About a month ago I found out my husband was having an affair with his legal assistant(secretary). It probably would still be going on if I hadn't been nosey.It hurts so much. She has been at the office (Law office) for 2 yrs. The day before my husband & went on a weekend trip (just the 2 of us) they had slept together in a motel. He confessed everything to me. He said it only happened 3 times. She is going thru a divorce, and they were good friends, began e-mailing each other after hours. Well, she told him she was in love with him. He said he was feeling something for her too. <BR>After we got back from our trip, he said something to me that made think they were having something. He was going to run an errand and said that if "linda" called or anybody from the office, tell them that we took the kids with us. I said why would I say that. He said that is just what he had told some clients. It didn't make any sense to me. So I just went in his briefcase cause I was suspicious and I had found a wine opener, cologne, and a card that she had wrote him. It was confessing her love for him.I felt so sick so I went driving. Went to find him. When he came back, he denied everything first, then half way confessed. I didn't know everything until a few days later. I started checking his e-mail. I figured out his password. She had wrote him saying that they had a beautiful Thursday together & hoped they have more of those. Well, he knew then that he better tell me everything. He confessed everything to me. Told me it was over, and was over to him after going with me on our trip. They spent the day together the day before our trip. <BR>The problem is, she is still there as his secretary and I can't take it much longer. I am rude to her. He says he feels nothing for her. I need to know what I should. He doesn't have enough money to hire someone else right now. It's a busy time & money is tight.

My H's OW was also a co-worker of his at his parents' business, going through a divorce, etc. Fortunately, as soon as he confessed to me (I was totally clueless), he ended their relationship, except for on the job. Without coming right out and asking her to quit, he encouraged her to find something else, mainly for me, but also because after her divorce she would be needing more income and possibly benefits like insurance. We never told his parents or I'm sure she would have been fired immediately, but their hearts would have been broken. <P>There were many, many days that I didn't know if I could take it any more. She always answered the phone when I called, plus knowing how she usually dressed (for attention), and that I might still be compared to her absolutely drove me crazy. H was very supportive, told me he loved me and only me, etc. He also did his best to keep contact with her at work to a minimum. To make a long story short, after 7 long weeks, she finally left. It has helped tremendously. <P>I'm not sure I understand how your H can't afford to hire someone else, if OW will no longer be working for him. I understand that he might not be able to fire her (sexual harrassment?), but could he possibly encourage her to find something else, for her benefit as well?<P>I KNOW how hard it is! Hopefully, things will work out for you soon! It may seem next to impossible at times, but try not to dwell on thoughts of her. I literally made myself sick at times. Be thankful that your H says he has no feelings for her. Hang in there!

Welcome <B>lucyufbker</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...check out the mechanics of it at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Now... about the OW...<BR>...I feel that it is time for your H to find a new legal assistance ASAP...<P>To address this issue...<BR>...seek counseling that supports this basic concept of Marriage Builders... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. (page 55 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> and <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If you think think "he" doesn't have enough money now...<BR>...he have even less after a divorce!<P>Do get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>. And read it!<P>To aid you in ideas for "separation" between your H and OW...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Prayers for you...<P> <P>Jim

To perservering,<BR>Thanks for the encourgment. It's hard everyday. Today though I went to the office, just to visit. Spoke to everyone, walked by the OW. She looked at me and smiled. Thought I would lose it. H knows now that he had better hurry up and find another OW. Sexual harrassment isn't the problem he said. She initiated the affair and if anything it would hurt her divorce proceedings if I were to ever say anything. Before I found out, the soon-to-be ex was threatened to come tell me about the affair. Apparently, he knew all about it. They were separated and he had a private investigator watching her. He saw her & my husband on 3 different occasions. At that time, my husband just told me that they were having lunch together, nothing unusual about that I thought at the time. That was in the spring of this year before I ever even thought of him having an affair. I believed him at that time. He has told me that at that time, he was lying and that her ex was telling the truth. I wanted to know everything, and he has told me everything and more than I can stand. I guess that I will just keep on visiting the office. He has apologized a million time. The time has come for her to go. I guess I will just have to hurry him up. I won't stay with him too much longer if she doesn't leave the office. It hurts too much.

Wow! Dejavu. Just checking in to see if there was anyone here I could help. Saw your post and it hit me like a load of bricks. Last April (1999), my H confessed to his year-long affair with HIS legal assistant (secretary). He gave me the same song and dance about getting rid of her. I told him he could not come back and even try to work things out with me until she was gone, for good. He got rid of her two days later. We had a few "glitches" over the next month, but we are now happily still on our way through recovery. It DOES get easier. And, guess who is doing the typing (among other things ) now? You got it -- me. I stay at home with the kids in the afternoon. Type from home at night. And, go into the office while the kids are in preschool.<BR>I tell you all this for two reasons:<BR>1. you will survive, the situation is NOT as hopeless as you feel right now; and<BR>2. HE NEEDS TO GET RID OF THE SECRETARY NOW! You cannot begin to work on this and heal until she is GONE. If it takes making him leave until he gets rid of her, do that. Let me know how it works out.

To: Sis<BR>Thanks for your reply. My husband has been telling as soon as he can settle some cases, he will let her go. He says that due to the office's financial situation, he cannot hire anyone who sees that there is not alot of money in the office, where as the legal assistant knows the financial situation. I am trying to be patient, but it's hard knowing what they had together & the fact that they are at the office. He has 2 other lawyers & up there so that they aren't alone. One of the lawyers has a secretary, but she is only a temporary herself & won't be there long. I just don't know how we can ever recover with her up there. He assures me that there is nothing going on and she is involved with someone else. I don't think that she is involved, but I do believe that they aren't involved anymore. He knows that if so much as goes to lunch (group lunch or not) I'm will leave him. His birthday is coming up soon, and they all go out for the birthdays, I told him she better not go to his. What do you think? Thanks.

Hey Lucy. I know, you have to do what you have to do. It IS so hard, though. My H got rid of OW within 2 days of him admitting the affair. BUT, I had caught him lying and other things long before, so, it really took about 8 months for him to get rid of her from when I first started asking him to. That is a HARD time. Just do whatever helps you get through it -- stop by his office, often, unannounced, WHATEVER. My h and I survived and are happier than before, so it IS possible. I wish you the best of luck. If you want to email me, bdebener@yahoo.com. Let me know how it goes or if you just need to vent occasionally. - SIS (Beth)

Thanks Sis for the reply. I will drop in unannounced often. The other day I was having a bad day. I called up there and just told her how bad she was herself for getting involved with a married man. She did say that she initiated the affair, but that it "wasn't casual, there were real feelings of love". I just wanted to reach thru the phone and strangle her. She is going thru her divorce, and my H was there when she needed a friend. I asked her if she was planning on leaving and she said that he (H)said to stay until we can get the crunch of financial problems & the problems at home with us. I did confront my H and he said he would now let her go. They both had said that nothing else is going on. She said that he chose me...but somehow that doesn't make me feel any better. I am not sure what to do. No money, no job (I'm a stay at home mom) no college degree. Time will tell, I guess.