My stbx talked to her only remaining friend last nite and told her she thought I was dangerous. This was a result of my "little" meltdown last Fri at her hospital. Her friend defended me and stbx told her if her loyalties were being divided that maybe they should end their friendship. The friend asked her if she wanted to end their friendship and stbx never answered.<P> She said she told om that it maybe just her and him against the world.<P>She is back in full fantasy land. She told the kids that she wants to get a house and a dog and a cat and a hamster for our son.<P>Om is still playing his games. When his w called me on Tues, he was actually there. Somehow it got reported that me and om's w had lunch together.<P>I'm beginning to think that all 3 of them are nuts!!!<P>As for mr being dangerous, I'm not, but I guess I'm going to have to watch myself or she will have me arrested or have a R.O. issued. Actually staying away from her fits my plan for me. She still wants to come for Christmas though. That doesn't make sense to me. But then nothing much has for the past 6 months!

RWD,<P>A friend of mine used to say to me, "some people have to put their hand on the stove to find out it's hot." <P>I know how painful it is (not getting what you expect from someone you love), but sometimes you have to take a few steps back just to protect yourself. Dude, your like one of those guys on the beach in "Saving Private Ryan". Why continue to expose yourself to another hit? Time to take cover and let your wounds heal. Try real hard and find another way to get your needs met. Read, take up a new sport, buy a puzzle....anything....just let this go for a while.<P>What kind of person would you be if your W came back to you and you had a whole bunch of pent up anger from all this mess?<P>Please. Take care of You.<P>optimist

Optimist,<BR>You are right. I've been trying to "save" my kids from their mother and am just realizing that I can't. I can't be responsible for what she does and unfortunetly the kids will have to make their own decisions about her.<P>As for me, I am trying to work on myself. Unfortunetly raising kids on your own is a full, full time occupation along with my other job which I'm trying to keep.<P>I am playing basketball 2 nites a week and after the hoidays I hope to get back into a divorcee's support group.<P><BR>Thansk for the encouragement!!<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

RWD,<P>Your W and the OM against the world......<P>HHHHMMMMM.....siounds like melodrama to me. I think that she LIKES the melodrama and fantasy part of all this - maybe a secret wish to be an actress????<P>The important thing here is she is more likely than some to crash and burn because she likes the melodrama. Think about this, if you step back and it becomes just her and OM and no pulling or pushing from you. Eventually it iwll only be W and OM. Things start to settle down and life becomes "normal" again for her. I'll bet after a short time she gets bored and also misses what she had and threw away when she threw caution 3 sheets into the wind! She might well find out that she liked the emotional charge and excitement she is getting out of this a whole hell of a lot more than the guy she might or might not end up with!!!!!<P>Leave her alone as optimist suggested and spend your time and energy on yourself and your kids....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RWD:<P>A strict plan B is where you should be now. No contact. This is really important, because you're going to need to protect yourself, should your wife get vindictive.<P>A funny story (well, to me). My wife's OM decided to divorce his wife, because he discovered her having an affair (hmmm, logic disconnect here... ). He worked from their home and took care of the kids while his wife worked at an office. During their separation, he suggested to his wife that he keep physical custody of the kids instead of her. That's all it took for her to call the cops and report that he had assulted her. The police came and arrested him, and she took the kids away to her parents.<P>Moral of the story---don't exhibit any behavior that's going to land you in jail.

I can relate to how you want to protect the kids. I felt the same way about mine. But your right, they will have to make up their own minds about the W. In the meantime, you will have to be the best father you can be. That means being very vocal about values (don't dog the W) and behavior. Stress to them that its important to be happy, but sometimes folks get sad too. But most important...its ok.<P>Hang in there dude. You have a full plate with the kids, job, and house. Let the W thing go for awhile. You'll be amazed at what a great dad you can be when you put your energy into it.<P>optimist

As hard as it is right now, you HAVE to remain cool and level headed. A lot is at stake, and you will be setting the good example for those kids. They will remember how Dad handled the situation, & it will cause them to have even more respect for you.<P>Hang in there, & when you get frustrated & want to scream, go ahead, but then post here. We will be here for you.

We already know that w and om are nuts - I guess we can add omw to the list? Sheesh!<P>Take care of yourself and your kids like everyone says. You're doing a good job, don't let HER insanity manipulate you.<P>Prayers for you.<P>Lori

Thanks all for your support.<P>The really strange thing about last Fri was it seemed to have snapped me out of my depression. I told my counselor that and she said she wasn't sure if she could recommend that to her other clients!( lol).<P>Other than Thurs(i get depressed every Thurs for the past 3 months) and Wed evening after I got notified of the divorce hearing date, I have felt great. <P>I am committted to Plan B as every time I called her in the past 2 months she said I was harassing her if we argued about something. I then decided if she wants to know what the kids are doing, she will have to call me or ask the kids.<P>I had to laugh, today she called to see how our son was. He had a headache last nite and called her at work, she couldn't get out(great work place , they won't let you leave when your kid is sick) so she called our neighbor who came over and gave him some medicine. She asked where I was and why didn't I tell her.<P>I was at the required seminar for divorcing parents, I'm not sure why the kids didn't call me. She acted angry that I wasn't there.<BR>I wasn't going to tell her where I was but didn't feel like egging her on today<P>Found out today too my lawyer is going to defend the guy in my other post, ADultery turns deadly.<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited December 10, 1999).]

Bob,<P>Holy ****! Have you been reading from my journal?<P>Be careful here....<P>I haven't said all of my story to most of you since I came to MB not too long ago (9/27/99)... seems longer.<P>-----------------------------<P>Six weeks before my W moved out(moved 8/28/99)... we had our ultimate in LB-ing... huge mega-verbal fight... W tried with all her might to goad me into hitting her... saying over and over again... "come on"... "hit me"... "aren't you man enough"... "there's nobody here"... this was over a really stupid argument about her not allowing me to take out my own clothes(in a bag) to the car... <BR>she would not give the bag to me... (I gave in since it was so upsetting to the kids)... kids were visting their cousins overnight and waiting in the car...<P><B>History:</B> What was se thinking?... I never hit any woman in my entire life... and that's true for my W too. She whacked me couple (3 total) times during our marriage... on the back... but no damage...<P>Back to the LB session... I came back in after getting the kids out to the car and I was upset with her... I said "don't you ever act like that in front of the kids again" (youger son was in tears because of the yelling.)... well... I got the kid's to their cousin's house (I too stayed the night)... when I got back home... a couple of days later... I find out she filed a report(verbal abuse... but no assault) with the police... She did not claim any physical violence though... good thing she didn't... unbeknownst to us, our D came back in the house and heard the "second" round of arguments... a bit more vicious than the first. But there was <B>no</B> physical violence or threats!<P>When I found out about her filing the report... needless to say I was upset... livid beyond belief...<BR>I went to the police station to also file... and was treated like I was a criminal. The police just wouldn't believe anything I had to say. I was assigned an officer who refused to write down a single word of my statement... and said... "don't tell me how to do my job" when asked him if he was going to write down something. They just assumed that I was the one who instigated everything... and was your typical Wife beater... (btw nothing can be farther from the truth).<P>Even before that "ultimate" LB she(my W) had been saying to the kids... that "she had to save them from me."... I found that out later too!<P>The point being... use <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... to avoid this... especially before any divorce proceedings!!!<P>It is primary <B>this</B> LB episode I am trying to counter... with my current <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... even to this date. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> coming in Jan/Feb.<P>------------------------<P>Sounds familiar...<BR>W's words to one of her family members earlier on...<BR><B>"How come no one is on my side of this..."</B><BR>W has now completely abandoned her family in favour of OM's family.<P>------------------------<P>Of course... all my e-mail... and all my phone conversations are always "harassment" to her...<P>------------------------<P>I don't know if that attorney news is good or bad... If it is a "sensational trial"... it may eat away at the time he/she can work for you?!<P>------------------------<P>Work on your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> with <B>firm resolve</B>. Any possibility to rework the Christmas thing?... Make sure someone is always present when you and you W are in the same room!<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... is for your protection... isn't it?!<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 10, 1999).]

Jim, <BR>Interesting story. <BR>he only violence I ever showed my stbx was 14 yrs ago when we bought our first house. She got me so upset I punched a hole in the wall. That was the last time I ever got that angry with her till now.<P>My stbx was doing the same thing as yours. She used to get right up in my face, nose to noe. I used to go 5'10" 200 lbs, now 5'10" 175 lbs. and she is 5'3" 110 lbs and she would right up in my face. Talk about restraint.<P>As for my lawyer, I really don't need him now. Everything has been signed and accepted by the court. All we have to do is go to the hearing, they read what we signed and if we agree, then we are history! 16 yrs of marriage gone in 15 mins.<P>Plan B is for my protection and thats why I have gone that route!<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

RWD - Sounds like the OM's W doesn't CARE is her H is having an affair? Definitely over the edge. And your W left you for a man's who's STILL married? More total craziness. Don't worry so much about blowing your stack though. These kinds of situations really are infuriating. I even threw a fit last night sitting down in my basement cave where no one could hear me and thinking about all the crap my W is putting me through. Man, I really lost it, threw things, the works. And you know what? I freaking ENJOYED it!<P>--Wex

I guess she finally cares now as she is planning to divorce him or him her.<P>I guess he has had a few other ones and may have been kicked out of his other place of employment. <P>I guess thats why I'm still considering talking with her. She seems looney. He still hangs out at home while he is living with my stbx. That was part of what broke them up before, that drove my stbx crazy. He would cheat on my stbx with his w!!!! <P>Now that is funny !!!!!!!<P><BR>I guess she called me Tues while he was in the garage!! Can you beleive that !!!!<P>I just think a night out, in public, would be a hoot.<P>I was thinking about doing it tonite but of course my stbx won't do anything with our son tonite, so after bball I'll come home and spend the night with him! Not that there's anything wrong with that!

RWD: I was wondering...Does your W want to spend x-mas w/you because OW is spending it with his own W?<P>This sounds crazy to me, but when do affairs ever make sense???

No Trust,<BR>She doesn't want to spend it with me, she wants to spend it with the kids. She has to work in the afternoon anyhow so she will come over in the morning and hang out for a while and then leave, I guess. We have not really discussed anything in detail. I guess I should pin her down to times for coming and going but I don't want to short change the kids.<P>I plan on going to my mothers and stbx sisters with the kids to Wed so she won't see them after Christmas for a few days anyhow.<P>om's w told me that his kids don't want anything to do with him. So i'm not sure and don't care what he is doing.