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#402502 09/26/00 11:48 AM
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I don't know how often you get both spouses posting on this forum... My H is "hurt her" and he has already posted. <P>As is clear from the loving detail of his post about how he met the OW, she really lit him up emotionally. He is ALMOST willing to let her go forever, it seems, but he can't quite do it. For example, last night in our couples therapy session, he said that if she contacted him again, he would say he had to work on his marriage and couldn't be in any contact with her at all "right now." The therapist and I both noticed that phrase... he is still wanting to keep his options open. <P>It seems obvious to many of those who have heard this story that she is not a trustworthy, well-balanced person, yet he seems to believe he might have a glowing future with her and this (meeting her) might have been his "miracle." (One obvious possibility is that she is looking for an American citizen to marry so she can stay in this country. She also knows my H makes a good salary.) <P>He is not sure he wants to stay with me. <P>My bottom line is, I will work tenaciously on this marriage if he wants to keep trying, but this ambivalence, this holding onto the OW, is making me want to walk away. It's a bit of an impasse because I am not sure he will make a commitment to start working on the marriage again unless I do it first. <P>I have spent more emotional energy trying to soothe him and attend to his sense of loss and crisis than anyone has spent on my loss and crisis. I am afraid of what will happen if I stop being there for him in this matter. <P>I welcome any comments, but especially, I want to know how I can work Plan A when I am not sure I want to stay in the marriage myself? My need for it to be at least somewhat mutual seems overpowering right now and it might not be realistic. <P>I deeply admire some of you who are able to want to stay together in the face of far more extensive infidelity and other challenges than we have. Yet what I am facing seems overwhelming to me, not trivial at all...

#402503 09/26/00 02:17 PM
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Hi, Welcome, I'm sorry you have reason to be here but sense you do I am glad you found this place.<P>My h used to post here, but he stopped. <P>It sounds like your h is in lalaland, most of them are. I posted to him yesterday, I see I didn't do much good, I'm sorry for that. I hope he does understand that the little fling was not real. Yes they had a few days together, but those days had none of lifes day to day problems in it. Does he think TOW would be willing to put up with this from him if the shoe were on the other foot ? Not likely.<P>He needs to be aware that not knocking it off could cost him something precious, you !<BR>Is he really willing to do that ? <P>I wish I had great advice for you but I stink at plan A, I have this strange idea that they should be thankful we don't just walk away from them. But we do have some plan A masters around here. You might want to post in General Questions 11 make the post to "LostVA and other Plan A Champs" <BR>I'm sure they can help.<P>Hurt Her, if you are reading this, what is wrong with you guy ? This woman loves you. Will you chance throwing that away for a fantasy ? Pleas stop and thing about how much you wife must be suffering. <P> I'll tell you something h left me for OW#1 who I call wildebeast. She sounds alot like your OW. He met her hitchhiking, told her he was married, his wife didn't understand him, blah blah, blah. 2 weeks later she called, he left. Walked out. Gone. <P>They hadn't been together 2 weeks before she started cheating on him, but by then he was so ashamed of what he had done and how stupid he had been his pride wouldn't let him admit he messed up and come home even though he know I loved him and would take him back.<P>He stayed with that psycho for a year and a half, in that time she slept with anything in pants that would have her. Including his cousin. (She is proud of this and admits it freely) She left h for his best friend. And I was there to pick up the pieces. <P>We have been back together for over 14 years now. <P>But you have to know if you do this there is no guarentee that your w will be there when it comes crashing around your ears, and I promise you it will. In fact, please get a piece of paper and write down the day and time I said that. Because if you go to her, she will hurt you. <P>It's your choice, but it is your w's choice to do whatever she wants after that. Think about it.

#402504 09/26/00 02:50 PM
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"It sounds like your h is in lalaland, most of them are. I posted to him yesterday, I see I didn't do much good, I'm sorry for that." <P>He said he agreed with the posts responding to him, but he just can't quite let go of her....<P>"I hope he does understand that the little fling was not real." <P>He's back and forth. Or so he says. He's one of those people with a compulsion to say what he thinks you want to hear, which has been a huge problem over time in our relationship. <P>"He needs to be aware that not knocking it off could cost him something precious, you !<BR>Is he really willing to do that ?" <P>I think he is going over that very thing in his head right now. <P>"I wish I had great advice for you but I stink at plan A, I have this strange idea that they should be thankful we don't just walk away from them." <P>That made me laugh! I have the same strange idea. I'm not sure I will be much at Plan A to GET him back. If he cuts off contact, though, I think I can do serious marriage work which will involve many of the same kinds of behaviors trying to meet his needs. <BR>If he is able to cut off contact because she never contacts him again, I would accept that. But I would feel MUCH better if he were able to say "I just cannot ever talk to you, be in contact with you, or see you, ever again" if she does contact him. <P>So far I do not think she has contacted him. Apparently she is very angry that he did not race up to bail her out. To me, this is unbelievable -- what did she expect? She is also in lala land. <P>Thank you for your support. I need all I can get right now. <p>[This message has been edited by DamagedGoods (edited September 26, 2000).]

#402505 09/26/00 02:59 PM
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Affairs are all about lalaland ! Remember with an affair there are no responsabilitys ! No bills to pay, no laundry or meals, no annoying squeezing the tooth paste in the middle, she doesn't have to pick up his dirty socks and he doesn't have to worry about her asking him to take out the trash. <P>H needs to remember that he isn't the only one with choices here, you have the right to make some too, and to base them on what he does about this. <P>You said he says he can't quite ler go ? Can he let you go and risk it being for good ? <P>I think we still have a cast iron skillet floating around here somewhere, (joking, well maybe joking) .<P>I know it hurts, as the song says I've been there, that's why I'm here. Hold on it's a rough ride but it can be worth it if he will help you with the driving.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

#402506 09/26/00 08:15 PM
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DamagedGoods: Well I also posted to your H. I grew up where you two are from. And I want to say I hope I didn't scare him off because I KNOW what a small town that is.<P>In any event I think you two still have a good chance at salvaging your marriage. But it has to be wanted by BOTH of you. If both your hearts aren't in it it won't work. True you need to Plan A. Get your reading material. Your H is in a fog and needs someone to clear it. You should be that person. Who better than you to be the one he sees when he comes out of it.<P>You are probably feeling a lot of anger and resentment. God knows I did when I found out. I went from feeling hurt, to being angry, to feeling foolish and every other spectrum on the emotions scale. I've also felt several times like walking away from him. But deep down inside I love this man. I want the man back that I fell in love with 12 1/2 years ago. I know he's in there. I just keep hoping he'll find his way out.<P>You are in the beginning stages. The best time to step up the plan Aing. Remember back when you fell in love with each other. The things you did together. Do them again. Leave sexy notes for him. Even try some things you've never done before. My H and I now talk dirty to each other during intimacy. It's something I never did before because I was so embarrased. Now it's fun and it sure does spice things up. Good Luck. I'll be praying for you. Take Care.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

#402507 09/27/00 01:00 PM
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Update: <P>The OW has (allegedly) flown back to Europe as of last night. She was (allegedly) so torn up by what happened that she decided to go home. <P>Needless to say, I am deeply relieved. I know it's not over until my H lets go for real, but it will be easier for him to do that with her totally unavailable. <P>She did call him yesterday and they talked for 20 minutes. He apologized for hurting her and so on. I'm frustrated that he didn't take a harder line, end the call sooner, etc., but I am also hoping that he got some closure and can now let go more easily. <P>So I am feeling a little more optimistic. <P>I'm not up to sexy little notes. We've hardly had sex for a long time and this A made me even less interested in him. I did the EN questionnaire last night and found that "Sexual Fulfillment" did make my top 5 needs, so I know that it's important to me and I would like to clear away the barriers. It's so hard to know where to start when sex has been a disaster for so long. I'm also terrified that I will start focussing on the OW and picturing them together if I try to be intimate with my H. How do you get past that? I have no idea....


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