Guys,<BR>H and I talked last night. He was okay, i guess. He did finally mentiont the affair. I told him "You never want to discuss this with me" He said "Im reminded of it every time I go to my truck". "Om is the one that always done the work on my truck, So that slaps me in the face every day"<BR>I hadnt thought of it that way. I said "See that is exactly why we need counseling. So we can understand. He is still holding baggage from when I left him. He said that when I left I ust played with his feelings. I told him at that point i was a lunatic. I was not aware of my life. I was just SCREWED up in the head. <BR>I think that really messed with his head <BR>This is the thrid time that he has mentioned that. He is still holding that fact that I betrayed him. <BR>I told him taht OM was making me freak out. He was saying move into my parents condo. Get out of there. BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!<P>The couseling thing is still a ""NO" at this point. I asked if it was pride he said "Mostly". So then I had to say (because you cant beat around the bush with him)"What is more important here?" "Marriage or Pride?" Of course that made him mad. I told him I didnt mean to be so blunt but I had tried everyway in the world to say that but to come out and say it. <P>I told him that I felt that we were roommates! And that I didnt even know him anymore. Like we were friends or something. well I cant really say friends. As I look back. I think I disconnected emotionally from him years ago. I was so scared of getting hurt again. I guess taht is what it was! Who knows! <P>He told me that I never wanted to go to the races with him. Or any of the sporting events with him. All the things that he fell in love with me for I wasnt doing. I was the one that got him interested in all of this stuff since I was raised around. He never had an interest. Then I just quit going. He said he realized that he contributed to alot of my sickness and to the affair. He will accept that responibility. <P>HE JUST FEELS SO BETRAYED! <P>By this time I was crying. He hates it when I cry. And refuses to talk. I told him that I felt like my life was falling apart and didnt want to lose the one that I loved the most. <P>I told him in 6 months we were going to re-evaluate how things were going. He quickly informed me that I was the Judge, Jury and Executioner.<BR>Judge- because I was judging the marriage.<BR>Jury-becaseu I would decide when it was over.<BR>Ex- because I would give it a time limit. <P>I said "I do not mean it in that way at all" All I am saying is this "I have tried here and so have you". "We did not do what we said we would do" "This is the last chance". "Not for you, but for me as well." "We never talk about plans for the futre". "We never discuss a family". Which we dont do that. I always said that I didnt want children. To be honest, as I get olderr I think abou tit. I do want a family. I am just indecided on wheter he should be the father. <P>He did tell me that he would not sign divorce papers if it came to that. He did not believe in divorce and he would not allow it to happen. I said "So, you want us to hang in limbo forever?" He said "No, He was perfectly happy with the way things were right now".<P>I haev promised to meet his needs. I will kill myself trying to do this. When I get ill just remind me taht I promised myself. His needs are:<BR>Domestic-Cook more often.<BR>Financial Freedom-he is thinking about that to divide the money so he isnt ill at me all the time. <BR>Pysical Attractiveness- Lose about 40 lbs.<BR>Companionship- Gosh, he hunts. I dont want to do that. He is big into Archery and all that. He goes to Bow tournaments and all. He said he wished I had an interest in taht. <BR>Conversation- Just to talk.<P>He thoght that I was so much fun. He said he did admire me. He was just never ever brought up around compilments. He admired my personality. THat I made everyone laugh, and everybody loved me. When I died he would be buried in flowers. LOL!!!<BR>I never knew this until last night. <BR>He does admire how i have handled my life considering the cards that were dealt to me. <P>Then the BIG ONE!!!<P>SPEND MORE TIME WITH MOM AND DAD!!!!!<BR>arrrrrrggggggggg!!!!!!!!<P>I dont need to spend tiem there. I need to spend time with him. He said that they are at the barn everyday, and i never go talk to them. He is right I dont. I have so mcuh to do. <P>So this is the scoop on it as of now! We are both thinking of ways that we can make this work. i.e. money thing.<P>I have an appointment today with my counselor. I told him taht I was going to go on to counseling. So I could learn to deal with my life better at this point. <BR>Our insurane doesnt pay for marrige counseling. SO that is a big thing for him. I have no idea what it cost. So I am going to check on that. Maybe even Dr. Harley. The rates may be about the same. <P>I need your prayers. I have the OM thought in my mind today. I think that will diminish in time. I can pat myself on hte back for that one Right!!!!!!<P>We need your prayers<BR>Renee<P><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

I need lots of suggestions here.. <BR>What should I tell him tonight?<BR>This is like taking control of my life.....<BR> <P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Oh Yeah!<P>I forgot to mention that he said he had not forgiven me for the affair. He sais he didnt think that he could. That was just something that was unforgivable to him. <P>I am just going to vent for a second!!!<P>WOW! The things that I have forgiven him for...<P>1. The controlling male attitude.<BR>2. The "your with your family to much" So I broke away from that. <BR>3. You need to lose weight.<BR>4. The father issue

Oh Yeah!<P>I forgot to mention that he said he had not forgiven me for the affair. He sais he didnt think that he could. That was just something that was unforgivable to him. <P>I am just going to vent for a second!!!<P>WOW! The things that I have forgiven him for...<P>1. The controlling male attitude.<BR>2. The "your with your family to much" So I broke away from that. <BR>3. You need to lose weight.<BR>4. The father issue.. That dad was number 1.<P>Last but not least....THE 2 DANG NERVOUSE BREAKDOWNS THAT I HAVE HAD. BECASUE OF HI S****!!!!!!! I LOST COMPLETE MEMORY, HAD TO LEARN TO TALK, WALK AND EAT ALL OVER AGAIN. THIS WAS AT THE AGE OF 23...WHEN I REALLY WANTED TO BUST HIS HEAD. HE KNEW HE WAS THE CAUSE FOR IT...THE DAYS THAT I SPENT IN THE HOSPITAL OVER THIS MARRIAGE..<P>AND HE CANT FORGIVE ME???????????<P><BR>Ok! That is enough of the pity trip. I just wanted to get it out. I knew I would tell him that if I didnt.. <P>Is it worht it??? I just wonder at times.. If it doesnt work i can atleast say I tried.<BR> <BR>

Hi Inamess,<P>To be honest in some respects we are in the same boat. No I am not the WS but the family issue rings a major cord with me. <P>Tony lives and breaths by what his Mom says. IT would take a bomb to cut the cord and then it still might be tied between the two of them. In fact I could care less for the entire family. How can six very selfish individuals all live in the same house? They all hate me expecially his Mom. For three years now it has been one campaign after the other to break us up. It is old. Tony will never change. I just do not see them any more unless I have too.<P>My guess is your H is never going to change either. I am lucky in the instance that I did not cheat; Tony did. You are in a bit of a jam see I am guessing in your H's view point he feels you should have to compromise more than him. Please understand I am not placing blame. I am sure this is how Tony and his family would feel. He@# Tony cheated and they think I am the one who caused it and blame me for his lack of morals. <P>Second, Tony wants me to do everything he likes to do. His main sport is snowmobiling. I try to go as much as I can. I like some aspects of it. I have no real way of staying warm. I get cold very easy and I have suffered hypothermia. Since than I have been firmer in when I will go and not go. Maybe go with him when he competes. Think of it as a chance the two of you can go off and do something together. I like to watch Tony do his sports.<P>Just see where you can incorporate POJA. Also ask yourself why you hate his family. I know why I hate Tony's. They are mean to me. Pure and simple. They have never been nice to me and constently intrude in every aspect of my life. They are annoyed that I have a good job and a promising career. They are so messed up in the head that I do not even bother to try. But if you hate his family just because he spends so much time with them. Then maybe join them sometimes. It is not like his parents will live forever.

Pahakissa,<P>I know what your saying. I do not hate my H family though. I adore his mother. He is the perfect "woman of the bible". <BR>For God knows that I would not have put up with the crap that she has. The controlling father. They always drop whatever to maek dad happy. That way he doesnt throw a fit on them. This is the most childish man taht I have ever seen.<P>You would hit the floor on some of the stuff that he has done. he makes me sick!!!! he really makes me want to vomit!!!!!!<P>I hate the smartass that he is. I hate the way that he treats my H and his mother. And they kiss his @ss and cater to him. He knows they will do it.<P>So there ya have it!!!!!!!<P>Is it illegal to shoot FIL?<BR>LOL!<P>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

inamess:<P>Keep talking a need of his. The weight loss thing, well that is a need as well. My h need as well. The infidelity diet is the pits. I am loosing more weight then I should.<P>But understand he is hurting as well. And yes you have had to put with allot. I think in time he can forgive you, but time is what it will take.<P>Just remember to turn to him, when thoughts go over to om. I bet he is stronger then you give me credit for, he is still with you. He LOVES you!!!!!!<P>Judy<p>[This message has been edited by bighope (edited August 18, 2000).]

Judy,<P>Thanks so much for the reply. I hope this gave you some light on your situation. Not that it is like mine. I just think it is to hard for EVERYONE to do.<P>How can I get him to open up? He said if I dont open up to you then what makes u think i will open up to a counselor?<P>Just keep me motivated here.. I want to walk already.<P>Prayers to you Judy<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Imamess,<P>Well, you have been given a whole lot to work with.<P>Right or wrong, it looks like your H has given you a pretty clear picture of where his head is at.<P>The ball is in your court and if you want to get out of your current conditions, you are going to have to pick it up and play it.<P>You know you can complain about your H all day long and how YOUR needs are not met, but the truth is you can't control his behavior. You can only control your behavior. YOU can only control YOUR OWN behavior. I know that is what you want to do and that is what you are seeking help to do, so you are definetely on the RIGHT ROAD.<P>I've never seen a counselor and I am certainly not discouraging you, in fact I think it is great! However, if that is not an option, or long term option, if you just went with the information on this sight, or read a few good books and consistantly applied what you learned, I think you would make tremendous headway.<P>We all need some direction, some accountability and a whole lot of encouragement, but most of all we need to take action for our own benefit and for the benefit of our relationships. You will find no magic answer. Whatever course of action you choose will take mostly hard work and consistant effort.<P>I think in a nutshell your H is telling you he is tired, confused and hurt. It sounds like he isn't an emotional dynamo, so imamess, it may be up to you to take the emotional reigns of your marriage, fair or not, for a while. My H is as clueless as they get and I pretty much know that that is my job. If I don't do it, it won't get done. That's OK, if he didn't do some stuff that contributes to the relationship, it wouldn't get done, either.<P>Better news yet is a few things your H told you, you can work on whether you feel like it or not.<P>Recreational companionship. Hunting would not be for me either, but what about the other stuff you talked about? I bet if you even got enthused and supported his hunting it would go a long way. Get creative!<P>And about his family, bit the bullet and be DIL extrordinaire for now...at least with your MIL.<P>Why? Is it fair? Maybe not, but your H is probibly caught between you and his family. If his family can sense problems, of course they might tend to feel sorry for H and critical of you, especially if you reinforse that feeling by being unavailable or not all that nice.<P>Maybe your H is too tied up with family. Solve that latter. I am betting if he feels more secure with you and his family sees him happy with you, he will be more likely to make steps to solve the problem and his family may be as well. Just ignore your FIL as much as possible, but at least be nice and be civil at all times. If your MIL is easy, focus on her. In your FIL's own crude way, that might do wonders, anyway. Who knows?<P>Working on the family thing and recreational companionship may take loads of effort and clear self disapline, but you need not "feel" any differently as you work on these things.<P>And about your H saying the A was unforgivable? Don't worry about that too much right now either. He is hurting, but does not seem able to maybe work through his own feelings or accurately share them. <P>If he feels you are loving him and truly taking steps to healing your marriage, I bet his unforgiving attitude would melt like butter, given time and love.<P>What should you require of your H? In my humble opinion, not a whole lot at first. Let him see some changes within you. Maybe tell him what you are trying to do and ask him help you make these changes. <P>Anyway, gotta go...just some thoughts. Take care and be consistant!<P>