Mike C2 - I don't know about that one. . .I'm not going to blast you for thinking out loud, but what happens if his wife ever finds out what he did? Surely the OM - whether he's scared or not - would probably find some way to contact the WS and let her know what a dishonest H she has - and at minimum make sure that he the FS doesn't tell the OM's W. . .<P>I don't know, it sounds like a good idea, if you could gaurantee that the OM would never call again and talk to the WS. I think she's bound to find out one way or another and how would she then be able to be completely honest when her H has been dishonest? I don't know, I think it could be a receipe for disaster. . .I wouldn't rule it out. . .But, I think it should be a last resort kind of thing. Plus, what if the OM does call again - - would the FS be willing to tell the OM's W and if so, maybe the OM will beat him to the punch - the one that will look bad is the FS. . .The OM's W might resent being told, whatever. . . <P>At any rate, I don't think the FS should have to compromise his integrity to stop this thing. . .and his wife may actually go in an opposite direction - her H is bascically "Telling her what to do" kind of thing - versus her reaching her own conclusions. I think this has to come from within the WS. . .<P>So, I'm not saying yeah or nay to your idea. . .But I don't know if I would feel comfortable choosing that route. . .<p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited September 08, 2000).]

Mike:<P>When undertaking any action, ask this question:<P>Will {the action} increase or decrease my balance in my wife's "love bank"?<P>If it's decrease, you really shouldn't do it. Now, there are ways around this (for example, SHA discussing with his wife, via POJA, that he would like to do this), but in general, it's a bad idea. Especially when your spouse isn't "in love" with you in the first place.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by SKM:<BR><B>Mike C2 - I don't know about that one. . .I'm not going to blast you for thinking out loud, but what happens if his wife ever finds out what he did? Surely the OM - whether he's scared or not - would probably find some way to contact the WS and let her know what a dishonest H she has - and at minimum make sure that he the FS doesn't tell the OM's W. . .</B><P>Would he? I don't know. My communication would make it abundantly clear that any communication other than the required no contact email would result in disclosure to the OM's W.<P>As far as the honesty/dishonesty thing....well, you are right. Is it dishonest to candidly inform a BS of her husband's actions? Is it dishonest to decide that the line to do so is only reached by further contact? <P>I hardly think the parties involved have any high moral ground to stand on in terms of honesty. I'd rather be dishonest in defense of my marriage than dishonest in pursuit of infidelity. I would certainly think that I could forgive my W fairly rapidly for most any action she took in defense of our marriage and family.<P>I'm not quibbling. By taking this step, you are breaking the rule of honest by not disclosing your action. And I agree, it is a strategy of last resort. <P>By the way, it makes little sense to actually follow through and inform the OP's spiuse, in my mind. The OP might just wind up out on the street as a free man.<P><Shrug> Hey, what can I tell you. I'm a confrontational east coast kinda guy. I'd consider this classier than punching the guy out.<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by K:<BR><B>When undertaking any action, ask this question: Will {the action} increase or decrease my balance in my wife's "love bank"?</B><P>Hello, Obi-wan,<P>It appears to me that SHA's W's lovebank is sort of a moot issue right now....closed to him while this OM is in the picture.<P>What if the pondered action is "Separating my W from the OM forever?"<P>Surely the path to a recovered marriage would be enhanced by the OM "dumping" the WS, rather than maintaining this flirtatious clandestine correspondence (or worse). If a little off line man-to-man conversation could facilitate that.....<P>

SHA,<P>Did your wife ever send the OM a no contact letter??<P>There really is a lot of wisdom in the Harley's insistence on this.<P>I don't agree with Mike's suggestion. I think you are right to confront her. You will then need to know where to go from there based on her reaction. Peppermint has a good thread on this same subject in a question to K. I also found our no contact letter and posted it in case it is helpful.<P>Praying for you, bro. These are hard times.<P>Sifted, I feel much like you do even though I'm the BS. My h is slowly making changes, but I still feel only half alive. I too was neglected by my h for years. The only difference is that he had the A.<P>I have this suspicion that I'm going to have to deal with my feelings myself, that they are not going to change by themselves, what do you think??

Sorry all for jumping in on this thread, but there is something that I simply don't understand. I love my wife very, very much, but I don't want her any way, at any cost. I know this is marriagebuilders and that the primary goal here is to save marriages, but I wonder just how much people are willing to live with in order to be with their spouses. I know that love is a strong emotion, but sometimes I wonder is it love or is it the fear of the unknown that makes people hold on, no matter what. Take for example this quote, btw, this isn't the first time I have heard this on this site,...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>By the way, it makes little sense to actually follow through and inform the OP's spouse, in my mind. The OP might just wind up out on the street as a free man.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What I don't understand is this, why would someone want to be with a spouse who would leave you the minute the OP became available? I will reiterate that I love my wife very, very much, but if I have to make decisions in my life that take into consideration if it will make the OP available or not, or if I have to walk around every day making decisions based upon whether or not I look good in comparison to the OP, that's not a life I want to live with anybody, to me, no marriage is worth all of that. <P>I'm not trying to slam anybody, so please don't take it as such, I'm just trying to understand why a person would want a spouse that would leave them for someone else if that OP becomes available, is that truly a marriage? <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by F A:<BR><B>I'm not trying to slam anybody, so please don't take it as such, I'm just trying to understand why a person would want a spouse that would leave them for someone else if that OP becomes available, is that truly a marriage? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>LOL....dude, by the time you post 500 messages on this board, you can guarantee that you are not involved in something that is "truly a marriage".<P>The goal here is to resurrect your family and your relationship. If we all stood ramrod straight on our pride, this board would have more divorces than a Gabor reunion.<P>I'm not coming from experience on infidelity, I said that. My pride says that if my wife strayed, I'd be gone. Of course, I have to walk by four sleeping children to walk out the door. So...maybe you wind up strategizing and fighting in order to save your marriage. If that means threatening the sleeze who is cheating on HIS wife with YOUR wife....I'm up for that, I think. If you can call honest disclosure of facts a threat.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited September 08, 2000).]

I know I intended to respond to this thread ... And I might have already - but the past week or so has definitely caused a small amount of brain damage, I think, so I am simply going to say:<P>SHA, this really sucks. I hope things get better for you, and your wife wakes up from the fog once again.<P>If this message is a duplicate, please excuse my poor tired brain cells. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

<BR>Back to the top...<P>SHA, how are you?<P>