My H and I seperated 9 months ago. I need some good advice on some ground rules to make this work and not come across as a LB. Everything I seem to do he sees as a Lb so i keep trying in vain. This is form PA on both sides and he says he doesnt feel it can work, but he keeps calling almost everynite and it isnt to talk about the kids. Please, i am begging anyone out there for some help and support. i will post my whole story later, but right now I need to know how to reach out to him when he is so back and forth. One month he loves me and the next he doesnt. He say its over with her but I know she still stops by. He doesnt seem to be able to talk about this and I have told him he can say anything to me. He says I dont want to here what he has to say, or he doesnt want to talk at all. What up with all this back and forth stuff!!! Need some advice on how to start to make things better when he thinks all of this counseling stuff is BS. I want my marriage to work and I will not give up. How do I make him want the same things, or even to think about it???

WESSIMANTS:<P>Wow, that's a mouthful. <P>Well, here's the advise and you can take it for what it's worth. <P>Confusion, that's the optimum word to describe most WS and it covers your H as well. He's confused and doesn't know what he wants...even from week to week or day to day. You really can't help him in this confusion, it's something he has to work out himself. All you can do right now is be the best friend you can be...and if you're new to MB then you need to start reading the basic concepts on this board and start implimenting them as quickly as possible through a good Plan A. <P>A lot of WS think that counseling is useless. But that doesn't mean you can't get some for yourself to help you deal with the situation. Sometimes seeing the change brought about by counseling in one S can encourage the other to be more willing to participate. There are also many books that you will see referred to on this board that can provide insight.<P>It will seem for a while that you will need to be doing most of the effort to save this marriage, but the structure of Plan A will give some definition to your attempt while allowing you to meet some of the emotional needs your H was not getting from the marriage. Gradually (very) your H should begin to respond to your efforts and it will all be worth it.<P>There is no quick solution to this problem...as you know after nine months... <BR>and some of us are still dealing with it after 5 or more years....but the sooner you get started with your Plan A the sooner you may see some change in your H.<P>Please let us know more about your story and keep us informed of what's happening. Come back and rant and rave if you need to. We'll be here for you.<P>Buffy <P>

First, welcome - I am sorry you had to look for us, but glad you found us.<P>Second, remember: You cannot change him. You can only change YOU. Read everything on this site as quickly as possible. Follow the rules, one by one - no love busters - and love busters, at this moment, are whatever he perceives them to be. Show him that your marriage is a safe and comfortable place to be - try to fill some of the emotional needs you know about. Plan A to the absolute best of your ability.<P>Don't pursue him, don't talk about your marriage unless he brings it up, and then only answer questions he asks. If he asks you to express your opinions or feelings, be ready to express them in terms of yourself and what YOU can do or are willing to do - don't blame him or anyone. If he asks you, for example, what it is that drove you to your own affair, you must explain it in terms of you and not blame HIM. "I was feeling needy and weak and did not say no when I could have and should have." Not "you did not pay any attention to me, so I turned to the OM because he wanted me."<P>"Ground rules" cannot be set for recovery if he is not willing to participate in recovery. And if he becomes willing YOU cannot set them by yourself. Use Harley's ground rules as described on this site and in his book "Surviving an Affair." Use the "Emotional Needs" survey which is printable from this site, and the "Love Busters" survey as well.<P>If you are the only one willing to work at your relationship, then you must do the work without expectations. One person can save a marriage if it can be saved. By this I mean that you can "bring him around" so to speak, but only by changing YOU.<P>Another good resource for marital recovery in general is Michele Weiner-Davis's "Divorce Busting."<P>And, remember to breathe. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Hi Wessimants,<P>First of all thank you for replying to my post from last night. This sucks doesn't it? <BR>I totally agree with buffy and terri. They know their stuff. Please buy Survival After and Affair by Harley. I did not "get" it until after I read it. Yes, each WS is different, but so many similarities also.<P>My H also refuses counseling which is sad, because everyone he knows realizes how much it would help him. But you know, he's a MAN and it just wouldn't be a MANLY thing to do. I'm glad to see so many men here that have seeked out counseling...it is truly the manly thing to do.<P>You can't make your H want the same things, but in his heart he probably does. Make yourself an attractive option. Make home safe. Don't mention OW. Don't let him know how hurt you are. (jeez, i needed to remember all of this last night when I totally lost it..lol)<P>It's good that he's calling you so often. Whenever he calls you, remember he is thinking about YOU. He's not ready to close the door on what you have there, so you are in a good position. Your H says you don't want to hear what he has to say...hey, whether that is true or not, that is his perception of things. What can you do to blow that perception out of the water? Does he feel safe opening up to you. I have to dig my fingernails into my palms at times when my H and I talk, so that I will remember to shut up and listen. Find a way to make it a good experience for him to open up.<P>Ok, I'm yakking here again.<P>Thanks again for your support in my earlier post. Yep, I lived thru another night and am still here trying.<P>allison

Dear Buffy and Terri,<P><BR>Thank you for your words of encouragement. I was feeling a little out of it last nite. Actually, I feel that way everytime I have a relationship talk with the H. LOL!!!Sometimes a girl just doesnt know what to say, ya know. Well anyway Im at work so I guess I should get back at it. I will post my story later. In the meantime I hope eveyone is doing well and may god bless us all!!<P>Susan