Hello All,<P>My Wife and I have been married for 15 years this year and we have 3 kids (8,10,13). A year ago we had a spat and she admitted having an Affair. the Other Man was also married and in difficulties with his W and eventually abandoned my W and she stayed with me. I know know this destroyed her confidence and left her emotionally wrecked. I also felt destroyed as I knew then, I had only got her back on the rebound, not because it was what she wanted. We tried to get our life sorted out, but it seems after all this time, that I am still not meeting her most important needs.<P>I only just found Dr Harley's web pages 2 months ago, when she again told me that she thought we could not continue and I turned to the Internet in desperation and the hope of finding guidance.<P>This time, I have been able to understand what is happening and I am sure that by being supportive and creating the right environment, she is feeling better about me. Unfortunately as she feels safe to share more with me, I have had to endure another shattering revelation: that she is again having an A with another, different M. She tells me that it is not sexual (I don't belive her as the last A certainly was by her own admission and she does not want S with me). However, she thinks that she feels love for him and she also thinks that he has similar feelings for her.<P>I am totally devastated, as much with myself for not finding these web pages sooner, but also that she is saying the same things now as she said a year ago.<P>She says she feels confused: She stays at home with me, cuddles in bed (but no S) and shows other occasional signs of being in the state of conflict. If I am honest, she seems to very briefly peak into intimacy for 30mins to an hour now and again, but then seems to become scared that she is getting too close perhaps, or that I might stop making the effort if she starts to show love for me again. She then seems to just crash-dive into withdrawal.<P>She reluctantly agreed to attend councilling with me and had our first C session on Monday. But before going, she said that she did not want to go, because it would mean re-living all of the unhappiness associated with her recent revelations to me, with the councillor. I suppose that I gave her a way out by saying that I would not mention her A or the OM and instead leave that to her. In the end, she never mentioned it to the C and I don't know what to make of that.<P>But during the session, she did say some positive things to the councillor: That I seem to be trying harder, that she felt we were moving forward, that she had noticed other changes for the better.<P>But outside of the C session, MY needs are still going unmet! I would like more intimacy too, more affection too, more friendship too! After having found details of Plan A&B, I am now trying so hard to work on our M. But if all she wants to do is forget it ever happened, (is this what not telling the councillor about the A means?) how can we ever move forward?<P>I have mentioned the web site and printed a few articles out for her, but can't get her to talk about them or even if she has read them. I feel that I can't push her to do this as it seems disrespectful. What do I do? How can we get to the point where she feels safe enough to want to meet my needs, without first understanding the process I am trying to follow?<P>I feel so frustrated: I am so glad that I work all day as I can get rid of all my LB thoughts and emotions before I get home. But as for any other issues such as PoJA, I feel I can't even describe it to her, let alone try it.<P>Sorry for rambling on.<P><BR>------------------<BR>BeQIK<BR>London<P>[This message has been edited by BeQik (edited September 06, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by BeQik (edited September 07, 2000).]
