I've been having a rough time revisiting what my H and I have done to one another (both had an affair, his was brief after my own affair that lasted a year and a half - over 2 years ago ended). I realize that in order to heal, you have to be completely truthful. I've been on this board for quite some time and have always believed fully that you need to be 100% honest in order to have a good marriage. Still do.<P>Problem is my H doesn't. He still has many, many problems dealing with what I've done. He has said over and over he wishes I wouldn't have told him about my affair. He is completely adamant about the fact that if I didn't reveal my affair, that his life would be so much easier and better. He has become an angry and hurtful person. I wish I could take away what I've done, but I can't. I have to admit that it was 6 months after my affair had already ended before I confessed, because I was so afraid of his reaction, I thought he would leave and hate me. I realized this was selfish thinking, because he did have the right to know, but now he says he wishes I had never told him, that some things are better left unsaid/untold.<P>I really want to be able to go forward with my marriage and correct the problems that we've had all along, but my husband seems so mired in anger and hatred lately. How many truly wished that they hadn't known what their spouse's did, if that spouse was truly committed to rebuilding? I am so hurt by what my husband has done (had a brief affair), but yet I'm supposed to understand because it's not nearly as bad as what I put him through. I'm really wanting to put that in the past and make it better, but yet I still get the same thing.."you shouldn't have told me". Anyone who can offer some insight, I would be appreciative.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Connor:<BR><B>I'm really wanting to put that in the past and make it better, but yet I still get the same thing.."you shouldn't have told me". </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well...that horse is out of the barn. You told him, he had the right to know, and whether he can get beyond it or not is to be seen. <P>You might read this article by the Harleys on the need for total honesty. Then look over the following ones on overcoming resentment and rebuilding the marriage. Maybe try some phone counseling with them.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html</A> <P>

I have read and re-read all articles listed here, as has my husband, I have a great respect for Dr. Harley. We have been through counseling and my husband realizes what the stance taken is in regard to pro-marriage counselors..total honesty. The problem lies within his ability to accept what's happened. I guess I'm looking for opinions or suggestions for those who have been through the same.<P>

Conner,<P>I haven't been through what you or your H have, but have followed your story since you first started posting. I have a suggestion for you.<P>Please think about the possibility that your H is unhappy with other parts of his life: job, friends, recreation. You see I would guess, that he is depressed and the reason may not be your affair. But once depressed, the normal thing to do is focus on the worst parts of ones life. Guess what that would be.<P>If your H would like to recover from this, have him go to the Dr. or counselor, some one who is capable of prescribing meds if he is depressed. Might want to think about welbrutrin (sp) since it apparently doesn't affect sex drive. <P>Please think about this. He cannot get over the affair if he is depressed, because he will constantly go there to relieve the depression. It sounds weird but it is the misery loves company problem.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi, Connor,<P>I just posted on this very subject on Wings' "I told everything" thread. Your H may be having a hard time dealing with the truth, but I can almost guarentee that more damage would have been inflicted on your marriage if you had tried to deal with this yourself. You might find my story helpful. I firmly think you've done the right thing.<P>As JL said, the horse is out of the barn. You and H both have no choice now but to deal with it. I definitely agree that depression might very well be playing a part in your H's anger and negativity. I have been treated for depression for 11 years, at times more successfully than others (had great results on Prozac, but that stops working w/ long-term use (also hampers sexual desire/response)... tried Wellbutrin, which helped somewhat, but left me still feeling edgy and irritable... am now on Zoloft AND Wellbutrin, which is wonderful for me - alleviates the negatiivity *and* irritability of depression, but leaves my sex life intact - yahoo... ).<P>Anyway, I think you two could use some professional help right now - counseling (joint and single) to deal with anger and learn tools to rebuild a stronger relationship; and very possibly meds to get depression under control. Take it from one who knows - ME! - trying to deal with *anything* while depressed is darn near impossible - you're looking at the world through "mud-colored glasses". Doesn't work, and the failure of the relationship becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. <P>Please try to help him understand that looking backward isn't the answer - there is *truly* no choice but to deal with what "is", and explore ways to make this work. It can be done!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Hi, JL & Suse. I agree with both of you completely. I really never thought about the fact that depression may be the underlying factor here, but it runs in his (and my) family. His mother, sister and father have all been diagnosed as clinically depressed, mother having a nervous breakdown when he was just a child. I don't know if there is a correlation between depression and family history, but my H displays all of the symptoms, and has also started drinking heavily (which has just exacerbated the situation). <P>I have been trying to get him to counseling, he still refuses. I think the only solution is to keep on (gently) trying. We're joining a new church tomorrow, and I'm going to ask my H about speaking with the Christian counselor. We really need to move forward, and it just seems we're stuck in a really bad place.<P>Thanks again.<P>

Hey Conner,<P>Have you tried logic with him? OK! here goes. First, many tendencies are inherited from parents, but more than anything chemistry is inherited. This chemistry determines many things. If you believe that would it be a stretch to think that you (H) may have inherited your families prediliction for depression? <P>Further, ask him if he knew he needed glasses, and eyesight is also inherited, would he go get some glasses so he can see better? Well, in his case the depression may be like inheriting bad eyesight. He needs to get it fixed.<P>Also if he is drinking, this will certainly lead to more depression, but it also leads to something else. Low blood sugar, is also a result of drinking as well. Some of this could also be from that fact.<P>I guess what I am trying to say is he needs a physical, first and foremost. Then you might want to try the logic arguement on him. In fact it is now being realized that depression while having many causes can be passed along in a family just a poor eyesight is.<P>I realize that men, myself included, really don't want to admit to depression. One major reason is career issues. Such things can stall a career, but so can too much alcohol.l<P>Maybe reasoning will help. The other thing that does help depression is sunlight and exercise. So if he refuses meds, see if he is willing to combat it with exercise with you. I know you get plenty of sunlight in San Antonio. <P>To summarize, try coming at this from a physical rather than a mental issue. Chemistry rather than emotions, you know what I mean.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL, I think you've hit it on the head. I know that he's very non-responsive when it comes to discussing problems of the emotional type, so if I take it from a different angle (like you suggested, inherited illness) this may get a better reaction from him and at least into the doctor. <P>One of the biggest problems for him is the fact that his sister has many health (non-confirmed) problems, and in his own words, he's become de-sensitized to those who are sick (whether it be physical or otherwise) because of it. He grew up with her always complaining about some illness or another which she ended up never having (long story), and I think that he thinks if there is something wrong with him, he'd rather ignore it because he doesn't want to be seen as a "complainer". He's obviously taken the opposite route here, which can be damaging. I've seen it when he refuses to go to the doctor when he's been in real, true pain. <P>I agree that exercise and getting outdoors can really help too (yep, we have plenty of sun!) and he's just joined a soccer team, I think that will be a positive regardless.<P>I've asked him to set aside some time tonight for us, so we'll see how the logic talk goes. Thanks, JL.

Conner,<P>The soccer sounds good. Definitely try the logic. I know I hate to admit I am sick. I will go get treated but I really hate it. You know us guys we are supposed to be able to take anything. But we really hate to be seen as weak and in need of help.<P>But I do wear my glasses. I would rather see well than run around like many friends asking people to read things for me. If my hearing goes I'm getting hearing aids too. <P>The best way to be strong is to be functioning at peak capacity. If that takes glasses, earing aids, etc, I will do that. But that is not the same as being emotionally weak.<P>Maybe this will help too. Take care and good luck.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>P.S. Maybe you can approach it as you want him functioning at peak capacity. That means less booze and perhaps meds to make him stronger.<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited July 01, 2000).]

"It's a Guy Thing".<P>Wow! My H has one of those sisters too!! Small world, huh? <P>Family history of depression is a big ol' red flag, Connor. My dad and older sister have both been treated for depression in addition to me (dad's was fairly acute after retirement, death of his mother etc). Frankly, I think my dad still has a chronic depression going - he can get very anti-social and irritable at times and also has a tendency to like his before-dinner cocktail(s). But that's another story!! Hitting the booze is not an uncommon way for depressives to "self-medicate" (others choose drugs, gambling, sugar, ahem *affairs*...).<P>I thought JL had some very good ideas on approaching this. Perhaps you can speak privately w/ your minister and/or doctor, mention the drinking and the stressful times, and see if they would help go to bat for you? I'd try directly with H first tho, especially if you think you can do it non-threateningly, and remind him of his family history and the fact that severe emotional stress can trigger depression in folks who are susceptible. <P>I was really self-conscious and resistent about it too - took my counselor months to persuade me to try anti-deps - but became a believer once I realized how much better I was feeling. (Incidentally, they have tested anti-deps on nondepressed people, and they have no effect whatsoever. So if they do help, you needed 'em!) One more thought - one thing that convinced me was learning that depression can encompass a lot of symptoms that many people don't realize (i.e. aches & pains, trouble sleeping, or waking during night) - you might want to search some depression websites to get a list of possible symptoms - might surprise both of you!<P>Good luck with everything - it sounds like you've got the right idea about approaching this gently, so he won't get his back up about everything being HIS problem (we depressed types can be pretty prickly to deal with! )<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>