My H and I have always kept our finances separate with each of us in charge of different expenses - we make about the same. I think he is sandbagging $$. Since I have found out about the affair (May) he has written $5000 in checks to "CASH". I can't figure out what he might have spent it on unless it was the OW (she is strapped financially). He also told me he would be getting a $6000 sick time payout in Jan. I just saw the announcement and it is $13,000. He has not contacted the OW in 3 months and tells me daily he loves me. However he is still in withdrawal and we have not been intimate. He also is not willing to do Harley's recomendations for recovery - YET. He has read 2 of Harley's books, 2 on men's midlife crisis, and will read After the Affair in the next month. If I question him about the $$ he will take it as a major LB and will be irrate at my snooping. My inclination is to not mention it and see how our recovery goes. I have xerox copies of everything that can be used if needed. The question I have is - in a divorse are there ways to find out about all accounts each spouse has? Things have been going well and I hate to rock the boat until withdrawal is farther along.

I guess my first reaction would be how can you have a recovery unless there is complete openness and honesty? I would insist upon pooling the resources into one joint account that both of you can review, & access at any time. If there is nothing to hide, then it should not be a problem.<P>As far as each of you having different accounts & how that might effect a divorce, you should talk with an attorney. There are many out there who will give you the first consultation free.

Every financial person recommends that a couple pool their money. I think that is even in the Harley books. I always think that when a couple has different accounts, its like two roommates living together that just happen to sleep together. It does sound like your h is putting $$ away somewhere. How accountable have you been to each other in the past on how you spend your $$ out of your separate accounts? Is your h a saver? Maybe he has been putting $ into accounts for years as savings? Have you always checked his account to see how he is spending it? It could be any # of good and bad things. Honesty is important. You need to decide if you can live with the questions or if this is something that you need to know. Read Harley on his financial principles and discuss the issue with your h since he has read the books.

We<BR>ve always kept things separate - for 30 years and it has worked well. He is much more frugal and does investments. It has avoided fights with me having my own $$. If children's socks were on sale on Tuesday and he didn't have it in the budget until Sat. we would miss the sale - even though there was money in the checking account. If we aren't ready to embark on all of Harley's suggestions should this be the one to bring up. I still think that I should let it ride until we can work on everything. Is anyone else in limbo during withdrawal.

Kate,<BR>Withdrawal is probably not the time to start changing anything major. Limbo is a big word during that time. Hang tight if you feel comfortable with the whole deal. H may have always done this type of thing. Who knows. Just watch and see what he does. The checks made out to cash are a big warning sign. See if they continue.

Hi Kate,<P>If you do end up getting a divorce yes you can find out what all your H's holdings are. It is called disclosure. Both sides have to by law give all evidence if requested. Your Lawyer will ask. A good place to start is tax forms. If you file separate he will have to disclose all his financial assets on the tax forms that are in his name. If he is placing the money in someone elses name there is not much you can do.<P>BTW. Tony and I have seperate accounts. He spends money like it grows on trees. I get way to tense if he had access to my money as well. We have major discussions on savings and financial goals but he is not ready for that. Plus we have a pre-nup in place. What is his is his and what is mine is mine. We also included what we will gain upon our individual families death. I will gain more than him. I have holdings that my great great grandparents have created for my family I will be damned that he will have any of it even upon my death. It will go to my neice and nephew as it should stay in MY family. But again this is my choice and we talked about it. You could say we used the POJA but as I said I told him how it would be. He than could decide to sign or not. <BR>