What a week. I thought the darn thing would never end! Thanks for all of the help, I do appreciate it! Understandably, none of my friends or family can stand my H, and I don't think they'll forgive me if we get back together. That makes this so hard!<P>Well, we saw each other a few times last week. The first time, we had a drink, and then went to the park and cried (well, I did, my H shows as little emotion as he can possibly get away with) The next couple of times we fought tooth and nail, I was upset because all he does is go out to the bars every night, and hang out with women. He's getting a rep of being a dog, and it's upsetting the h*ll out of me! He said that he doesn't care what other people think about him, and that he hasn't done anything wrong. He says that he lies to "maintain some privacy because I hound him about where he is and what he's doing". How am I supposed to believe him and trust him when he admits that he has no qualms about lying to me?<P>I got tired of it, and said that I only wanted to talk to him when it was concerning our son. He said fine, and went about his way (this was Friday). I spent Friday and Saturday totally depressed, and I finally called a girlfriend of mine, and she invited me down to Everett to talk. She, her sister, sister-in-law, brother, and a few of his Navy buddies were there. They took the liberty of setting me up with one of the Navy guys there. We decided to go to Canada and go dancing, and they conviently arranged it so that me and Navy Man would have to drive up together.<P>We did have a lot in common. He is in the final process of divorce from his W. She cheated on him repeatedly and kept lying about it, and he kept forgiving her because he loved her. He finally had enough, and now they're getting a divorce. He was extremely funny, nice, and didn't take himself so seriously (a trait I detest about my H). We danced, and had a terrific time. Then we moved closer, and he started caressing me on the dance floor...I was gone. The furthest things went were a hug and him rubbing ice on my neck and shoulders when I complained that I was hot. Lord help me though, I wanted to sleep with him, and given the opportunity, I would have. We're supposed to go out again next Saturday, and it will probably end up happening.<P>This morning (Monday), my H has called 3 times, saying that he is an idiot, doesn't want to lose me, and wants to work things out. I don't know what to do...I can't believe a word that he says to me because he's done nothing but lie to me since we've been together, he won't admit to cheating again even though it's obvious he has, he's taken me for granted for 3 years now, but I still love him. I've just heard so many horror stories about men who say what their wives want to hear so that they won't lose them, and then they continue on with what they're doing. I don't know what to do - I'm meeting him at our house tonight, I know that he is sick, but my heart can't keep going through this.<P>I'm tired of the drama. <P>Ali

What you're going thru has nothing at all to do with Navy guy. Ask yourself a simple question - do you want to save your marriage or not? If the answer is yes, then be prepared for a roller coaster ride. If the answer is no, I think you should still deal with your emotions, yourself, your life etc. to make sure you don't bring any baggage with you to your next relationship. Navy boy isn't going to make things alright. You have to do that on your own.<BR>As for your H, well saying the words is a first step but his actions must reflect his intentions. Make sure he knows his behaviour can't continue.<BR>If you do want to work on your marriage, then the problem of having someone else in your life is that it makes it easier for you not to try very hard as long as you think you have someone waiting in the wings. Youre going through a very emotional state right now & you can't trust whatever you're feeling for someone else although it is completely understandable. You had a good time, felt some release from your problem & probably for the first time in a long time you thought about YOU. Add to that the fact that we Canadians have more alcohol in our beer than you do!!! <BR>And personally no I don't think it would make you a WS.

CB,<P>Hold on there, young lady! Ditto what Searching for Hope said. If you want your marriage then you must be prepared for the worst, if you don't, then get a divorce. If you can't decide, then you are in the same position as you're H. You will not be helping yourself by getting involved with another man before you have resolved your relationship with you H.<P>Read my post in "100 things to do instead of have an affair", and also, in the one about porn addiction. Getting involved with someone else will not make your feelings any clearer.<P>Hang in there.<P>Steve

Advice from a WS in recovery ( married almost 9 years 2 young children and affair over 6 months before D-Day):<BR><p><BR>My husband has told me that I have ruined his chance for a normal relationship since D-Day and that now its his turn to have fun and indulge. He is now the saint and reminds me of that every day even though he has alot of issues of his own that he refuses to confront. ( his own substance addictions, porn, condoms I found in his jacket on occasion as well as other things including a coworker he wanted to be with and "only" kissed but was too moral to do anything with)I am working very hard to save my marriage if you have read any of my other posts. On a daily basis since dday I have to live with him insulting me and being nasty to both me and my children and I don't love bust at all. When he says something extremely offensive I literally block it out and take a deep breath. I am taking such good care of myself and my family and am feeling very good about myself. Usually he comes to me and offers an apology or some type of comfort. We are getting along well with all things considered but I can't help but wondering all the thoughts going on in his head. It scares me alot specially when he thinks he is so perfect.<p><p> My point here is our lives were very abnormal for a very long time and neither of us did a damn thing to change any of it. I am moving away from the past and he seems to be stuck in it right now. My hope is if I continue on the path I am on he will come to see how nice our lives can be and without saying much we will move on happy and content with a great marriage. If he cheats now he will literally ruin much of my progress. If it is revenge he is seeking he will hurt himself more. If its for fun and to indulge ..he can have that now with me and will probably cause him extreme guilt. Now, he is all prepared for his turn...if after his turn he continues to berate me then I will have to make a decision about my future. I had hoped he would be a bigger man about this but he is acting very childish. How I don't love bust is beyond me but I feel I have an inner strength right now.<p> My advice to you is to pray long and hard before you weaken yourself to another "BODY". You wont be able to take it back. The moment might be wonderful but your self esteem and progress will be damaged by both resentment and guilt. Be a bigger person then your husband. Keep this new mans contact info in a safe place and if you are ever divorced and he is as well then see how the friendship can be. It sickens me to know that my husband in retaliation will tell the other woman how evil I am ect. It hurts me to know that all my efforts to save our marriage will be reduced to him making me so bad that he is a saint in order to get cheap sex in the guise of comfort. I do know that after his fun and indulgence he will feel like crap. Just like I did. It was so much easier to stay in the affair then deal with my marriage troubles. <p><P>Let me know if you have any more questions.<BR>

Carolina Belle, I'm not sure if I can say this would make you a WS or not. I guess it would if you're still married. Three years is a long time. I'm not sure I'd dedicate 3 years to recovery without reaching my last straw or without my emotional being colapsing.<P>It's true if you still feel as though you want to work out your marriage with your H then you can't have someone in your life. You'll end up comparing the two and that only makes things difficult. You don't want to go into a rebound relationship.<P>I can't tell you how many times I've wished for someone to walk into my life and take me away from all this. But the fact is I still love my H. And if there's the slightest possibility he'll come back to me emotionally and be faithful for the rest of our lives I'd wait.<P>I'm not sure where you are with your H. If you've made no progress for 3 years I'd wonder if it's not time to move on. But if it's been slow progress at least your on your way. I hope you do what feels right. If there's still a chance with you and your H I'd hate to see you throw that away. Good Luck Carolina Belle. Let us know how it goes. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Searching for Hope - You're right, stronger beer + 2-for-1 drink specials + 50% U.S. exchange = Ali got a little tipsy that night! I think that it was primarily alcohol and vulnerability running me that night. Upon first appearance, this guy is TOTALLY not my type.<P>Steve - I looked for those posts that you were referring to and couldn't find them - could you link them?<P>LST - Thanks, it's nice to get the perspective of a WS. The only problem with mine is that he is borderline pathelogical liar, and a sex addict. The 2 affairs I know of 100% I've had to confront the other women and trap them into admitting them - he denies and denies until he is absolutely cornered. His addiction is like alcoholism or drugs - he needs his fix from other females in one form or another, albeit porn or actual adultery. He has told me that he is going to go to a specialist for help, but there have been so many lies and deceits that I don't know how much more I can, or want to put up with.<P>lostsoulmate - I still love my H with all my heart - that will never go away. We had been making a lot of progress, but the second I left town, the old H came back. Literally, the second that I left, he was back at the bars, dressing to the nines, playing his game. As long as I'm in town and constantly around him, he's fine, but it's like I have to have him on a choke chain, and that's not what a marriage should be. He still won't admit to sleeping with these women, but he's lied about being with them and going out with them, so why should I believe that nothing happened? He's admitted to "kind of seeing" one of them over the week that we've been separated, but he claims that he's been celibate (doubtful - I know him). We're supposed to talk some tonight, and I'll see where that takes us. I may have to plan A or B, I'm not sure yet. But thanks for all the help, y'all!<P>

CB,<P>Hopefully, I'm doing this right .<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004370.html" TARGET=_blank>100 Things instead of A</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004486.html" TARGET=_blank>Porn Addiction</A><P>My response to this one that relates to you is on page 2. It doesn't have anything to do with porn, it's about second marriages.<P>What you said about friends and family, I understand completely. My Mom especially is very unhappy about the whole thing, not pleased that I want to reconcile. I told my parents a couple of months ago that if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't tell anyone. It makes everything more difficult.<P>Steve