All my friends and family members are telling me to move on with my life. Forget about H. He is not worth it. I deserve better. He doesn't love you the way he should if he cheated on you or was even interested in OW. Why is that I can't stop loving him. All I think about is all the good times and the way he treated me when he did love me. Did his love just disappear because of OW. I know in my heart that I would take him back. Is this demeaning to myself? What is wrong with me. Why would I want this man back. Why am I just waiting for him to have a brick hit him on the head and have him back to the "old" way he used to be?<P>Should I just move on? This is new to me. I don't know for sure he has actually cheated, but he had the intentions being that I found a condom in his bag. He is telling me that "NOPE" he doesn't want to make it work and he is being so mean.<P>What do I do? I put his clothes outside and he has moved out. Do I just need to leave him alone?<P>HELP!

Mary Kay - my husband did actually cheat on me. Met someone online, met her twice in another city, fell in love..etc...etc.. <BR>Do I still love him? Oh yes - to my very core. He cannot say the same thing to me though which hurts and tears me up inside. But, we are now working together to reconnect and find what was missing and fulfill each others needs. It's a journey with many ups and downs. I'm lucky - my husband has chosen to stay and work on things even though he is still very torn up inside himself. He still has strong feelings for the OW, but hasn't had contact with her in almost two months. We have a young family and he recognizes his obligation to all of us. <BR>Yes, my husband lied and cheated and hurt me in the worst way possible but I still love him and I tell him everyday.

Mary Kay, Hon, this is a very long bumby road you're traveling ... we are all on it just at different avenues or stages.<P>To continue to love your H and be forgiving of him is not demeaning to you whatsoever, on the contrary, it's strength and courageous to walk a road less traveled. You have lots of work to do, but first you have to decide what you want. This is your decision, no one else's, so taking advice from wellmeaning friends and family should be filtered by you remembering first and foremost "what do YOU want".<P>For now, leave him to himself and his confusion in the FOG, he won't be able to give you answers, he has none, and even if he does he may change them if asked again in an hour. His anger with you is a byproduct of his guilt, even tho it really hurts, it doesn't have that much to do with you, it has to do with him. He's likely to blame, be mean, say hurtful and untrue things, bring up the past in a distorted way and pull incidents that happened YEARS ago out and twist them to suit his need right now. <P>When my H went thru the stage your H is at, my favortite and pat response that helped me not to LB was one of the three if not all at once:<P>"I see ... I understand .... Okay"<P>Believe me, during that time I didn't "see" or "understand" and it WASN'T "okay" but it got me thru it and after a while I really did start to SEE and UNDERSTAND.<P>I'm so sorry you're going thru this, you don't deseve it. Myself and many on this board have been there and some of us more than once unfortunetly. So come here and vent, cry get help and support. We're here for you.<P>Perhaps NSR (Jim) will send you his "Welcome" post that will point you to Links and Tools to help you get started.<P>Be well Mary Kay and God Bless. I'll be looking for your posts.<P>Best,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 21, 2000).]

Several people have told me that I should make my H leave to give him a wake up call, give him an ultimatum. I can not do it. I love him, through this I have found out what unconditional love means. He had a brief EA and I believe it was going to far and he did not want that. He got real black right before I pushed for answers and he confessed too easily. I believe he was asking for help but did not know how. His actions are so completely against his beliefs and I think that is making it worse for him. I believe in our marriage and I am going to wait this game out. I am trying to make sure he knows that I love him and will be here for him with out pushing to far. I have set him free and am not confronting him on anything (his wherabouts, the time he comes home, and I am not reacting to his anger)right now. He tells me his plans on his own without me asking. He will answer questions about what he did, who went etc. willingly.<BR>I have turn this whole matter over to God and He has given me strength to stay in this game.

Several people have told me that I should make my H leave to give him a wake up call, give him an ultimatum. I can not do it. I love him, through this I have found out what unconditional love means. He had a brief EA and I believe it was going to far and he did not want that. He got real black right before I pushed for answers and he confessed too easily. I believe he was asking for help but did not know how. His actions are so completely against his beliefs and I think that is making it worse for him. I believe in our marriage and I am going to wait this game out. I am trying to make sure he knows that I love him and will be here for him with out pushing to far. I have set him free and am not confronting him on anything (his wherabouts, the time he comes home, and I am not reacting to his anger)right now. He tells me his plans on his own without me asking. He will answer questions about what he did, who went etc. willingly.<BR>I have turn this whole matter over to God and He has given me strength to stay in this game.

Jo:<BR>Thanks for your advice. I believe you are right that his head is messed up right now. But...<P>About 3 years ago when we were dating he did this same thing. I don't believe he cheated but I believe he just wanted to be free. He left me for 6 weeks. He also said then he didn't know if he could deal with being a father figure to my daughter. I have a 9 year old daughter.<P>Now he has told one of our mutual friends that he is feeling the same way he did before and that he should about these things before he married me last 11-6-99, but he said people make mistakes and he is trying to fix his.<P>I truly think he is running as fast as he can. Is this normal or do you still think some guilt is playing a role in this?<P>I am just trying to make sense of it all and it is so hard.<P>Thanks! --MK

Hi Mary Kay,<P>First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this. No one should ever feel this kind of devastation, pain, and trauma. But, we all are, betrayers, too. <P>Unless, the people you talk to have experienced this themselves, it is easy to say "just leave." But, it's not "easy" and unless you are in physical danger, leaving may not necessarily be the right thing to do. Should we fight for the people we love, the relationship we want, I know I will. We are still loving partners even if it is not reciprocated the way we want, but we go on loving. <P>Just 3 months ago, I was where you are now, in fact he moved out by himself (not with other woman). I hadn't heard from him in 1-1/2 months, but one day he wanted to talk, then we worked on being comfortable with each other again, then he began missing me and we started doing things together, and more talking about feelings, hurt, etc. It's not an easy road, but it's something. His contacting me to talk was a MIRACLE in my eyes, his kissing me to greet me each time and expressing his regrets is a TREASURE, but each day that he wants to see me to do things or to just talk is a GIFT! I thank the heavens, the universe, GOD each day for it. <P>I'm so thankful for finding this site, I come here to vent, I come here to read the circumstances of other people and know that I am not alone. I come here to learn and allow others to teach and support me. Sometimes, you will not like what you hear, but be open to everything so that you can open your eyes and heart to the whole picture.<P>I have read the materials others here have recommended and you take what you can accept from it. You read it again, and you find that you can accept and learn even more. <P>I know it seems hopeless at this time, but hang in there. When I read other people's post and recovery stories, I had little hope of being where they are, but here I am. My heart goes out to you at this time, it's probably the most difficult and seemingly impossible of this ordeal. You will get stronger, I didn't believe I would, but I did and you will, too.<P>Hugs and blessings to you! sdn

I Believe:<BR>I give you credit. I lived that life for 2 weeks - letting my H come and go as pleased. But, he wasn't talking to me. He played the ignore game for a couple of days and then I would try and make him talk but that kept pushing him further. I felt like I had no other way but to ask him to leave - especially when he changed his pager and didn't give me the number but gave it to her and she was paging him 2 different mornings. He even went to a wedding without me that we were both invited to. He said that he would have a better time w/o me. He really got mean.<P>Do you think it was because his feelings were changing over a couple of months like he said or because he was guilty? He told me his feelings were changing over the last months and when I asked why he didn't notice it he said because he was trying. But we had our house for sale and had a deposit on a lot.<P>I am so confused.<P>Thanks for responding. --MK

sdn:<BR>Thanks for responding. I truly appreciate anybody who is trying to help me in this time of my devastation. I am sorry too that you are going through this. It is very unfair for us.<P>Do you think I was wrong for putting his clothes out? I am hitting myself very hard with blame. It overwhelms me sometimes to the point I can't stand it. I truly think he would have left by himself though.<P>I am glad that things are working and heading down a better road for you and your H. It just seems that mine is so far gone. Did it seem that way to you too?<P>Thanks, -- MK

I think it is probably a little bit of both, Mary Kay. I think that the changing feelings makes him distant and so does the guilt. The WSs seem to walk themselves right into the FOG and then everything changes for them. My H quit seeing reality. He has created his own and it is very real to him. In his "reality", I didn't love him, I was wanting out of the marriage, I couldn't be happy. Yes, we were having problems and I do wonder if I will ever be completely happy without children, but I did love him, I never wanted a divorce, and I know realistically, happiness is my choice. He is projecting all of his feelings onto me. Yes, he has been very mean, said cruel things, made me want to jump off a cliff. He still does a lot of times. We are only 2 1/2 months into recovery and I think we are a long way from him coming out of the fog.<P>No, you are not crazy for loving him and wanting to make your marriage work. I know it is difficult to tune out what your friends are saying. I have many friends who tell me I should just leave and find a man who won't cheat on me. That is a lot easier said than done. I mean, I thought my H was a man who wouldn't cheat on me. So, for me, I would rather work on helping my H to be a man who won't cheat on me again. I hope one day my H will want to be that man.<P>Good luck to you. I am sorry that you find yourself here. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Mary Kay, I don’t write much or don’t know how to express my feeling clearly sometimes. I think that is one of the qualities my W felt I didn’t have. But here is my two cents: Two friends and two family members are telling me to move on with my life. I deserve better than this. They told me if my W could do this to me, I shouldn’t even consider getting back to her. They knew for a long time how my W badly treated me. She always wanted to be dominated in anyway she could. I’ve married my wife for 14 years and dated her for 5 years before we got marry. I love my wife very much and still feel the same way about her as I did when we were in love. My W cheated on me, continue to lie to me again and again, blamed her anger on me. Every time I mentioned about OM and her, she went to the roof. She got so angry that she threatened to leave and took the kids away from me and never let me see them again (I didn’t know what she was thinking at that time). I’m fighting two battles here. One is to get my wife back. The other is not to believe in my culture. In my culture, if a wife did this to a husband there is no return for her what so ever, the husband would not accept her back. For me, my wife made a terrible mistake, she will come out of it and I forgive her to what she has done. If she desires I would accept her with my open heart. Despite all this, she still demanded I did this and did that whether I like it or not. From the past 14 years, I’ve done everything to help around the house. I cooked, cleaned, and helped the kids with their homework if it is too difficult for my wife to help them. I did all the work out side the house. Financially, I cover 70% to 80% of all expenses. I listened to her patiently and rarely got into an argument with her. I still don’t know exactly what went wrong. What drove her to have an affair? When I asked her, she said it just happened. She did not look for one. I wanted to believe her sometimes, but it is hard to accept that. However, I want to forgive her and start a new life together. I still love her, want to be with her, grow old together (I’m 40, she’s 43), want to spend the rest of my life with her. I still want to have a family together, a father and a mother as a lovely husband and wife, and the kids. I still hope and dream someday my wife will return and be my wife again.<P>Hang in there, Mary Kay. My heart and my though are with you.<P>It is an up and down, isn’t it. Sometimes, I feel like I want to leave this mess and never look back. But I still care for my wife and my kids and I love them dearly. I know my hurt and my pain are still in me. It is getting worse when my wife goes see him or calls him. I wish I could stop the time and roll it back and fix everything before it starts. But time never waits for anybody. Think before you do anything that you might regret later in life. Think about what “Resilient” said know “what do you want”.<P>I’m sorry I might vent my own problem here too.<P>OOOO<BR>

Hi again Mary Kay,<P>I did the same thing. I would not allow myself to be disrespected in our home. He was coming and going, not saying anything to me, and when he did they were mean things. He was very cold and aloof sometimes, and kind and caring other times. He was already confused, felt guilt, the whole gamit. But, it was hurting me and I couldn't stand being treated that way. I was in disbelief that this was happening to us. He is a kind, gentle, compassionate man. What happened to us!<P>I told him if he was going to stay he had to work on us, but if he couldn't or didn't know then he had to leave. He didn't know what he wanted, so I asked him to leave and I gave him a week. He asked for another week to find something better, well, I was not in a frame of mind to be accomodating at the time. I told him, I didn't want him to be homeless, but whatever he found will have to do, so the answer was no. He packed things, and intended to leave a few things behind to pick up the next day. That night he packed up his things and left, but he went to see the OW (she lives in the same condo complex) on his way out. I was devastated again!!! That night, I packed whatever things he had remaining and put them out. When he came back the next day his stuff was ready for him and I took his keys away from him. He didn't complain about that because he said he hurt me enough and didn't to cause me anymore pain. There were no hysterics, screaming, or yelling. I told him I loved him, hugged him, kissed him good-bye, and sent him on his way. <BR>Boy, that was hard! The days following were devastating!<P>I was doubting myself, too, but you know what he said although it hurt him, he knew he deserved it. It also made realize what a jerk he was being. Had I continued to be a door mat, I would've gone insane. I deserved better than that, I deserve the man I married.<P>It appeared at the time that he was gone from my life, but something in my heart told me it wasn't over. He is a very sensitive person and I knew the person doing this was going through something deep and confusing, something beyond our comprehension. But at the time, yes, I thought it was over. It is by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.<P>Never in a million years did I think he would do this. I chose him because I believed he was not the kind of person who would betray me. I always thought that no matter what our challenges would be, we could and would work them out. He feels terrible now for how he handled things.<P>Don't love bust! Don't love bust! Don't love bust! That's all I can say, at least it worked for me. I wanted him to see the person he fell in love with everytime we talked or met. He is now saying that he never fully appreciated how hard I worked at our relationship (past, present, and future). He is learning, he say he cries at night at the mess he made of things, etc. This is all I can ask for and continue to pray and hope that we will be alright.<P>You know him best and what will work for you both and only you know what you can handle. Everyone is different. But, you'll do what's right for you and your daughter. How is she taking all of this? It must be difficult for her as well!!! There's a lot to be repaired in your home, be sure that you are both willling to do that.<P>More hugs and blessings! sdn<P>