<BR>I did good on planA for a while, and then my H started to talk to me about our relationship. OK, that's good. Then, he says I have to be happy. All right, it makes me mad when HE says it but it's true. I understand. Then he goes "I refuse to live with an unhappy person. I'm not going to live like that."<BR>Remember HE caused me the unhappiness. That's why I became so unhappy. And now, he's not avoiding to make me unhappy, he's not trying to make me happy, he does not feel my pain, nor try to feel my pain, he's not even helping me to get out of my pain, but I still have to make myself happy, and if I can't do that good and soon enough, he's going to dump me?<BR>Hey, he's just an [censored] hole. WHY should I stay married? I really wondered, when I was in the worst pain in my life and cried for a help, all he got to say to me was "you got to be happy", it was a week ago or so. Now he claims he'll refuse me if I'm unhappy? Do I love him? I don't know anymore. Why should I?

Dear Alien,<BR>That's exactly how I was feeling yesterday!!<BR>My H keeps telling me I am up and down and he can't take it!!- I am like you - hey, let's think about why I am an emotional roller coaster!!!-could it be because H lied and cheated??? That is what is so hard and frustrating about this - they think we can just smile and forget all about it, especially when they are not doing anything for us!! Mike suggested an article on forgiveness that is in his post to me yesterday - you can click on it - the answer to the first letter is good. I printed it and asked my H to read it last night - amazingly, he did and it gives me a glimmer of hope. Yes, my H keeps telling me to "relax," "be myself," be happy...but when you are hurting so badly, it is really hard, isn't it??? I just keep praying and posting here - I am so thankful for this site and everyone on it. I will keep you in my prayers. Sincerely, Annc

Ditto. I was just telling my H this morning (I'm not very good at Plan A either) that I have a hard time distinguishing between the lies and the truths. It is hard for me to know that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. I know he is trying and I am glad for that. I told him that I look at the other side of the fence and the grass is green. I am sure there are dozens of wonderful men out there who would give anything to spend the rest of thier lives with me and for some strange reason I have a wall of love for my H preventing me from finding the wonderful sheep grazing in yonder field. I have to be married to the someone who wanted to spend their life with me 5 years ago, but now, would just rather let me go. I hate it. He tells me that feelings just can't change overnight whether I want them to or not. Do you think I don't know that? Do you think I don't want to hate him and be able to walk out the door. And then I think, what happens if it takes him too long. What happens if he falls in love with me again and my love bank is on empty. What do I do then. Would I be in the same situation he is in now ? Staying out of guilt. It's so hard. I can't believe all of this is happening to me. I hate it. I hate having to act happy and normal all the time when inside I just want crawl in a hole and die somewhere.<P>When I was in Ireland, we stood on the cliffs by the sea and the waves just crashed agains t the rock many feet below. It called to me. I wanted to throw myself over and let the waves take me. But then I thought that it might be possible to live through that and I would probably be pretty physically messed up after that. So I didn't. At least I am too scared that I might not succeed in a suicide attempt to even try it.<P>I'm still praying for peace, but it gets harder every day. You girls hang in there though. Who knows? Maybe we'll all come through this with flying colors. Even if we don't, we'll hate our Hs at the end and be able to make some kind of life for ourselves. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust completely again. I never would have though my H would do this, so I don't know how I could ever trust anyone again. It just goes to show that you can't count on anyone but yourself and God. People will let you down everytime.<P>Good luck to you. I know. Today I am feeling rather bitter. It comes and goes. May God carry us all through these difficult times and make us stronger and better people.

I have worked very hard at being happy inspite of H. My intent with life is to be happy & raise my children in best possible manner. And basically he can get on the boat or get off, but I will not let him use the excuse that "I will not live with an unhappy person" as his wild card to leave. He can be responsible for his actions. And basically I refuse to allow him the power to make me sad. My happiness, at whatever level, is my responsibility. <P>For years I was not as happy when he was around, for various reasons. But a lot of it had to do with my unwillingness to be a happy person around him. I felt he didn't deserve to be around a "happy me". He had drained me. Once I got over that & decided it was poisoning me, I really was able to be happy & quit focusing on him.<P>He also uses the excuse of "I don't trust your happiness now, since it wasn't there before". I basically don't care. I am happy for me & my boys. His decision to forgive & move on is on his back. It is so hard to get to the point where you can focus on you & not all the C**P that H has done. But to sit & let him make you unhappy is unproductive for you. After all I am sure you have been through, don't let him have any more power over your state of mind.<P>Only you know reasons you should stay or go, but make those decisions based on what YOU want & not what other folks are saying & doing. Remember, if he acts like he is sorry, or had anything to do with your pain, it would be admitting he was WRONG. Hard for the guilty to do. They need to stay justified in what actions they took.<P>Carolyn

alien<P>please don't give up. I know its's so difficult. D day for me was November and I was only allowed 2 days to asked questions and then told the only way we would get our marraige together was to be normal and be happy. AAAAAAAAGH! I can't you how many times I've LB till then, found out everything all the detail met OW at her house A horror story. My H renewed contact 4 weeks later as I hadn't adjusted to the situation as expected. His get out. It took until April until the last contact that we really started to turn things around. I went away for a week to the US I live in the UK to get my head together I know she phoned while I was away. I felt it thousands of miles away and when I asked he confirmed it was the Saturday. Wierd is'nt it. Anyway I did'nt think I would get over all this pain could'nt believe that someone would treat me so badly. The dog got better treatment than me. I just wanted to die. And keep getting told be happy drove me round the bend. <P>Anyway I have followed this forum for many months Dr. H and the experience and have only started to post recently. All I can say is there is a pattern to all this your H is not unique, read the boards as much as you can. I have now come out of the dark, I no longer feel this horrible pain. I am following Plan A to the letter and you know what I know I am working on keeping the man I adore very much with me but I also have got back alot more of myself. To do Plan A we have to be very couragous loving people and you know you will ultimately be stronger although just now you can't see it. I did not think I would get this far but you will.<P>Hang in there, keep in touch and never lose hope and also pray very hard I would not be here without outside help and I still have along way to go.<P>

After being on this forum for a couple of weeks, I have to say I'm really disappointed with how much of the burden for maintaining the relationship is placed on the BS. Maybe this does "save" marriages, but at what cost? The self-esteem and happiness of the BS? When I read of women "walking on eggshells" for months or even years in an effort to win back their cheating husbands, I am deeply disturbed. <P>It seems that almost any display of anger, discussion of the affair, questions about the OW/OM, crying, asking for support, love, sex, (all the things a spouse is supposed to provide), are considered "Love Busters". How can a marriage be maintained when all the burden is on the victim? I think that WS's get off WAY too easy here. <P>My marriage counselor is very supportive of my need to ask questions about the affair, about the OW, to discuss any aspect of it that is bothering me, and to not bottle it up so my resentment and sorrow can grow. He also supports my right to "angry outbursts". My minister discussed my right to my "righteous anger" and my husband's need to bear it. I am letting it out. I am angry with my husband and he knows it. He also has held me while I cried for hours and brought me tissues and aspirin. He says he will stand by me through anything. He knows that this wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't love him with my whole heart. <P>If he were unwilling to go through this all with me, to face my pain and anger and keep loving me, to make love to me and tell me I am the only one he loves and try and heal what he broke in me, I would leave. That's all there is to it. I'm sure this opinion won't make me very popular, but I would rather be alone and miserable than spend my life hiding my pain and trying to make things oh so happy for him so that he won't do this again. Maybe I will end up alone someday, but I'll never stay married to a jerk. <P>I wish all of you the very best of luck. I hope that this works out in a way that you can live with, especially in the long term future. Tressa <P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by tressa stewart:<BR>[B]After being on this forum for a couple of weeks, I have to say I'm really disappointed with how much of the burden for maintaining the relationship is placed on the BS. Maybe this does "save" marriages, but at what cost? The self-esteem and happiness of the BS?>>>>><P>Tressa, the basic concept here is that most affairs, as bad as they are, do not happen merely because the wayward spouse is possessed or evil. They happen because there is something missing in the marriage. Unless both parties work to identify and remediate that void, there is no solid future together.<P><<<<It seems that almost any display of anger, discussion of the affair, questions about the OW/OM, crying, asking for support, love, sex, (all the things a spouse is supposed to provide), are considered "Love Busters". How can a marriage be maintained when all the burden is on the victim?>>>><P>Each situation varies. Say that in your scenario, rather than your husband revealing the affair to you with great remorse, you discovered it via an overheard phone call. Then when you confronted him, he just said "Well, I'm unhappy. Should I move out?"<P>That is a more common scenario than what happened with you. Clearly, your H is still very much in love with you. You should be thankful. But your short term experience really offers no lessons for the vast majority of people here. <P><<<He also supports my right to "angry outbursts". My minister discussed my right to my "righteous anger" and my husband's need to bear it. I am letting it out. I am angry with my husband and he knows it.>>>><P>Physical violence is unacceptable under any circumstance.<P><<<<<<If he were unwilling to go through this all with me, to face my pain and anger and keep loving me, to make love to me and tell me I am the only one he loves and try and heal what he broke in me, I would leave. That's all there is to it.>>>>>>>><P>Most people say that prior to the revelation of an affair. Perhaps two months ago, if asked, you would have said you would leave if you caught him having sex with another woman. It is harder to actually do it. <P> <BR>

Thanks for letting me know that I'm normal and he is too. I guess I'm not ready to give up yet, but while I'm trying planA, I started feeling num or cold in some part of me because I have to turn my emotions off just to be in planA. <P>I need to cry. Terresa, I envy you, that's what I wanted from my H, holding me whenever I cry, not telling me to "get yourself back in groove". <P>We went to see a counselor and H agreed to do somethings for me a wk ago, but he's already forgotten, I had to remind him. I didn't like the counselor anyway so we'll see another one next wk. I have an appo w/Dr H for myself on this Thurs so I keep my hope til then.<P>Tonight my H told me that he's feeling very tired and old (HA! Never felt it w/her did it?) when I was trying to get close to him in bed. I turned away and tear came out for 10 sec. and I stopped my feeling. I always have to initiate when I think intimacy is needed since D-day, got turned down a couple times. I don't talk about it (yet), I just close myself up for now.<P>I don't want to hate him. He's my 2 boys' father. I left everything behind when I came here from my country. I don't even have my own language here. Did I come here for this? I cannot go back, since my children are Americans. I never make them leave their country.<P>Bad timing it is, his best friend's W had a surgery to remove brain tumor, been suffering from cancer. She's an amazing person and I've been talking to her about my problem. My H had been lying to his best friend while the A was going on since my H, this friend and the OW were all in a same group. Then the friend's W got paranoid if her H having an A after our d-day. That really upset her H and my H.<BR>I know part of my fault, I told her that "most of marriage suffer from an A".<BR>How much suffering created from one person's selfish action, and I know he knows it too. I shouldn't beat him up, I know now, he's suffering too.<P>Up and down, I suppose. Some days I want to make a difference to this world by helping him out of his mess. Some days, not. Lapeine, crawl in a hole and die somewhere sounds very comforting. When I was on an airplane last month, I thought "maybe it's not so scary anymore even if this plane goes down." Then I think about my kids. Oh, can't let that happen. I need no more pain.<P>I don't want to give up. I love all of you on this forum, I guess I can still feel love and that's a good sign. Thank you, and all of you are in my prayers too.

Ditto, ditto, girls! I agree with everything y'all are saying - this burden just seems to hard to bear. Tressa, I also envy you - I wish my H would allow me to vent and ask questions - talk, even. I am not sure how long I can continue this facade, and that's what we are doing - putting up a big front. H seemed to want to follow through with his commitment to get tested when he called Monday, yet he hasn't. So, I continue to go without any intimacy - how long can this go on?? I am not sure I have it in me to keep hoping he will someday decide he wants me...<BR>I feel so empty and hurt inside - I so relate to all the pain you are all feeling - WE are all feeling. My H won't even consider counseling - nothing, zip. I am really getting frustrated with him and beginning to lose feelings for him - how can he put me through this, and expect me to "relax??????"<BR>I have a counseling appt. with Dr. Harley this am - hope he can help boost me...<BR>God bless all of you and I thank God for all of your help and insight. Annc

Mike, <P>Glad to know you are still on my case. I like how you quote me, and then proceed to tear apart my feelings and opinions with such absoulte authority and superiority. It must be nice to have all the answers. <P>Truth is, I do know how hard divorce is. I grew up with a single mother. It has been hard for years and it is hard still now that grandchildren are involved. <P>When I wrote of letting my anger out, I was referring to telling him I am angry, and talking to my counselor about my anger and pain. My H is perfectly fine. The couple of scratches and bruises that I made on his chest and shoulders in the first few days after he told me did not hurt him. They have already vanished. <P>I, however, am injured forever. I have the images of the two of them having sex, I read the fifty pages of emails in which my H berates me to his ex-girlfriend, writes of his admiration and lust for her, and blames me for everything that's ever gone wrong in his life (examples: he wishes he had gotten his Ph.D. instead of a J.D. but he got the J.D. because he wanted to be able to make more money to support our daughter, and now that's my fault because I'm the one who got pregnant. He wishes he had taken a different job back in 1989 when we met, but he stayed where I lived because he loved me and didn't want to be away from me so now that's my fault that he doesn't have a better job now. He is worried about money and that's my fault because I don't have a job besides caring for his three kids)<P>It must be easy for you to see me as a bad person, not a deeply wounded woman who loves her husband more than anything. Does it bother you so much that a woman should have some strength and pride and expect something from the man who promised her everything? Do you think all these other women are doing themselves any favors by treating their cheating husbands like kings while they wonder whether this will ever happen again? <P>Do you think Annc should settle for no romance for the rest of her life? Do you think Lapeine should wait forever to see if her H will decide whether he loves and wants her? Should Alien stick with a man who causes her unhappiness then blames her for it? Should she just put on a happy face and pretend everything is just fine and dandy?<P>A week before my H had sex with Melissa, I sent him a letter telling him of my love for him, of how much I wanted to be with him and for our family to be together. I wrote of my willingness to try and do better in any way he needed me to. I wrote of how cold he had been to me and how frightened I was of his bitterness and anger poisoning our marriage. I told him that I needed to know that our hearts were together. He told me that he loved me and that our hearts were together and he needed me. We made love and I thought everything was alright. 6 days later he had sex with her. <P>And I still may leave him. I can find no peace. He took my whole life away from me. He made every promise he ever made me for the past 11 years into a lie. When everything else in my life was falling apart, I believed in us and in him. Now I have nothing. <P>So you can count your little "love units" and fill your "love banks" and avoid "love busters". Maybe you can hold the family together that way. Somewhere along the way in the nine years since I've been married, I lost my self and I'd really like to try and get it back.<P>This really is my final posting. I'm obviously not helping anyone here. Mike, keep doling out the advice. I don't know what makes you the authority figure, but you sure do take to the role. <P>Kate

Tressa,<BR>I really hope this is not your final posting!!! You are helping people!!!<BR>I feel the things you just expressed - and I asked Dr. Harley the same thing - how long can I continue to live without romance??? And, how can I continue being treated like he has no respect or love for me? Most of my friends have already lost respect - they think I am crazy to let him continue living here - being comfortable and cozy - they think I am nuts. I wonder - will this really work, or will H think he can get by with this again and I will love him with open arms??? Am I giving him "the ok" to do this again - "hey, W will love me and stick by me no matter what!!!" I was very nice to him tonight - we went to dinner - and he did start opening up "a little." I really think mid-life is in full swing - there are goals he hasn't reached (would like to be on senior tour in golf) - thinking of a sabbatical from work, but then he has to put our children through college - I asked if he felt we are weights around his neck - he said no, but... I said, I feel the same - there are some goals I haven't achieved but I try not to dwell on them or I would go crazy - try not to think of hitting 50's, I have same concerns. Life does not get easier, yadayada... Would he be happier with a younger wife??? Told him I will support him in any way I can - I need to know how to be a better wife, etc. At least, we had some dialogue...but, ??????? is this what I want to deal with??? I need support too - this aging business isn't easy...<BR>Neither of us really looks our age, either, but I feel he is really concerned....<BR>I don't know......<BR>Tressa, don't leave me now...<BR>A

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tressa stewart:<BR><B>Glad to know you are still on my case. I like how you quote me, and then proceed to tear apart my feelings and opinions with such absoulte authority and superiority. It must be nice to have all the answers. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Tressa, I don't know why there is a need for personal attacks. I understand that you have a lot of anger. But we are all here to support one another through the MB system, not attack each other and the MB system.<P>Many of the people here are holding together tenous lives and families SOLELY by a faith in the tenets of the MarriageBuilding program. Your attacks on that system threaten those efforts: (i.e.:"""So you can count your little "love units" and fill your "love banks" and avoid "love busters". Maybe you can hold the family together that way."""")<P>Maybe we all can. Maybe you can too. Most of the people on these boards are trying to rebuild. When you get to that point, you will find that some structure and advice is needed. And some support. But to have someone here attacking the whole system as bull**** helps none of these people.<P>Get through the anger and do some reading. Two weeks ago NSR put up a message to you that can change your life, when you are ready:http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000145.html<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited June 14, 2000).]

tressa, I hope you're still there.<BR>Like Annc said, you're are helping us. Your last post made me cry, it was same as listening a voice coming from the bottom of my heart. Even though you're doing this in a different way, I know how you feel and you know how I feel. I see everybody else feels the same.<P>The difference is, that my H never going to act like your H did, and I can't change him. And I can tell he is not in love with me anymore. He says he always loves me, but as the mother of his children, not as a woman he'd like to date. Yet I want this marriage to work, for kid's, myself, and his sake. <BR>I want to hold my family together this way, at least for awhile. And I really want him to love me like he used to. I don't know if that's gonna happen though.<P>I am pretending normal everyday and wondering how long I last, sometimes I get scared of the thoughts that I have to live like this for the rest of my life, or when kids get old enough and we might get a divorce, wasting the best time of my life.<P>Waiting and waiting. Is he willing to change his behavoir for me? Will he ever give top priority to our relationship? Is he actually going to do things to make our marriage better? I guess I got to find out someday, and decide.<P>Mike, I appreciate your support to keep us making effort. <BR>We're all trying. I'm sure we'll all be strong through this, and try our best so that we don't regret. That's the idea, isn't it?<P>Love

Tressa, I know the anger you are feeling. The day before my H took the EA to the PA, I cried and told him that we needed to see a counselor. That I loved him and we needed to get through this. I asked him if there was someone else and he shook his head and lied, "no." Yes, it hurts. It will always hurt. What this board does is try to support people through the worst pain until the intensity of the pain dulls.<P>Please do not go, but also please try to avoid personal attacks to board members. Mike really is only trying to help. He offers many people encouragement. I don't think he is the authority. I don't believe he feels like he is. All he does is reiterate the MB principles and encourage others to stay true to them. That is what this board is about. <P>Sometimes its hard to judge yourself. Its hard for me to think, "If I had only showed more affection. If I had only not pushed the children issue. If I had only kept the house clean. If I had only..." The list goes on and on. There is no excuse for what my H did or even what he is continuing to do in his foggy world. The point is that he is trying. I don't know if things between us will work out. I certainly hope they do. We have so much in common, and five years ago we thought we were perfect for each other. When everyone else was struggling, we were sailing through life. Now its our turn to struggle.<P>I am partially responsible for my H losing his love for me. I don't know if I can gain it back. I won't try forever. At some point, I will have to take care of myself even if that means giving up on my H. I don't want to do that, but I know that even if I have to I can improve on my deficiencies and try to prevent the same thing happening in the future--with my H or with someone else.<P>Think of the work you are doing and investing in this relationship as improving yourself not for your H, but for the man you are going to spend forever with. Your H has apologized. Your H still loves you. Your H wants to make things right. He's even posted on this board. Don't let that go to waste. Yes, you have every right to your feelings. The trick is learning to express them in a positive light.<P>Also think about this, if the tables had been turned, and you had done this to your H. How would you want him to act towards you? I would want my H to be understanding and willing to work with me. I would want him to tell me that in spite of this awful thing that I did to him, he would always love me and he would forgive me. I would want him to take away my guilt and shame and tell me that things were going to be okay. So, I try to follow the Golden Rule of "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." What more can anyone ask for? Is your angry outburst making you feel any better. I know my anger doesn't help me. I only feel worse afterwards.<P>I don't have the answers for you, nor does your counselor, nor your minister, nor your family, nor the Harleys, nor anyone else on this board. Anyone who claims they have the answers is lying. All we do is follow guidelines that have suceeded in the past. On this board, we encourage each other with the MB principles.<P>Hang in there as long as you feel you have to in order to be true to yourself. Good luck to you both. I hope that God grants you peace in the future.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lapeine (edited June 15, 2000).]

Lapeine-<BR>What a great post - you are wonderful!!! I always enjoy what you have to say and I ditto what you said! We are all here to support one another through the most painful experience of our lives, and no one has a manual for how to act. If I had not had all of you on Monday, I was really falling apart, and know I would have done something foolish that I would regret. It is good to get the man's perspective - I appreciate Mike, JL, Jim, etc, sharing their thoughts because I do not always understand how men think and their insight is always helpful!!as are all the women's advice and support!!!We all need to continue to keep one another "together" - God bless all of you - A

It's been peaceful on surface. I almost believed it's going to be better soon. Still clinging to a hope, til we both talk to Dr. H.<P>My H seems to be very queit and distant. He's thinking a lot about his personality. Wondering if he's worth me and kids.<P>I asked him about the book he's reading. It's about a man facing his death, he explained, and said thought about himself. Then "sometimes I just want to leave and go travelling." He used to travel a lot, he's the kind of person have no roots. He didn't grow up in a warm family, so he created a warm family with me. Now that's questioned.<P>Seems like he vanishes in the air and I can't touch him. Once in a while he comes back in real life. He seems far away. And I'm just staring at him saying nothing.<P>He's always the one wants to give up. I don't know what I want to do. I'm holding myself good but it's getting very sad. God, if I love him, will it save him?

Just want to keep writing. I don't know if I'm going down the hill. I want to tell him that I love him, but that might chase him away. Isn't it terrible? How can loving someone be so bad?<P>I'm ready to forgive him. I told him he could bring a boat back which was a big trigger, reminder of the A to me. I'm pretty sure I can take it now. I'm ready to say sorry I made my own account. I let him go whenever he wants out without any fuss, even though I still don't trust him. These my planA acts make him think more about himself but I don't know where we're going. Feels like it's making more and more clear that the fact HE DOESN'T WANT ME. Or am I thinking too much by myself?<P>When I was upset and doing LBs at least he said he loves me. He doesn't say that anymore. I had a dream that I was with somebody else who really loves me and pay attention to me last night. It's a funny one though, he was a cute teenage singer. I'm losing...<P>Yesterday was my birthday and he bought me flowers. On a little card from flower shop, it said "happy birthday" and he signed our kids names, and "Dad." He's not my dad, he never signed "Dad" instead of his name on a card for me before.<P>I don't know if the OW still keeps calling him. When he's cold, I even doubt if he's still seeing her. Not likely, but who knows. I can't ask any question any more. I don't know how. But does it matter if he still has contact or not? I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how I feel. I'm gonna cry for a while since he's not home right now.

I hadn't visited this site for about a week because I felt that I just couldn't follow plan A. I felt the same way that you guys feel. It felt really good today to read the posts and realize that I am not alone in this. I feel like I am kissing my husbands butt trying to be nice and wonderful and I am the one that got screwed over. I hope that Tressa will read this and post again. We have to help each other through this.<BR>t

Annc<P>I commend your raw emotions that you share. You are doing the right thing regardless of the friends of yours who say you are not. At least in your situation, your H is sticking around. My H is leaving me and moving in with OW after only knowing her for 1 1/2 months. He has already discussed the D word and refuses to reconcile. I desperately want to make the marriage work, but I can't do it alone and since he's not willing to try, our marriage is doomed. My H has a very headstrong personality and when he sets his mind to something he doesn't give up until he conquers it. I think that is the main objective of him leaving me right now. Our problems are so basic I just wish he'd wake up and realize that no relationship is perfect and that his new relationship is doomed from the start because of the way it's being established. Of course, you can't tell him anything, he thinks she is the perfect woman for him and now tries to say that we never had anything in common and that he had his doubts about our relationship lasting. That is a bunch of garbage!<BR>Anyway, my point is.....my friends are calling me stupid for trying to win him back after what he's done and by the way he continues to reject me. But if you believe in something with all your heart, then go for it. If it's meant to be, things will work out and if it's not, then at least you'll never go on wondering "What if I would've given things a chance?"<BR>Stay with it and good luck!<P>Silvress<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by alien:<BR><B>Just want to keep writing. I don't know if I'm going down the hill. I want to tell him that I love him, but that might chase him away. Isn't it terrible? How can loving someone be so bad?<P>I'm ready to forgive him. I told him he could bring a boat back which was a big trigger, reminder of the A to me. I'm pretty sure I can take it now. I'm ready to say sorry I made my own account. I let him go whenever he wants out without any fuss, even though I still don't trust him. These my planA acts make him think more about himself but I don't know where we're going. Feels like it's making more and more clear that the fact HE DOESN'T WANT ME. Or am I thinking too much by myself?<P>When I was upset and doing LBs at least he said he loves me. He doesn't say that anymore. I had a dream that I was with somebody else who really loves me and pay attention to me last night. It's a funny one though, he was a cute teenage singer. I'm losing...<P>Yesterday was my birthday and he bought me flowers. On a little card from flower shop, it said "happy birthday" and he signed our kids names, and "Dad." He's not my dad, he never signed "Dad" instead of his name on a card for me before.<P>I don't know if the OW still keeps calling him. When he's cold, I even doubt if he's still seeing her. Not likely, but who knows. I can't ask any question any more. I don't know how. But does it matter if he still has contact or not? I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how I feel. I'm gonna cry for a while since he's not home right now.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Alien-<BR>I know what you're going through! You are not alone at all. My H doesn't want me at all and is in the process of moving in with OW. It kills me, especially since they're moving 45 minutes away. I won't even have him within proximity to me. The only consolation is that we have a child together, so maybe that will be my only opportunity to see him. If he takes the initiative to come around for her. So far he hasn't though. All I can say is that it takes a lot of time to pass for all parties to heal in their own manner. It may not be the outcome you want, or me for that matter, but it may be the outcome that is best. Just remember that you did not drive your H away, he has to take responsibility for his own actions. God says there is no marriage that cannot be saved if both parties are willing to work at it. That is my downfall because my H does not believe in counseling and does not have the desire to reconcile. Just take things slowly and see what happens. If you don't feel comfortable kissing his butt, just focus on making yourself the type of person you would want to be around. H will see the difference in you and make his own judgments. Good luck and keep posting.<P>