Five weeks ago my H came home from the mountains a different person. Everything was fine before that - we were selling our house and had a deposit on a piece of ground. The two weeks after he came home from the mountains were hell. He wouldn't talk but to say he was unhappy and didn't like his lifestyle. I found phone numbers and his pager was going off two different mornings. He was some very hurtful things to me. (I was pathetic and did I see him jumping for joy when I came home from work?) After two weeks the morning he pushed my hand off his back, his pager was going off, he told me "NOPE" he didn't even want to try to make our marriage work, he was gone from Friday until Sunday, his shirt smelled like a hotel room and I found a condom in his shaving bag - I put his clothes outside.<P>I keep doubting myself that I shouldn't have done that. If I wouldn't have done that, he might still be here. I keep reading about all these people who just live knowing this is going on and I couldn't do that on top of him not even wanting to try and being even a little compasionate with me. <P>It was been 3 weeks since he moved out. I have only talked to him once on the phone because he called wanting to know if he had any mail there.<P>Is it my fault? I did everything those two weeks to make it work and try and make him talk to me. Nothing worked. How can someone change over night? Is this because he did something he felt quilty about?<P>Now what do I do? Just leave him alone and make NO contact with him?<P>I asked him if this was it and he said "pretty much". Do you think he could have just ran that quickly and will never turn back?<P>I appreciate any advice. I am having a bad morning.<P>Thanks,<BR>MK

My H was only in his affair for about 2 weeks when he annoounced he wanted a divorce. I did all the "right things" and he still moved out 2 weeks later. He was overwhelmed with guilt at his shameful actions. So even doing everything "right" won't necessarily keep him there. Teh good news is that after about a month he began to miss me and change his mind. He yo yo'd for about 4 months after that, then decided to recommit himself totally to the marriage. Things have been really good ever since (almost a year and a half). The few weeks between his announcement and his actual leaving (although he wsn't here every night, "staying with friends" lol) were even harder for me. He was being a real pr-ck and I was walking on eggshells. At least when he wasn't here I was in control of when he came over, etc and it was easier.

Thanks fairydust!<P>Did you have contact when your husband left? I have had none. Is this a good thing or bad. I think it is the best because if I kept calling him and nagging him I think that would only push him away further. Do you think I just need to leave him alone?<P>So it sounds like it just came up all the sudden with your husband too. That is the thing that is blowing my mind. He is like this cold person that I don't know. Even other people have said that. It is so hard imagining that my husband could this. He is such a sweetheart. I keep looking for these answers.<P>I am glad to hear things are working out for you and your husband. Your are one of the lucky ones!<P>MK

Oh Mary Kay, he went from being a wonderful man to a totally cold [censored]. It was horrible. he was also suffering from depression and it took him MONTHS to admit something was wrong. The first month he was gone there wasn't much contact. He never took all of his stuff, just some clothes. He would show up about once a week to get a clothes refill. I would just tell him I still loved him and that the door was always open. Then I'd say just think about it, keep an open mind. What I did when he started to warm up a little was send him cards at work about once a week, just "I miss you" type cards. as time went on calls and visits became more frequent, we started doing things together. It was a painful, rocky road but we made it. If you don't want to bug him (which is a risk) try sending a card to his work. I would also sometimes leave a voicemail at work when I knew he wouldnt' be there, just to say hi. It can be done!