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#402190 09/05/00 10:57 AM
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Gill Offline OP
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I need opinions on the following issue. I have read through the posts on "signs of an affair" and my wife exhibits some of these things and not others...I am not stupid or crazy. If your spouse exhibited the following behavior, what would you think?

- Rarely says "I love you" anymore.
- I got her a car and she does not even leave the spare set of keys around although I do drive in the car with her occasionally.
- She has a cell phone but does not get any calls at home. However, she does talk about getting her own phone w/E-mail and a calling card ostensibly for emergencies.
- She does exhibit an extremely high interest in her appearance. Talks about cosmetic surgery. Also, has her business partner (overweight) on diet drinks (like herself). He is my suspect.
- Has discussed taking a trip "alone" to a Spa where minimal contact is available.
- Seems concerned about my walking around the neighborhood and who I talk to when I do.
- Has focused on infidelity more than usual lately. Has taken an accusatory tone with me at times even though I basically work 7:30 AM to 6:00 PM and come right home EVERY day.
- Seems interested in knowing when I might be working late or if I will be travelling on business anytime soon.
- Her level of affection towards me has dwindled to nearly nothing.

These issues and my "gut" make me think something is going on. I have asked her point-blank several times recently if she still loved me and whether she was interested in working to keep our marriage intact. The answers to both were yes although her answer to whether she still loved me was not very enthusiastic. She also has denied that anything is going on. As a result of an Internet Affair, I have been Plan Aing for 4 weeks. She has said that she has a comfortable life with me (financially) and the kids. She also said that if I leave she will be forced to sell the house and lose all the security she has. Yet, while I see signs that things might be improving a bit, I am unsure if it's her trying to make me feel comfortable so she can get the free time needed for her "other activities". I want things to work and the Plan A is hard because I am doing all the work. However, the potential that she's having this affair and is continuing it under my nose, makes me very upset. It is especially trying since she won't tell the truth. If I knew it would hurt but I'd at least know where I stood. I think she fears being discovered because of her community standing: she teaches religion to children and participates in other church-related functions. If this person I suspect is the OM, he does not have the income to keep her in the lifestyle she currently is accustomed to...If he gives her attentiveness and emotional support, then I hope the Plan A I am doing will sway her back to me. I really want our life together. The other frustration is how can I compete with a man with an empty apartment when I have a house w/3 kids and a mother-in-law. We have no privacy and it ruins chances for intimacy that I'm sure the OM can provide???


#402191 09/05/00 11:22 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
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Gill,

Those behaviors are true indicators...
...don't ignore them.

Don't rely on "religious" attitudes...
My W, too, was a CCD teacher for 5+ years...
...and highly respected!
She's been out of the house for a year now...
...and sees nothing wrong with "committing adultery" now... even admits it!

Three things that came to mind...
1. Consider counseling... even if it's for yourself...I would recommend that you have a couple of telephone counseling sessions (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with Steven W. Harley or Jennifer Harley. Check out the Counseling Center... and for some specifics... Fees for Counseling Services and Scheduling an Appointment (888-639-1639)!
It let's your W know you are serious!

2. If you can work on

quote:
The Rule of Time: Take time to give your spouse undivided attention. (page 127 of SAA)
! Get your MIL to watch the kids at least once a week (if possible... or more!)

3. Rejuvinate your marriage with some passion!


  1. A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau
  2. Passionate Marriage : Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships by David Schnarch
  3. Sex Begins in the Kitchen : Because Love Is an All-Day Affair by Kevin Leman
  4. What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men by Patrick M. Morley

and...

General Realtionships
Relationship-growth
Relationshipweb
Loving you
Light Your Fire

Jim


#402192 09/06/00 06:47 AM
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Gill Offline OP
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Thanks for your response. I am giving her plenty of attention but I see a restlessness every day. Last night we watched TV and talked while I rubbed her back. Things seem slightly improved but then she had a restless night and got up a few times. She is still pursuing the weekend away alone. I obviously don't want her to go. Should I just make a stand and say I think it's more important to work on the marriage than take time away? I am sure she'll use the excuse she needs time to "think". Part of me wants to let her go and follow to find out the truth. I know it's a BIG LB but I really think she's using the trust angle to her advantage. I don't want to be the fool here. What makes me sad is that I have asked her to tell me the truth if there is someone else. I would rather know than go through a Plan A while she uses this free time to see the OM. What about our three kids (3,5 and 7)and the pain it will cause them?? Is she willing to throw it all away????? Does she know what she wants????

#402193 09/09/00 07:34 AM
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Get out of that cramped house and take her away for a weekend, even if it's just a place in town at a hotel.

I would approach it this way: whoever the guy is (and it's probably the business partner), she's probably already gotten fully intimate by now. That's history. You are trying to win her back. You can't fully woo her at your best if you are constantly thinking "has she really gone all the way?" Just assume she has and will continue to if you don't win her back.

Most women lose all sense of reality between the ages of 36 and 37. Is she this age?

Guilt won't work. Sermons won't work. Guilt because you are treating her like a princess and making her feel YOUNG again is what will make her be consumed with guilt. She will attack you, try to get you to say mean things so she won't feel guilty anymore.

Stand firm. But do it in a hotel room. You can't win doing everything from that crammed house with no privacy.

Good luck.



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