I am married - I was just married in March but have lived with him for the past 14 years. My problem - an old lover who I can't let go of. We have been sneaking around for the past 10 years off and on. It has now started up again except this time much more seriously. I find him sexy (he is a biker type guy with a few tattoos). He has had DUI's and been in trouble for drugs in the past. He is 35 and is now living with his parents. I am 30 have a great husband who is very good looking, great house, no kids yet. I am just not attracted to him anymore. I don't want him to even touch me really. I find myself trying to get him to go somewhere or even out of town so that I can be with or talk on the computer to the other man. I have it made in the shade but I think this other guy and I could have a good life together to - What is wrong with me? The other day I came home and told my husband that I wasn't in love with him anymore and that I thought I wanted to move out. He is so hurt and just wants to know why. The bad thing is I can't bare to tell him. Plus the other man has known my husband longer than I have. They grew up together. I am feeling that now that I am 30 I just want a change and I am so in love with the OM and I really think he can change for the better. Somebody please help me!

Your story sounds all too familiar. It seems like the OM's are always "bad boys". I don't know why that is.<P>A major question: Why did you get married? You said you lived w/him for 14 yrs. What made you guys decide to get married after all that time? Why didn't you get married sooner?<P>Do you honestly want to give up your H for this OM? You need to seriously analyze your situation. Don't make a mistake you'll regret for the rest of your life. I've been in your shoes, so to speak. I came close to losing the best person in the world, my H.<P>I think these feelings you have for OM are temporary. I think you'd feel wonderful for awhile, but then you'd be back to where you are now.<P>Ask more questions, I'll be happy to discuss it w/you.<p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited July 31, 2000).]

TCH2MCH,<P>I posted to you on your other thread but a question occured to me. If you have been having an affair with OM for 10 years of the 14 years you have been with your current H, why didn't you leave your H before you married him and go with OM? <P>It seems to me you didn't go with OM and stayed with your H for some reasons and they must have been very compelling for you. You had the choice between these two mean for 10 years and you chose to marry your H. Now, after only a few months, you want to leave H and go with OM. WHAT HAPPENED?<P>Keep posting, and you may learn a few things about yourself.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thanks for your response - what happened is that I felt too comfortable in my situation. I had security! I was too scared to walk away. Now I am more confident and probably more stupid. He married several years ago and his wife left him for someone else. I have always loved him - I got married because I wanted to start a family and live a good life. A few months back I ran into him again and the sparks started flying and there we were sneaking around once again.

HI TCH2MCH,<BR> This OM sounds like a great guy. I guess you've really thought this out and made up your mind. YOU SAID:<BR>"He has had DUI's and been in trouble for drugs in the past. He is 35 and is now living with his parents." "I think this other guy and I could have a good life together to" "Plus the other man has known my husband longer than I have. They grew up together."<P> I guess the only obstical is talking to his parents and making sure you can move in with them too! Sounds really cool man! Like a romance novel!! <BR> Or, maybe you could kick your loving husband out of YOUR house and have the guy with all the potential move in with you. I bet you could get some alimony $$$$ too!!<BR> It would be your husbands fault for not being a "Guy who can change for the better" I mean he's sounds so BORRREING!! A good faithful man, yuch!!<BR> You've just "Grown apart" and this OM, well, he sounds like a REAL good catch!! You better not let HIM get away!!<BR> You're 30 now, all grown up!! You want a change right? I mean, your husband was the guy that took care of you for MOST of your adult life. Now that you're ready for a change. hey, what better way than to run off with his childhood friend? <P> Yeah, sounds like you've got a GREAT life ahead of you! I mean LOVE, TRUE LOVE, is soooo hard to find!! And THIS GUY!! I bet guys like him are ONE IN A MILLION!! Faithful, loving men that you can actually LIVE with in REAL life for 14 years, well, they're a DIME A DOZEN!! <BR> My vote, HOSE your husband down for all the $$$ you can get and "GO FOR IT GIRL"!! YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!! <P> I'm sure GOD wants you to be happy. He won't mind, I mean "To love,honor and cherish. Foresaking all others, till death do you part" GOD didn't REALLY mean it in THIS situation. How could he expect you to pass up THIS guy?? A 35 year old man that lives with his parents with drug and criminal past (who CAN change for the better) thats sneaks around with his childhood friend's Wife!! Sounds like a really good guy!! A REAL MAN!!! HEY, maybe YOUR NAME can be tattoo'd on his arm someday!! DREAMY!!! You two are "Made for each other" "Soul Mates"! RIGHT?<P> Just say three Our fathers and two Hail Mary's and You are ALL set with THAT nonsence!! You won't have to "Reap What You Sow"!! GOOD LUCK, I'LL BE PRAYING FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND.....

TCH,<P>I am not writing to flame you by any means. I to am the betrayer. As you can see you will get flamed by other folks, like PH. <BR>That is ok though. This board is great!<P>You need to read all the Harley methods.They will help. <BR>I use to think that OM was the man for me. LOL!<BR>My H is an engineer and has a career ahead of him. My OM was a shadetree mechanic.And if the truth be known he has a history to. <BR>My H told me he could have understood if it were a man with money. Or even a career.<BR>You can do this. You may read my post. It has been hard. BUT IT WAS WORTH IT!!!!!<P>Go do this TCH! You have to tell H that you were attracted to someone else. That way he wont bring him around you anymore. <BR>Prayers<BR>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

TCH2MCH,<P>I read this yesterday and my fingers were itching to flame so bad, I had to get out.<P>You are trying to rationalize bad behavior and poor decisions with this "I am so in love" defense. You are in a fog. The life you dream of with OM is pure fantasy, Sweetheart. Everyone here can see it but you. <P>You, of course, will do whatever you feel like doing no matter how much help you ask for. But if it's advice you want...<P>STOP!!<P>...avoid ALL contact with OM...you feel like you'll be slitting your own throat but that is THE first thing you need to do. Then get into counseling either alone or with your H. Read Harley's principles, get on antidepressants if needed--and keep yourself occupied/spend quiet time with your H/keep away from OM at all costs.<P>But if you decide to throw your life away, please do so by all means. Some people only learn the hard way. Just let me know your H's number and address cause I know alot of beautiful single women who would be knocking down his door in a minute for a good, honest, faithful and loving man--let alone good looking. I am not kidding. <P>Perhaps he isn't meeting your emotional needs--he needs to know what they are. This OM is apparently meeting them in spades. You owe it to your H to give him a chance to do the same. Best of luck, Hon. I hope you are a smart girl.

Welcome <B>TCH2MCH</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Your title seems a bit off..<BR>...there seems to be love for only one "lover".<P>I know where <B>PLEASE HELP</B> is coming from...<BR>...his sarcasim wasn't hidden...<BR>...but his point is real and should be looked at honestly.<P>You need to make a decision...<P>If you feel you can't work on your <B>real</B> marriage...<BR>...you have to let go right away...<P>If what is presented here doesn't make a bit of sense to you...<BR>the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>...<BR>...<BR>If none of this is what make "natural" sense to you...<BR>...refute it all to yourself first<BR>...then <B>say so to your husband</B><BR>...and same him more grief!<P>If however...<BR>...they are starting to make sense...<BR>...and you understand the consequences of this addiction you've fallen into...<BR>...<B>LET THIS OM GO!</B><P>The decision is your's...<BR>...and your H will have virtually no say in the mattter.<BR>Sounds like a time for "adult" reasoning?...<BR>...it is!<P>Honest and sincere prayers of enlightenment to you.<P> <P>Jim

Thank you for response. The truth hurts and what you have said is all the truth. He is not just my husband's childhood friend. He was my first boyfriend. After he and his wife split up he did get down and depressed - that is when the trouble with the law began and that is how he ended up back with his parents. He holds down a job and is very capable of moving back out at anytime. I have not talked to him in a few days and with time hopefully it will get easier.

TCH, we are here for you. Try to separate your logic from your emotions for just a minute. Your lover's wife left him. I think I can see why. Can you? Was he carrying on with you when his wife left him or did that happen afterwards. If you left your wonderful life for him, would you be happy in that type of insecure environment?<P>As Leilana said, your H sounds like a real catch. I am sure that there would be plenty of women who would be very happy to be with him. Try thinking about how lucky you are that he chose you to be with for so long.<P>Security is a good thing. Now, you need to add some of that dashing passion that you fee with the OM to your M. The only way to do that is to talk with your H. Tell him that you are attracted to the bad boy and every once in awhile, perhaps, he can be the bad boy for you. Do something wild and exciting with your H. I do believe that you can have a passionate and secure relationship with your H if you both work on it. The trick is getting him to work on it.<P>Good luck to you. Remember, absolutely no contact with the OM. You really should send him a no contact letter that simply states that you want to work on your marriage and you are not able to do that wholeheartedly as long as he is around. Ask him to please discontinue any and all contact with you in the future. You can do this. And you can always come here to talk about things.

TCH2MCH,<P>Reread my post--it sounds snarly--sorry--it's not what was intended.<P>It's just been my experience that once people get into this fantasy "fog"(there goes that hated word again--what else can we call it?) they are incapable of making intelligent decisions. There is no talking them out of it. I have the same feeling of despair/have no hope for you. <P>You can't see beyond having what you "want" and "deserve"--at all costs. You can't believe that the OP could ever be the cause of misery--but they most inevitably are. You are stuck in "selfish mode" (I'm not trying to be mean, Babe--it's the God's honest truth). You just can't see beyond yourself and the great qualities you think OM has are what you want to see. He won't be able to keep it up 24/7! And then all the myths you have about him will come crashing down to earth. <P>I only pray your H is around to pick up the pieces then.<P>OM was your boyfriend once. What broke you up? That may be a clue to what is wrong with pursuing that relationship. <P>You've already talked yourself out of love with the best man in the world for you. Somehow he wasn't meeting your most important emotional need. FIND out what it is about OP that "does it" for you and give you H a chance to fulfill that for you. <P>Do two things for me, Hon.<P>Tell your H to get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley--it's the kindest thing you could do for him--at least let him keep his sanity while you're driving him insane with the pain you're causing him. If you do nothing else, do this please! <P>The other thing I don't think you will do--because you're basically mentally ill (that's the way I look at this "fantasy fog" thing--not flaming or slamming you at all--you're just confused, not evil) and practically incapable of helping yourself at this point. The 2nd thing is:<P><B>NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT</B> with OM! <P>Praying for you, Hon.<P>Aloha,<P>Leilana

Hey the truth hurts sometimes. I respect you for telling me like it is. That is what I need to hear. We went out of town camping this weekend and really had a good time together. I have done alot of thinking and all of you are right about it all. H doesn't know about the affair. Is it the best thing to do is to tell him? Is that always the best thing to do? That scares me!

This is where the debate starts.<P>Dr. Harley says "Yes" you do have to tell him. You will have to read "Surviving and Affair" to understand why (it's not a very thick book but it's priceless!)<P>I agree. But this dishonesty runs so deep in your marriage. It will be hard.<P>I find it hard to believe your H doesn't know at least some part of it already. If not, it will rock your very foundation. <P>The next issues may be WHEN and HOW you tell your H.<P>You will need to hear that from those with better experience.<P> But your marriage doesn't stand a chance if your H doesn't know what he's up against and how crucial it is for him to start meeting your needs. Otherwise, how can you fall in love with him. You will only fall back in love with this OM or maybe even someone else you think will be the better deal for you. <P> Either way, not telling him is not fair to your H.<P>Tyra says a special on affairs will be on Oprah on 8/8/00. Maybe there will be more guidance there for you, as well. I know I'll be taping it! <P>God Bless you, TCH2MCH.