I have been in recovery for so long it seems like a lifetime.<P>In so many ways I have it better than many here. My H is done with affair, he is home (never left), committed to the marriage and seems to be trying.<P>I am the one that is holding out. I feel that if I just recommitted and he knew I was there to stay everything would be okay and he would be happy, but I don't know about me. I also feel confident that the moment he felt secure in the marriage, he would start belittling me and treating me the way he did the first 13 years of our marrige. He already slips into that old behavior anytime I have been trying hard to plan A for several days. His only motivation to treat me with love is to keep me from leaving, not because he feels it for me.<P>The pain and humiliation is still so very vivid. The anger is still always there. The disallusionment is overwhelming. I have no respect for him anymore. I can't seem to get "Her" out of my mind and out of our bed.<P>It angers me that he may still think about her, but the thought that he is able to just move on so easily angers me even more.<P>What kind of person can hurt another so deeply and then just continue on like it never happened?<P>I can Plan A for a while, but it is exhausting and I can feel my self esteem dwindling away. The moment I start working on me the stress level in the marriage gets out of control.<P>I fear I cannot have the marriage and life I want with him due to what he is (was...whatever...) capable of doing and being.<P>Maybe it is perfectionism, that urge we perfectionists have to throw things away and start over rather than to try to fix them. I know a lot of it is pride, but don't I have the right to live a life free of this humiliation?<P>I have been told what to do by someone all of my life. The thought of being completely on my own is in itself very appealing.<P>Now my H is telling me to take him as he is, to forgive him and overlook his 1+ year affair. Stubborness on my part is probably a big issue also.<P>After 2 years of recovery I am having a hard time just considering this another phase. I fear this is decisive evidence that I will not be able to get over this. <P>This is of course perceived by my H as a weakness on my part.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I fear I cannot have the marriage and life I want with him due to what he is (was...whatever...) capable of doing and being.<P>Maybe it is perfectionism, that urge we perfectionists have to throw things away and start over rather than to try to fix them. I know a lot of it is pride, but don't I have the right to live a life free of this humiliation?<BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think this is probably a natural step on the road to recovery. You got your H back, now what? What about all the issues and "stuff"? You have to ask yourself why did you Plan A and work so hard to preserve this? Focus on what it is that kept you together.<P>The anger and need for explanations and reassurance is natural. At some point, if you are to have a happy life again, you are going to have to let that go though. Are you in counseling? are you working on these things in a safe environment?<P>I believe you are right. If you simply commit to being together, you have a greater chance at being there and being happy there.<P>EVERYONE should have the right to live without humiliation and pain, but you have to look at who is giving you those feelings. It's not your H's behaviour. It's not the neighbors or your co-workers. It's YOU. His behaviour is his responsibility. When you take on the pain and humiliation, it's because you allow yourself to own it. I am not trying to preach here because i have been where you are. The only way out of this victimization is to not accept victimhood. Put the responsibility where it belongs- with the perpetrator.<P>Some people (like me) cannot go back to a man who has done these things. They have too much pride, self-esteem or whatever. I can't say that that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just is. When we live life understanding our own boundaries and by not compromising our principals, we are happier people. <P>I love my H to death, but even if he crawled on his knees and did everything in his power to make me forgive and forget, I could never respect him. The things I hold dear are things he completely disregarded. I think he knows this and sees no room for going back. I know in my heart that he loves me, despite all the things he continues to do. It isn't enough to build a marriage on because we have such different views on family, marriage, commitment, and love.<P>I hope you can find what it is you need in your relationship and be true to yourself. Hopefully that will be within your marriage since you fought so hard to save it, but sometimes it isn't.

Isn't there some sort of Statute of Limitations, some time frame. Two years in the knowing. Eventually I have to say "look, this isn't just another phase...this is the way I will always feel".<P>My gut instinct is that I want out, but I haven't walked out that door yet. We didn't have any separation time. His affair was somewhat over when I found out. He tried to recommit from day one. I bent over backwards to meet all his needs and save our marriage, but now feel humiliated for efforts I made. It was so terribly one sided for so long.<P>He feels that he is committed and insists that he loves me, but I feel I have had to earn this by allowing his "experience with another woman" <P>He has indicated that he always felt that there was a void because he hadn't experienced sex with anyone but me. Now that this curiosity is satisfied and proved (only in retrospect) to be only equally satisfying and not more satisfying that it is no longer an issue and no longer a threat.<P>He says he is committed to me and loves me, but fails to see just how much hard work it is for me to satisfy all of his needs due to his selfishness. I know I will not be able to keep it up and I already know what he turns to when his needs aren't met.<P>Satisfying anothers needs is hard enough when there is love involved. You take love out of the picture and it is just another demand.

Hi tired,<P>Is it two years since the EA ended, more or less?<P>I was doubtful it would work for me, but I have found the hurt and anger do subside when we are doing well together.<P>I think there are two basic reasons if it is not happening and I've seen both in the stories here on MB:<P>The betrayed must choose to let go. Over and over as it comes up. Jennifer Harley taught me to distract myself, stay busy, not allow my thoughts to go there. As I said on the other thread on anger, it also helped to see how vulnerable, etc. he was and where I had failed to meet his needs.<P>Do you believe it was only curiosity? Was it a one night stand?<P>Plan A is for one person to get the ball rolling, regardless of what the other one does. But I also said on the other thread that I don't think recovery begins until both are working on following the Harley principles.<P>What has he been doing for two years? Is he meeting your needs? Getting better, but a ways to go? HE has to build your love bank by learning to meet your needs.<P>I don't see where you've allowed this experience with another woman. It was very wrong. But if he learned that the grass is not greener as you say, he may be ready to be a faithful h. I can't wish for what we could have had. I am here now. I think my h has learned so much from this experience (including that the grass is not greener elsewhere) and will make a good h in the future.<P>If I don't want him, someone else will get a really good man that has grown a lot, yes with my help and my pain. There are no perfect men or women.<P>I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but a good dose of reality helped me let go of the feeling of how "unfair" it all seemed.<P>I have three choices. 1.Work things out with this man, whom I still love despite it all. 2. Live my own life as a single mom. 3. Hope to remarry someone else. I will be the same person with the same hang-ups and have trouble trusting another man, and he will come with a whole new set of hang-ups.<P>I looked long and hard and decided I wanted to make it happen with my h. We have had long talks and he wants it too, so that's where we are.

I have felt everything you just expressed. All I can say it is an individual choice. I can tell you it is right/wrong, but you are the one who's going to have to provide the commitment and will to see that choice through.<P>There is no statute of limitations. I think any one of us can decide we feel *fill in the blank* at any time for any reason. If we commit to that idea, it is real. Just look at all these people here who were surprised by their affairs. It seemed the WS just got up one day and forgot about everything that ever happened before. It's all about choice. A choice to be married, faithful, a cheater, a recovered cheater, or whatever. There are no guarantees that anyone will ever be what you want them to be. So, you might as well fulfill your own desires. And that is.... ?