I know I'm supposed to be in Plan B - but he keeps calling outside the hours he has set down in which to call.<P>I pick up the ph - and we talk. Sometimes not very much - sometimes I just hand the ph to d - but other calls sometimes we talk.<P>Not about anything in particular - he has NEVER said sorry, he has never mentioned reconciliation, he has said he is moving forward with her, but doesn't know if he loves her, she has met his parents, he has met hers,<P>I asked about divorce today - he was shocked into silence, and said he hadn't thought that far ahead. But did say he would agree to it. We have to wait 12 mths here, and I asked him if he would lie about our separation date, so we could get a divorce now. He said yes.<BR>Did say he didn't want to try and work on 'us', he wants to be with her, but he doesn't know where that is headed. Said he is still planning to move here, but doesn't know if he will bring OW with him.<P>I just want to divorce, and get out of this situation. He has no idea what he wants, who he wants. Surely he should know definitley after 6 months with her. I have been gone for 3 months now, 1000 kms away.<P>Plan B was/is great, but how do I stay on it when he doesnt call when he says he will, so I don't then pick up the ph.<P>Half the time I can't even make D speak to him - I have to bribe her, and get angry and tell her to speak to her Daddy. Why should I do all the hard work with children to foster a relationship for him with them, and he is giving nothing back to me in return.<P>I am one very confused and angry puppy right now.<P>Does this mean those missing feelings are coming back??<P>Jo

Bonnet-<P>I would not rush into a divorce or lie about the separation date, that could cause problems for you later.<P>I also would not force your D to talk to your H, she should be able to express herself as she sees fit and if that is not talking to her dad for now then that should be her right.<P>As far as the 6 month duration of this affair, that seems like a long time I know but it really isn't. It sounds like to me from what you just posted that your H is conderdicting himself and that is a sure sign of confusion.<P>Also, if the topic of divorce shocked him that much then I would suspect that he does not want one either and is just agreeing because you have lead him to believe that is wht you want. I don't think you should force him into making that decision now unless you are 100% sure that is what you want. Besides, sometimes that scares them back into reality. I may be wrong but it doesn't sound as if that is necessarily what you want rather but rather for it to just come to a conclusion of some type. <P>Might I suggest a caller ID, then you would know who it is before you answer or an answering machine to screen your calls?<P>Just don't make such a BIG decision as divorce until you are 100% sure that is what you want. To figure that out ask yourself how you would feel if he wanted to come back home?<P>If you haven't already, you may consider filing for the other issues like custody, child support and alimony for the time being but I'd hold off on the divorce for awhile.<P>Genie<BR>

Bonnet,<P>I agree with Genie. Don't promise or offer something you are not really ready to deliver. It sounds as if Austrailia is far more sensible about divorce than here in the states where it seems on can utter the D word and have it granted. <P>If you really want it then do it. But make sure it is not your frustration or memories of you adventure with OM that are making you think this. <P>If D does not want to speak to her Dad, ask her to tell her Dad that. Don't be the intermediary on this. In my opinion if you are he will think you are encouraging her. If he hears it from her it will have a considerable affect.<P>K stated this whole thing pretty well. Even if all of this stuff does not work. The ideas of Plan A (meeting needs) Plan B preseving love and such make the process of dealing with divorce a bit easier. <P>Still I would not give up yet. He has not been thinking about divorce. (Although you got to wonder, given the affair). It probably just a reminder of how big a fantasy it really is. He does still call and talk to you and he wants to stay in contact with your D. <P>Seems that all is not lost. It may just take sometime. Meanwhile work on you. This whole thing will lead to you being more confident, and a better mate for your H or someone else.<P>It sounds like the someone else issue is really not a problem . It would seem you have all the attributes to find another man.<P>Keep going and have confidence in youself. You are doing very well. But don't talk the D word unless you are ready. <P>Good Luck and God Bless<P>JL

Bonnet,<P>Hello. Thank you for responding to my post when you are obviously in such pain yourself. That was very kind and unselfish of you. Especially considering my husband is home. I should thank God more for the blessings I have.<P>I think Genie gave good advise. Especially on the caller ID. I think your husband is thinking twice and don't go for that divorce and not any sooner then it would be allowed. I know one thing I kept telling myself in the beginning is that I wouldn't divorce and if he filed I would make it take as long as it possibly could. Even if it meant eating up everything I would obtain in the divorce. <P>Always remember you are a special person and you deserve the best because God wants the best for you. If your husband is the best then hang on tight and hard. Remember he said he didn't know how he felt about OW. I always say "If it is born of deceit then how can it ever survive and be wonderful?" I don't think it can.<P>In the meantime big HUGS and know that you are in my prayers. <P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Hello Bonnet,<P>I had to post this somewhere on this board and your situation looks so similar.<P>Through a businss transaction I was forced to watch an affair from the perspective of the OW and infidel husband. Way back when it started happening I posted here because it made me ill. I got headaches, I cried and every time his wife made a move I spent long minutes hidden in the ladies getting my head together. The details are revolting.<P>They carried on for months, sneaking, lies, etc. The affair was discovered and he moved from IN to PA leaving his wife and child. I knew what hell was going on in IN. They did this in July. As of two days ago he's on his way back to his wife in IN. He did tell her that maybe she could move there in 6 months if he could get his wife to accept her!!!<P>If you love him hang on Bonnet. There is MUCH happening that you don't know about. --- Come on Genie help me here !!<P>I know it's hard to see but your H is displaying some very common infidel traits that spell .... will return when head is out of butt.<P>Hang Time Bonnet

Jo,<P>Thank you for your support and encouragement last night.<P>I have no experience to share with you only what I've read in SAA.<P>As long as an affair is ongoing reconciliation is hopeless.<P>If you can hold on I believe you will eventualy get the break you need.<P>Robin and I are separated and she is still involved w/D-head. The only thing I can do is make myself more atractive to her than him.<P>I have no idea how long that will take and I haven't given myself a timetable.<P>I do know that her fantacy is fadeing. After all he is a looser dope fiend, with ZERO social skills. He smokes so much pot, takes so many pills, and drinks so many beers that he tends to nod-off on the couch while she is talking to him. Some relationship.<P>Enough about me this is your thread.<P>All I can say is hang in there and I'm still praying for you.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi, Jo. <P>These other guys have said it all. So I'm just stopping in to say Hello and I'm listening.<P>Just be strong and take it day by day. You never know what tomorrow will bring. And it might just be something GOOD for a change!!!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Jo,<P>No pearls of wisdom to offer, just some hugs for all the confusion. I UNDERSTAND, being thoroughly confused myself! <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bonnet}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Roll Me Away<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Jo<P>It sounds like it is tough for you at the moment.<P>Genie29 has given good advise. I beleive if you start forcing the issue of divorce you put the thoughts in his mind that you are no longer interested in reconciliation. Fine if that is what you really want, but I don't think it is.<P>You are in such a similar situation to mine. My W still wants to best of friends but the OM is still pulling all the strings and pushing all the right buttons at present.<P>Until this relationship falls on harder times all my efforts are wasted and I believe you are in the same situation. All we can do at present is make ourselves attractive alternatives for when the inevitable breakup occurs. <P>I am moving back to Melbourne next week which is commencement of Plan B. My wife is getting more concerned as time goes by as she sees herself being left here in Perth with only the support of the OM. She wants me to stay (in other words have her cake and eat it to).<P>You are brave having entered Plan B and need to trust that given time either it will work out or you will be in a better position to move on yourself.<P>At the end of the day either way you will have become such a better person.<P>Take care<BR>Fairenough

Bonnet:<BR>It's only been, what, 12 weeks? Give Plan B some time. Right now you've got all the time in the world, 9 months to be exact.<P>Try and look at it from another point of view. Let's say, it takes them (H and OW) 1-3 months to get over the thrill of finally being together, moving in together, etc. Then maybe another couple of months for them to develop routines, and another couple of months for the routines to become boring, for reality to enter their relationship. Once their everyday lives are no longer euphoric and they start to contend with normal stresses; like paying bills, dentist appointments, shopping , etc., the fantasy bubble will burst (or at least start to tear). Remember, they haven't developed the same coping mechanisms in their relationship that you and your H had (even if it didn't work well - but I think it did or otherwise your relationship would have suffered sooner?)<P>Couple this with withdrawal from you and your D, his memories of your relationship (which just might get better the longer the time lapses considering how his situation is turning out), social and moral guilt he might feel, and possible pressure from his family and friends, your H might just come running back.<P>But you do need to allow him time to get to that point, and Aussie law has taken that into account. <B>PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT LIE </B> about your seperation date. No good can come from it. When I first found out about my H, I thought about overcoming this aspect of the law by lying too, but now have found that the law is really in my favour, and allows me the time we need before severing all ties. It allows him to work things through on his own, for his decision to return should be his alone (without undue pressure) and it gives you the opportunity to bring about any changes with you and within you that will make life better. And if, at the end of that time, you still want the <B>D</B> then go for it. The time will not have been wasted.<P>I agree with Genie, get caller ID. It costs about $49 at Harvey Norman, and would help you implement the strictest Plan B you've ever dreamed of. H watch out!<P>Just some of my thoughts, please don't be offended.<P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I>

Hey Bonnet,<P>The short and sweet of it. Next time he calls outside the preset hours.<P>Ask him:<P>1. Does this have anything to do with the children?<P>2. Are you ready for compete separation from the OW and ready to work on the marriage?<P>If the answers are no politely tell him that there is nothing presently to discuss and wish him a nice day, See ya, Bye.<P>I believe he is testing the waters. Stay tough! Don't throw him a life preserver.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Jo,<P>I've come to find out that it is essential to enforce a STRICT Plan B. I had quite an interesting night last night. I am about to document it in a separate post. Genie was right! Stay the course.

Bonnet: You've received some excellent advice here. I don't have anything to add but stay strong!