Dear Friends<P>For more info please read posts on May 19 and June 9.<P>My W and I went to a “marital stress” seminar yesterday that was held at our church. All aspects of stress in the marriage were discussed including our problem of infidelity. One of the exercises were to read the vow of marriage to your spouse and then sign the note it was written on and re-commit by putting the wedding ring on your spouse’s finger. She burst out in tears and couldn’t read the words to me after I read them to her. At that stage I thought “…well this is the end then…” Last night she told me there were things she cannot get herself to tell me for that would hurt me too much. She was very emotional and said she doesn’t deserve me. I said the way I see things is that she had fallen out of love with me and wish only to be with OM. I said this in a very kind way though. She affirmed what I said but added that her feelings for me are far from gone.<P>I then said something that might have been a major LB??? I asked her (in a very kind and understanding way) to consider my feelings and to rather move out of our house and reveal the affair totally as I can no longer live in a situation where we have to pretend all the time. She agreed but asked for a little time to look for accommodation elsewhere. I told her she can take as much time as it takes. Throughout our talk I let her know how much I love her and that I have already forgiven her for what she has done. I told her (and meant it) that I hope only the best for her in the future and that I wish her total happiness in her life. It would hurt me even more if we go through all this pain in search of her love and happiness and it doesn’t happen.<P>She phoned me an hour ago at work and told me she had a meeting with OM and they mutually decided to break up and to work on both their marriages. Because they see the same supplier on Wednesdays they cannot avoid total contact. She said it would mean a huge explanation and upset inter-company relations as they share the same account at this supplier. She was crying most of the time during her call and sounded very sincere.<P>I’m in a situation now where I don’t know what to think or to say. Can this be stalling tactics? What should I read in this? If she’s sincere I’ll go all out to make it work. How can I be sure? I’ll talk to her tonight.<P>Thank you for the support and care<BR>

Hi Van,<P>It is very good that your W said "...she had a meeting with OM and they mutually decided to break up and to work on both their marriages..."<P>Excellent news!<P>Much of what you should do depends on whether you are in Plan A or Plan B...<BR>...your asking her to leave is a Plan B move...<BR>...is that the case?<P>The issue of "...cannot avoid total contact..." is however important.<P>You know it...<BR>...I'm not sure she knows it...<BR>...you can't start <B>recovery</B> until the affair is over!<P>Is her "breaking up with OM" a "temporary thing"...<BR>...if it is you are not in recovery!<P>If she commits to a job change... and no contact with the OM...<BR>...then you will have started recovery!<BR>...is the marriage worth it(job change) to her?<P>"Can this be stalling tactics?"...<BR>...yes it can... but can you wait her out in a Plan A?<P>"What should I read in this?"...<BR>...don't <B>read</B> anything into it! Talk openly and honestly... ask if she is <B>really</B> willing to separate from the OM?... is it a trial separation period?... is she willing to go to counseling (ala MB)?...<BR>...of course be honest to yourself too!<P>"If she’s sincere I’ll go all out to make it work. How can I be sure?"...<BR>...you can't... this is life!<BR>...but you can make all the decision to make your life better!<P>Let us know what happens!<P> <P>Jim

Thanks Jim<P>She came home last night in a very dark mood. Said that breaking up was very tough on her but she couldn't just leave without giving our marriage a chance. I made some suggestions: Burn all his letters; delete his numbers from your cell; never see him again; never talk to him again. I could see these things made sense to her brain but not her heart. She said that she was going to take it one day at a time.<BR>I will continue the love and support and I pray that we will be back together some day.<P>P.S. Her job is in many respects as important to her as marriage. She won't leave it, but she will arrange the Wednesday thing to avoid contact. Their contract with that company expires in August, so after two more months there would (should) be no more contact. I just hope he (OM) co-operates.

Van,<P>You're going into a full blown "pre-recovery" Plan A... right?<P> <P>Jim

Yes, we're going plan A way it seems. She's also afraid of separation because it will reveal the affair to family, her parents (who are extremely conservative) and friends. Where can I get SAA in South Africa (Cape Town)?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Van:<BR><B>Yes, we're going plan A way it seems. She's also afraid of separation because it will reveal the affair to family, her parents (who are extremely conservative) and friends. Where can I get SAA in South Africa (Cape Town)?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Go to <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com" TARGET=_blank>www.amazon.com</A> for the book. They ship anywhere.<P>Van, it actually sounds like you are in a good position. She and the OM broke up...that's good. She wants to work on the marriage...that's good. She is afraid of the revelation of the affair to her family...that's good.<P>The Harleys write that one of the most common things after the breakup of an affair is that the BS (excellent acronym, isn't it?) will try to "negotiate" a way to have some continued contact with the OM, on the pretext of social or work. Whether it is real or not, that seems to be what has happened here.<P>I would be tempted, given her fear of the shame of her actions being revealed, to lay the law down a little. Like "I will only work on this marriage on the basis of a 100% break of contact with the OM. In return for this I will pledge to you my 100% forgiveness, protection, and discretion from any news getting to your family. If you won't agree to that, or I find out about ANY contact (phone, email, anything), we will separate and your family will know why. Furthermore, I want full access to your phone bills, email logs, and whereabouts during the day. Furtherfurthermore, I want you to write a breakoff letter to the OM explaining that you realize know that your weakness caused a colossal mistake in your life, you have hurt your family and loved ones in a profound way that may never be forgiven, and you want no contact whatsoever from him for the rest of your life."<P>Van, you should read and approve this letter and see it sent.<P>The sooner she starts her withdrawal from that affair, the sooner you two can get back on track. Until the break is 100%, that process can not start. Right now, she is thinking "I'll see him again Wednesday...." Not acceptable.<P><BR>

Thanks <B>Mike C2</B>...<P>Van... you might be able to get it sent from the MB book site as well... click here ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Mike... As far as preferred acronyms... I also considered <B>BS</B>... and it didn't fly with the forum... click <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000008.html" TARGET=_blank>HERE</A>.<P>Van... As far as "the letter" goes...<BR>...If you'd like... I can e-mail you one...<BR>you can reach me at imherczeg@yahoo.com .<P> <P>Jim<BR>

Thanks for the leads Jim and Mike.<P>She seems to be in withdrawal from OM now at last. She told me this morning that she's going through hell missing him and that it seems to get worse as each day goes by. I don't know what to tell her except that I have the greatest respect for her efforts and that I love her. She also said that some of her feelings for me had died and she doesn't know if they can ever be recovered again. Is this normal and is recovery possible if she feels like that? She also wants to suspend our physical (sexual) relationship until "she feels like making the first moves again". I feel a bit negative today, but trying not to show it.<P>We are going away to the family beach cottage for the long weekend so maybe its a good break to have others around and relax for a while.

Van...<P>Yes... withdrawal has that affect...<P>More Plan A...<BR>...don't <B>say</B> how you've changed...<BR>...<B>show</B> her... by your actions.<P>The "sex" thing is normal too...<BR>...give it time!<P>Make sure she has <B>fun</B> this weekend!<BR>Laughter and fun are great medicines to combat even this disease.<P>Have a great weekend (for yourself too!)<P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Van:<BR><B>She seems to be in withdrawal from OM now at last. She told me this morning that she's going through hell missing him and that it seems to get worse as each day goes by. I don't know what to tell her except that I have the greatest respect for her efforts and that I love her. She also said that some of her feelings for me had died and she doesn't know if they can ever be recovered again. Is this normal and is recovery possible if she feels like that? She also wants to suspend our physical (sexual) relationship until "she feels like making the first moves again". </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>A classic textbook case. She is on the road of withdrawal from the OM. Everything she said is totally typical responses...in fact, it is funny how formulaic this all becomes.<P>Listen to NSR.....be fun to be around. Think of it as auditioning for the role of her future mate.<P>Galling as that may be...<P>Vent here, don't vent at home! <P>