<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR><B>BJ-<P>I wish there was a way to get him to open up again. He will not be healed of this until he deals with the core issues and gets into a program or accountability group </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, yesturday I brought up the subject that he may have an addiction since he is still looking at porn and chatting. Besides the fact that we almost ended our marriage when I first found out about it. I brought up the subject in a very subtle way and assured him that I was only there for support in hopes to make it easier for him. Since I've been feeling the need to move on without him, I thought it would be best to at least try to open up the lines of communication and give him the opportunity to realize his addiction. I did not push him, but I was very direct in stating that it is hard to admit to an addiction, but considering that he may have one might be a good idea to further analyze the situation and try to get some kind of help for it. His reply as usual is "I have thought about it before." - That's basically as far as he'll go with the subject. Yes, it does bother me, because if he's not opening up to me, how else are we going to resolve our problems. You (Dogbert) always say that I should be supportive of my H through the tough time he is going through. Well, I tried, but if he doesn't want to admit to it, what else can I do. I am not ready to live a life of deception. I have decided to give him this last chance and hope that he does open up and if he does not, I don't really know what else to do for him. All I know is I need to be happy and right now, I'm not very happy. I know better than to blame him for this addiction. I deeply feel sorry that he has it, because it simply does not help our M grow. Instead of working on our M, we instead are heading for disaster - D. I feel very strongly about honoring our marriage vows and the deception has ruined those vows left and right. What's the point of M if you can't live up to the very promises you gave each other in matramony. <P><BR>I am not too certain where this M is going now, but I will wait for a little while and see if he gives an effort to even talk about it with me or anyone else that might be able to help. If not, then I'm devastated to say that I can't go on in a distructive relationship. <P>I wish I had the strength to move forward, but with one person not willing to work with the other - It seems imposible to accomplish a happy relationship.<P>-BJ- "Wishing for a brighter tomorrow"<P><BR>

I hear you sister. I had those very thoughts for a long time until my H admitted he had an addiction. However, he still claims his chats on the internet are innocent, and of late I have found nothing to contradict his claim. <P>However, it is still hard for me to trust my H. Right now things are going Ok because my H finally got a job and hasn't had time to get into trouble, but reading your last post made me realize that I do need to bring up the subject again. Hopefully he will feel like he can confide in me, and talk to me when he is struggling with it.<P>Hopefully your husband will come to realize that time is running out on your M. Does he know how you feel? Does he know how close you are to walking out the door? If not, then maybe he should. He will change if he really values your M.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cindiwa:<BR><B> <BR>Hopefully your husband will come to realize that time is running out on your M. Does he know how you feel? Does he know how close you are to walking out the door? If not, then maybe he should. He will change if he really values your M.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BR>He does not know how I'm feeling now and how close I am to announcing my need for separation. I am trying not to alarm him at this moment. If he opens up because of the fact that I want to leave, well girl, it won't be the first time. That's how it happened when I first found out. I said I was ready to leave the relationship due to his deception and lack of ability to change. Then he promised me he'll never do it again because nothing is worth more than me. So I stayed and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Through my sorrow and devastation I stayed. So you can tell how heart-breaking it was when I found out he was still doing it. I don't want that to happen again. I don't want anymore broken promises. I certainly don't want to put myself in an alarmingly unhealthy (depression, lack of self-worth, termination of self-esteem) position. <P>I want results and some kind of action taken strictly by him to try to deal with the problem. And of course I will be there for support. but I will not threaten to leave to find that the end results are the same as they have been. I want his honest decision to work on it.<P>As far as him valuing our M, well, I don't really believe he knows to what extent his actions has devastated me and our marriage. The fact that he still has not admitted to his wrong doings and the fact that he keeps giving me broken promises, I don't believe he gives our M any value. Maybe that kind of harsh, but I feel he has not seen the harm it has done. I feel that he tells me what I want to hear when in fact that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for progress and moving forward in our relationship, not false hope.<P>I want my M to work, but if all my efforts to try to make it better fails, what else can I do. I don't want to give up, but at this point I am in great need of reevaluating what really matters to me. One of those things is having a M that is valued by both partners and I don't see that happening right now. <P>BJ<BR>

Cindiwa, BJ -<P>You 'Girls!' <P>BJ - Have you printed out and nicely edited some of my posts and forgotten that you laid them on the bathroom counter? Something. I mean, you had the courage to talk to him. Why don't you go a little further and print out some of these posts and maybe there will be something that will strike a chord.<P>You already are talking to him and are about to ask for a separation. I don't think he would be as shocked if he learned you had been educating yourself out of concern for him and his addiction. <P>You both have to understand that your H's are medicating pain from the past somehow. Maybe pain from the present. Cindiwa, when a man is out of a job (I have been there a few times myself) he no longer feels like he's worth a damn. He may as well just die and let his family find someone better than himself who can earn a living. I have experienced that dark and lonely road a couple of times and thoughts of suicide are a close companion.<P>Have courage. You may find out that your H's really never will admit to anything. <P>There was a woman on the Emotional Needs forum that I was talking with about her H's porn addiction. We went back and forth. The other night she shared with him the thread and it struck a chord with him and they were able to talk and share in a way they had not prior.<P>All I am asking is that your try. You both married men you loved. And still love. Marriage is no easy road even when you both agree!

'Girls!' <P>This is a tough battle. And you both have a tough decision to make. A lot of your decision is hinged on what your H's decided to do about their addiction - whether they admit to one and how well they work toward getting healed or whether they deny their addiction.<P>Once I admitted mine, I felt the world was lifted off my chest. But not at first. I felt depression when I got the Internet filter put on the computer. <P>I had always wondered why loneliness and the need to "act out" where so intertwined. Now I know. My past hurts were medicated by porn and "acting out". Now, when I feel a surge of loneliness and nobody likes me, I can feel my struggle to regress back into that pattern. <P>I can't believe that if your H's are decent men in all other areas, are religious or Christian men as well, they do not want out of their addiction. They must. They are probably thinking, "How can I quit this? It is so unbelievably strong in me and I like the way I feel when I look at naked women." <P>More importantly, they could be escaping from some pain in their present life. They could be thinking, "If I give up this then I have nothing to comfort me." For years I would use that excuse to justify it when I struck out in the sex department with my wife. I don't know if that is an issue with either of you but there is something going on. Cindiwa, I'll bet your H's unemployment is a major contributor to his addiction. That may be the only thing that makes him feel worthwhile as sick as it may be. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Dogbert (edited November 03, 2000).]

Ok. One more thing.<P>Both of you strike me as strong, caring women with a lot of character and a lot going for you. <P>I felt compelled to think about this in comparison with a drug addiction. I have 2 divorced female friends. One's ex H was a drug addict and the other's was an alcoholic. Both of them did everything they could to change them and get them help. Nothing worked. They worked for years at it to no avail.<P>And if I compare their situations with yours, I would imagine you are wondering whether or not your H's will come around either. I guess I have such confidence that they can because I did. But, there is that chance they never will and I want to say that you may never win at this and I wouldn't want to burden you that it is your fault if it doens't work out. That would be unfair. So, I would like to let you off the hook now and say it really is their addiction and not yours. You can only lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.<P>I am really sorry that you both are in such misery. I hope you both have success in your struggles. I appreciate your concern.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR><B> You can only lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, you had some input there...<P>Dogbert, I appreciate all that you have shared with us and your experience has given me some kind of hope that it is possible to recover from such a misserable time. Your wife is a very strong person for supporting you with your addiction. <P>We (Cindiwa & I) may be going about it differently than your wife, but hopefully one day we can clearly understand the issues of an addiction and move forward. <P>The pain is extreme especially when ones mind is constantly bombarded by visions of infidelity. I know that for me it is caused by my undying love for my husband (yes i love him) and I may be head strong in making my decisions, but I only want to have the life I thought I had created. <P>I think one day I will show him this thread, in hopes that he will understand.<P>Thank you,<BR>BJ<P>

BJ-<P>Good. I think it will help for him to read that others are going through the same thing as he is.<P>My wife is a strong person and partly is because she has had her own struggles with things in her early twenties. So, I think that conditioned her to understand people who are caught in sin themselves to not be so harsh on them. God deals with people in their hearts and it sometimes takes the caring ear of another to help them out.<P>

Just when I thought it would get better, and my H was doing good....... today I had to run home from work because our jeep is having problems and my H needed to get to work and.... he left. Sooo... while I was waiting for the tow truck I decided to put laundry away and found some pictures my H had taken of his p***s in his sock drawer. Then I started looking in a stack of papers he had printed off the computer and found the profiles of 4 women in our area that he had printed off oneandonly online matchmaking. Well now I am back at work and I am so furious I can't think.

Listen. You have a bigger problem than I realized. I can honestly say I never took pictures of myself nor printed (or visited) profiles of online singles. You should be mad! I am mad! He is dishonoring your marriage and is essentially cheating on you. I am afraid you have some tough decisions to make.<P>Who do you know you can trust about this? A pastor, bishop, friend. Somebody. You really need to get some help pretty quick for yourself. If you can't get him to get help for himself then you may have to force his hand (so to speak ) by filing for legal separation. He is in deeper than I expected.<P>I really am so sorry for you.<P>

Dogbert -<BR>I really don't have anyone I can go to. I do have one really good friend that I can talk to, but she lives a thousand miles away. Anyone else I could talk to will be associated with my H the rest of his life if we stay together. I don't think I want my family or friends to know what I am going through. I didn't realize how bad the situation was either. I don't know what he has done with those pictures, or what his plans are for them, but I don't think I want to put up with it anymore.

Cindi,<P>Are you that isolated? There is nobody to talk to at all? <P>I sent a separate email to that email address you set up.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cindiwa:<BR><B> Well now I am back at work and I am so furious I can't think. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Cindi-<P>I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Take some deep breaths and make sure you release some of the anger. This has happened to me many times before. I found that taking deep breaths and releasing them slowly helps relax the nerves. I know your blood must be boiling, so just make sure you take a walk or something to calm your emotions. Keep talking to us or someone to help releave the stress. I'll be checking back.<P>Please Take Care,<BR>BJ

I told my sister. She called me at work today just to talk. I don't know how she does it, but she always knows when to call. I think we are just in tune with each other. She is two years younger, and we have always been very close. She also told me I could move in with her for a while if I needed to. She is currently seperated from her husband, and has a two year old boy that I love more than anything in this world. Well anyway, I guess that is an option.

I'm glad to hear you have some sort of support. That is very important. I have only my therapist and this site to voice my emotions with. Unlike you, I have not had the guts to involve my family and friends with this. I wish I am able to. I hear your concerns and I wish you a lot of strength to get through this. <P>BJ

Hello all: I'm in the same situation as all of you. I found my H. is having an email A. with OW. My problem is the OW started emailing and forwarding my H. email to me, why? I guess OW wanted me to see how dishonest my H. was being. I don't know what to do, H. refuses to talk, said it was not a real "Affair" that I am over reacting, and that of all things, I failed him. H. believes that I have had multiple affairs on him through out our marriage. I have had these OM confront my H. and tell him there have been no affairs, but H. doesn't believe them, said they would lie to protect me. H. talks about men who talk about me on the streets. I have no guilt because I am guilty, but I feel I have failed my H. for him to believe this of me. The OW emails me about H. letters, and H. then denies he emailed her at all, and that those are made up emails. I did the mistake of telling my family, they all want me to file for divorce, but my heart says no, it is too soon to make that kind of decision. Help!! i DO NOT KNOW IF HE IS STILL EMAILING HER OR NOT, I don't know what he is planning, I do not know what to say. Every time I try to talk with him, he starts the blame game, and says it is all my fault. Now, where do I go? IT is not a PA but an EA. I know there was plans of meeting at Christmas, but H. says it is over, yet OW still emails me his letters daily. I am so confused, hurt, and tired. My D-Day was 9/18/00. H. did move out, I have no clue where he is living, and so I feel like I'm in limbo---?.....gn

Cindi-<P>Great! What did she say and how did she take it?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR><B>Great! What did she say and how did she take it?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My sister was very supportive. She knows he had a problem with porn, but didn't know he was still into it. And as far as my H taking pictures of himself, she laughed. (It did seem kind of funny at the time) She told me I was always welcome to live with her. <P>However, I feel that my H should be the one to leave. After all, I'd still have to pay the rent if I left because I am on the lease, and he has yet to receive his first pay check. <P>I still haven't confronted him about what I found yesterday (I'm a little scared), but I really want to ask him to leave. Last time we talked about seperating he said he would have to live on the street because he wouldn't go to his parents or his brother, and he has no money. I guess if he pulls that again I will just have to leave. At least to give him time to think about what is really important to him.<P>I truly believe that the only way to resolve this problem is by separation. I don't think he values me or our marriage. I am certainly not going to sit around and wait for him to have an affair.<p>[This message has been edited by Cindiwa (edited November 07, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cindiwa:<BR><B> I am certainly not going to sit around and wait for him to have an affair.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>And you shouldn't either. I think from a legal standpoint if it comes to a divorce, you should be the one to ask HIM to leave. I am not a lawyer, but I think that is an important thing. I have always heard, "Don't leave the house!"<P>I should ask one of my divorced friends about that.<P>

What do I do if he brings up having to live on the street? Do you think he is just trying to make me feel quilty? Sometimes I feel like he is just waiting for financial stability before he does something. Yet, he is so loving towards me. I have never been more confused in my life.