hello, i need your advice,<BR>i found out last week that my hubby was seeing another woman. this is not the first time. 8 yrs. ago he had an affair. we worked very hard on our marriage. i learned to forgive, but i never forgot. i always told him i could not forgive the second time. <BR>well, now is that time, and i don't know what to do. i'm so confused and hurt.<BR>i feel used and betrayed amd right now i'm not willing to work on our marriage.<BR>he moved out 2 days ago. my problem is i'm angry but i'm not able to explode. i'm so calm about it, it scares him and myself.<BR>i think after all these yrs. telling myself, that i couldn't forgive a second affair, my mind is made up. I THINK!! I DON"T KNOW!!!<BR>have i turned cold? don't i care anymore?<BR>please help me understand my feelings.<BR>a confused friend, looking for help!!

Hi<P>I am so sorry it has to happen again.<P>I speak from my own belief - I will not give my WS a second chance to stab me in the heart.<P>My church, counsellor, family and friends and myself have said NO more As.<P>One does not need to Forget the A, altho it should be forgiven. If we forget everything, life's lessons hold no value and we might as well be walking around with amnesia (our brains blank).<P>I personally cannot stomach anymore infidelity whatever the reason. I would seek maintenance and 'suck' the life (he can afford) out of him for my baby's future and my retirement. But I will still advocate Forgiveness to purge the tormentors and bitterness out of your system.<P>I am reading "forgive and forget - healing the hurts you do not deserve" by Lewis B Smedes.<P>BUT there are other ways of looking at the second A:<BR>you may want to stick with the marriage for reasons I an not privy to.<P>You may want to see a counsellor<P>I know others will post here, and hopefully some posts will help give you a better assessment of the situation you are in, especially those BS who have survived more than one A.<P>Meanwhile, stay focused and take a break. Pray hard and commit your sorrows to God.

good morning...Just a little psychology this morning. You can do with it what you will. <P>Our mind believes and acts out what is replayed over and over. Since your H last A, you have told him and yourself that you would not forgive another time...you have thought about it I am sure, many times. Your brain sees only this and has prepared for the offending occasion. This is why you are so unemotional know.<P>My suggestion is to look to your heart right now and think if there are any positive reasons why you might want to forgive this time. Actually, no matter what you decide it will be important for you to forgive so that it is not eating away at you.<P>If there are reasons you would consider staying, you need to start planting those positive thoughts in your mind so that they can grow...<P>one last piece of advice...don't let other people influence you in this decision. It is your life and you alone can live it...<P>God Bless You.

thanks for your input, <BR>my problem is, that i'm just to caring. i wonder where he is, wonder what he's doing and i'm worried. i ask myself all the time, "why do i care".<BR>am i weird? or just confused. i know in my heart that i can't forgive him right now, maybe in time. MAYBE!!<BR>all in all, he's been a good and caring husband for almost 18 yrs.<BR>he told me he's been unhappy for a lomg time, and then he says " isn't there anything we can do?" he says i make him uncomptable in public then he says " i will always love you"<BR>??????????????????????????<BR>i've been racking my brains trying to figure him out. i can't.<BR>i have never been with another man in my life, i met my hubby when i was 15, left my country in hope for a fairy tale.<BR>my son (16) seems to be very confused. when i asked him if he wanted to talk about it he said" i don't wanna know nothing, the less i know the less it hurts" i told him, that when he is ready to talk, i'll be here for him!!!!<BR>a lot of ppl. told me to seek marriage counceling, but frankly i don't know if i wanna try to make it work.<BR>i feel like the only person i ever trusted, just stabbed me in my heart.<BR>i don't have any close friends, but i am a strong person and i hope i can find a way to deal with this.<BR>i think i'm just gonna deal with this day bye day and hopefully ONE DAY make up my mind!!<BR>thank you, i need all the advice i can get.

Hi, it's me weep again and I will make it short as I have to run.<P>You both definitely need counselling and the issues would be along the themes of trust, acceptable boundaries of behaviour, communication, what each needs from the marriage and from one another, the child and dealing with parents' marital problems, and a few that you may be able to jot down with the help of your husband.<P>It's good that you still love him, because then you are more or less focused in one direction - that towards reconciliation (am I right?).<P>You really need to sit down with your husband after checking out on the type of counselling facilities available near where you live.<P>I think you know best what you want out of the marriage, and how to deal with this problem and others would help a great deal for your future security and stability.

When the person you trust 110% does this - it is like a stab in the heart, leaving an open wound on the soul! Everyone on this board can relate to this awful feeling and that is why it is so good to come here.<BR>Before any forgiveness there must be trust again, and before trust, there must be committment. I agree that counselling is your best first move in all of this. I can't help thinking that your resolve to never forgive a second affair, almost made you expect a second affair to happen??? On a subconcious level only. Please do not take that the wrong way - you are not the cause of your husband's weakness. But - we surprise ourselves at how we really react - we love them "warts and all" don't we? Definitely get the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring - it is wonderful and very very helpful. Seek support - don't try to be strong by yourself.<BR>God Bless.