Please, someone help me. I am crying my heart out to an empty room. I feel so alone, and I am not sure what to do! I want my H. home, and yet I don't want H. home. I want someone to help me. I can't seem to make up a decision and stay with it. When will the pain stop? All I want to do is tell him he can come home. I love him so desperately, and this hurts so bad. I keep wanting to reach out and hold him, and yet, I know H. doesn't want to give OW up. My heart feels as if it is being ripped apart from the inside out. H. tells me it is all my fault, and that I am the one who needs help. Please, I am falling to pieces here. gn

Snuggle,<BR>You're not alone..... Have you tried counseling? When I found out, I was really disoriented and dazed and saw a counselor immediately. It felt so good to get everything out. Please give it a try.. If both of you can go, then that's better, but if not, go anyway. And keep posting.. It'll help, here's a hug (((((Snuggle)))))<P>Fury

Thank you for your hug, Fury. I don't understand my own head and heart. I want my H. back, but I know he did not treat me right. I know this will pass, in time. But right now, in this moment, all I can think about is the good times we shared as a family. Why do I feel guilty because H. had an affair? I know I feel as if I failed him, but how could I improve it? I had to ask to him to hug me, seven years ago he moved me out of our bedroom and I slept on a mattress in our D.'s room. When he wanted intamacy, he would INVITE me to his bed. Other than that, there was no affection, no kissing, no hugging, no touching, no holding hands, and I would ASK him daily for those things, and all I would get would be a buddy hug, or a light kiss on my cheek. I know he was not forth coming in his affections, and now I know that it may never change with him, but my heart still hurts. I am in therapy, my therapist suggested that H. has a Narsistic Personality Disorder. So I am dealing with this new information. I just hurt so bad! I feel like I have failed my H. and my children. I feel like I will be incapable of loving any other man but H. Is there any one who can understand that even though it was bad, it was tolerable. gn

Dear gn, <P>I am very sorry that your life sounds very difficult but you tried your best under the circumstances. I once had an intolerable marriage to an abused orphan who treated me very badly because he never got over his hurts, anger, bitterness and abuse. He became a WS and had several affairs through the years we were married. I stopped having any relations with him when I found out soon after marriage. He begged me to stay on so that he had a home to return to.<P>I stayed and went out with him and he used me as a trophy wife. I was so young then and my heart was so gentle, kind and soft to the point of feeling only his pain which he often reminded me of. He elicited and manipulated pity out of me. I believed I had a bottomless pit of unconditional love and kindness. I believed that he was the cause and meaning in my life - that was why I was put on earth. It really is arrogance that I believe that I AM THE ONE who could make him happy. <P>I felt that I could not care for somebody else and I shouldn't. But his abuse of me became worse and my family and friends had to convince and drag me to the courts to divorce him. Through all the years of abuse and his trying to damage my self esteem, I believe I lost the confidence to remarry the best person for ME. When I remarried, I married 'down' in my opinion and my family's. Although my present H (WS) is above average in most things (except spiritual), he was not my equal as a prospective mate. Yes, WS would be most women's dreamboat but I do know in my heart of hearts, I made the wrong decision. I chose someone the exact opposite of my first spouse - gentle, passive, soft-spoken, highly qualified, highly educated.<P>Please know that you deserve more than being treated the way you have been - the way you described your married life is really a sham. I think in another thread I read that you were heavy. Why don't you lose those extra weight gradually ( alot of the BS lost weight on the infidelity diet) and slowly become more confident and firm about what you need to be a strong, God-filled person. Banish the insults and pray to God to heal you and make you whole again.<P>Please post here again and the members will help support you and validate you and give you their perspectives on certain issues that you may have.<P>God Loves You<BR>take care<BR>weep

Hey gn,<BR>I'vw been trying to figure out, what I said, or did, or didnt say or do to make H have A.<BR>You know what? It wasnt anything I did, and the same applies to you. You were trying to be affectionate and he pushed you away. He has the problem, not you. And I don't go for this kicking you out of the bedroom and giving you a mattress to lie on the floor. Kick him out and make him sleep on the floor. I have my moments where I also feel guilty, but looking back I feel I did more than my best and if there was a problem, H never communicated it to me, so remember that your H has a problem and he will have to deal with it. Work on you. That's where I am now. Trying to work on me.<BR>Blessings,<BR>Fury

Thank you all for rebuilding my confidence. I know I have made some mistakes with H. I must have done something for him to believe I would have affairs on him. I must have done something to cause him to reach out to the OW. But I don't know if I could have reached out to him any more than I already did. Him not working was not an issue with me, and I supported his dream 100% and married him for better or worse. But I did not expect him to give the OW the affection I have been working so hard to get. I know that some day, I will be able to understand my own weakness. In 1984 I was driving a motorcycle and was hit by a drunk driver, this resulted in the loss of my right leg, below the knee. I lost alot of my self esteem and self value. But I am learning that I am a very strong woman, and I hope my husband will find out.

snuggles,i feel the same way i just cant seem to make a desicion ,i keep changeing,my mind and how i feel about it i just keep thinking of why she did this ,she said she wants me and loves me but loves him to. i feel she would be better off with him at least she would be happy.and that all i ever wanted for her i keep thinking of the song "best of intentions "by travis tritt it is how i feel,my wife also says it is my fault i dont understand one minute she is telling me it is hers then next minute it is mine.she says i better make a desicion and not wait to long for me to forgive her!!! iam just sick that is has gone this far !!i seen some where on here that a prayer helps and believe me i think i have prayed more the past week than i ever have in my life good luck <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by snugglermi:<BR><B>Please, someone help me. I am crying my heart out to an empty room. I feel so alone, and I am not sure what to do! I want my H. home, and yet I don't want H. home. I want someone to help me. I can't seem to make up a decision and stay with it. When will the pain stop? All I want to do is tell him he can come home. I love him so desperately, and this hurts so bad. I keep wanting to reach out and hold him, and yet, I know H. doesn't want to give OW up. My heart feels as if it is being ripped apart from the inside out. H. tells me it is all my fault, and that I am the one who needs help. Please, I am falling to pieces here. gn</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I am not sure if I can take much more. H. comes and leaves as he pleases. I work, clean house, care for the kids, and he rushes out the door for "errands". I have read some of his love letters to OW, but I am not sure if I can finish them. OW emailed me and said the my H. pursued her, and told her that I was mentally unstable, and used violence to control him and my children. All I ever wanted was for H. to love me. It has never happened before, maybe I am fooling myself. I know that he is a good father, just seems to need building up everyday. My therapist believes he suffers from a Personality Disorder. I can't think straigth when H. is around me. My heart flutters, and beats faster, and I feel like I'm on the first date, and then when he leaves, suspicions of the OW, and fears of rejection and inadquancy and unloved come into my head, and the big word "FOOL!" as soon as he pulls out of the drive way. I feel like I am sinking in my own emotions! One minute I am so happy to see him, the next I want him to leave and get it over with. Is this normal?

I am certainly no expert here But, I do believe that this is what alot of us go through. I too spend EVERYDAY in total confusion and indecission. I spend moments where all I want to do is run and then the next thought is how much I love him and want to see him. Keep reading all that you can here, that is what keeps me going each day. Everyone is so eager to help each other and I thank God for them. I too get told that I am the one who needs help and there is nothing wrong with him it is just how he feels. I like you begged each day for affection-any affection would do, He never would. But like your H, seemed rady to give it to OW. I can tell you one thing from experience: Bringing that up is not good at all. My H will come in full force to OW's defense on any issue (including harrassing me-which in his eyes is only because I made her mad for me not just leaving and letting them be together) and as far as I have learned bringing this up is a major LB for both of you.Good Luck and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you all for helping me through this. I was asked out on a date by a co-worker who said he thought I deserved better. I blushed, thanked him for his kind offer, but that it was too soon for me. He politely told me that he would wait. How sweet! But when i got home, the euphoria died because H. was there. He wanted to be intimate. I didn't deny the attraction. But an hour later, he left. Where? I thought he was staying with his Mother, I was wrong. I do not know where he is staying. My children are behaving better, and work is steady. But in my heart, I am slipping back to the way it was, loving him so deeply that it hurts. I cry at night, when I think the children can't hear me. I pray for guidence and strenght. My H. is a buddist and does not believe in God, so can this work? Is it wrong of me to remain intimate with My H. after he has moved out? It is wrong to believe that he will love me completely? Should I go out with my co-worker and have a nice time? What???? gn

I should probably keep my thoughts to myself but reading your posts I can feel how bad you are hurting. I do not think that it's wise to continue intimacy with your husband after he has moved out, you don't even know where he's living. Is it possible that he is staying with OW? I know that's a horrible question but you have to face the horrible things that are going on no matter how bad it hurts. I also don't think that the smartest thing to do would be going out on a date with a co worker. You are very vulnerable right now and "things" tend to happen when people are this way. These are just my thoughts and I know they are not the best. Just keep reminding yourself: You are a beautiful person and you deserve the best.

Cylone: Thank you for your information. As far as I know my H. is living with his Mother. The OW is in Indiana, and it is an email affair. They were making plans to meet at Christmas. I have been with my H. for 17 years, and in that entire time he has only told me he loved me once. And the only time he hugs me is when I ask if I can have a hug. He has never held my hand at home, at the movies, in public, and the last time he kissed me without me asking for a kiss was when our daughter was born 7 years ago. My H.enjoys sex. he wants it frequently and is a very attentive lover. But general affection, zip. However, he hugs his children and snuggles with them daily, and tells them how much he loves them. Some times I become jealous of his affection toward them, and then I feel guilty. Our children need that affection and I am not going to begrudge them. But H. wrote beautiful, passionate, deeply romatic words to the oW. Words that I have waited 17 years to hear. Words that should have been written to me. H. wrote to the OW how much he wanted to be with her, how he longed to wrap his arms around her. He went into great detail about how he was going to make love to her. And said again and again how much he loved her and wanted to be with her. He told her lies, about how I was out to destroy his business, that I was mentally unstable, and used violence to control him and the children. That I try suicide weekly. And when the OW emailed me, she told me just how much He loved her, and how much she pitied me for my illness. I am not sure,<BR>now where do I go from here? Do I try to reconcile, or do I not? Is he using me, to have some place until Christmas? Is he still emailing her? See, none of my questions are being answered. H. said he doesn't have to answer my questions. He said that I need to make things right with him by admitting I was the one who has had multiple affairs, and that it is all my fault. HELP!!!!!!!!

Again, my heart goes out to you. I know that right now is very difficult and here again I should probably keep my thoughts to myself. BUT, the fact that your husband has not been affectionate towards you but can with another woman shows alot. From what I'm reading, he is not working on this relationship and you can't do it alone. If I were in your situation I would surround myself with loving people (not other men), family. Start spending your time around supportive friends and family that make you feel good about you. If he doesn't treat you right, then he doesn't deserve you!!!! Focus your energy on you and your children, you deserve this, you sound so hurt and need to realize your self worth. We tend to get so wrapped up in other people that we lose ourselves. I can't be that much help but I am a good listener and I'm sorry if my advice sounds immature but at 26 I'm pretty new at all of this. Never never never underestimate the power you have to make yourself happy. Good luck and god bless.

I am not sure what to do now. I surround my self with people who tell me to leave him, that I don't deserve such a bad marraige. BUt when it is night, and the lights are out, I am alone, and that is the hardest part. H. also is very much involved in the kids life. H. picks them up from school, and watches them until I get home. But when I get home, he starts in on me again. About being unfaithful to him, about how I have destroyed his dreams, how I am to fat to be loved, how I am the one messed up. I am not sure what to do next. gn

Please try to ignore your H as much as possible. He is saying these thing like you having affairs, etc. in order to justify his affair. His affair is not about you it is about him. Get into some counseling for yourself. Be good to yourself and don't listen to what your H is saying. <P>Do you really want to save this marriage? It doesn't sound like you have had a very fulfilling marriage. As hard as it is you need to detach yourself emotionally. You can't control him who will do what he wants. Just take care of yourself and your kids. If you need to protect yourself legally/financially please do so.

I am the one who works full time and supports my H. while he watches our children. What the problem is, I do not know if H. is still emailing the ow. H. says he wants reconcilliation but yet won't give me proof that the affair is over. He refuses to talk about it. Saying that I am to trust him. That is the problem. gn

I'm going to be very honest with you. In my opinion, you should get out before he completly destroys your self esteem. Your husband is using your weeknesses against you to bring you down. He is shifting blame on you and you can't let this happen. You deserve to be happy and while there might be a few lonely nights and unhappy days, the payoff will be so very worth it. You will learn to get on with your life and be happy with yourself. I would bet that he is still in contact with ow, he wants his cake and eat it too. Don't ever think that a few pounds makes you less of a woman or less attractive. You have to discover and Know your self worth and that you are a beautiful person, inside and out. I find that in times like this God is my biggest comfort and just remember that he will never give you more then you can handle. Good luck and God Bless.

I know what you are saying is true. But I can't seem to convice my heart that this marriage is bad. I keep thinking that it will improved and that H. is only trying to make his guilt less through hurting me. I am hoping that he would see how much I love him. You are not the only person who is telling me to give up on the marriage. Many of my co-workers, friends from Church, family, and neighbors all say that he is a sick person with Narssitic Personality Disorder. That he feels he is entitled to my love, my money, my support, and because I am below him, I deserve nothing. I had hoped that they were wrong, but your advice, even without knowing him is a reflection of what others have been telling me over and over again. Now I just need to listen to my common sense, and not my heart. Thank you, I will keep you posted, and I will hopefully find myself in recovery. I want to return the favor, so if I can help let me know. My email is genasl@hotmail.com. I have no way to show my appreciation, than to say THANK YOU!!!! gn