I am completely devastated. I was married 11-6-99. My husband and I lived together prior to that for 3 years. My husband came home from the mountains 3 weeks ago a different person. We fought before he went to the mountains and I was crying outside his truck when he left. He got mad because I asked him what time he would be home. And, he got madder when I started crying. He says I cry too much and I get my feelings hurt over stupid stuff. He ignored me the whole day when he came home. I didn't pay it much attention. When I was washing his clothes I found 2 numbers. I wrote them down and called them on my way home from work Monday. It was a girl's work and home number. I got this horrible uneasy feeling. When I got home he was really wierd. He said he didn't know what was wrong. Then I asked him who she was. He finally said a friend. It was devastating. My first marriage ended because of a cheating husband. Days went by where we ignored each other and then everytime I tried to get him to talk he wouldn't say anything. I found out he changed his pager number and didn't give it to me. Friday morning he said he was going to work late and before I left for work his pager was going off at 8 am. It was her. I confronted him and all he could say was that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. He said to me, "do you see me jumping for joy when you come home from work?" He said a lot of hurtful things to me. We decided to try and make it work, but he said he couldn't promise anything because he couldn't pull feelings out of a magic bag. He said to give him the weekend. I found out he didn't go to work Friday and didn't come home to me until Sunday at 9 pm. I believe he drove 3 hours to be with her Friday night. His shirt smelled like a hotel room and I found a condom in his shaving bag??????? His pager was going off Monday morning again - it was her. I confronted him and he said he didn't want to make it work and called me pathetic. I packed his clothes and put them outside and he moved EVERYTHING out that night. He's gone and I feel that I am to blame. I told him that I didn't care what material things he took because he already took everything away from me. He said that I should have thought about that before I act the way I do. Do you think this is over? Do you think this is my fault? I am afraid that I have pushed him to this? Help.

MK, you are not to blame for his actions. He is in the midst of the affair and he is not thinking clearly. Your husband sounds like he is in a fog still and is trying to blame you to justify the wrong things that he is doing. First off you should read everything here that their is to read about affairs that will help to understand the dynamics of it.

{{{{{Mary Kay}}}}}:<P>I am so sorry for your pain.<P>This is NOT your fault! I would have suggested handling it a slightly different way based on what I've read here at this site, but the affair is not your fault.<P>You are partially responsible for your spouses happiness, but he is 100% responsible for his actions.<P>Please read everything you can here. Here is a good place to start: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A> <P>You'll here a lot about Plan A and Plan B. Here is a description: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <P>Hang on tight. You are in for a roller coaster ride of a life for a while. Whatever happens with you and your husband, you will be okay. And you two may get together again.<P>Hang in there. Let us know how it's going. --HBC

Hi Mary Kay,<P>Sorry you have to be here but glad you found this place.<P>First and formost this is not your fault. As the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink. We are all responsable for our own actions. <P>Like you I was engaged before and he cheated on me we a very good friend. Now I am with Tony and he too has cheated on me. It is hard knowing the pain and re-living it with someone new.<P>If things do not work out with Tony I am not sure I have enough in me to go through a relationship again. But that is me not necissarily you.<P>It is hard to say if he will come back. I found that with Tony, at least, while in the affair he was very mean and nasty to me. When his second group of affairs started I knew because he was mean and verbually abusive to me again.<P>To be honest you probably caught the affair while it was in full force. Hence, him telling you it was all your fault and how he does not love you. You will find that most betrayers say that. (As some suspect it might be in the betrayer hand book). <P>You may want to give it time. Start Plan A. Also start looking at yourself find what needs you have not met of his. Also do stuff for yourself. Try not to focus on the affair as much. Easier said than done. Been there have the T-Shirt. Really pamper yourself.<P>Most important understand it is not you!!! The best advice I have ever had was from a friend of mine when I discovered the affair from the first guy. She said it had nothing to do with you...it had everything to do with their selfishness. I really beleive it. I was not a thought during any of the affairs. If anything I was an after thought.

Dear HurtButCoping:<P>Thanks for your reply. My question to you would be - how should I have handled it? Should I have not packed his clothes up and made him leave? I keep doubting myself, but I couldn't continue to live with him being so mean?<BR>I have read some things here and maybe I have some annoying habits that irritated my husband, but never told me that this was a major problem. He does things to iritate me to, but not enough to make me cheat. He never told me that he was having problems with our marriage. He did tell me now that he has been feeling this way for awhile, but never gave me any indication. I mean, we had our house for sale and we had a deposit on a piece of property. What happened to make this all crash all of the sudden? --MK

Dear Pahakissa1:<P>Thank you for your kind words. Sorry you are going through another cheater. I am taking it that you are still with Tony? How can you stay with him while he is cheating? Has he agreed to stop and try to make it work with you? My H had no intention on even to try and make our relationship work. He just gave up - just like that? Why do you think he doesn't even want to try? I asked him if it was over and he said "pretty much". That hurt so bad. Now he is wanting my wedding rings back. Everything is moving too fast and I have no control. I just want to try and make it work. I can't even get mad at him right now because I love him. Isn't that sick? --MK

Dear trying2_4give:<P>I am reading a lot of things here, and I see things that I could have changed in our relationship and not it is too late because he doesn't even want to try. How can he be so cruel and not even give our relationship a try. And, not just for my sake, but I have a 9 year old daughter too. However, he has told me that he doesn't have any children and that he doesn't want his world to evolve around someone else's child. Why is he just now saying this. We married 8 months ago and we lived together for about 3 years prior to that? Appreciate any insight? --MK

MK, <BR>How can I say it other than I feel the pain. Don't dwell on what is done, but read all you can on the website and see what you can do now.<P>It is going to hurt, alot. You are going to have doubts and pain. Your daughter is going to be confused as well.<P>Be strong, read on Plan A and be prepared for all the negativity that will come from him. It will come. They are in an affair and they justify everything towards being 'right' <for them><P>My W wanted me to die so she didn't have to deal with all the hassles. Hated me .. alot. I plan 'a'd and tried to build me up for my own health. I had help, here. I had angels (Lori) and I went on Anti-depressants (too late - couldve used them sooner).<P>Take all the tools here and survive because it is going to take time. This is going to hurt - I compare it too losing a loved one to death except they are still there and you know it.<P>It takes time, take your friends and hug them when you need it. Don't hide it from your parents etc, use their comfort. <P>Guilt trips are what the S uses alot. Sure you both may have negelected each other to get to this state BUT it was his decision to not fix it and go elsewhere. So you didn't force him. What's done is done, learn read and learn.<P>Hugs,<BR>James<BR>it took us 4 months, and I am not out of the fire yet. But WE are trying now.

Mary Kay:<P>Anything I say about the way you handled the situation when you discovered your husband's affair is just a "coulda-shoulda-woulda": there is nothing you can do about then, so please do not dwell on it.<P>That said, I'll answer your question. I would have confronted him but not thrown him out. It is very difficult to do, and I don't fault you for a minute for throwing him out, but it is harder to work on "Plan A" with him out of the house. You can still do it; it's just harder. <P>And Plan A is what you need to start right away if you want to try to work things out. The second URL I gave you has Dr. Harley's description of Plan A and Plan B. The basic concept is "Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, Disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less atractive to the wayward spouse."<P>I don't know why your H did what he did, or chose this time to do it. I don't know if he knows. You can't control him or what he does. You can only control what you do.<P>Hang in there. It's a tough road to have to travel, but you can do it. --HBC

James - Thanks for the hugs. Luckily I have a lot of friends and family (including my parents) that are supporting me and there for me. I am very lucky. <P>However,I feel so alone with no hope. I am glad that you and your W are trying. You are lucky that you both are willing to try. My H doesn't want to and he is fleeing as fast as he can. And, I truly think he is gone. I don't know if I could even try again with him because of all the hurtful things he has said and done.<P>Should I just completely leave him alone?<P>MK

HurtButCoping:<P>I asked my husband if he wanted to try and his response on Monday was "NOPE"! Then he called me pathetic. I felt there was no hope and I felt that I was totally disrespected. I felt I had no choice other than to throw him out. After I put his clothes out, he came home that night and took everything, he didn't forget one thing. Now he is wanting his engagement ring back. It was a lot of money. But, I am refusing to give it to him. I even had to change my locks on the house because he said if I didn't give it back, he would come take more things to compensate for the price. He has no intentions on coming back to me. I just want him to hurt so bad, more than he did me. What do I do now?<P>MK

Mary Kay:<P>Can you and your daughter get away for a few days just to cool off? Your H has certainly done a lot of mean things and it sounds like you both are pumped up and ready to make each other hurt right now.<P>Is it possible for you to take a step back and not contact him for a couple of days? If you can't get away, can you at least avoid him over the weekend maybe? I really think you should let the hurt and pain subside a bit before you make any life decisions.<P>I know you hurt, MK. I wish I could take the pain away, but I can't. You hang in there and read up. It will get better. <P>All the best. --HBC

Hi Mary,<P>Yes I am still with Tony. Sometimes I wonder why myself. Tony has been cheating on me off and on again for three years now. Each time he swears off and then I catch him. It has never been with the same women. In the beginning there were two real life affairs. I did not find out about them untill we moved in together. The last few have been on-line only. <P>I guess my real complaint is that when we first started dating I told him about how I was engaged to be married and I found out that he cheated on me with a very good friend. I told Tony that I never wanted to live through that pain again. He has not only made me relive it once but at least three times now. <P>I am not sure why I am still with Tony. He has hurt me more than I could ever imagine. Not just with the affairs but the verbal abuse as well as his family's abuse heeped on me. I feel really stupid for loving him at times and trying to work things out.<P>At this point I think I am trying to work things out for me more so than for him. Please bear with me...I am not trying to make you feel low. I have come to peace with me in a lot of ways. <P>I know you feel there is no hope but your H is just confused. I really think you should try Plan A. When you see him be nice to him and show him you still love him. At the same time take the oppratunity to grow and learn from this experiance. I honestly do not think it is over. It may seem over to you but historically affairs do not last. If you really want a good hope story read LostVA's posts. She really went through it all and it really looked like her H would not come back but slowly through Plan A her H came around.

The similarities freaked me out...my H went on a trip and we fought before hand. When he came home he was so cold and distant, then his pager went off and to sum it up I found out. I flipped...I told him to get his stuff out or it would be in the trash. I was a lunatic you have no idea. After 2 days he called and we argued - I heard how he hasnt loved me in a long time, it made him sick when I walked in the door. A horrible situation. The reason I tell you this is because eventually I calmed down. I started reading alot, found this site and really looked at our relationship and did alot of soul searching. Slowly our conversations became civil, then one day he asked if I wanted to join him and kids for lunch. I did. V e r y s l o w l y we became friends. Its coming up on 2 yrs since d-day and we have been back about 16mo. It can turn out okay. <P>Your H is acting angry at you because he is guilty. Good luck, magoskid

Mary Kay:<P>Welcome to the club. Everyone here has been where you are at the beginning. Don't blame yourself, I think your husband would have left anyway no matter how you handled it.<P>Usually when they are so cruel and callous, they intend to leave. Mine did...he was extremely cold and distant at the height of the affair right before he walked out. He was never cruel after that since it essentially is not his nature. <P>Probably this is their way of dealing with the guilt...although I don't undertand why they have to be so cruel. Maybe trying to convince themselves this is for the best...by making us the villain.<P>I know you're hurting but all hope is not lost. You have to understand that something was wrong in your marriage.<P>Unfortunately affairs do not appear out of the blue, they usually are the result of a partner needing something they're not getting in the marriage and opening themself up to getting that something from someone else. <BR> <BR>Each of you probably is partly to blame...this is hard to admit, but it's usually true. It's going to take some introspection on your part to discover what is wrong and how you can start to fix it. The fault may lie entirely with your H, however, and not be within your control.<P>If you really want to save this marriage, you need to begin to get control of the situation...at least your reaction to same. <P>Ranting and raving at your H wouldn't help, he won't listen now...maybe later, but not now. He's out of control...you have to try to maintain your composure as much as possible...even while you're hurting.<P>I don't know how familar you are with the principles on this site, but if you haven't already, explore and read the basic MB principles until you understand them.<BR>With a good understand of the principles you will be able to begin to develop a plan to work on restoring your relationship. <P>Reading books like "After the Affair" and "Private Lies" will help you understand what has happened and how to deal with it. Post, Post, Post and come here to rant and rave instead of LBing your H.<P>Time will do a lot to change this situation if you'll just let it and not push for a quick solution like a divorce. Affairs usually don't last so let time take care of some of your work and then you do the rest.<P>We'll be here for you.<P>Buffy<P> <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 14, 2000).]

I don't know if it is over, but I do know that this is not your fault. There are certain expectations that come out of marriage vows. Those are honesty, fidelity, and commitment. It doesn't sound like your H has lived up to any of those. If he has failed you in all three, how can it be your fault?<P>As for what to do, if you want to try to regain your love, I would recommend patience and Plan A. There are going to be a lot of back and forth days and a lot of limbo, but I really do believe in this. Even if it's just to give you peace in walking away, I feel this is the only way to handle it.<P>If you do this, when it comes time to recommit or walk away, you will be able to do it with confidence and peace of mind.

Magoskid:<BR>You are right. The similarities are almost identical. So did you and your H actually divorce or just separate? Do you think that your H acted the way he did because of the affair, or do you think there were problems that led up to that? I really would like to talk to you. Is there anyway that I could contact you other than this forum? I am doubting myself so bad that I think I shouldn't have put his clothes out. Maybe he could have figured it all out in his head in another week or so. Do you really think that he stopped loving me FIRST and that forced him to someone else or these are his responses because he became interested in someone else. Again, I really would love to to hear more about your story since it is so much the same. <P>I am glad that things are turning around for you now. --MK

Buffy:<P>Your advice was truly appreciated. I think the hardest thing that I have been dealing with is trying to understand how the person who loved me so much, took care of me, did everything for me is now talking to me so cruel and telling me he has no feelings for me. It hurts so bad.<P>I keep doubting myself as to whether I shouldn't have thrown his clothes out, then maybe he could have come back to his senses.<P>I have been doing a lot of sole searching and blaming everything entirely on me. His complaints are that I cry too much and that I nag him. He isn't happy and he doesn't like his lifestyle. AND, he is only 27 and he doesn't have any children of his own and he doesn't want his world to evolve around someone else's child. These are ALL things he knew before we married. No shockers at the last minute here. Now he is telling a friend that he should have thought about all this before he married me, but people make mistakes and he is going to fix his. <P>Why did all this happen out of the blue SO FAST? I didn't even know anything was wrong with him?<P>There is no hope. I don't want a divorce, but I asked him if this was it and he said pretty much. I asked him if he could just take time and he said I guess, but that he wasn't going to drag this out. He just wants to get along with his life. <P>I want to call him, but I don't know if I should? --MK