I am a bit confused. My husband had left two months ago (the usual reasons--doesn't love me, can't live with me, we're different, etc.). He was on the fence about reconciliation or counseling because he wasn't sure he wanted to work things out. We did agree however not to see other people or date. That seemed obvious to me.<P>I had suspected that he was getting too close to a young girl at work. He's in mid-twenties and she's 18. I am quite trusting and have really never been jealous. At least not obnoxiously. He always denied any involvement with this "kid." <P>About two weeks ago he told me he had a hard week because a close friend of his left for college. I knew who it was. I had been feeling quite apprehensive about her for about three months before he left because I felt our relationship deteriorating. He had been unhappy for a while but I'm a little dense. We had a big fight and he insisted again that he didn't have romantic feelings for her, but he had considered it.<P>About three days later, he makes a decision that he doesn't want a divorce, that he understands the difference between mature love and that falling in love feeling when you first meet. He also knows that he wants a woman--not a girl. He wants counseling, began reading books, and talks of moving home. Here's the kicker: he tells me that he did have romantic feelings for this girl; he kissed her on the cheek once but has figured out that she just made him feel wanted and special--true and classic affair reasoning. He said he needed distance from her to see things about me clearly. He also claims that he didn't begin spending any real time with her until after our separation and that they never had sex. I do believe the sex part, but I am still crushed by the EA. <P>She has since moved out of state. She had plans to write him and call him, and he seemed reluctant to call her to tell her that he was reconciling with me. He finally decided to write her a letter to tell her not to contact him, but she is still friends with his friends. How can they totally avoid contact? How can I learn to trust him and what he says since he has lied in the past? I have no way of knowing if he is lying, but I don't want to be a fool.<P>Any advice on how to forgive and trust again? Suggested reading?<P>

Forgiveness references...<P><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003000.html" TARGET=_blank>The apology letter from my husband</A>…..Crushed…..5/18/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000<P>Now about the issue of your H's contact...<P>Since he is reading... get him to read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P>...in particular... ...straight from the book...<P>Total separation - The right way to end an affair<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. (page 55 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter(on page 58-59 of SAA)<BR>Extraordinary precautions must be taken to guarantee separation...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Easy access to a former lover must be avoided at all costs. (page 60 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A secret life depends not only on hidden time, but also on hidden money. (page 62 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>When there's less emotional attachment<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. (page 65 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>(6) - Preparing for marital recovery<BR>Getting through withdrawal<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Marital recovery cannot begin until withdrawal has ended. (page 68 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>An affair offers no painless escape<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The pain of total separation from a lover is great at first, but eventually comes to an end, and marital recovery can then begin. (page 70 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <P>Jim