I am a husband of 2 wonderful children who has been married for over 10 years to a wonderful wife. Out of ignorance and some resentment but not lack of love and caring I have failed to meet my wife's emotional needs. I realize now that she has never met mine either. I think I am just stronger and able to endure the lack of love for the sake of my children. I discovered that she has recently been sharing her feelings with another man, whom she says has shown her that she is not a bad person and whom she is deeply attracted to; however, she states they have not had sex and I believe her. She left for three days and stayed with him supposedly talking things out... she was ready to leave me; however, in the interim I realized something was seriously wrong and began to educate myself via this website. I realize what I have done wrong and truly want to do the right thing.. I love her deeply. She is now torn between us. I know that what she has with him is not reality... that I can meet her needs better and love her better. I am going crazy. I want my wife back; however, I want her to truly want me... not be forced. I'm trying to show my love by explaining that I now see what she has been going through and want to work this out. However, she is addicted to him... I let her know how I feel about him and her but she says she is confused and still needs to talk to him because he helps her. I am an honorable man... always have been. I base my life on principle and this is killing me. I want her to be happy and thus it looks like I have to try to make love deposits while allowing her to still see this jerk (true men don't do this dammit... why can't she see it?) I'm dying... please pray for me and my family. I know no matter what I will be ok... but my babies... oh my precious babies... God watch over us.<P>My plan is to try to give her space, make lovebank deposits when possible, be the good father i've always been, show strength and sacrificial love. It hurts me each time she goes somewhere with him (I told her to be honest with me, tell me everything)... sometimes she doesn't get home until 4am! Enduring this goes against my very being... there is no honor here... just betrayal. I don't want to seem weak in her eyes; however, I don't want to give her reason to run to him. I think I can do this for about a month (we should be entering counseling soon) and then re-evaluate. The danger is that each time she runs to him I fall a little more out of love. I want to respect her but damn this is wrong. Pray for me and my family... any help is appreciated.

Hang in there buddy, I know what you are going through. Been M almost 20 yrs myself and it hurts deeply, I am lucky in that her<BR>A was shortlived and is over and we are on our way to recovery, I hope, but I still hurt everyday. I got her to come into MB site with me and it has helped both of us alot. Hope things work out for you, Me & W will be praying for you and your family.<P><BR>God Bless & Good Luck

Sounds like you are a party to the same marriage I am, only my wife has gone much farther with her affair than yours and has initiated divorce. Like you, I have begun to realize, possibly too late, that I was leaving many emotional needs unmet.<P>Some times I wish that I could care as little about her as she does about me, as little about our marriage and family as she apparently does. Most times I am filled with remorse for the way I have treated her over the years and with a longing to put our relationship right.<P>Enduring this crap does go against every principle that I hold, but to walk away from the hope, however faint, of rebuilding my marriage in the way God intended is even more abhorent. I need to be able to look in the mirror every day for the rest of my life and KNOW that I did all that I could.<P>We cannot control the had we are dealt, but we can make the conscious decision to play that hand with integrity and honor. I wouldn't wish this hand on my worst enemy. Nonetheless, the play that I must now make is to work, to the best of my ability, to rebuild my marriage. I cannot take the perspective that this effort will probably fail; I must take the perspective that it may succeed.<P>I know all too well the pain you are going through and wish that I had some wise words of advice. Unfortunately, I do not. All that I know for certain is that God promises He has a plan for us, and that plan is good. He also reveals His plans in His time, not ours. Know you are in my prayers.<P>

Thanks for your replies. Much has happened in the last few days. I read "Winning Your Wife Back" and much of what it says parallels marriage builders techniques.<BR>Basically I am instructed to give my wife what she needs... space, time, understanding, compassion... show her that I understand why she ran to another man for emotional support and is now willing to break our family apart to pursue her desires. I was strong the first 3 days and heartfelt in our discussions... I believe she realized I could listen to her. I told her that I realize I wasn't meeting her needs.. that the major fault with our marriage was lack of openness and honesty (on both our parts!). Believe me I never purposefully became closed. We married young and at the time I was mature and a strong Giver while she was immature and a strong Taker. She says the first two years were great; however, they were hell for me. I realize now that I finally started to build shields around myself just to protect myself. Everytime I opened up she would hurt me. Thus, I became cold. I could see that I put doubt in her plan to just leave. I tried to only provide positives... I know she saw how much I loved her... I even said that if she had to talk to the other guy I couldn't stop her, but I loved her. I'll be damn if she didn't leave shortly after to talk to him... then called me to tell me that they were going to a movie and then didn't show up until 4am while I was upstairs sleeping with my children.<BR>Well here we are now... this guy has seemed to help her become stronger and understand things. He tells her that she should come back to me (which only makes her more attracted to him). She says he reminds her of me when we first met... that hurt.<BR>I'm so confused. I am attracted to my wife in ways I haven't been for some time. She seems maturer in many ways... I realize that if this guy wasn't in the picture we could make it... if she put the same amount of energy into OUR relationship. Another weird thing is that this event has freed me. I am so close to God now... so much stronger in many ways. It's so sad... I am a good man... I know I could find someone else.. but because of honor I must try to make this work. I still love her. I even worry for her... odds are highly her relationship with him will not work. I hope I want her back in the end. Thanks for your prayers.<P>