Hi,<BR>Have posted in 'just found out' a few days ago, have read lots since then but still am not clear on a couple of issues. Perhaps someone out there can offer some advice.<P>My H says A is over (I'm hearing this for the second time!), but has offered me no proof. If I discover new evidence to the contrary - should I confront him, and if so, how?<P>Also is it possible to have a successful Plan A if the A is still ongoing?<P>I'm going through a really bad time right now and would be grateful for any lifelines.<P>Thanks everyone,<BR>Trisha

Trisha,<P>You are in the right place, even though many of us are finding that we cannot get our WS back. We do find ourselves and the peace we so desperitly need.<P>Fom what I 've seen in alot of the survivors the plan-a works...<P>Read all of the basic concepts...learn them and live them...<P>Get and read Dr.H's books...the will give you a greater understanding of what we are all about...that is the MB principles...<P>I also suggest counceling w/Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley-Chalmers(sp?)...they have a keen insight to infidelity and get good results...<P>Let us know how things go...we will walk through this with you....you are not alone...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by trisha:<BR><B>If I discover new evidence to the contrary - should I confront him, and if so, how?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've been through this. If you discover more evidence, the proper way to confront is <I>not</I> the way I did it. <P>If I had it to do over, I would have kept the evidence to myself and somehow, some way found a way to live with it. My experience is that confrontation has two negative consequences: it drives the spouse away, and it teaches them how to avoid revealing info the next time. So my answer to this question would be no, don't confront again. Use the info to measure your Plan A progress, but don't let him know you are watching him. If you really really have to confront him, don't set him up to lie to you. Calmly let him know that you know something, tell him what it is, and keep your expectations low.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by trisha:<BR><B>Also is it possible to have a successful Plan A if the A is still ongoing?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Some people have done a great, successful plan A while their spouse was openly living with the OP and actively pursuing divorce. Look for posts by lostva, she's one of the most incredible sources of encouragement and advice here. Another awesome poster in my opinion is K. He's been through the wringer more than once and he has Plan B experience too, so he knows about the stuff he's talking about. Definitely worth listening to. There are many many others too.<P>I've been in counseling with Jennifer @ MB for several months and she's wonderful. She's helped me through more bad spots than I can even remember now. I'd highly recommend her if you can swing it. I remember complaining to her about my wife's behavior and asking if she thought my wife was still in the midst of an affair, and her reply was so wise: "It doesn't matter if she is or not, it's not going to change what you should do." I sure had a lot of thinking to do after hearing that.<P>So, after all that: Is it possible to plan A if the A is ongoing? Yep, it's not only possible but expected. I know it's hard, and so do a bunch of other people that post here regularly. It's dang hard, in fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's doable and we're all here to help you through it. We're all here struggling together...you are not alone in this.<P>Slightly Sane<P><p>[This message has been edited by o2bsane (edited September 09, 2000).]

trisha,<P>excellent post by O2bsane! I also did plan A while affiar was still a reality. I think it is a combination of Plan A and the fact that the A is not a secret anymore that really makes things work in the BS favor. <P>I found a multitude of evidence. More than I really needed which left me with very vivid images. I did not divulge the majority of what I knew and have not even since we have begun recovery. It is not as important as my realtionship with him is. I did, however, let him know that i knew when there was contact and that i was not accepting of the lies and betrayal and was not willing to live that way. I yelled it once but then discovered he was not very receptive to that. Stick to the Plan A method. I'm rooting for you.

Welcome Trisha:<P>One mistake I think we all make at the beginning of this mess is to concentrate on the nuts and bolts of the affair when really we should be concentrating on what was wrong with our marriage that resulted in an affair.<P>We seem determined to torture ourselves with the whys and hows of the affair. The only lessons we can learn from this are clues as to what our WS emotional needs are and why OP is more successful at meeting those needs then we are. Whether it has ended or is still ongoing is really out of our control, but is important only because it has a strong determining factor in how much the WS is willing to work on the marriage. Perhpas it is enough to let this be your wakeup call that your marriage is in serious trouble.<P>Do you want to save this marriage? If so, then get busy familiarizing yourself with the MB principles and do some reading (the recomment books and postings). Use your time to do a little introspection and analysis of causes and effects relative to why your marriage is in trouble.<P>I think we think if we know all the details that there will be some revelation in that knowledge. There's not, there's only further pain. Aim your discussions with your H toward what went wrong with your marriage and how it can be fixed and ignore the affair. Nothing can change the fact that it happened, but you can move past it if you let yourself and begin to heal.<P>An ongoing affair is more difficult to deal with because the WS's focus is divided between the S and the OP, and the WS is often not willing to work on repairing the marriage. Your job then becomes to convince the WS that there is value in your relationship and the marriage, enough to serve as compensation for his loss of his "wonderful" fantasy relationship. Hopeful this will come about just as the "light of reality" reveals the faults<BR>of the other relationship. <P>Please let us know how you're doing.<P>Buffy