What I'm trying to get rid of is jealousy. I have a big problem with it right now. It's so bad that I accused my H of having an affair with a co-worker even though I know he isn't. I'm just jealous of her because I think she is prettier than I am (in my opinion), thinner than I am and younger than I am. I think I am jealous because I thought they were talking more at work and because he told her one thing before he told me about it. I actually talk to this co-worker more than he does so I'm not sure why I would be jealous of her but I am sometimes. Maybe it's because I heard my H say she was pretty and he hasn't told me that in a long time but heck, him being me should prove to me that I am pretty enough for him and that he loves me. <P>How do I get rid of the jealous feelings and not jump to false conclusions?<BR>

Dear hopeful1771:<P>I know what you are going through. I, too, am the jealose type. I have been trying to work on it, but I don't know how much real headway I'm making. My therapist a.k.a. the goddess tries to help me control these obsessive thoughts. The method I have been trying to use is this: well, I write down each illogical thought on a note card (one per card)then I try to refute it logically. For example, my h has recently begun to do things differently (working more on his appearance, etc.) I, of course got a little freaked. So I wrote on a card the illogical thought " my H's change in behavior indicates a lack of interest in me, (an interest in someone else?)Then, on the back of the card I begin to refute: 1) i have no tangible evidence that he is having an affair, 2)He is working later because there is a posibility that he has more responsibilities, etc....<P>I write quite a lot of reasons why I feel the illogical thought and then refute each and every one of them. After this exercise thought, I sit once or twice a day and sort of memorize them. This helps when the green monster strikes. Stange illogical feelings of jealosy usually come out of the blue. When you have some rational thoughts memorized, it's easier to fight off the demon. Another thing that has actually helped me immensly is the notion that I am an independent functioning woman. I think that jealosy happens sometimes when we have a feeling of a lack of control. My therapist said that even if he is having an affair that the way I have been worried, in the end, won't help me. Rather, it will hurt me.<P>I don't know if any of this helps. I have been struggling with jealosy and this overwhelming sense of doom when it comes to my relationship. I don't always pratice what I preach and have screwed up big time in the jealosy department in the past. The things my therapist passed on to me really really helped though.<P>take care<P>oak

Hey guys, <P>Please help me with this. I really need the help with this

Hopeful,<P>I want to be able to help you by reminding you that beauty comes from within. Yet, I do know how hard that concept is to accept about yourself. It is especially difficult to overcome when we are bombarded by "societal" norms.<P>I think the way to get at it is to try very hard to work from within.<P>Finding something to do that makes you feel good about yourself... is a good exercise.<P>I'll come back and follow the post and see what others write. I'll look for you further posts and listen! to you.

A couple of things. First off I think there is an article somewhere here on marriagebuilders that talks about affair proofing your marriage. A person that feels loved and is happy in their marriage is much less likely to have an affair. Work on keeping or making your marriage very strong. You also have to remember that you still notice pretty people married or not married. Your husband's comment about her being pretty is not out of line. You notice that she's pretty, thin etc....so why shouldn't he? I guess the best advice I can give you is to work on the two of you and keeping a strong marriage. In my first marriage it wasn't strong. I had no admiration for him, no attraction and well, we just lacked a lot and I had an affair. I've learned from my past mistakes and I read marriage builders because I want to keep my marriage strong. Because my husband and I work hard at meeting each others needs and loving each other I think we are about as "affair proof" as you can get. I work with a lot of attractive and educated men about my age. Do I notice that they are attractive and educated?? Of course. Would I have an affair with any of them if the opportunity ever came up? Absolutely not. I can't wait until the end of each day to get home to my husband because I miss him. Work on your marriage. Keep it strong and the more confident you feel in your marriage the less jealous you'll feel.

BonnieSept<P>I know that my H noticing and saying something about our friend being pretty in normal. I actually don't even mind if he says so but I guess why I get upset about it is because he tells me she is pretty but he says nothing about how I look. I guess when he says she is pretty and says nothing to me I get jealous because I feel it's saying she's pretty and I'm not. Kind of like this other woman is pretty and my wife is ugly. Maybe I just need to work on my self confidence and self esteem

I'm not so sure it's jealousy but it may be fear. I always trusted my H to have female friends. In fact his OW who is a co-worker started out as a friendship & of course became much more 1 year later. I had dinner with her & her H a couple of times. My H would sometimes spend time with her - becoming his recreational partner but the A was not happening at this point. I think twice now before letting him go anywhere with a female friend. I don't want to see him confiding in another female. It's not jealousy. I simply see it as a threat.

Searching for Hope <P>For me it is jealousy not a threat. I'm the one who had the affair and I could see if my H thought it would be a threat if I had male friends. I know deep down he would never have an affair with this woman<BR>

Have you thought that your jealosey may be "guilt" ? To justify your own behaviour?<BR>If you HAD and affair maybe you wouldn't feel so guilty if he has one....?<BR>I mean I am sure there are alot of insecurtities on your part and you will have to work on that. <BR>Knowing that you are no longer in an affair and trying to help your H meet your needs, will help.<BR>Tell him that you are insecure about this, that one of your needs is admiration and what you need him to do or say.<BR>If he knows about the affair I am sure he will want to glady meet your need...<BR>Not have an affair to get even!!!<BR>Read his needs her needs if you haven't.<BR>A good place to get both of you talking if he is willing....<BR>My best to you both.....

Tyra<P>Thanks for your response. I never thought of it that way. I have mentioned to my H before that I thought it would do me some good if he had an affair and maybe that is what my mind is trying to do with this situation

Hi Hopeful1771,<P>Just have a minute, but have been reading your story for a long long time. You know in light of what others have said to you, I would like to make a suggestion.<P>I would like to suggest that you sit down and completely rethink this whole affair thing. I believe that you and H have somethings backwards after all of this time. <P>Now I am not being funny and I realize that the affair and your leaving H were very tramatic, damaging things, <B>BUT</B> some very good things have come from your affair and neither of you are really paying attention to the good only the bad.<P>So let me make a list of things that I see from what I remember about your story.<P>1. You learned that you love your H very much.<P>2. H learned that he loved you very much.<P>3. Proof of that love; the surviving of the affair.<P>4. You have learned how to stand on your own feet, especially where your family (mother) is concerned. I recall the letter you sent her. That took a lot of guts.<P>5. You two are still married and love each other.<P>6. You are jealous of your H. There was a time when you wanted to leave.<P>7. Your H is much more sensitive to you and how you feel.<P>8. You are much more sensitive to your H and how he feels.<P>9. You have a beautiful healthy child to love and raise and after losing that child your H really really apprecites this child.<P>10. You don't have anything to fear from your H. He has seen the worst and is still with you and loves you. You can share anything with him now, he has seen the worst and withstood it.<P>I could go on Hopeful, but I hope you get my point. You are focusing on the negative, but the positives that have come out of this affair may actually out weigh the negatives. <BR>Now obviously there had to be a better way to grow up, develop the marriage and test each others strength. However, it was done this was so this is the way it was done. You two have learned so much, your marriage is so much better, you know your H so much better.<P>Hopeful, it is time to look at your H and your marriage not as something you have hurt and damaged but as something that is good for all of the pain and worth cherishing.<P>You don't cherish something by worrying about it. You cherish it by nuturing it, polishing it, protecting it, and most of all enjoying it. It is like good silver and crystal, it is really only a joy when you use it, not when it is put away so it won't get damaged.<P>Hopeful, your jealousy comes from you feeling you don't belong in this marriage, you don't deserve this marriage, you failed this marriage. The reality is that none of that is true, not a single word. <P>You belong in this marriage because you love your H and more importantly he loves and accepts you. You deserve this marriage because you decided to come back and make it work. And finally you certainly didn't fail the marriage, you didn't divorce your H rather you came back faced his pain and anger, your guilt and you have made it work.<P>Hopeful, you deserve this marriage and it is time you started to enjoy it along with your H.<P>Please think about this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL