I wrote this last night while off-line. It was actually addressed to Dr. Harley but I didn't know there was a forums section at the time so I've decided to post it here for now.<P>I have read your Basic concepts section as well as your section on surviving infidelity. Thank you, they have given me a new hope.<P>Two days ago I admitted to my wife to having had a "one-night-stand" with another woman about two years ago. We only got married six months ago, but we were in a serious relationship at the time and were infact living together. I also admitted to having had several "one-night-stands" during the first three or four months of our relationship.<BR>Naturally my wife is devistated by this news.<P>I have wrestled for a long time about these infidelities and have concluded that I suffered an identity crisis at the time. I was very much a Cassanova and a "good-time-charlie" at the time that we met and I feel that these one-night-stands were more of an ego boost and the result of conditioning than anything else. The incident that occured two years ago I beleive, was the result of feeling insecure about loosing the "Cassanova" side of me and the fear of commitment - ofhaving to break down the barriers I had built up over many years.<P>Of course a few days after this cheating, I asked her to marry me - I suppose partly out of guilt, partly out of having hated the experience of the on-night-stand and partly the result of some soul-searching. I come from a dysfunctional home and having read you "basic concepts" I have realised that I have much work to do. My wife is the most beautiful person I have ever known and while filling out your "Love Busters" questionnaire I could not think of one hurtfull thing she has ever done to me. My love bank is empty, but not because of her actions or lack thereof, it is because of my own walls and barriers that I have built through my life. I have much work to do before I can be a fulfilling husband to her and before I allow her to be a fulfilling wife to me.<P>The main reason that I am writing however, is that I have read your column on resentment but I still have some questions. (And I know this is a difficult subject for you!) I believe that it is my duty to do everything that I can to help her heal and I would like to know what I can do on my part to heal / prevent / diminish the resentment that will follow.<P>I have known two of my wifes previous sexual partners personaly and I am aware of the pain that the thought of one's wife in the act of love making with someone else (with all the visual images in the minds eye) can bring. These last two days have been traumatic for us, but we have been communicating like never before. I sense however that she cannot bear to be touched by me. I know that the thought of love-making is an impossibility for her right now. (She is presently staying with her mother)<P>How can I help her to forget, to remove or diminish these images from her minds eye? I understand that it may take some time before this will happen. I will naturally follow your advice and fill her love bank as much as possible. Should we avoid love-making and concentrate on affection for the time being or should we attempt love-making fairly shortly? I would hate for her to ever associate my touch with infidelity. We have always had a good sexual relationship and she has always been able to reach orgasm. I would hate to take that away from her. I feel that perhaps we should just be "loving freinds" for now, in the hope that when we do make love some day that these awful things are forgotten. If we do attempt love-making are there any precautions that I should take. Should I interrupt the act if I see any signs of discontent - would this help in the long term or would this merely make her feel rejected?<P>Please Dr. is there any advice you could give me/us in these early stages of dealing with this terrible ordeal.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GuiltyH:<BR><B>I wrote this last night while off-line. It was actually addressed to Dr. Harley but I didn't know there was a forums section at the time so I've decided to post it here for now.<P>I have read your Basic concepts section as well as your section on surviving infidelity. Thank you, they have given me a new hope.<P>Two days ago I admitted to my wife to having had a "one-night-stand" with another woman about two years ago. We only got married six months ago, but we were in a serious relationship at the time and were infact living together. I also admitted to having had several "one-night-stands" during the first three or four months of our relationship.<BR>Naturally my wife is devistated by this news.<P>I have wrestled for a long time about these infidelities and have concluded that I suffered an identity crisis at the time. I was very much a Cassanova and a "good-time-charlie" at the time that we met and I feel that these one-night-stands were more of an ego boost and the result of conditioning than anything else. The incident that occured two years ago I beleive, was the result of feeling insecure about loosing the "Cassanova" side of me and the fear of commitment - ofhaving to break down the barriers I had built up over many years.<P>Of course a few days after this cheating, I asked her to marry me - I suppose partly out of guilt, partly out of having hated the experience of the on-night-stand and partly the result of some soul-searching. I come from a dysfunctional home and having read you "basic concepts" I have realised that I have much work to do. My wife is the most beautiful person I have ever known and while filling out your "Love Busters" questionnaire I could not think of one hurtfull thing she has ever done to me. My love bank is empty, but not because of her actions or lack thereof, it is because of my own walls and barriers that I have built through my life. I have much work to do before I can be a fulfilling husband to her and before I allow her to be a fulfilling wife to me.<P>The main reason that I am writing however, is that I have read your column on resentment but I still have some questions. (And I know this is a difficult subject for you!) I believe that it is my duty to do everything that I can to help her heal and I would like to know what I can do on my part to heal / prevent / diminish the resentment that will follow.<P>I have known two of my wifes previous sexual partners personaly and I am aware of the pain that the thought of one's wife in the act of love making with someone else (with all the visual images in the minds eye) can bring. These last two days have been traumatic for us, but we have been communicating like never before. I sense however that she cannot bear to be touched by me. I know that the thought of love-making is an impossibility for her right now. (She is presently staying with her mother)<P>How can I help her to forget, to remove or diminish these images from her minds eye? I understand that it may take some time before this will happen. I will naturally follow your advice and fill her love bank as much as possible. Should we avoid love-making and concentrate on affection for the time being or should we attempt love-making fairly shortly? I would hate for her to ever associate my touch with infidelity. We have always had a good sexual relationship and she has always been able to reach orgasm. I would hate to take that away from her. I feel that perhaps we should just be "loving freinds" for now, in the hope that when we do make love some day that these awful things are forgotten. If we do attempt love-making are there any precautions that I should take. Should I interrupt the act if I see any signs of discontent - would this help in the long term or would this merely make her feel rejected?<P>Please Dr. is there any advice you could give me/us in these early stages of dealing with this terrible ordeal.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I can only give advice from the perspective of the one lying there picturing the OW. You should be very supportive, attententive, and affectionate right now. You should not make a big deal out of sex, but make her feel secure and attractive at all times.<P>Why did you tell your W? Were you going to be caught or was the guilt killing you or was she suspicious and asking questions? The reason you told her will make a difference to her.<P>You should probably tell your W about this site. Maybe it would be nice for her to have an objective point of view and no embarassment from having to discuss it with friends and family.<P>Goodluck<BR>

I would encourage you to get into individual counseling to deal with the issues in your background that made it easy for you to be unfaithful. You are wise to see that your wife bears no blame for this....that you alone are responsible.<P>I also encourage you to read the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is my favorite book on healing after an affair. Taking the time and making the effort to educate yourself and get into counseling will speak volumes to your wife.<P>Give her the room she needs to be angry with you. Her anger is legitimate and needs to be expressed in healthy ways. Turn your life inside out for her...no private email accounts....no friendships that don't include her.....no friendships with women, period. Keep her aware of your every move every day....call her if your plans change....call her if you will be even 5 minutes late getting home from work. Spend all of your spare time with her. Let her know that you are going to do anything you can to earn her trust back and that you are committed to her healing and to the healing of your marriage. <P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thank you both for your replies.<P>I have always wanted to go for counseling (prior to our engagement even) - I guess this was my wake up call.<P>As for your question burnedagain, I think my wife always new intuitively. There was a TV programme here in South Africa about lying and how you could catch people out - and so she asked me - and I lied again to her - telling her only about the infidelities that occured at the beginning of our courtship. <P>About an hour later I confessed everything. I have always wanted to tell her, probably mostly out of guilt, and after some thought I realised it was the perfect opportunity.<P>I'm still not sure whether she realises that I really wanted to tell her.<P>I will follow your advice about affection and "the little things" - do you think there might be any way I could possibly "smother" her with affection? Or do you think she might not be ready for my affections in any way?<P>Thanks.<BR>