hello to all - I would like opinions if the way I am feeling is part of a natural stage of recovery/Part A etc. A quick background; DDay was 3 months ago, my husband returned home (after leaving and returning 4 times) about 1 month ago. He had a 2x sexual affair with a girl 22 years his jr. (she is now preg.) and a month long online affair that was never consumated but was very passionate. He is home and his only real committment statement is that he is "trying". He does still work with the young girl but says it's over and I believe it is (though we will have to pay child support for many years but that is a different issue).<BR> Now to the meat of the question. When I first found out about all of this I was really hysterical. I took a leave from work, was diagnosed with posttraumatic stress syndrome went on a variety of medications and cried uncontrollably for 1 month. <BR> My husbnand has been home 1 month. At first I was obsessed that he still worked with the OW. And I was very paranoid - checking the phone , if he was late etc. The people on this board gave me great advice about being patient and his withdrawl but I still felt that I had to control it or fix it. Just recentl I have begun to feel differently.<BR> I feel that because my husband is home. I've won the first part of the battle. I think I have been showing him that my behaviors can change consistently. We just took a minivacation with our kids. I think he really saw that I could treat him more respectfully as far as parenting the children etc. I have been trying to show him I appreciate him. I have not been love busting and been really not pushing things. I am still waiting for sexual intimacy to return fully but I guess that is still in the "babysteps" stage.<BR> Now I realize that if he chooses to not stay it is only his fault this time. I am trying and if it doesn't work out it won't be anything I could of done. I have also been looking at my marriage more objectively. It is savable but it will take time. It can't be the quick fix I thought it could be. I realize that if he doesn't stay it will be his loss. I will survive. I tell myself that I can continue Plan A or recovery or what ever we are in now because I feel less hysterical. If he stays fine -that is what I want more than anything. But if he leaves fine - I'll survive and he may even realize what he has lost and will come back. And if he doesn't - it's his loss. I don't want to sound cold. I love my husband and want to be married another 23 years. I am just wondering if this feeling of acceptance is a natural part of the recovery process.<BR> Thank you again<BR> Kris<BR>

quakermom,<P>Is it necessary for your H to work with the girl he had an affair with? This does not sound very healthy for either of you, given the circumstances. Has he written the letter of no contact with her, or does his job make it necessary to have contact with her? If so, my thoughts are that he should get a new job, at all costs. He is only hurting you, and I can imagine the sense of ongoing betrayal you must feel, knowing that she is even in his presence. IMHO, that should end with dispatch.<P>belld

quakermom - <BR>Your reactions are not only normal, but very healthy. I know this sounds weird, but once you start letting go of the fear, obsession and need for your H to stay, you open the door to him to want to stay. The hysterical reactions, the crying, the begging only serve to push him away. A stronger you is a more attractive you - for both of you.<P>Plan A is all about working on yourself, your self esteem and your self worth. You're doing great!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have also been looking at my marriage more objectively. It is savable but it will take time. It can't be the quick fix I thought it could be. I realize that if he doesn't stay it will be his loss. I will survive. I tell myself that I can continue Plan A or recovery or what ever we are in now because I feel less hysterical. If he stays fine -that is what I want more than anything. But if he leaves fine - I'll survive...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds good, sounds normal (whatever that means!) and sounds like great PROGRESS...<P>Cheers!<P>Kathi

belldandy - thank you for your response. Yes, unfortunately they will continue to work together. She may be transfered in Sept. of course that is what I am hoping for. Because of the preg. she is always going to be in our lives in some way (though of course I'm hoping the DNA tests prove otherwise) At this point I am past the point of obsessing about her. My husband says it wasn't really her - it was just symptomatic of how unhappy he was with us. and I believe him. I am working on improving my marriage and as I said I feel stronger and more able to cope. I am doing everything I can and can hold my head up high. I have done nothing I would ever be ashamed of and will continue to do my best. A coworker of his is willing to speak to a supervisor to explain what happened and try to have her transferred. I am not willing to do that. First of all it opens my husband up to sexual harrassment charges (he is her superior) and that could really backfire in my reconsiliation efforts. And second of all, it's sneaky and I am not stooping to that level. If he says it's over and wants to "try" then thats what I'll work on too. Otherwise I'll just go crazy! Thank you for your concern everyone here is so wonderful<BR> nomoreu - Thank you - your post made me feel great! I hope I continue to feel this strong. But now I realize what ever happens my children and I will be O.K. I have sat back and thought about the people that I know of that have had affairs (I don't mean to offend anyone - it's just my observation) I think they are the weaker half of the couple emotionally. That is why they tried to solve their problems in such an awful way. I forgot I was a strong person in my shock and am just beginning to feel that way again. Thanks to all here who have given me strength. <BR> Kris

Quakermom,<P>nomoreu said it exactly.<P>But I will add this. When I started feeling that way, it was wonderful progress!!<P>Maybe you were strong and are coming back.<P>I never knew I was that strong. And it has changed my life and our relationship.<P>We are doing very well now, falling in-love again. Yet, I have not lost that strength for a second!<P>I hope we will be together many more years, and he is now being sooo good, I would not want to be apart. But still I know I and my children would make it! This is such progress from my lowest point when I contemplated ending it all even before I learned of his infidelities.<P><BR>

If someone had told me 2 months ago that i could feel like this I wouldn't have believed them. I truly know what hitting rockbottom means (I guess we've all been there) and now it is the climb up. I feel more able to make that climb. Thanks for everyone's encouragement.<BR> Kris

Wow!!!!<P>All I can say is "Good for you!"<P>Reading letters like yours makes me feel like there is hope! And I feel ashamed of whining about my little problems!<P>If you can be good and loving to your H, then I know that I can to mine in light of what you are facing!<P>Here's to another 23 years!

Hi Kris:<P>I agree wholeheartedly with everyone and wanted to tell you how well I think you sound.<P>Although you're lucky and your H has made the commitment that I'm still waiting on, we all can identify with what you've been though and are still going through.<P>The betrayer takes away from us a lot more then just our trust in our marriage, he also takes away a lot of ourselves. But this is not necessarily a bad thing because if his walking away can leave us thinking that we have nothing left in our lives then we had too much invested in that relationship. We had given up too much of ourselves.<P>In a bad relationship (and I will admit it was bad but not terrible) we tend to give up ourselves and what we want need to preserve what we have. And needs can go unmet until there is a crisis. Suddenly our neglected needs are apparent to us and we cry out in anguish "What is in this marriage for me?"<P>The first person to reach this level is the betrayer, who goes looking to find someone to fill his needs. After discovery, the betrayed may begin to look at his situation and wonder what is left for him too.<P>To be one again and to realize that you can go on without this person leaves you with a great sense of freedom. Either of you can choose to go, but if you stay, you will always continue to be you and can never really be alone or lost again. <P>That is one gift you can receive from this whole messy infidelity business...the return of yourself.<P>Buffy<P>

Buffy - as usual you make a lot of sense. I read on one of the boards, "I don't want my old marriage back, that's what caused this mess. I want a new marriage with thee same partner." That is exactly how I feel.<BR>kam6318 and Schizzo - thank you for your votes of confidence! It does make me feel wonderful.<BR>Bernzini - "What ever doesn't break you will make you stronger" Well then I must be pretty strong I guess but you never know what you can handle until it happens.<BR> Kris

Kris, <BR>Just wanted to say how glad I was to read your letter! You have certainly come a long way! I always compared it to an 'icy' mountain...just could not find my footing for the longest time, but I guess nothing is truly impossible. <BR>I don't want to be a wet blanket but I do want to remind you what a rollercoaster this is. So, don't be discouraged if in time you start rolling down that mountain again. But you will see that as time goes by the hills aren't as steep and the valleys aren't as low. It's part of the ride of recovery! (Whee, I feel like I'm on a train as I read over this!)<BR>I certainly wish you the best!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by quakermom321:<BR><B>Now I realize that if he chooses to not stay it is only his fault this time. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Looks like you've discovered the real reason (in my mind) for Plan A/B. Namely, to help the BS to heal.<P>Bama<P>

littlemurph - Thank you again for your encouragement. I know we will continue to have our ups and downs. What is different I guess is that I don't feel as desperate as I did. The times I feel the most vulnerable are regarding intimacy which I still feel a coolness from him about. That is always an ego blower. However I feel a lot healthier. I realize I can cope with what ever happens. Of course I don't want to be a single parent of 4 young children. And of course I really do love my husband but I will survive. That is a better place to be then feeling so desperate. We are going away on Sunday for a week and I hope it can bring us all closer together. <P> Kris

Quakermom,<P>Are you getting your couple time in? During the first months it wasn't easy to "have fun" together, but we stuck with it, and after a few months we started to enjoy it more.<P>I too have young kids. Family time is great, but try to get some dates in too. We've found that there is generally some form of babysitting available wherever we go.<P>How old are the kids? Ours are 5 and 3. Miscarried one in between and one this year, but we are done having any.

Schizzo - hi, my kids are 14, 11, 8 and 6. they were all adopted. The oldest 2 are Korean and the youngest are Fillipino. They are wonderful children but are all high need kids plus have the baggage that comes from being another race and being adopted. One of the difficulties my husband and I were having is that I was so focused on them and their needs that I put him in sixth place. Not the place he wanted to be that's for sure. We had always gone out alone once a week (the advantage of a 14 year old). We are trying to get our couple time in now. Though sometimes it's strained. It has been strained because I wanted to regain that intimacy right away. Not only sexual but connectedness. I have to push less for that and take things slower. I am at a good place right now, I feel fairly confident but at the same time if it doesn't work out I did my best and it is truly his loss. Sad but true.<BR> Kris

Quakermom<P>I'm glad you mentioned this reply on my thread, I missed it since it had fallen off the page.<P>We were lucky if we spent 2 hours a week. The 15 hrs seemed so unattainable at first. I need to start tracking again. Just when I think we're doing great, it slips down again. We now really enjoy our time together, but his job and the kids are tough.<P>Oddly enough, for us, the sex was better than ever right after d-day. It was the only time we felt any connection.<P>However, the connection started coming as we spent time together having fun. It was tough avoiding talking about the hurt all the time, but it was obvious how that would derail the progress we were making. So I came here instead.<P>It sounds like you are doing well, quakermom. It's great you have a built-in sitter. I had very little to give the kids for a few months. But they were ok! And now I can see the difference in them as they see mommy and daddy doing well.