.....<P>I participated in an equine experience there and worked with a horse...to learn how I relate to people. Sounds weird doesn't it....but the man who runs it is like the "horse whisperer". He was amazing and in fact was a psychotherapist for many years and has intimate knowledge with addiction.!!!<P>As I was working with the horse to try to groom it.....he kept reminding me, when things were not working, (ie.the horse was not cooperating) to step back and take a breath and approach it in a different way.<P>What I learned about myself while working with the horse is that I tend to overfunction, or force at which point I might as well bang my head against the wall.<P>When I finally stepped back and took a breath (which for me, breathing makes me focus on my breathing instead of the millions of monsters running around my brain) I was able to re-approach the horse and with cooperation from him, lift his hoof and clean out the shoe!!!!. <P>When I am able to step back and take a breath I stop reacting. That is very hard for me to do...I am definately a reactor!! NOt anger necessarily, but I have to DO SOMETHING! I will generally DO SOMETHING for everyone!!!!!<P>It does no good. We cannot make them see. Yes, it is sad....it is almost tragic when you think of it....but their reality is not reality. It is up to you to make a reality for you and your children.!!!!<P>You don't have to give up to do that. You just have to believe in yourself and your ability to love yourself enough to walk through this crisis....not run, not crawl, but walk...and along the way take a long look at how it is that you ended up in this place...because your husband is responsible for only his 50%...<P>A few interesting books..."Awareness the perils and Opportunities of Reality" by Anthony de Mello (also "the way to love" by the same author) and "Horse Sense and the Human Heart" what horses can teach us about trust, bonding, creativity and spirituality by McCormick and McCormick.<P>Whatever you do....do not give up on yourself!!!!!!! I am always thinking about you!!! TT

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missy9 Offline OP
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Thanks TT:<BR>What an incredible story and interesting weekend for you. I printed this one out and I am saving it. IT really makes alot of sense. <P>How have you been lately? I haven't read much from you. Are you still doing plan B or have you changed your viewpoint since the weekend?<P>I will try my best to step back when things get tough and take a breath. It can't hurt right?<P>I'm off to work now. I talk to you soon.<BR>Thanks again

Joined: Jun 2000
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Hey Missy9,<P>I think what Nikki123 sd is right on. You need to perceive yourself as moving on but keep a window open for your H if he returns and wants to reconcile.<P>I think in our situations it's the only approach that will keep us sane and healthy, maybe even happy again one day.<P>In the meantime you Plan A him whenever it's possible, but do for you and the kids now, Missy9. I am trying to follow this advice too, it's not easy because I miss him and want this to end NOW.<P>It's a daily affirmation I have to make, and every day its just a tensy bit easier, but its progress.<P>There still are those days I feel like I'm back to square one. Angry and sobing and crying and feeling out of control. I hate those desperate type of days. Thank goodness for MB and this board.<P>I'm here Missy9 if you need to talk more. Our situations are so similar and I can relate 100% to how you feel.<P>Wish I could do more.<P>Jo


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