I have read a few of your posts and I as I am somewhat new here, yours (posts) have struck me the deepest. I suppose that because I as the WS am now faced with the very real possibility of losing wife, children etc. and the experiences that you describe hit home. I betrayed my wife once and we thought we were doing better, but the OW crept back into my life and I made that awful decision to see her again. More specifically I planned a get-away weekend with the OW. Of course all of this took place before I even really knew about this site, the book SAA and the "anatomy" of an affair. I thought all was lost when I was discovered again in May.<P>For the last two months I have broken all contact with the OW and have concentrated my efforts toward wife and children as that is where I wish and want to be. We had been counseling and over the last few weeks even seemed to be making great progress, spending time together etc. Suddenly she says it is all done, that she does not have it in her to continue.<P>I know that she is hurting and I know that is my doing, but we had both begun to recognize that there were many issues that we needed to resolve and emotional needs that were not being met. Last week she was holding me in her arms saying how much she missed me...today she says she does not care and wants out.<P>From a previous post of mine some have suggested that she is feeling scared at the possibility of "falling" for me again. If that is the case why does she act as if her decision is final? Is this just a phase that I must be patient with, praying that God will not let her fall too far from his care? I do not want to push her away, but yet I feel helpless sitting here waiting.<P>The emotions and the tears of these last few days have left me drained and I pray for the strength to see this through, but I cannot help but wonder if I am just fooling myself?<P>All I know is that we both have shared wonderful times and love and I do not want to let go of any chance that we may have in rebuilding.<P>Thanks For Listening<P>Todd<P>

Hi Todd...<BR>I am on for just a few minutes and won't be able to log back on until tomorrow morning. I will respond more in detail then. You sound like you are in a "good" place...dedicated and determined. I sense your wife is in a "protect-mode"...and rightfully so. I am going through that now myself. One moment, she is weeping and wanting to hold on...the next, it's like a switch in her that overwhelms her with despair and hopelessness. <BR>Needless to say, there is a spiritual battle taking place as well. I can't proclaim that I am out of the woods yet, but I think consistency is a key issue here...and a whole lot of grace and mercy from above.<BR>Sorry I can't write more now...tomorrow for sure.

NoMas,<BR>Thanks for the words, just returned from a softball game. Found myself sitting on the bench, standing in the field, thinking more about W and praying. Good thing nothing got hit my way tonight eh? Anyways, it was nice to come home and find your response, makes me feel less alone.<P>Todd

Todd: I know this post wasn't for me but I hope you don't mind my responding. My H betrayed me and has continued to lie about contact with OW. While I think he is sincere in his wanting to commit I think he has many issues and has such a lost soul.<P>I want to say this. My H and I haven't been this close in years. Together for 12 married for 4 and 2 year old daughter. He has gotton OW pregnant. Or should I say OW got pregnant. In any event as your W I too feel like I'll fight to the death literally one minute and run like a bat out of hell the next. These last couple days I've wanted to run and fear the next (even minor) move my H makes will deplete my love bank.<P>If you want to keep your W FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. Even if you feel like you are fighting alone. Expose your entire being to her. Give her passwords to everything, call her all day long, tell her you love you all day long, reassure her all day long. Even if she's says it's over, fight. If I said it was over to my H and he continued to fight for me I would see his sincerity. I'm trying to get my H to see this but can't seem to do that. So I'm taking advantage of the fact you are asking. Please. The waterworks have started. Please, continue to fight for your W. Even if she throws you out on your butt. Fight for her. Don't let this love go. You will be sorry. Do whatever is necessary. It will be worth it. Good luck. I will pray for you and your W. God I hope it works out. Take Care. LSM<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited July 18, 2000).]

Hi Todd...<P>I suppose a more suitable greeting last night would have been: "welcome to hell". It is truly an agonizing place.<P>I'm sure that there are a number of women that post here that will be glad to offer their input on your situation as well..giving you the perspective from the betrayed wife view. A lot of that info can be helpful. But remember, no one knows your wife and circumstances better than you do. <P>I was curious...how long have you been married...is this both of your's first marrige...and how are you doing with the 'withdrawal' thing with the OW?<P>Since you mentioned reading some of my posts, then you are somewhat familiar with my own struggles these days. I am finding that this is litterally one hell of a roller coaster ride. Last night, I had a good walk/talk with my wife. I saw what I am noticing lately, what I call "windows of opportunity", where her heart/spirit are open to me....and I make as many deposits of reassurance as I can without overwhelming her. As we finished the walk, I said something that just slammed the window and she was just besides herself with me. <P>I followed her into the bedroom a bit later where she was just trying to keep from exploding, asking her what it was that I said. She answered me...I tried to apologize and thought I would just quietly leave the room and give her space. That bothered her even more. She seemed terrified that anytime she has some emotional outburst, that I will respond by leaving...to 'who knows where'. <P>So I laid down beside her to let her know I was not going anywhere. I also told her that from now on...if she needs her space or wants me to leave the room, then she will have to make that clear to me, otherwise, I am going to just 'be there' regardless of what she is dishing out at me. That seemed to change her whole attitude immediately. I suspect that was just what she needed to here.<P>I suspect, and I think I can get some support here from other BW's, that my wife is needing to see me stay and 'take whatever' she dishes out.<P>I would imagine that your wife is very doubtful of your intensions...and at this point, your words have little value to her. Actions will speak louder than words in the days to come.<P>When she comes across sounding 'so final', as you say, I am sure it is just one of those 'valley' moments on this roller coaster ride of emotions. Ride them through with her. And keep in mind, you will have them as well. Not knowing where your heart is regarding the OW in your life, you will possibly make some progress with your wife, feel good about it, then "BOOM"...your heart will possibly begin thinking of the OW. <P>When you develop feelings for someone to the depth that I did for the person I became involved with, it's not like you can just turn some switch off and not think of her anymore. And herein lies the struggle. <P>Like I said last night, consistency on your part will be so important. <P>I came to the realization that regardless of what path I ended up taking in this course of events, that PAIN awaited me on every turn. I could have left wife and family to be with this person, but knew without a doubt I could have never lived with the guilt and pain that would have come with hurting so many people. That was never an option for us. <P>I could have remained in the 'secret' relationship indefinetely, but would have lived in pain from the limitations on how far the relationship could have gone...mixed in with the guilt of living such a lie.<P>The third path, which we chose, meant cutting off all contact and focusing on our spouses. There is much pain here as well. It is twofold. Half of it comes from not being able to have someone in my life anymore who became quite close. Then, there is the pain of seeing in the eyes of my wife what I have done to her. But I concluded that this was the only path that afforded me the chance to move past the pain that awaited me, and see my marriage restored.<P>I have come to the harsh conclusion that 'pain sucks!' :-)<P>If you have an email address and would like to coorespond in that fashion, and want to post it here, I would be more than happy to stay in touch with you that way as well. <P>I think I would do better communicating with another man than I would a woman like that. That's how I got in so deep to begin with here.<P>Hey...better watch the daydreaming in CF...those fly balls can hurt if you are not looking!<BR>:-)<P><p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited July 19, 2000).]

Dear Looking4Suz:<P>I thought maybe I could help. I think I *understand* what your wife may be going through.<P>I have told my H three times that I am giving up (I am the betrayed spouse--H had 4 mo. affair w/coworker--we have been in recovery for about 8 months). Each time, he has convinced me to keep trying. Each time I have agreed to stay.<P>Personally, I'm NOT afraid of "falling" for my H again--I have never lost my love for him. On the contrary, I have always been completely, totally, and passionately IN-LOVE with him. What I'm afraid of is that he can't be the man that I need him to be. I don't want to waste my life on a man that will only put half his heart into loving me. This is MY FEAR. Maybe for your wife it's something different? Perhaps you can try to ask her what she is AFRAID of?<P>Also, whenever I get to feeling like I can't go on with the marriage any longer, there has always been some sort of TRIGGER. Perhaps the two of you can try to determine WHAT happened (triggered) her change of attitude? For me, it's been SILLY (even STUPID) things......remember, we (the betrayed spouse) are just as confused as the WS)....here is an example of what almost caused me to WALK AWAY:<P>H and I had a "date night" last Saturday. We went to see the movie THE PATRIOT with Mel Gibson. There was something about the intensity of his character that struck a chord in me. He was so passionate...so self-less, so caring. It was as if he put everyone else's needs above his own....as if he would do ANYTHING for his family. To me, this is what true love is all about--being self-less, doing for others, putting yourself second. It's how I've tried to LIVE MY LIFE--always putting my H and children first before I ever considered doing for ME. ---And, while watching that movie my heart broke......I became very, very frightened that I was trying to repair a marriage that would never "chalk up" to what I dreamed of. I wanted a man to PROTECT me from this sometimes cruel and selfish world. I wasn't sure I chose the right man .<P>Well, WHAM....that movie was all it took to de-rail our progress. To cause me to SLIP. Luckily, by talking, H & I were able to **see** what caused my sudden change in attitude. He reassured me that he would be there for me. Told me that he was working on being the man I needed. Told me that he understood he had been selfish. Told me that he was so, so sorry (for the umpteenth time). Told me that he understood what my most important EN were and that he wanted the chance to meet them. <P>And, then he challenged me. Could I point out, within the last six months, ONE TIME that he had failed me? I couldn't. He has been THE BEST. Was I willing to continue Harley's PLAN FOR MARITAL RECOVERY (ie: both of us meeting each other's needs) for another six months? YES, I COULD DO THAT. Was I willing to allow him to prove to me that he could be the man that I needed him to be? YES. I AGREED TO TRY.<P>I guess my point is that you both need to recognize what it is that causes her hesitancy. For me, it's the knowlege that my H has been one way for over 17 years...and, I'm having a hard time believing that his changes are *real* or permanent. But, I've also realized that I can't run away....I NEED TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE if I want my marriage. And, for now, I want my marriage.<P>Please remember that every situation is different. I understand, NOW, what I was doing wrong in my marriage. I KNOW/understand that I am not without faults--and I'm not insinuating that I didn't contribute to the downfall of our marriage. I am now working on meeting needs that I wasn't meeting for my H (WE HAVE VERY CLEARLY DEFINED THESE FOR EACH OTHER). <P>Peace to you and your wife, ~Marie

Oh...one other thing Todd....<P>My book reccomendation of the week that has been very helpful for me...<P>"The Myth of the Greener Grass" by J. Allan Peterson. It ends with some very helpful chapters on the rebuilding process.<P>A few months ago, someone made mention to me of the popular phrase about the 'grass being greener on the other side of the fence..." In reality, the grass is greener...wherever it is watered!