Where do I begin? Since D-day (5 weeks ago for me and 2 weeks ago for my wife), our relationship has been wonderful. We spend all the time together that is possible. She does all the right things to build up her account of love deposits and I do as well. We have experienced some of the most wonderful intimate times together in bed as well as out of bed...all of the little things that mean so much. It still hurts her to see the hurt in me and I try not to show it, but it is very difficult. There is no doubt that I'm holding her to a different standard than myself. I love her so deeply and always have. That is why it is so easy to start the rebuilding process. She still doesn't tell me much about how she feels or hurts because she thinks it will hurt me more. I don't think that is so, but I don't force the issue (at least try not to force it). I held her on a pedistal higher than any woman I have known (and still do). While reading other posts today I ran across a number of them stating that sex with OP was better than what was at home. That never was or will be the case with us. We could make movies about what goes on in our bedroom or wherever. So why? Why did she even have sex with OM? If it wasn't as good then why did she continue to go back again and again? The most often response I get is "communication". Though now she tells me that what she experienced with him is nothing compared to what we have now. And, I don't doubt her at all. So, what is my problem? What do I need to do to let go? I guess I haven't prayed enough or even asked God to take this burden from me. I think it is quite obvious that my wife (who says she has let go of him and won't discuss her feelings with me) and I (who for some reason can't or won't let go of memories of them) can't solve thses issues by ourselves. If memories were not around then we would have a perfect relationship. Any suggestions. She says her only withdrawal is thinking that one day she will come home and I won't be here. Mine is that at the rate I'm going I'll drive her away with these (?').<P>_____________________________________________<P>"It's the little things that mean so much!"

CRC,<P>What had helped me to get over my wifes affair, (until I recently found out it wasn't over) is to just quit thinking about it. It's tough, but sometimes you need to just clear you mind and not dwell on it. What I finally came to realize is that there was not a whole lot I could do to stop my wife from having the affair. Sure had I changed before the affair, maybe things would have been different. But, you can't go back so no sense worrying about it. I know this is a lot easier said then done. That's why I'm up posting a response to your letter at 2 in the morning. <P>Good luck.

CRC- Isn't it funny? I've had those same thoughts too! He always said that having sex with the OW was like two skinny people sticking bones into each other. I tried everything to get him to talk about it but he wouldn't, he kept covering it up and all the time he was having the best sex ever with me. I remember once looking at him while we were engaged and thinking he's angry, it's probably because he can't have this with her. That was when I knew and he wouldn't admit to it, but I knew. It is HARD to get past that. You try to understand why your so hung up on this because you think that if you understood it would make it never happen again. But the thing is you can't. You can't stop them if they want to, the only thing you really can do is to try and move on like TimJ said. It is hard. Even after you feel your definately on the road to recovery you find yourself questioning everything again and again, looking for understanding when there's nothing really there for you to understand, it happened but it's over and WE have to move on, Right?<BR>Anyhow, just so you know it does become more and more infrequent. You start to not think about it so much and then suddenly one day you understand one portion of it and then a month or two weeks later the other part fits. But it really doesn't make any difference in understanding it if you don't move on. You need to put it aside. Pull out a little every once in awhile when you feel like you can answer that part at least and then put is away again. Does this make sense? I hope so, because things are so confusing when your in that state of mind, I know, been there. <BR>If it helps at all we are on our 14th month of recovery. Life is much better and I think I will stay for a couple 50 more years to see how this ends! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>