I NEED HELP! I'M NOT SURE IF MY HUSBAND IS CHEATING OR NOT HE SAYS HE ISN'T BUT I RECIEVED A PHONE CALL SAYING THAT HE WAS WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON I GOT ANGRY AND SCARED BUT MORE THAN THAT I GOT CONFUSED BECAUSE AT FIRST IT WAS THE WOMAN WHO WAS LYING TO SAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE EX OF THE ACCUSED WOMAN AND NOW MY HUSBAND SAYS THAT IT MY BE THE MANPLUATION OF THE ACCUSED WOMAN TO BREAK US UP, I UNDERSTAND THAT BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE KEEPS GOING OVER TO HER HOUSE (THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OVER THERE AND I TRUST A FEW OF THEM TO TELL ME THE TRUTH) AND HIS FRIEND LIKES HER AND ALWAYS WANTS MY HUSBAND TO TAKE HIM OVER THERE WHY WONT HE STAND UP FOR MY FEELINGS? I FEEL LIKE IT'S ALL A CONSPERICY AGAINST ME AND I ACTING LIKE A FOOL FOR NOT LEAVING HOW DO I GET OVER THIS REJECTION? I'M AT HOME ALL THE TIME AND NEVER LEAVE MY BABYS SIDE AND NOW I'M STARTING TO RESENT HER FOR THAT, I FEEL LIKE I WOULD BE GOING AGAINST THE WILL OF GOD TO LEAVE HIM BUT I WOULD ALSO BE GOING AGAINST THE WILL OF GOD TO STAY AND FEEL THIS WAY. I TELL HIM HOW I'M FEELING AND HE SAYS THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT HES NOT SCREWING AROUND ON ME BUT HE SAYS THAT AS HES WALKING OUT THE DOOR, HE ALSO LIES ABOUT GOING OVER TO HER HOUSE AND WHEN I FIND OUT HE GETS MAD THAT I WOULD ACCUSE HIM OF CHEATING AND QUESTIONING HIS INTERGRITY AND COMMITMENT TO THIS FAMILY. HOW DO I GET OVER THIS FEELING OF GUILT (LIKE I DID SOMETHING TO PUSH HIM AWAY FROM ME) I HAVE A TEN MONTH OLD AND I'M PREGANAT AGAIN SO THAT LEAVES ME OUT OF A LOT OF THINGS THAT HE DOES AND EVEN MORE WHEN I CAN'T FIND A BABYSITTER HE JUST GOES WITH OUT ME. I FEEL SO ALONE AND EVEN MORE...BETRAYED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I AM SO ANGRY I'VE NEVER BEEN VIOLANT BUT I FIND MYSELF WANTING TO HIT SOMETHING EVERYTIME HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR. IS IT UNFAIR TO ASK HIM TO NOT SEE THIS WOMAN ANYMORE THEY HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME AND WERE EVEN LOVERS AT ONE TIME. WHAT DO I DO? I'M ABOUT TO GO OVER THE EDGE.

Welcome to my cyber home away from home. Since my H and I agreed not to discuss the affair with anyone this is the only place I can go to share my feelings and get support. It's sad and so hard when my mother and sister say I sound like something's wrong and I try to sound happy and say nothing's wrong even though I'm going through the worst crisis of my life.<P>But about you--you are a pregnant, stay-at-home mom with a 10 month old. Your H leaves you at home with the baby on a regular basis to go hang around at his former lover's house, lies about it, and gets defensive when you confront him. In addition to this, you have received phone calls from someone who says he is cheating. <P>You are not crazy. You should not feel guilty. I don't know the whole situation, of course, but from what you've written it is pretty clear that you are not getting the whole story. Don't doubt that your H's friends would lie to protect him. In the best possible case, your H has no regard for your feelings. In the worst, he is having an affair with at least one woman, and doesn't seem to be too troubled by it. And to answer your question, no--it is not unfair for you to ask him not to see this woman again. <P>I don't know what to tell you to do. There is a lot of good information about infidelity on this website. I think you should print it all out and read it. A book that I am finding helpful is "Infidelity, a survival guide". There are many people here who have been through what you are going through and have saved their marriages. <P>Do you have any family or friends near you who could help you out when you need a break from your baby? Try to get away a bit when you can, and maybe join a mother/baby playgroup so you can have some companionship. I don't know what I'd to without mine. If you go to church (or even if you don't) ministers are very compassionate, helpful people to talk to. They keep problems confidential, and often know of community resources like counseling, marriage workshops, etc.<P> Keep writing and don't give up hope. When is your baby due? <P>Tressa

Welcome <B>kaylieanne</B>...<P>Just a comment...<BR>1. please don't type in all "capital letters"... it is ettiquete to type in mixed case... (all caps means you are "yelling")<BR>2. please try to write in smaller paragraphs... it is much easier to read.<BR> <P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Hints as to whether your H is in/moving toward an affair... can be found at some posts previously made...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007371.html" TARGET=_blank>What lying betrayers have said....</A>…Sweetpea….9/15/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html" TARGET=_blank>50 signs your spouse is having an affair (All found on this board)</A>…Triumph2….2/23/2000<P>Your anger is natural...<BR>...but if it persists... consider some insight found at other sites and books...<BR><A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com" TARGET=_blank>Anger & Stress Management Communication Skills for Marriages and Relationships in Conflict</A> and<BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879237970" TARGET=_blank><B>Angry All the Time :</B> An Emergency Guide to Anger Control</A> by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800786467" TARGET=_blank><B>Getting the Best of Your Anger</B></A> by Les Carter <BR></OL><P>You are not alone!<P> <P>Jim

THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO I DON'T HAVE ANY ONE TO WATCH MY DAUGHTER AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAR TO GO ANY WHERE MY H HAS ALWAYS GOT IT. ON ONE HAND I FEEL LIKE MY GUT IS SAYING THAT HE IS CHEATING BUT ON THE OTHER HE ALWAYS HAS (GOOD ENOUGH) REASONS TO BE OVER THERE (HIS FRIEND LIKING HER EXC.) BUT I'M ONLY TWENTY ONE AND WE'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED LESS THAN A YEAR (JUNE 5) HOW CAN I GET OVER THIS DEVISTATION? AND THE GUILT OH MY GOD THE GUILT I KNOW THAT I SHOULDN'T FEEL IT BUT I KEEP WONDERING WHAT DID I DO TO PUSH HIM AWAY? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? AND WORSE WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? WHAT DO I DO? CAN ANYONE ANSWER THAT HE'S SHUT DOWN BECAUSE HE SAYS THAT I'VE QUESTIONED HIS INTERGRITY AND COMMITMENT TO HIS FAMILY...<BR><B>Welcome to my cyber home away from home. Since my H and I agreed not to discuss the affair with anyone this is the only place I can go to share my feelings and get support. It's sad and so hard when my mother and sister say I sound like something's wrong and I try to sound happy and say nothing's wrong even though I'm going through the worst crisis of my life.<P>But about you--you are a pregnant, stay-at-home mom with a 10 month old. Your H leaves you at home with the baby on a regular basis to go hang around at his former lover's house, lies about it, and gets defensive when you confront him. In addition to this, you have received phone calls from someone who says he is cheating. <P>You are not crazy. You should not feel guilty. I don't know the whole situation, of course, but from what you've written it is pretty clear that you are not getting the whole story. Don't doubt that your H's friends would lie to protect him. In the best possible case, your H has no regard for your feelings. In the worst, he is having an affair with at least one woman, and doesn't seem to be too troubled by it. And to answer your question, no--it is not unfair for you to ask him not to see this woman again. <P>I don't know what to tell you to do. There is a lot of good information about infidelity on this website. I think you should print it all out and read it. A book that I am finding helpful is "Infidelity, a survival guide". There are many people here who have been through what you are going through and have saved their marriages. <P>Do you have any family or friends near you who could help you out when you need a break from your baby? Try to get away a bit when you can, and maybe join a mother/baby playgroup so you can have some companionship. I don't know what I'd to without mine. If you go to church (or even if you don't) ministers are very compassionate, helpful people to talk to. They keep problems confidential, and often know of community resources like counseling, marriage workshops, etc.<P> Keep writing and don't give up hope. When is your baby due? <P>Tressa </B>[/QUOTE]<P>

kaylieanne<P>"I DON'T HAVE ANY ONE TO WATCH MY DAUGHTER AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAR TO GO ANY WHERE MY H HAS ALWAYS GOT IT."<BR><B>Is there a neighbor you can confide in and ask for help</B>?<P>HOW CAN I GET OVER THIS DEVISTATION?<BR><B>You'll need some support</B>...<BR>...professional counseling can help...<BR>...the poeple on this forum are a <B>great</B> help...<BR>...if possible consider a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>"...AND THE GUILT OH MY GOD THE GUILT I KNOW THAT I SHOULDN'T FEEL IT BUT I KEEP WONDERING WHAT DID I DO TO PUSH HIM AWAY?"<BR><B>We can't take that "guilt" feelign away</B>... but can encourage you that no matter what you did... any infidelity on his part is the far worse action!!!<P>"WHAT DID I DO WRONG?"<BR><B>Check out the MB concepts of the Love Bank.. and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A></B>.<P>"...AND WORSE WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?"<BR><B>Absolutely NOTHING</B>!<P>"WHAT DO I DO?"<BR><B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A></B>.<P>...until you get the book (<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"HE'S SHUT DOWN BECAUSE HE SAYS THAT I'VE QUESTIONED HIS INTERGRITY AND COMMITMENT TO HIS FAMILY"...<BR><B>this is typical of "withdrawal" stage of the 3 stages in a marriage</B>... see <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html" TARGET=_blank>Three States of Marriage</A>...<P>I see you are hurting... <P>My prayers to you... <P>I think I've given you a lot to read...<BR>...being stuck at home doesn't mean you are without those who care. <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 29, 2000).]

I've been thinking about you today. I hope you are o.k. I know what it's like to feel trapped at home and not have anyplace to leave a baby. I know it seems awful now, and honestly, it's going to keep being difficult for a while--it's just hard to have two small children even under the best of circumstances, but you have to believe that your life will not always be like this. You are so very young and you can do so much to assure a happpy future for yourself and your family. Don't give up hope. And don't take your anger out on your baby, whatever you do. It's natural to resent children a little for tying you down so much, but remember that she is a gift from God. <P>It sounds like you need to get out of the house a little more. Can you at least go for walks around the neighborhood or take a bus to the mall? Or call a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group. There may be someone who lives near you who can give you a ride. You really need some self care. <BR> <BR>Try to draw your husband back into your family by giving him small and specific jobs to do around the house. Be calm and let him know how much you need and appreciate his support. He may not respond to this, but it's worth a try. I understand how angry you are, but anger isn't going to help your relationship right now. <P>Keep reading and writing. Don't give up.<P>--Tressa

I haven't given up we had a argument last night and I got really angry but I asked him to decide between his family or his lifestyle he said that he would of course choose me and was willing to work things out. The main thing is that we are supposed to relocate (about fifty miles away) and I don't want anyone to know where we live he has had a problem with drugs (not necessarly doing but selling) and when he wanted to get more today I asked him not to I said that there is no reason to go forward in our efforts to save this marriage if he was just going to continue to go back (this is what got him in trouble to begin with...reason he was going over to her house! that's why I couldn't say he was definatley cheating) any way he didn't go through with the deal! YEA! You are right though I do need to get away all my life I have wanted a family and I kills me to think that I would take any of my problems out on my little girl I love her more than anything and I don't want to scar her emotionaly by all the yelling and my frustration it certinly isn't directed at her but I know that she feels it! thank you for taking a intrest in me it feels better knowing that someone cares I was just about to give up hope, it hurts still (a lot) but it's much better knowing that someone is standing behind me. Thank you<P>

I glad to hear that. It's especially good that he agreed to stop when you gave his a choice. I hope your move goes well and that the problems you are having now do not follow you to your new home. <P>When is your baby due? My boys are only 15 months apart in age and it's been tough going sometimes, but they are so cute together. I had my daughter when I was pretty young and she has been such a joy to me through my twenties. My friends mostly waited to have children, but I've never regretted having her when I did and sharing all that time together, even when we had no money and it was impossible to get off on my own even for an hour. <P>Keep posting. Tressa

Selling drugs is serious...<BR>...and your H has to stop this immediately.<P>He is risking more than just your marriage!<P>I'm praying for you... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 31, 2000).]

I know that, that's why I asked him to stop he had to choose me or his lifestyle and I'm guessing that he choose me he had an oppurtunity to go get something last night but he decided to stay home and go to bed. <BR>We had people over last night and they made a comment about how changing his additude had changed my mood imeditely, one guy said that he was glad to be here with out having to worry about dodging flying objects. HAHA<BR>I know that when we move things will get even better because he won't have all these things in his face all the time! But he does want one of his friends to move in with us I like the guy he just gets on my nerves big time and I don't think that it's a good idea for us to have someone living with us (who will only take up our time) when we have problems to work on. How should I go about telling them that I don't want this to happen and get my way while keeping the new found peace around here? got to go

kaylieanne,<P>It's a good time to start earning about and practicing <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>No ultimatums... No LB-ing...<BR>...just healthy negotiations....<BR>...brainstorming... will help!<P>Great coverage of it can be found in the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<P> <P>Jim

I think that my H is ready for us to have a discusion about these things I think that he is willing right now to work on our marriage and I need to take the oppurtunity while I can get it! If I could get him alone long enough to sit down and go over some of these things I think that his heart would be open. I'm going to try to do it tonight.<P> I will keep ya'll posted! Thank ya'll for supporting me I have felt much better in the last few days. I've also need the adult interaction so badly, before I started writing and getting response's I couldn't even get up and clean my house, now I've almost got it finished and if you had seen my house then and now you would KNOW that I've made a turn around! <P>I think that being apart of this helped me feel good enough to start and when my H came home from work and things were clean it affected him in a positive way, I had set a atmosphere of peace and love and he responded very well! At this moment I am very happy at the way things are working out. <P>After thinking things through, I have begun to think that the accused woman is the minupalted force behind all of this I honestly think that she is starting all of this to get me to leave and as soon as I do she'll be right there to comfort my H as if she was only trying to be a "good friend" well her plan has backfired and if anything it has made me want to fight even harder I have to believe my H if he says that this isn't true and I have no proof. If he says that he wants to work things out then I have to try, if these aligations turn out to be true then at least I can walk away knowing that I tried every thing in my power to make it work and that it was him that really walked away, I know that he loves me and I him but we need to get back to the place where we are in love with each other. I think that that place is only a few steps away and we can do it. <BR>

"feeling like you are going over the edge" I can relate to that. I have no answers myself. It would be so much easier if someone did <BR>Your situation does sound a little "red flaggish"<BR>Im sure there is truth to what you have been told ect. However in my situation i got my information from a outside source and have learned quickly not to trust to openly. I just advise to be cautious on who and what you believe. Let you heart and head be your guide. Do a little investigating on your own. even if that just means questions.<P>I told my husband....i was looking to catch him being TRUSTWORTHY, not improper<BR>

Well I know that my H is probably telling the truth (by my heart) it was just the pain and rejection that I felt knowing that the posability was there and that this woman would try her best to get him to betray me I believe that she is behind all of this in the first place and that's just sick.<P>In my heart I know that this is true. Now when a situation arises and someone needs to go over to her house there's simpily no question about who goes. I answer her phone calls and I'm the one who does most of the interaction. Untill we move she will try her last attempts to get him, the way things are going right now she can try all she wants she wont get anywhere! <P>I have asked tons of questions including to her and she is actually the one who gave it all away (that she is the one behind this)I couldn't believe it really. My thoughts were how could anyone be that sick? To actually try and destroy four peoples lives(us and our two children) just to get some one to love her.<P>I told my husband that it was his livestyle or me and when he made that choice his whole additude changed toward me. I thank God for that. <P>By the way there is a book that I've had for a while and never picked it up untill a couple days ago but every married woman should read it it's called...The power of a praying wife...by <BR>Stormie OMartian WONDERFUL <BR>

I'm sorry I never answered your question, I'm not sure when I'm due, I haven't been to the doctor yet! I'm thinking around September. We haven't had insurance but with my H new job we will get it in the next week then I will go and know for sure, they will probably be able to see what I'm having by then. I really want a girl I have everything for that but nothing for a boy!

I just wanted to let everyone know that things are much better now. We have moved and started moving on together! The woman who called and started this thing called me and told me that it was all a lie because she was (just as I thought) mad at this other woman, I feel better about that but I still want my H to stay away from her I honestly beleave that she wants him and would do anything to get him, am I wrong to still want him to not see her given that the circumstances have changed? Please keep praying and writing, this has helped me so much but I am still in need of the emotional and spritual help.<P>