OKay here goes.....<BR>If anyone read my post about H needing advice<BR>you have some background as to how this started. I have said before that H is not being honest with me. And last night and tonight he lied to me about the porn. Internet last night and when I went downstairs tonight he was watching a video.<BR>Of course he clicked it off and tried to be nice(which he wasn't speaking to me earlier).<P>I asked him about it a he had no choice but to admit it I saw the VCR was on. I asked him if he would have admitted it if I had not<BR>discovered this. He just looked at me. He<BR>got real angry, because I told him as long as<BR>he continues to do this he won't be touching<BR>me. That did it. He got angrier and began to<BR>put the blame on me as to his fender bender at work. I don't buy it. He said he can't stop thinking about that night. And he watches porn to forget?!?<P>I didn't say that to him. I tried not to LB<BR>but this is VERY HARD when you have been trying to rebuild and get lies. He said he is afraid he will get fired because of accident and his job is the most important thing in his life. If he loses his job (he says) he has no reason to live. Can anyone<BR>help me here? I feel like I am fighting for something that isn't and never will be there.<BR>Anyone have any thoughts on this.

I reread my post and should clarify that H<BR>got angry before I said he wouldn't be touching me. Anyway, I have been trying to do the right things in this, being supportive, loving, etc. But I keep getting<BR>knocked down by his lies and one minute he say he wants this and the next he goes into old habits. I'm getting so tired and right now feel like what am I fight for. I did apologize to him (for what I don't know) he<BR>said I wasn't treating him right and I was being selfish. Only thinking of ME. Gee,<BR>I thought it was WE. Thanksgiving, I told him I forgive him and wanted this marriage as I have always tried to show him. I have been trying even though it hasn't been that long,<BR>he is a Jeckle and Hide. And I do have to say I am not completely certain he really had an accident as work. This may be one of his lies to make me feel bad. Because he did this and doesn't want me to get at the truth. I am so numb, down and defeated. I put him to bed tonight and talked sweetly to him and encouraged him not to worry about work, etc.<BR>and all the while I feel I am dying. He enjoyed this very much and is now asleep. And<BR>I feel as if I have lost my mind.

devastated2,<P>I went back and read some of your older posts too...<P>I do think porn mybe be a problem in and of itself...<P>But what really struck me... is the 'lying' about it issue. The constant denial, and the saying he'll give it up... and then back to denial again...<P>One question... Are you in counseling (alone or with H)? Not for H's porn interest but for your marriage?... If not have you considered this?<P>I can't tell from the posts I've read where you really are...<BR>Just started withdrawal (H from one-nighter)?<BR>Ending withdrawal?<BR>Into full recovery?<P>Have you discussed <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A> with your H?<P>I'm not sure of your H has separated from (not the lover but)... the concept of having a lover...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If there is a failure to totally separate from a lover, it usually means that the measures taken to guarantee separation are inadequate. (page 73 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In any case... consider counseling...<P>Prayers to you for a difficult situation... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Devastated,<BR>Not sure this will help or if it is what is going on in your life, but here's what I think. <P>Is your husband willing to work on your relationship? It sounds like there are some issues that need to be worked out between the two of you and sex is probably one of them. My guess is your husband has strong sex need and his idea of sex may be that it is suppossed to be like it is in the porn movies. That is probably not what your idea of sex is all about nor should it be. Does your husband want to understand what your needs and desires are and does he relize that for you to want to meet his needs, he has to be willing to meet yours? If he is not at a point where he is willing to do these things and learn from what has happened in the past (the one night stand), he might stray again. You need to decide if you are willing to put up with his habits anymore and make it clear to him that it hurts you. If he is not willing to change, you need to decide if he is worth staying married to. Don't let him put all the blame on you. <P>Trust in yourself.

Thank you NSR<P>I value your insights and opinions. You are<BR>a class act. <P>As for counseling, Tried in the past and H<BR>was not willing to continue, medication was<BR>perscribed for him, Is now on SERZONE, but<BR>forgets to take it now and again. I do remind him. I wish he would go to counseling but he has said we can't afford it. I do need <BR>a human face to talk to and I am willing. <BR>It would cut into finances especially at this time of year, but I will be working again in<BR>January and I could pay for it myself. I am<BR>trying to recover but when I discover more lies I get a setback. Know what I mean. I'm <BR>hurting so bad inside and have to let on to<BR>family and others that everything is fine and<BR>right now in order to live peacefully with H<BR>I have to pretend I'm fine, even though I have expressed my feelings about needs, the<BR>porn, etc. I did something I don't know if<BR>you or anyone would think is right but I only got 1 hour of sleep last night and cried before I did sleep. I got up after H left for work and drove to where he works to check the<BR>vehicle he drives to see if he in fact was telling me the truth about his minor accident. There was a ripped hole in a panel<BR>not huge though like he made it out to be. All he can think of now is what will happen to him concerning his job. In the meantime my feelings are not that serious he says. His job is more important than anything else. <P>I can appreciate the job factor. Everyone has to eat, pay bills, etc. But I am expected to accept, be quiet, be sweet, be supportive while he does his things and ignores my and my needs. I have always believed in marriage and don't give up easy but I have to ask myself, I guess, is do I keep giving and not getting? He isn't changing or is regressing and gets angry at me when I bring it to his attention.<P>I'm sorry I rambled so long. Seems I always do. I have so much bottled up inside me and no where to put it except here. Thanks for listening to me. <P>WJ;<P>Thank you for your reply. H has never during the seven years of our marriage displayed much interest in sex, except for the porn. I have tried many many time to discuss this with him but he would never talk about it with me. And I have never refused him sexually, in fact I always wanted it more than he did. Talk about the tables being turned. My sex drive is stronger than his. And even though I don't need pornography or want it, I told him I am willing to get involved in this with him if it would make him happy. He said no, it would make him uncomfortable. Why? I am his partner, his lover, his wife. Be he excludes me and is intent on keeping this secret. And Yes, I am<BR>afraid if he doesn't deal with this problem he Will cheat again. He says, after I catch him, that he will stop, but does not. He says he is willing to work on this relationship but when it comes to the porn he<BR>continues to do it. And does not put effort into helping himself with this or any other of his or our issues. I'm suppose to do it for him, but I can't. <P>And yes, I sometimes think he thinks that sex is suppose to be like the porn he watches. I have lost weight since this all happened, not that I needed to but I find it hard to eat. H<BR>says he likes my weight loss and how sexy I look and he is sooo attracted to me more than before. REALLY. So why the porn? Why the hiding it? Maybe he is in a fantacy world with being with someone where there is no emotional connection only sex that is forbidden. Maybe that is the turn on for him. He told me back in November that while he was with this OP that he was thinking in the back of his mind that this is bad, really bad and I shouldn't be doing this, but he did it anyway. What does that tell you? Am I the biggest fool here to keep holding this marriage? I keep hoping and praying and keep getting hurt. I don't know how to get him to be honest with me. And when I try he says I am selfish and don't really love him. What have I been trying to show him all these years? He is the one who has been supported and pampered in this relationship. He always told me to be patient with him and I have been. For that he cheats. That is what I have been patient for? I feel so stupid among other emotions right now. <P>Great! I typed a short novel here. Sorry.<BR>Thanks you two for being there. I really need support right now. I am feeling so lost and used.

TimJ;<P>So sorry, I reread my post here and referred to you as WJ. My mind is not what it should be. Sorry. Forgive me. With only 1 hour of <BR>sleep the ole brain cells are not functioning<BR>all that great today.

I may be out of line here, and I apoligize in advance if I am, but have you thought about this. Instead of thinking of the porn as a sexual distraction, what if instead you used it as a sexual aid. My wife and I watch porn together occasionally and it is a great turn-on for both of us, if it's a good one (some porn is just bad porn). I know its hard to deal with this, but talk to him about it, instead of getting mad when he is watching it, ask him what he likes about it. Watch it with him and discuss it. Maybe he will begin to see you in a new light, and it may even help with the intamacy. Just a thought.

KLS;<P>I have tried many many times to discuss this with him in a kind and supportive way. And told him I was willing to watch it with him<BR>and I tried to but he got upset and would NOT let me do this. He simply will not allow it.<BR>This is an area where I am NOT ALLOWED. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why. <P>I have tried all kinds of things to be more interesting to him, whipped cream, sexy outfits, etc. Let your imagination roll on that. Anyway, He seemed to like it somewhat<BR>but not the enthusiastic reaction I would have expected. No, he doesn't want me to be a part of the porn no matter what I say, do or try. So now what?

Just in case anyone posts here, I am not ignoring you. I am going out for a drive, to think. I will be back later in the evening.<BR>Trying to figure this out. Right now I'd like to drive off the earth.

Wow, that is strange. Most guys I know (including myself) go crazy when thier significant other watches/discusses porn with them, as well as other things. It sounds like he is trying to make it some kinda outlet for him. A place where he can only go for some reason. It must be something deeper than the porn itself. Sounds like he is having an affair with the porn, but if you are showing him these emotional needs that youre willing to meet, i don't know why he is continuing it. I guess the only advice I can give is don't lovebust over it (which I know can be hard at time). Hopefully over time he will come around and discuss it with you why this is his outlet, rather than you.