Hi guys!<P>Fairenough you mentioned something in my last thread that made me want to start a new thread instead of responding in the last.<P>You mentionned the book Private Lies and how many people end up back in first marriage vs. current relationships. Well, get this. My H and are in the final stages of the divorce process. Today a friend came over and we went thru my closet and I got rid of over half my clothes. When I told H I did that he was surprised, but when I listed one item he was upset. It was the dress I wore when I changed from my wedding gown. I said it wasn't like I'd ever wear it and he said and I guess you won't have a daughter and our son will not wear it. I said if we were to together it would be a different story. He said in that case pack it in a bag with moth balls and save it! What is up with that. WHy go thru the pain of divorce if you think you might want back in???<P>Oh well - I thought it was humorous!<P>Have a great day!<P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>

Dhj<P>It sounds like your H is ambivalent about the divorce. <P>I don't know how long you have been married but in "Private lies" Frank Pittman makes the following observation:-<P>"Once a marriage has jelled, has been together for a while or has produced a child, it is not easily dismissed. In established marriages there is no such thing as divorce. What the law puts asunder continues at full tilt emotionally. If people hate each other enough, no divorce is strong enough to keep them apart. Divorce does not seem to come about because a marriage is bad, but because it has been broken.<P>As I see it, when a couple divorce, it is probably that someone is being unfaithfull and won't stop it".<P>Can you relate to this? At first it seems a strange concept but when you think about it it makes a lot of sense.<P>I know in my situation that my W still feels a deep emotional bond to me but is more deeply involved with the OM at this point of time, so whilst he is in the picture I just have to be patient. All that I can do is become an attractive alternative to her current relationship.<P>Likewise you can see that your H is still emotionally attached. Frank Pittman also notes that in a romantic relationship divorce is "drifted into hypnotically".<P>I would take your H comments about the dress positively. He was obviously hurt to think that you would discard such an important symbol of your time together.<P>Hang in there!<P>Fondest regards<BR>Fairenough<BR> <BR>

Dhj<P>Just bringing this to the top in case you missed it.<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough

Thanks!<P>Yes, we have a strong bond and we love each other. He is involved with the OW, but admits he isn't sure what he wants in his life. I said I would wait and around Thanksgiving he crossed "my line." You know the point you can't take anymore. Well, I would still take him back, but I am moving forward full tilt and if he decides he made a mistake he can win me back. <P>I hope once I move that time apart will be good for him - give him an opportunity to reflect on the 9 1/2 years we were married. <P><BR>He is loosing a good one - not to toot my own horn. <P>

Dhj<P>Good for you, look like H has got quite a bit of soul searching to do.<P>I don't know what the OW is like in your situation, is there a contrast with yourself.<P>The OM in our situation is a 41 yr old, unemployed, never been married and lives with his mother (quite a catch, eh?).<P>Take care and wish you luck.<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough

Well, she is actually very similar. The difference at the moment is that she doesn't have kids - I have one. I gave my career up over the years for H. We moved a great deal and it was very hard for my career to grow like his (and hers). I had a career, but everytime it was takingoff we were transferred again. I even started my masters twice and had to quit because of moves. My H is very attracted to "top notch" professionals. Once I quit for the sake of our children and his career, he hired her and it was all down hill from there. <P>