My wife had an intense Internet affair with a man overseas. She never met him in person, but she spoke with him on the phone and had very personal conversations with him. She even sent exposing pictures of herself to him. She has never stopped communicating with him even though she said she would. She gets things from him that she feels I cannot provide. I feel that she is sharing her personal feelings and emotions with another man. That to me is cheating our marriage. Any thoughts?<P>Kindest Regards,<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>

Welcome <B>Mike</B>...<P>You really are in the right place...<BR>...and yes... <B>this is an affair too</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>--------------------------------------------<P>A few more thoughts...<P>What your W is doing still counts as an affair... we normally call it an "Emotional Affair"(EA) here... but it is an affair!<P>It is robbing time away from your need (and it must be treated as a need not a want) to build/re-build your marriage.<P>I don't know all the details of your situation... but you may want to consider some counseling... let her know this is "serious" in your eyes!!!<BR>Perhaps... a copule of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>! Consider this only after reading <B>everything</B> you can on this these site! Again start off at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A> post!<P>After doing some reading here... start immediately on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and hopefully... when you can get to a point of Marriage Building... try out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... It is a foundation of solid marriage from which <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A> can be built!<P>Building your marriage will take some hard work...<BR>...but if you read any of the posts here and on the GQ forum... you'll find it is so much better than ... separations... or even divorce!<P>Do get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... it is the bible to these forums!<P>Jim

Hello Mike,<P>The feelings of betrayal are just the same whether you consider this an affair or not...<P>However there are a few bonuses on your side that would be worthy of consideration...<P>1. It is not a physical affair as well at this point...<P>2. The distance between them is an advantage for now....<P>3. People do tell big lies on the net and hopefully this guy is doing that with her....<P>4. You are here now to gain some answers for yourself from others of how to handle this, before you add further damage and alienation from her more than maybe is necessary...<P>I have been thru this myself and have resolved it satisfactorily but it took some courage and withholding of LB's anger, frustration, hurt etc....<P>You will do it your way of course and it will be right for you as we are all individuals with individual lessons...<P>I will tell of my experience in the hope it may give you an idea or two that may help....<P>My W and I agreed on an openess after a lot of discussion and expressing both our feelings and I decided to support her while she went thru this phase in her life....telling her that I could understand why this guy fancied her the way he did because she was such a nice lady and had extremely nice attributes to go with her personality gentleness and caring nature etc etc...<P>Although it near killed me to do this I could not see another way around it...because if I told her she was not to do it....she would do it when I was not around and I couldn't risk her turning resentful of me....adding fuel to the fire so to speak....and helping to make her affair into something more than it was...(or turned out to be)<P>She felt there was an area in her life she had not explored and wanted to do so and this guy made her feel like a teenager again...I pointed out to her that he did not make her feel like a teenager she did....and he was only the catalyst that I could not be as I was too close to her for that...(one of the reasons I decided to support her thru it)<P>In our case this worked very well and now she does not bother and has been very happy and thankful to me for my support of her and has told me to do the same, I did try but quite frankly I find cyber sex boring...so do not indulge...She had cyber affairs over a period of about 3 years on and off and never felt she wanted to leave home...<P>It taught me so much about myself and I am very thankful for the experience...I do hope you will get much for yourself from your experience too even tho it hurts like hell at times and some days really suck...<P>My best wishes go with you...<P>cossie...<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

I think it is yes<P>and it sound like you also agree but what does she think. <P>marriage builders information can only strenghen the relationship. Share this with her, no secrets on the net!! Good luck

Oh boy. You have no idea. After four years of marriage, my wife got involved in chat rooms. When I found out, I felt betrayed, cheated - it felt like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest. I can't describe the horrible, deep, physical and emotional pain that this caused.<P>I went so far as to remove the modem from the PC and locked it hidden away in my office. She was so obsessed that she forged my signature on one of my checks and got another modem.<P>She is now several thousand miles away and living with this guy. I have no job, have lost our house and everything in it, all our savings - everything. And am back living with my aged parents for the first time in twenty two years.<P>We have been separated for one year, and she has filed for divorce. Are online affairs cheating? Yeah. Not only that, but they can destroy your entire life. I suggest that you deal with it anyway that you can, and now.

Please read this Dr. Harley article on internet infidelity...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html</A> <BR>

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Mike,<BR>I am a wife who got caught up in an internet (emotional) affair. The thing with me was that I just continued a relationship that was in place in my life long before I met or married my H.<P>I didn't take things to the extreme of phone calls but it wasn't because my "internet lover" didn't want to. I just felt that a phone conversation would be to easy to track. The other man is also married.<P>My wake up call came the day that I realized that we were both cheating on our spouses. I personalized things a little more.<P>I know on more than one occasion my H wanted out of our marriage. I had to convince him that I wanted to stay married and that I was 100% commited to him and only him. I have given up contact with even just male friends to prove that I love my H more than anything and that I am willing to do all I can to help our marriage survive.<P>This all would have not been possible if my H would have given up. Don't give up on your W, keep showing her your love and your commitment to making your marriage work. There is always hope in your marriage until both of you give up.<P>H and I bought His Needs Her Needs: How to affair proof your marriage. It has a lot of great things in it. For the most part it opened my eyes to the fact that I continued having an emotional affair because I didn't feel that I was getting enough Affection from H. We have been working on that and I feel more secure in my marriage today than I did the day we got married.<P>Good luck and I hope that I have offered some help here.<P>Smile

Just read your post - I'm in a similar situation with my H, except he actually had internet affairs. They were mostly one night stands, but were becomming more involved.<P>It might not look like an internet affair is really an affair, but the emotions involved can actually catapult it into a physical affair. In my naive mind, I thought it was just a male fantasy my H had and didn't give it a second thought, until he wanted to go away for a weekend with one (it was a weekend stockholders meeting that I couldn't make and he didn't want to go alone).<P>Well, I finally came to my senses, found this site and started reading through all the materials and postings.<P>I bought the book His Needs/Her Needs (the library had the book, but there was a waiting list for it - it really is a good book!), started applying the principles, and voila!, things started getting better. He hasn't chatted online for a week now.<P>You need to start working on plan A, read the book if you can, stay positive and be very attentive.<P>If you don't nip this in the butt, she will eventually find someone on the internet that lives nearby to meet her needs. This can lead to a very serious addiction. <P>If your wife is like my husband, don't confront her and demand she stop. It will just make her more obstinate. Shower her with plan A, make her homelife a safe haven and give her lots of affection (not just sex!). You will find that she will want to spend more time with you than her computer!<P>Good luck and God Bless You!<P>ps: by the way, I changed my plans and am now attending the stockholders meeting with my H!<p>[This message has been edited by toots_007 (edited April 06, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by manderson:<BR><B>My wife had an intense Internet affair with a man overseas. She never met him in person, but she spoke with him on the phone and had very personal conversations with him. She even sent exposing pictures of herself to him. She has never stopped communicating with him even though she said she would. She gets things from him that she feels I cannot provide. I feel that she is sharing her personal feelings and emotions with another man. That to me is cheating our marriage. Any thoughts?<P>Kindest Regards,<P>Mike<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Mike,<P>My H is having a emotional affair on the internet.A couple of months ago he flew to her state to have dinner with her.One of his cell phone bills was $180.00,(he called her almost every night).<P> This emotional affair is the most painful thing I have ever dealt with.It not only effects me,but my children,and extented family on both sides.<P>I am in counseling with Steve Harley.Iam reading Surviving an Affair for the third time.I have also read His Needs, Her Needs,and Lovebusting.<P>This forum is better than a support group because you can post as often as you need to.<BR>Before I found this site I felt like I was the only person that had this problem.<P>Friends wonder why I stay with H. <P>On this forum I have found Encouragement to build my marriage, instead of discouragement<BR>offered by my "friends".<P>Keep posting, you have support here.bethn

Mike, this is most definitely cheating. My H had two on-line affairs that turned into one-night stands. If your W ways continue this will eventually happen to your marriage too. If our spouses could only understand that if they put the time, effort and committment into their marriages instead of an online fantasy, they would be the happiest people alive. Best wishes, Crissy

This is my first post after finding this website 3 days ago.<BR>I also found out my wife of 3 years is having an emotional affair with a man in Europe. It started out innocent (I think), then progressed to something sexual. It feels like my heart has been ripped out. <BR>I am taking a close look at how I make Love Deposits, and if my Emotional Needs are differnt from hers. <P>Thanks for this forum,<P>LostInMich

Yes, they are definitely affairs. Even if only emotional. My WS had at least 4 EAs per internet which then included phone calls. He travels alot so he met up with one of these women and it ended up a PA. I found out about the EA's first and was totally devastated. I even told him before I found out about the PA to: " Make up your mind what you want to do because if you have been with another woman I DON'T WANT YOU". The world crashed for me about a month later when I found out about the PA. Turns out when we had a fire in our home and he couldnt' get home for another month, he was really with her, screwing around. At first I just wanted to throw everything away but I have three wonderful kids and decided to work through this. Its a tough place to be. Its unbelievable that a spouse can do this to you after 19 years of marriage or whatever.
But you have to weigh the pros and cons. Definitely get some counseling for you and her if she is agreeable.
My WS ended up having a PA with a confirmed Lesbian. It makes me sick to think about it so I try not to.
Mikkey

Mike,<p>If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, guess what.....<p>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams*<p>Trueheart