I decided not to ask H what he finds attractive, sexy. OW and I are as different as night and day, and I don't want to get pierced to feel sexy! He is the only man I have ever had. I feel very inadequate. No one else has even looked at me in "that" way. What can I do for MYSELF to help me feel more desirable, attractive to H and, yes, maybe even others? I just want to get his attention, make him see that he is lucky to have me, maybe even instill a tiny bit of the jealousy and fear I have been living with. Wrong motives probably, but I'd like help.<p>[This message has been edited by Barbara Ann (edited December 21, 2000).]

Treat yourself to beautiful bras and panties, nighties and hosiery ...... really go all out. Do this for you.<P>Bath oils and candles when you soak in the tub ....... while listening to glorious music.<P>New soft sheets and a new pillow. <P>EVERY time you look in the mirror ..... compliment yourself. "Hey there Barb ... you have beautiful warm eyes"..... "Barb, the gold highlights in your hair are like sunlights kisses"........ let yourselg go Barbara. Do this. Make it a habit! Do not allow negative self-critical comments to speak to you. Refute all negative comments!<P>It feels dumb at first..... but it becomes easier and more fun the longer you do it!<P>HAVE SOME FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

Dear Barbara Ann,<P>I hope I can help you with your self esteem because it isn't always about looks and sex appeal although it helps to have them. My WS had a 2 year A with a chinless woman who drags her feet and gapes and was very cruel and desperate, etc.. His wife, okay moi, was unitl recently a fashion model on fashion covers and TVCs, etc.. But I know I know my self esteem plunged to minus. <P>I always believe that life is about harmony and balance - spiritual, emotional, physical, mental, etc..<P>Prior to WS'A, I lived life to the full and I think that made me a very attractive person. Even though I used to work with many beautiful models all the time, I think I had more attention simply because I was not 'full of it', I was so happy in my own skin and was so healthy and brimming with energy and enthusiam and warmth. My modelling agent and other models used to tell me that I would be the last person that they would introduce their boyfriends to because 'there was something intrinsic about me that their boyfriends would pick out as different and special'. I was dumbfounded because these were really gorgeous traffic stoppers, they had more covers than I ever had, etc.. They said that 'you have a sense of self. You know who you are and you don't waffle', etc..<P>If you want me to package irresistibility, I think it is about the best that you can be, Not everyone will like or love you or I but we can feel that we have done the best with whatever assets that have been given to us:<P>Physical: haircut, colour, skin, fine makeup, smile, teeth, flattering outfits that suit, exercise, optimum weight to height<P>Emotional: compassionate, warmth, kindness, joyful, witty, laughter, honesty, enthusiasm, independant, strong<P>Mental: alert, articulate, strong, adaptable, intelligent, tolerant, agile<P>Spiritual:close walk with God, prayers, commit your life to God so that you have peace of mind and divine intervention<P><BR>You can start off with books : grab a few glamour mags to look at the latest in fashion and beauty, then exercise to get that radiant glow, exfoliate helps as well, get a few activities such as dancing or painting etc. to zest up your life and widen your social circle, read the bible and pray for peace of mind.<P>ALl best wishes to you.<P>God bless you <BR>from weep

My H's A was with a part-time model (and a pierced one at that!), so I have been struggling with self-acceptance. Due to daughter's eating disorder, I had (I thought) begun to accept myself as I was; I was no cover girl but I felt I made the most of what I had. Now I feel very plain and middle-aged (she was also a lot younger). I would also like H--or ANYONE--to tell me that I am beautiful. <P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Barbara Ann,<P>Weep gave you absolutely great advice. I am a guy and have been around the block a few times. The comment about enthusiasm is so true. It will supercede looks anytime. If you are concerned about sexual experience, go to a book store or library and read up on the subject. Learn about new techniques, things to do, etc.<P>BUT, if you do that, use the things that interest you. Again if you are doing something you dislike it will show no matter how resolute you are in doing it. Men are attracted to younger women, but they are also attracted to older woman as well. Lets face it Ladies, men are attracted to women in general, but they are particularly attracted to women with a sense of fun and confidence.<P>I will bet the OW in your case knew she wanted to be with your H and let him know it in many ways. Please don't take offense at this, but it does come down to enthusiasm. Actually, it works the other way as well. <P>So don't be down, get up with the program. You are not the loser here, no matter how it works out. Your H is going to lose and the statistics back up that statement fully.<P>So go to work on yourself, but do it for you. Make yourself happy and I will bet you problems with companionship will go away.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Ditto what everyone has said above! I have really had fun reading the glamour mags, as weep suggests (although pre D-day I thought they were ridiculous and a waste of money).<P>The other comment I would add is that my prayers now regularly include a request for an improved self-image, and especially that God will make me into the woman he created me to be (I have missed the boat on that for a long time). The results so far are that I am much more confident and joyful than I used to be (even when things get stinky - finances, job, house falling apart, etc.).<P>My H loves the changes in my outward physical appearance, but he is definitely also attracted to the new person I am becoming "inside."<P>Good luck Barbara Ann, you will enjoy this once you get going!<P>periwinkle

I have been trying most of your suggestions, even trying to keep things fresh in the bedroom with new lingerie, techniques, etc. But it still feels like we are back in the same old rut. Any suggestions for that?<P>Is it always going to be up to me to create the excitement? <p>[This message has been edited by Barbara Ann (edited December 28, 2000).]

Hey BA.<P>My wife has a problem with self esteem, although i was stupid enough to think it wasn't severe enough for an affair.<P>If you want to do something for both of you - to make you feel better about yourself, and to keep your man, you first need to know what that something is. It might be physical, emotional or mental. Take a look at this sites "meeting emotional needs", if possible both of you do it - and ask yourselves what you need from each other.<P>To get everything you need from a relationship, both for yourself & for your partner needs open & honest discussion, and a willingness to discover the bad things & the good.<P>Best of luck honey, I hope it works out.<BR>

My W also had an issue with self esteem. I have always thought that she is a very beautiful woman, but like a lot of marriages in the beginning I told her this and over the years just basically stopped.<P>You need to believe in yourself first of all. Look in the mirror and instead of focusing on any bad points, hone in on the good points.<P>Stand there and actually look at yourself. Whether you are clothed or naked, look right over yourself. Tell yourself that you do look good. That you do have nice eyes, or that you have a nice figure.<P>Ask your H why he married you. What are the things that he was attracted to when you first got together? Do not focus on the negative. Too many people tend to do this; he doesnt do this, or she doesnt do that. Have a conversation with him. Ask him to tell you what he finds attractive about you, and then you do the same for him.<P>Dress up when you go out, and yes you probably will notice that you are getting some attention from other people, both men and women. My W has done this and it has made a difference. Yes it may make you uncomfortable in the beginning, but the human body and mind are both wonderful things. Appreciate the good things about you that you have, try to understand any areas that you are not happy about, and realize that there are some things that can be changed and there are some things that we all just have to learn to live with. JMO <P>Lizard<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lizard (edited December 28, 2000).]