My husband had an affair.<P>Those words looks so powerless when you see them written down. It is hard to believe the total devastation they actually bring.<P>In the first second of discovery, the whole world quakes, then falls out from under you. You're immobilized by the shock, then you desperately begin to struggle to hold on to your marriage, your family, even your sanity.<P>You swallow your pride, your hurt, and your disbelief in an attempt to hold on. And if you are one of the "lucky ones", your husband apologizes, tells you he wants to stay married, ends the emotional and/or physical affair, regrets that it ever happened. Then expects you to act like it never did.<P>And so life continues. But everything feels different. And you are the one who has to adjust to a new kind of life and a new kind of marriage.<P>A marriage where the absolute trust has been destroyed forever, and the belief that you were the most special person on earth is shattered, and the faith that your love was constant and blessed is completely broken.<P>But somehow you do survive, and you do start to adjust. There are always ups and downs, but the ups start to feel more secure, and the downs aren't as bad as they used to be.<P>And one day you realize that through it all, your love has survived. And that when he is thirty minutes late, your first thought is that he was held up at work, not that he is cheating again. And when he looks at you with tears in his eyes and tells you that he knows you would never hurt him the way he has hurt you, you know that he means it.<P>Then you can look back, and see how far you have come from that first devastating day. You are finally getting better, and it feels so good to finally feel better.<P>The recovery that will last the rest of your life has begun. It will not always be easy, but it has to be better than those dark days you have survived. And you realize that you are so much stronger than you ever knew, and you believe that nothing could ever hurt you as much.<P>So you face your future day-by-day. Praying all along the way and reaching for that not-so-distant prize. The return of your life, complete with love and happiness.<P>It's almost within reach. <p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited July 25, 2000).]

I'm not there yet. But as of this past Sunday and Monday, I can almost feel it happening. We even are laughing and joking like old times. <BR>Still not 100% sure where this is going, but FEELS so much better than where we were even last week. Progress? who knows, Acceptance? maybe.<BR>Just the knowledge that I will be OK no matter what is in the NEXT CHAPTER of our BOOK.

Thank you peppermint. I think that I am to the part where the ups and downs are getting better--except I am not one of the lucky ones whose H tells me he wants to stay married and put everything behind us. I do hope to get back to the feeling that everytime he is late from work it is not because he is chatting with her on the internet from the office. I do very much hope the trust comes back, but I don't know if the trust can come back while he still wants a divorce. I think it would be a lot easier to trust someone who loves you, begs for your forgiveness, and promises never to hurt you again than someone who just wants the marriage over.

Peppermint,<P>Well said! My life is back, and better than ever.<P>Rebuilding on a new set of rules is not easy, but we have come through the painful tearing down of the old habits and have begun to taste the wonderful benefits of having built it right this time.<P>I know there are many of us on these boards that are rebuilding our lives and marriages based on Harley's rules. And yet, I find that even in the Recovery section the threads mostly don't address the struggles we all face in working to implement those rules. I find many more about how hard it is to forgive. That's why I hang out here.<P>How about we start posting more about this? I think if an outsider read these boards, he/she would get the impression that once the WS comes home and ends the EA, the story is over (except for forgiveness issues).<P>It is just beginning! And the hard work as a couple comes before the sweetness...

Hi Peppermint,<P>What a perfect way to describe recovery peppermint. It is good to see such a interesting out look on such a horrid situation.<P>I told my husband that I was having a hard time understand why.. I seem to be recovering better than him. He said these words to me.<P>"Imagine your child being killed by a drunk driver"<P>He is horribly, horribly hurt.. and it has been 6 months since d-day.. 4 into recovery.<P>Recovery comes in different stages for betrayed than the betrayer. I wonder if the betrayer doesn't seem to recover sooner? <P>The hope that I have is that He truely does love me. But, I wonder, how long will that love last with no trust, not much repect, and Harley's prinicpals in use, but almost to not much avail.<P>I can honestly say, we are better today than yesterday, or the yesterday before.. but I look ahead and see such large mountains i wonder if we can do it?! <P>(With God, all things are possible)<P>mercy

Peppermint -<BR>Thanks for your comments. I think they are right on. Every day I can feel the trust building between us, as well as the love. It's a tough, tough road, but the prize is so much better than what we had before. <P>Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can begin to rebuild. That's what happened to us. But, it presents us with a new opportunity to build something incredible.<P>Now I look for opportunities to build our relationship. I keep my eyes open to how we treat each other. I will never be complacent again. I will never be as selfish and self centered again. What makes me the happiest is to see my husband happy and content in our marriage. It's like Lostva says - it's a Plan A for life.

Thank you so much Peppermint-for starting such a wonderful thread. I ahve felt so very much, if not all, of what you say yet I can't seem to put it all together and make sense the way you do <P>My H also had an affair. The things you write are a repeat of what happened in my life June 1, 1999. I went numb for such a long time. My feelings alternated between shoc, anger, embarrassment and over whelming emptiness.<P>I would have run to a friend I once had, but she was the one my H had the affair with. That hurt almost more than the affair itself. And the fact that the affair was off and on for almost 2 years before my H told me it even existed. I needed so badly to have someone to turn to. Someone to guide me step by step to at least help me find myself again. I had no one. And I was too embarrassed to tell anyone.<P>I came to a point where all I wanted was to die. I would not consider suicide. I had a brother that killed himslef at age 23 over a woman and I would never be so stupid. His birthday jsut happened to be June 1 Bot oh how I prayed to God to take me away from all my pain. I loved my H and I loved my kids but my hurt seemed to be so huge I didn't think I would ever even crack a smile again.<P>But time does heal Thank you God-it did work for me.<P>I have come so very far. I do still hurt. I feel as though my super special H who I trusted so much failed me. I was always happy and I thought he was too. He tells me it wasn't me it was him that screwed up. He doesn't really know why. He does say he was very stupid and he says every day to me how sorry he is. He has tried to hard to make it up to me.<P>I am not yet to the forgiving stage. I am trying very hard. But something holds me back from forgiving either of them. I feel very foolish for not seeing what was happening during their 2 years of the affair. I am not by any means a dumb person but I was evidently very blind. That hurts me and I want to make sure I protect myself from ever allowing that deep of pain to get its clutches on me.<P>I do not hate the OW. It would be silly of me to think I should-for I feel if I can accept my H's apologies then I must also be willing to accept hers.<P>I know with all my heart that there are four people out there that wish this had never happened. While I can't understand why the two of them would ever consider ruining a good friendship it has happened and it is time for me to get on with my life.<P>I am 14 months into this. H and I are doing great and much good has come out of this. He spends time with us like he never did before. We talk about anything we need to talk about-there is no anger. We never did fight or argue much so that wasn't ever a problem.<P>For those of you who feel so far from healing do look inside yourself and begin within to make YOU happy. It is impossible to make someone else happy if you aren't happy. Another thing-please take the time to tell your spouse how special he/she is. Tell him/her how good they look or how well they did something to make you feel good. I think that is the one thing every marriage here at MB has lacked. The good old loving words from the one person they love most.<P>I wish you all the best.<P>Again-thanks to you peppermint. This was a very special post <P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

<B>How it feels to be betrayed</B><P>I compare it to my wife slitting my throat, sticking me in the gut with a butcher knife & twisting, kicking me down the stairs & having a good, evil laugh as I bounced down, then having her come down & kick me in the nads.<P>Wish it had felt that good!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

OK...I can't speak of the "nads", but the rest is sounds about right <P>I remember lying in bed in the morning, knowing I had to get out of it. I was surprised that my feet could actually move in front of each other and my voice could speak and sound normal. The next morning I would be surprised again.<P>I honestly thought I was going insane until I read the chapter in After the Affair book.<P>Just last month I broke down and sobbed that the colors aren't pretty anymore. I know my H thought THAT was way off the wall. But I also know that many of you would understand that completely.<P>Yet life goes on. You grow, you learn. <P>I'm at the 18 month mark. I am hoping that the two year time span is accurate.<P>I am proud of my strength and growth. I don't know if I will ever be able to say it was worth it.

Hi everyone,<P>Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for the supportive comments. I can relate to them all, well except for some of Chris's!<P>FHL, I recently told my husband that the whole world looked different, like I was seeing it through a cloud, so I know what you mean about the colors. Everything has lost its vibrance.<P>Heartache, our stories are so very similar. Remember that you have NOTHING to be ashamed of, because you were the loyal and faithful partner. Be proud of that.<P>Mercy, it's good to hear from you. Just try to be patient and give it time and love. I'll be watching for your progress.<P>Everyone, thanks again for responding. When this first happened, I felt like I was all alone in the world and that nobody could possibly know how bad this was. Now I know that you all do.<P>Peppermint

Sometimes I--no, every night--I wake up at 2 am and think "This is just a dream and I'm going to wake up from it. It didn't happen."<P>I am praying for the night that I don't wake up at 2 am and lay there awake in the dark, wanting to go back to sleep and forget. Hopefully that night will come soon.

my husband said this:<P>" think of it this way" he says, "imagine your child getting killed by a drunk driver"<P>this is his pain.<P>HOw do you live with yourself causing this much pain.<P>the colors?<P>I think grey is ugly. <P>my husband lost all pizaz. Heis almost an empty shell of a man once was.<P>Are we doing okY?<BR>somedays yes.. somedays NO.<P>seeing all of you at the 1 yr or more mark with still such work ahead of you makes me feel like life is never going to be better. (we are only at the 4 month mark)<P>** what the heck was i thinking**<P>mercy

What does it feel like to be the betrayer?<P>I cannot begin to put into words exactly how I feel. I have learned over the past year what true guilt is. My wife was the loyal one in our marriage and I was the one that let our happiness, love, hope, dreams, and future down. I have had days when everything seemed ok, and days I felt like I couldn't go on. I know I cannot truely feel the pain that my W has felt becasue of my actions, but as a result of those actions, I feel the sadness everytime I look at her. I feel like I donot deserve such a wonderful and caring woman. I feel like I donot derserve happiness. I have not felt the happiness that used to be in our marriage in a long time. The fact that it is my fault makes it hard to live sometimes.<P>I was sitting at my desk today and looked at the calander and realized, one year ago TODAY, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I had to go and hide to cry so nobody here could see WHAT I AM. If I could take back that day, turn back the clock, relive my life, I would never, ever make that mistake again. And, I certainly would never hurt Peppermint like I did. I am sitting here now, my eyes full of tears, and I know that I love her more than anything IN THE WORLD.<P>I am truely Sorry, but being sorry doesn't change what I have done.<p>[This message has been edited by firestorm (edited July 27, 2000).]

DEAR PEPPERMINT:<BR>All I can say is THANK YOU. It has been 3.5 years for me and it unfortunatelly the affair had repercutions...<BR>I have been trying to express myself for all those years to my husband and I have NEVER been able to say it the way you did it here. I actually e-mailed my Husbadn your letter.<BR>Thank you,<BR>fambis<BR>

It has taken me a few days to have the heart to reply to this post after reading my husband's comments, but I decided it only seems right to acknowledge them and it might help someone else in this same situation.<P>My husband is probably "typical" among betrayers in that he doesn't want to talk about the affair but just wants to put it in the past and move on. He also thinks that if he mentions anything about it, it will remind me of it. He honestly doesn't realize that it is NEVER far from my mind.<P>I often feel the same things that others here have mentioned, that he seems to have forgotten about it, that it doesn't seem like he has suffered any consequences from his bad choices, etc.<P>When I first read his response, I got very upset because I felt that he should have SAID those things to me, not simply written them on this board for me to find. That was wrong and selfish of me. Now I realize that it WAS his way of saying them to me, when he has so much guilt that he doesn't want to face me with it.<P>So this post is to thank everyone who responded to this thread. And especially my beloved husband, firestorm. No one else who visits here knows how hard it was for him to write those words about what he has done. It is a major step for him, and I hope for us as we face this together and try to rebuild our marriage.<P>Peppermint

Peppermint-<P>I am back. Not much on TV tonight so I came here to catch up a bit and saw your last post and firestorms post. All I can say is WOW.<P>I have goosebumps on my arms and it isn't cold here at all Our stories have even more similarities. Your H sounds so very much like mine. And it helped me a geat deal to read firestorms post and believe even more in my H's apologies.<P>You two will go a long way. And while we won't ever have the explanation for why these guys chose to stray at least we know there will be no need to worry in the future.<P>God bless you botha nd I wish you the very best in your next year <P>HUGS<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

I saw this post and thought how unfortunate it was for me to be able to relate to both sides. It's 1 1/2 months after d-day and I can't get rid of the anger. angry at myself for starting this cycle, angry at my H for not just letting me have only my guilt once not twice over, angry at the OW for just being alive. <P>Peppermint you described the pain so well. I'm teary-eyed right now. But you give me some hope that maybe thigs will work out. I wish that I could run to the farthest reaches of the earth and cry myself out. <P>I know that this will pass and that it's just another ride on that emotional rollercoaster, but I want off! I want to come around that last bend and see that everything is over. Maybe I'll get there eventually.<P>Vee

Peppermint, I was so touched by your post. I am a real newbie here, but not the youngest, by far.<BR>H changed jobs 5 yrs ago and developed a "friendship" with a co manager. I had misgivings a couple years ago... vague uneasiness about a day trip they took~when they returned after midnight. They both had an investment in a business (though H had dropped out then) and she wanted to stop there. <BR>I recently returned his call one day and found that "they" were out for business and lunch. When he called back I asked about this and found out it was she that was the other half of "they". They talked about goals put before them by Corp. This was about 6wks ago. A few days later H stayed after work because she had an appointment with her financial advisor and H didn't want to leave the two of them there alone. I questioned the fact that she arranged the meeting there AT ALL, but he defended her decision saying it was the only time she could meet. She lives alone during the week, apartment, and her H lives at a cabin north of here. <BR>I used to see this person once a month at a craft group(18mo ago). She was always cool to me, and I didn't understand that at all.<BR>After talking to H about the lunch, we have had many discussions. I try not to get upset. He said they have been going to lunch, not real often, for over 18 months. He says it is nothing to worry about, but he admitted he didn't tell me about it because he knew I would be hurt. He has had other business lunches that were groups, and of course that never was a problem. <BR>I asked what they talked about and he said business, her H retirement, and my illness (breast cancer this year and long treatment).<BR>It hurts so much that while I was ill, losing my hair, and so exhausted... that they were continuing to lunch together. I have tried to understand his need to "get away" from the health thing, but I feel betrayed, by the both.<BR>The last talk we had I asked H if he had ever been to her place, fully expecting an empathic NO, but he had. When she had out patient surgery he had flowers ordered from the business, but he went and picked them up and took them to her. This crushed me, he never got me flowers. How can I forget this, right now it seems I won't ever be able to.<BR>H said the lunches are over... he told her it was causing a problem at home. When he told me that, I felt as if I had been hit in the stomach; the reason they don't go to lunch is ME.. not that he decided not to. <BR>He defends her by saying she is a nice person and friendly... that never came across when I was with her. He says the woman in the office that I call friend, is a back stabber. <BR>I cancelled my appointment with a counselor, but am thinking of making it again today. I constantly think about the two of them at work all day, they have private offices and she sometimes stays after hours, as does he (to send FAX and recieve UPS). <BR>I am the only family there is to attend to my father's need in an Alzheimers facility in a neighboring town. My step mother died in Dec and he could not live at his home anymore and since has declined rapidly.<BR>I have read plan A as recommended and am trying to keep it in mind all the time. I tend to cling and feel as other have said, like I am acting a role.<BR>I just want things to be the way they were before the last few years. <BR>I am sorry this is so long, but I really get a lot of help reading the other posts and maybe someone can identify with mine.