Was listening to Dr. Laura today and a woman called in saying she had cheated on her husband and wanted to know if she should tell him. The w couldn't explain why she had the affair, and Dr Laura told her she needed to find out why she did and then she could make the decision whether or not to tell.<P>Dr Laura also said in the cases of the wife having the affair, there is a higher percentage of divorces than if it is the man who cheats.<P>I guess it has to deal with the way were wired. Woman are more relationship builders than men so they usually want to work on it more than a man. <P>Kinda coinsiding with that is that I've heard a couple times is that when the wife decides to leave, then they almost never come back.

RWD:<P>It's true. Read the article that Harley wrote on "Why Women Leave Men".

I think you can also take a look around here. Not many, male betrayed success stories. There are a few though.

Ain't it the truth.<P>--Wex

Thanks for the negative waves!<BR>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

That wasn't a wave, that was a flush.

RWD<P>In "Private Lies" Frank Pittman notes that despite popular opinion that there is less chance of reconciliation when the betrayer is female in his experience this wasn't found to be the case. He found the chances of reconciliation to be even for Male or Female.<P>I for one hope he is right.<P>With respect to success stories on this forum I would imagine that once couples are focused on the process of rebuilding you would not hear from them much. <P>Can't imagine it being accepted that you would spend time on the internet during this period???? I could just picture my Ws reaction if I said Hang five I just need to go and post where we are at on MB.<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough

Betrayed males are not doomed my friends. I am a betrayed male, and I am happy to say that my W and I are still together and making tremendous progress.<P>I guess that makes me a statistic doesn't it <P>God Bless

Okay, so it's even more of a challenge. <P>What guy among us ever plays with the odds in your favor? It's much more fun to be on the longshot!<P>(Not that this is a lot of fun!!!)<P>--keystone

It seems odd doesn't it? Women are stereotyped as being the ones that always change their minds. But when it comes to relationship on or off, once it is set it rarely changes. How many of us got the "it's too late" routine. It can only be a challenge if there is something there to work with.<P><P>------------------<BR>7Habits (Dane)<BR>"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Einstein.<P>

Sux to be us?!?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

OH BOY, More good news...... I'm still going for it though, I don't give in that easy.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Hi Guys,<BR> Well I feel the "reasons" are different than you think.<BR> I think we need to factor in "Battered Wives" for one. If a "Truly" battered W finally breaks free she's NEVER coming back!!<BR> Also, take into consideration two more points:<BR> 1) We are not the "average" guys here!! How many have sought the help and knowledge WE have??? I think the ONLY way SOME guys would get "relationship information" is if they had it as a feature on "Monday Night Football!!!" <BR>2) I also think it is MUCH MUCH harder for the average man to EVER except the very CONCEPT of taking a W back that has betrayed. <P> My friends keep telling me to forget W and get out my fishing rod and start fishing (plenty of fish....) <P> We used to have this imaginary "PIT" that we would "KICK" women into for certain things (before marrying the WRONG woman)<BR> Examples:<P>Caught in too many lies.....PIT<BR>To selfish about their needs over yours...PIT<BR>To materialistic......PIT<BR>To controlling......PIT<P>BUT THE NUMBER ONE AND EASIEST WAY TO THE PIT????<BR>CHEATING, CHEATING, CHEATING!!!!! <BR>AUTOMATIC, NO QUESTIONS ASKED TRIP TO THE PIT!!!<BR> Now consider that the "Pit" was invented during one of those "all night" early twenty's drinking with the guys binges AND<BR> The "PIT" was "PRIOR" to marriage. But, that is a mentality of he average male.<BR> I was mine BEFORE I understood WHAT I DID and WHY Infidelity happens thanks to this GREAT site.<P> It may not be because the female betrayer DOSEN'T or DIDN'T WANT TO COME BACK.<BR> These stats may be based on ALL and MOST don't have men who try and LOVE them back.<BR> Think of the "Lovebusters" we have done BEFORE we got here!!<P> <BR> On discovery, my W and I TRIED to get past it BUT it was ME that told her I wasn't sure I could live with it. I kept bringing it up and STILL wasn't meeting her needs. TWICE a WEEK before she "left" my W BEGGED ME that we needed to do ANYTHING to try and make it work. My anger was too great and I told her we needed to seperate. <P> So, she kept seeing OM. When I found out... I YELLED and screamed and THROUGH my W out and CHANGED THE LOCKS in a HOUR!! When she came back she was crying and telling me that she was sorry and I just told her to GET OUT and NEVER come back!!!<P> So, do you think I'm not sorry I didn't find this site sooner?? Can I blame her for "Being afraid we can't make it?" OH MAN!! That's the first time I remembered that in a while!!<P> No WONDER she keeps telling me she's scared to try and keeps waffling!! <BR> Anyway, get my point? Picture a guy who does what I did and NEVER finds this site!!!!!! <BR> I was such a jerk. I deserve this. FRANK<P><P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Don't let statistics get everyone down.<BR>I am another betrayed male, and my W and I are doing better than ever.<P>Don't believe in statistics, believe in yourself.

This may be true in most cases but not in all. I am the betrayed. She has not left because of two primary things: her need not to be an unbeliever and fear of not getting custody of our boys. She won't admit it now but she still cares very deeply for me.<P>I did not meet her needs and got blamed for exhibiting behavior she detests in her family.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Gentlemen,<P>I see the point about betrayed men who have restored their marriages no longer posting. I confess I wouldn't hang around here either if that were the case. but, i have followed many stories of the betrayed guys around here since I came to this site. I even researched the archives of this site for success stories. <P>Maybe it's just me. But, it seems that betrayed females have been far more successful in restoring their marriages than betrayed men. I see the stories of the betraying females here, and most have a very hard time ever finding love again for their husbands. <P>I don't mean to sound depressing and I'm not going to give up; I'm just looking at the facts. <P>I think about all I do for my wife now, the unconditional love I pour on her in so many ways. I have exceeded by 100 fold what I did to win her heart initially over 20 years ago, and yet here I am in week 52 of my hell hole and I can't knock the wall down she has built around her heart from me. I feel it is a secret battle of wills - hers against mine. I do count my blessing though. I sleep next to her every night. I get hugs if I ask for them. She goes out on dates with me. She just doesn't have any desire for me. No desire to share her inner most thoughts. No desire to touch me. No desire to hug me. No desire to say she loves me. This is what I battle each and every day. <P>Whoa, I guess I had to get that off my chest.<P>SHA

Whoa fellas.<P>Im a guy. I've been through most of what you have and then some. Anybody else been to jail? Anyway, Im back home (after a three month separation) and I consider our marriage a success. <P>Im sure that our reunion was based on my pulling up my own emotional bootstraps. Once that happened, my W could see (again) what a great guy she was about to lose. <P>Either way I was gonna make it. If we didn't get back together I was going to be ok. If we did..all the better.<P>Thats why the Harley principles work (especially plan B).<p>[This message has been edited by optimist (edited December 08, 1999).]

I don't know about you fellas, but the hardest thing for me when deciding whether I wanted to take back my betraying wife was the unspoken pressure I seemed to feel from everybody (whether they knew about her affair or not) that I was somehow "less of a man" because I didn't kick her out and go find somebody else.<P>I don't know why that pressure seemed to be there. No one ever told me to dump her. No one ever suggested that I was somehow a "wimp" for wanting to take back a wife who would betray me like that.<P>However, I think the early posters on this thread hit the nail on the head: There is some force out there that seems to drive men away from their cheating spouses. It is a mindset that we need to break from.<P>Add me to the list of "successful" betrayed men. W's affair was nine months ago, and we're better than ever now. <P>What men have to understand is that they are not lesser men because they have tolerated an unfaithful wife. They are <B>greater</B> men because they have found it in their hearts to forgive and to work hard to rebuild. <P>Any coward can walk away from an unhappy marriage without trying; but it takes a strong, committed man to seek to understand <I>why</I> the affair happened, to <I>forgive</I> the betraying wife, and to work hard, even when he doesn't think he can, to rebuild a happier life.<P>Heck, I'm not a strong person, and if I can do it, anyone can do it.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited December 08, 1999).]

Hey guys:<P>I didn't mean to be a downer here. Statistically speaking, it is tougher to fix the marriage if the wife cheats (and leaves). <P>Not impossible, just tougher. <P>Part of the beauty of the MarriageBuilders methodology is that going through this gives your marriage the best chance to survive. But should your marriage fail, YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL. You will be much better prepared for the next relationship. You're less likely to go down the path of divorce again.<P>There are successes---one of the earliest ones I remember was "James". He hasn't posted here in over a year. Count me in too.

I may be the eternal optimist but maybe this could be considered also for the lack of male successes in this forum.<P>Not many males are open about there private lives. How many of you guys would sit and discuss all these issues if your wifes infidelities with your friends over a drink at the bar I KNOW I WOULDN'T.<P>Women are definately the communicators in this world (read men are from Mars and Women are from Venus).<P>My point is that most men once succcesfull restoring their relationship go back in to their caves and try to forget that it all happened. THEY CERTAINLY DON'T GO BACK ON THE INTERNET AND YELL IT OUT LOUD.<P>They are more concerned with who they told their problems to in the first place and how they can water it back down now that it is all over.<P>The point is that men tend to look upon the whole issue as a failing on their part and would rather forget about it. <P>Anyone share this point of view?<P>regards<BR>Fairenough.