I posted a simialiar question on the preg./child board but have noticed that some people stick to only one board and i need all the help I can get. I am obsessed with the fact that my husband and the OW work closely together (and she is preg.) I can't stop thinking that maybe he is just telling me he wants to work it out with me but is also still interested or connected to her. He did return home to us ($kids and myself) on Father's day and things have been relatively smooth but he is a major conflict avoider and now i know he is a Good Liar!! How has anyone else worked out that their spouse and the Ow Work together?

Well, I was gonna refer you to another post about this very subject, but when I went to get it, I found you had already read it!<P>So, then, you know that Robert and I are recovering quite nicely - even with PT working with him and all her shenanigans!!<P>DeWayne, too, has made amazing strides and his w and OM are a two-person TEAM at work.<P>He will have guilt, Honey, especially with the pregnancy. He will be defensive of her, and most likely tempted from time to time - for a while. No biggie. Not really.<P>I know it's hard on you, but you HAVE to believe. Your strength, your courage, your belief, your love - all those things spill over on him....he will draw from that. They ARE still connected on many levels....Robert was for a while. Not any more. And yes, I am sure beyond any doubt. You do your part.....the rest will work itself out.<P>Hang in there - you can deal with this. Lovingly, in the best "Plan A" fashion!!!<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

lostva - I am such a novice at this how did you know I had read the post that pertains to this and which one is it? There are certain posts I like to read over and over again because it gives me strength. How do you remember which is which and keep track of everything? I have loved your posts they have been positive, caring and upbeat. Thankyou. Thank you for your kind words. I really have a hard time with this issue. I am trying to be strong and on the outside I am doing great but on the inside it drives me CRAZY and how do I know she is not pulling all kinds of sympathy moves (he is such a sucker for that kind of stuff). I try not to obsess and some days I do better than others but it is really all I ever think about.<BR> Kris

There's a search link at the top of the page.....gives you lots of options to search, username, keywords, etc. But I'm such a ditz sometimes that if I know a post was pretty recent, I just keep going backwards until I spot it!!! <P>She WILL try sympathy...and heaven only knows what else. You would not BELIEVE the lengths that PT has gone to. I have to give her an "A" for imagination and perserverence!! And, at first, he responded to some of it. Yuck! <P>But, like I said, no biggie. See, he had me! (OK, I'm not THAT confident, just being silly.) But I stayed in Plan A mode and loved and believed in him. When it comes down to it, there are just some steps they have to make for themselves, some decisions we cannot "require". Ok, so we can, but that doesn't mean they'll make them continuously. That doesn't happen until THEY decide. And, I let Robert decide. That's the only way I could feel better.<P>He did. I feel GREAT! We rode the rough patches and things just started taking off. She's NOT your competition. Just remember that. <P>Hang in there, you'll get through this.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Kris,<P>My H and OW work together. Go under "search" near the top of the page and look under "Leilana" if you like. But let me warn you--I posted so many times like my life depended on it and have been practically living in here!! Maybe easier to type "co-worker" under the "subject" area of search mode to be more specific. I've never done it before so don't know what you'll get.<P>I'm sorry about the pregnancy. That would have made me insane since we have not been able to conceive. My heart goes out to you, Hon. But what a blessing that you and your H have children together!<P>The work situation is not the best way to be in recovery. It will take so much more strength and will be much more complex than if we could do this "the Harley way" (moving out of state). <P>I talked with my H's (and OW's) boss today. I suggested that my H could "resign" and find a job elsewhere. OW would probably then decide to leave on her own as well once the love of her life is no longer around her daily. Then my H could come back. But the boss does considers my H too valuable and doesn't want to lose him for even a day--she's afraid he won't come back. She was ready to fire OW at one point but I feel<BR>she is wary of legal or retalitory repercussions. My H would be happy if OW would resign, maybe asked to resign by their boss. That may be one way.<P>We just had an incident involving OW's H acting out and threatening violence against my H during a company party. Something will need to change soon. Things have gotten out of hand and could get dangerous in the workplace. Now we are the co-worker affair poster children in this forum, I'm afraid.

First of all I have to congratulate you on your strength. An OW pregnancy would ahve been my worst nightmare. With the depression I was in I probably wouldn't be here now if that had happened to me. And don't even get me started on all the "accidental" OW pregnancies and the MM who apparently know nothing about safe sex! Do the people at his work know about the affair and who the father of her baby is? As far as working togethr in general that would have been the deal breaker for me. No contact, period. God forbid on a daily basis. H and OW met at work but she was a temp and had moved on before the affair started. She kept calling him to tell him about her hard, hard life (boo hoo) and to continually ask him out. She wanted so much to be his "friend" LOL. Ironically if she had stayed working there he probably wouldn't have had the affair. His job would have been in deep jeopardy over something like that. But if that were the situation I could not have handled it. No way. He would have had to get a new job. The way I look at it the betrayer owes it to the spouse to make it better and no contact is number one. Obviously that won't be possible with your H's situation but if they don't work together you can make sure you are present at any meetings (pick-ups, drop offs etc)

First, I am so sorry you are going through this. Second, I’m glad to hear your H has come back. Almost a year ago I came back to my W and Kids after having a two-month affair and living else most of that time. I also work with the OW (next office). Was your H in love with this women? If you don’t know ask because it will make a difference in how he is able to recover.<P>I hope it was just for the sex and not emotional. If it was just for the sex of it I’m sure he can recover while still working with her (although certainly more difficult). As mine was very much emotional and as a result of still working with the OW I am constantly reminded of my mistake and the flush side of me wants to return to what I thought was my sole mate – even though I don’t want to – I am constantly tempted to return. It’s basically been like I have an internal war going on and w/o relying on Gods power I certainly would have lost by now. My opinion is if their relationship was more emotional the sex, unless you’re husband is on his knees everyday praying for God’s power – he will return or try to return to the OW.<P>I’m at work and don’t have time to look into the history of your problems, but use the resources here to guide you and your H to rebuilding your relationship to where you each want and need it to be. If you don’t already starting praying together and separately so no further damage will be done to your relationship. May God bless you and your family.<BR>

ok here's the scenario - my husband will never change jobs voluntarily. It is one of the resentments he carries against me - he went from being a self-employed fisherman to a job with more security and for some reason he blames me for that - it makes no sense but it is true. Something he has to work on in therapy - he seems to blame me for a lot of his own inadequecies but that is not the sticking point. He claims it was only a sexual affair (2x!!) but that he does care for her. What kills me is that our 4 children are all adopted because he and I could never conceive. We rarely talk about the affair, it is like it is a taboo subject and I am doing the best plan A I can but the wwhole senario drives me crazy. Some advice I've gotten is to conti8nue on this way and it seems to be the best but everyday when he goes to work or isf she calls here to ask a work related question I want to scream!! And because he was so conflicted about returning home and wanting to try and work things out (he left 4 times between Easter and Father's day) I feel like I am walking on eggs and am doing my very best to be nonconfrontational - that is what has gotten me the furthest so far. He says she might be transfered in Sept. I sincerely hope so. When I first found out she was preg. we said we would pay child support. His sister says he is having a midlife crisis and if I am patient it will pass and I have been more patient than I ever thought possible but it makes me CRAZY!!!!

Quakermom,<P>I feel really badly for you. This thread of people having to endure their spouse working with the OP just really bugs me! I am angry on YOUR BEHALF! I was just talking about it hypothetically with my husband the other day. I DO NOT think that I could take having him work with ANYONE with whom he had a relationship with physical or emotional! I just don't think that it's fair! Maybe it's stubborness, but I would flat out leave before I would put up with that situation. I would expect him to do the same in a reversed situation. Money is just not worth it! I really do feel a great sadness for those of you who are going through this. I know how vulnerable we all are once we have become involved with another person, and also that human nature dictates that we want our cake and eat it too. It's just not fair to the betrayed spouse. I'm sure that mine will NOT be a popular post! Sorry--we all have to vent about things that we feel stongly about.<BR>Love,<BR>Binkie

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bink:<BR><B>Quakermom,<P> Maybe it's stubborness, but I would flat out leave before I would put up with that situation.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Binkie, sounds so much like what we all said about staying with our spouse's if they ever had an affair, doesn't it!! <P> No offense taken at all, Hon. I was just beginning to wonder if we needed our own forum! It is unimaginable sometimes.<P>I can't speak for everyone but it is not about money. Tho, that is a small aspect. <BR>My H LOVES his job. And it is so good for him. I so want to tell you what he does--but believe me, he is doing such good things and helping so many people I feel like evil would win out if he was forced to leave. <P>His boss (who knows everything) would let OW go before she would accept his resignation--we had this discussion. We are just giving OW a time limit to do the right thing on her own. <P>That's just our story. None of this is fair. There always is the plan B option of it gets to be too much for any of us, the betrayed, to take any longer. We all have our limits of strength. God bless all of you.

Leilana- I'm glad you understand. Saying that my husband had to leave his job would be the biggest LB of all time. As I've said he already gave up a job he loved for what he thinks was me and the kids (remember reality is perception I keep telling myself). He is at the top of his game right now transfering would be like going from college back to fifth grade. I know some of you out there then say where is his committment? Well his committment is messed up with a lot of wrong thinking that's why he got so messed up in the first place. I feel strong today (it's funny how it comes and goes isn't it?) I think I can Plan A and ride the wave. Working with the OW while she is preg. absolutely is the worst but he is home and I am trying to meet those needs. Thats the best I can do (oh, besides seeing a lawyer tomorrow about how to protect myself and my children if it doesn't work out). And say my prayers<BR> Kris

OK it was sex that’s good. A friend of mine who was also stupid as myself had an affair of that type. He’s doing fine now and although he doesn’t work with his OW he does see her at meetings a couple of times a month. I can’t image where you’re husbands head and heart are at now but I will tell you why I was locked into my OW emotionally so much – maybe it won’t help you but I hope maybe it will help someone out there.<P>For me the OW provided a shoulder to cry on and basically someone to bounce every idea, problem, worry or just laughter off of. I had withdrawn from my wife, church and everyone I was really close to (which I could count on one hand). I was very dissatisfied with what I thought was our sex life but in reality it wasn’t was our sex life in was my life – no one knew me I didn’t relate to anyone but as all humans I really wanted to. I had buried my anger and frustration of our 11 years of marriage into a nice large ball that had to be let out but I didn’t trust anyone with it until I started talked to the OW.<P>The OW had of coarse already had a divorce a year earlier. She had already had an affair as her marriage was ending. She knew everything I was going through and offered to help in anyway she could. Long story short we became very good friends and as this happened my relationship to my wife went straight to the toilet. I just knew I wanted a divorce and the OW looked so attractive to me that I couldn’t wait for our first counseling session to start. Everything was going along great I had the OW and spent a lot of time with her and her children but then she started struggling with her emotional attachment to her OM (the one from when her marriage was ending). I was like a deer in headlights – I suddenly realized that sure I had a really crappy marriage and I wanted to get a divorce and the reason for all of this was so I could be with my OW the rest of my life. So I’m going to put my children through the worst emotional trauma in their lives so I can be with the OW who more than likely doesn’t really love me at all but is certainly good at manipulating things to her advantage.<P>I went away for the weekend w/o the OW and did nothing but think about why I wanted a divorce and what it came down to was I wanted to be with the OW -I couldn’t do it. God finally let me catch enough of a glimpse what a selfish person I was being I knew I had to end the affair. God gave me the strength to end it and make it stick. The OW loves playing with my mind from time to time bringing up the past and letting it just hang out there I think it makes her feel good like she somehow has me on a perceived string and if she wanted to she feels she could pull me back. At this point I returned to my wife and continue to struggle with my addition to this person 11 months later. I have applied for other jobs but as of now am working on starting up my own business and it really wont pay to go somewhere else because of the flexibility my current work provides. Personally I can’t wait to get the Hxxx out of this place and put the entire situation at least of my daily thought process.<P>I am deeply sorry for the hurt and trouble you’re going through – my wife also was on her own type of plan A and it did work. Not right away but as I saw her continuing to stick to it – it made it real easy for me to not only comeback but be completely straight forward about my most recent affair and the one nighter I had 5 years before. God only knows why she stayed with me and why you are trying to stay with your husband but I and my relationship with my wife are living proof that all things are possible though Christ Jesus who gives us strength. I will pray and trust he will do the same in yours.<P>God Bless<BR>