I am having a hard time with thinking about all he has done lying, cheating, selfishness etc. and realizing this is the man I am with. The person I know would not be so stupid and have done those things yet he did. It is really hard to deal with that. He is so wonderful now and seems so normal that when I think about all he is done I dont know which is the real him, or do I need to differentiate his sinful side with his good side? Does anyone have advice for how they have coped with that. Thanks

Alot of people think their spouse takes on a "different" personality when there is an affair going on. My H became very cold and calculating and resentful of the kids. <BR>You are not alone in this assessment of the WS. The thing is that they aren't the same people. Mostly they are running away from the same old person that they were and I personally believe it's because their needs weren't being met. There are numerous opinions on this subject and this is mine. Why should they want to be the same old good person they were if they aren't happy with themselves?<BR>Some say otherwise but this is my opinion.<BR>As far as getting past it, time is a tremendous healer. And when they do re-earn your trust then you have a tendency to not dwell on these thoughts any more. I am not saying they dissappear completely but they are replaced with much more optimistic thoughts. I pray I've helped, God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I also felt this way after dday. I said to H "I feel like I dont know who you are" He said to me..."Honey,I am the same guy that I have always been for the last 10 years...it wasnt 'me' who was having an A.I was in la-la land.Rest assured in that the guy you know and love is still here".<P>Its been almost 6 mos now and I see that he is the same guy and a better one at that!!! <P>You will see in time....he made a terrible choice...but havnt we all done something to be ashamed of at one time or another? I know I am far from perfect....we are all human

Jillian, I really think they do take on a different personality and the one that came back is the "real" one. <P>I know my H is polar opposite. He is sooooo different and even says he's "changed". (into what he can't say)<P>From all that I've read here and in books I really think an affair does somewhat the same thing to the body physiologically.as a drug. One of my closest friends H has a very bad drug problem and has said a lot of the same things to her that my H has said to me.<P>Also, S.Harley...told me that the brain has a shut off valve...when doing something so against their moral character...they almost do have to change.<P>In depression (which includes MLC) some say it is almost hormonal.. Plus, depression itself can rewrite history...and an affair is definately a self medicated treatment for depression.<P>Chick's is probably right for most regarding needs being met.... Perhaps life itself becomes like a windshield wiper (and stays that way for conflict avoiders who do not know how to communicate needs)... and the affair and change in personality are part of the grass is greener syndrome.<P>Whatever it is, it is hard to deal with. I think that I can't ever imagine treating my H so heartless...even since this affair. I cannot imagine what I have done to him that has made him want to treat me or the kids this way....<P>I think just discussing your fears with him in a non threatening way might be a good way to start to cope with it. I would love to even be able to have any conversation with my H,,,,but when we start he just becomes that different person and says contridictory things!!! <P>So many people here have experienced the same as you... they can offer great advice!!<p>[This message has been edited by tootrusting (edited July 29, 2000).]

I look at it as if he's lost & has to find his way home. It was a mistake & doesn't necessarily destroy all the good between us.

Jillian,<P>It wasn't until my H and I started going to marriage counseling that I realized some probable reasons I had an affair.<P>After a few years of marriage we were already at that "stale" stage but I was willing to stay in the marriage, even though I felt very unhappy in it.<P>It was a few years ago that my mother got sick with cancer and died shortly after discovery. <P>She is the first person to die in my family and I thought I was dealing with it ok, considering I knew she was in a much better place and was not in pain any longer.<P>Then a few months later I found out I was pregnant. It was God sent news! I felt God knew I needed some help dealing with the death of my mother and was sending me a little angel to help out.<P>But unfortunately, we lost the baby shortly after.<P>In both of these cases my H did not show any grieving and I felt all alone. I didn't feel comfortable even talking with him about it. So all of my grieving was done in solitude, and I wasn't doing a very good job at it.<P>That was when the OM came along, and he was lending me his ear. He was doing all the consoling that I wanted from my H and I was pretty much hooked from that point on.<P>That is no excuse for what I did with this man. But that is an explanation of how I think I got to that point.<P>